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Do The Right Thing by Hugh Cron – Warning – Strong Adult Content


Dirty fucking hoors!!

Hoor-maisters…Dirty fucking hoor-maisters.

Clatty bastards the lot of them.

I shouldn’t have swung both ways.

It would have saved me a lot on lubricant.

But man do I take a notion for the boaby!

Giving, taking and receiving…Although receiving not so much. Well not after the argument I had with that big Argentinian. He literally ripped me a knew one.

But fuck me. I’ve been cut down in my prime. I need some medication. I’m not happy about that. Not with me being a Jehovah Witness.

I’ll really need to stop drinking. It gets me into all sorts of trouble.

I mean, did I love any of my partners, well ‘Duh’.

They were all so shallow and needy and grating. By fuck were they grating. They all moaned and complained and every fucking thing was about them and what they wanted or selfishly, didn’t want!

Bastards, the lot of them. I should have stuck to just fantasising about my one true love. She was a goddess. Alas decades kept us apart and also that fucker Johhny. How I fucking hate the name Johhny. She was dead before I saw her, a vision on YouTube, the vision that was Fanny. And let me tell you, I came over all peculiar when I saw her recipe for banana chicken. I think that was what made me swing both ways. Let’s be honest a banana is phallic and we all know what a skinless chicken breast looks like…Don’t we…Aye, you know what I’m talking about! The size is a bit of an issue though.

And don’t get me started on her mincemeat omelette!!

I shouldn’t even have been at the doctors, what with me being a witness and all, but I really did fancy his receptionist and the guy that I saw changing the lightbulbs when I was in getting a battery for my hearing aid. The sexual tension from climbing up onto a footstool is surreal.

I thought it would be a bit suspicious me just hanging around so I decided to get an appointment with the doctor. And to be truthful the problem I had with my dick wasn’t just my usual inability to realise that I hadn’t stopped oozing so I thought I would let him have a look…Besides it may have led somewhere. And Ohhhh, the thought of someone having a swatch who I wasn’t going to shag made me feel all warm and fuzzy.

But that didn’t fuckin’ work out. See when you think you want someone to have a look for whatever reason, that’s just wrong. If you are feeling a wee bit horny and you whap it oot, not a problem, you look good. But at the doctor, I thought I wanted him to have a look, but when I tried to whap it oot I had to try and find it. How the fuck can your cock retreat so much? I mean I was positively inverted!

Anyway me and ma wee cock, whilst trying to do a bit of legitimate perving wae the doctor, found out that I have a fucking disease.

So back to bastard dirty hoors and mingin hoor-maisters.

The Doctor told me that I needed to contact all my previous partners and tell them face to face that I am diseased.

I told him that I didn’t want to. Who wants to have that conversation?

He went on about responsibility.

I told him that I simply couldn’t speak to them.

He insisted that I had to.

And that’s what’s fucking annoying me.

I need to find my shovel.

Hugh Cron

14 thoughts on “Do The Right Thing by Hugh Cron – Warning – Strong Adult Content”

  1. That last line ought to be famous. You have also provided a perfect example of what I call an “onslaught personality.” A pressure giving person who is at the same time being squeezed by external forces like a tube of toothpaste with the cap still on. And although the obscenities are just part of his vocabulary, he’s certainly got a way with them. And the way the ending comes up is brilliant. I thought I had a handle, but no. Wham! Right into the mountain side.
    (Also, I can hear the accent in this piece. Maaan, I’m so jealous. Ain’t no better accent for cussing than Scottish. Irish and British are pretty good too, as is American south–but really, your land has made it an art form. No sarcasm here, I can listen to guys like Begbie all day. There’s even a meme of that guy.)


    1. Hi Leila,
      I think where we differ from other nations is we pile so much emotion into swearing and not just when angry.
      We probably swear more when we are puzzled or anxious. But to be fair, that makes us angry so maybe that is a moot point!
      Thanks as always for your kind words. I still get a helluva kick out of seeing my work on the site and reading any comments.


    1. Hi Dave,
      Thanks so much for the comments, you’ve made my day.
      It’s sometimes fun to just go where the depravity takes you!
      All the very best my friend.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I am going to wonder about the next Jehovah Witness….will it actually be a secretly hard-of-hearing food fetishist? Responsibility was a difficult word for this person to hear. I like the way he projects onto others, a trait he, certain ex-Presidents and other narcissists have in common.


    1. Hi Harrison,
      I think you make a very good point, not just about this piece of nonsense of a story but a whole lot of issues – Where does responsibility begin and end. At one time, reasons didn’t matter, you answered to what you did and that was maybe a bit too rigid.
      But now-days, maybe the reasons matter too much and that has went in the opposite direction.
      Sometimes reasons matter, sometimes they don’t but no-one is comfortable in trying to sort out that can of worms.
      Thanks as always my friend.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Stefan,
      It’s great to see you back on the site.
      And thanks so much for the kind words.
      Best of luck with the writing – I’ve never been good with non-fiction – I’ve always struggled with the plot, it’s a bastard getting a surprise ending!!
      All the very best my friend.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I suspect, Hugh, that not all your avid readers will be familiar with Fanny & Johnny. As a public service, may report that the awful Fanny Cradock and her gormless spouse, Johnny, fronted a cookery programme on British TV, fifty years ago. It was a blow to read that they still exist on Youtube, but it didn’t spoil a fine dark tale – thank you.


  4. Hi Mick,
    Thanks so much for the comments!!
    I live for a comment!
    The Mincemeat Omelette is a real thing – I don’t know where I first saw it but there is one thing – I sure as hell never want to try it!!
    I think Thatcher modelled herself on Fanny (I can only type that word, I can’t say it!!) But I think it was Sarah Millican who stated that even though that bitch was pure evil, she was part of the team that developed Mr Whippy Ice Cream.
    Now, I could take that as a positive, but I just think that that Bitch will always be associated with slaughtering 20% of the Scottish Workforce and making something very soft!!!
    …She really didn’t need to develop the ice-cream – Distribution of her photos would have done!!


  5. Jeez, you’re absolutely right! How could I have missed it (how could the world have missed it?)? Mrs T was cloned from Fanny Cradock. Even Denis’ background warblings were eerily similar to the unmourned Johnny. Makes you wonder who smarmy George Osborne was modelled on. Thanks for the tip-off, Hugh. Gonna have to bite the bullet and do a forensic study of those Fanny YouTube clips.


    1. Hi Mick,
      There are certain types that you can spot.
      CID, Mormons, Tory MP’s and Paedophiles.
      I actually feel sorry for the CID folks!!!!!!!!!!!
      Oh! Not that they look like each other – It’s just that you can spot them!!
      …Well maybe the Mormons, Tory MP’s and Paedophiles – They do look alike.
      CID – Look like CID!!


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