Short Fiction, Writing

Week 295 – Shit Job Titles, Shit Jobs And Dick’s Career Was On The Up.

And we are now at Week 295!

I’d like to pass on a ‘conversation’ between me and Diane this week.

Our WordPress system has been changed. We didn’t ask for it to be changed but some fuckwit decided that even though we were quite happy to use what we initially signed up for, they would change it anyway without consulting us. That’s how fascism starts!

I don’t do much of the set-ups, as, to be honest, I normally fuck something up but I do the odd edit if asked or set-up some of my own stories.

I went into the site to change something on last week’s post and it is pish. I asked Diane about this and she told me that it had been changed. Diane also doesn’t like it and she advised me that she had been in contact with the ‘Happiness Engineers.’

I thought she was being sarcastic regarding their help desk. She wasn’t.

Those poor bastards are called ‘Happiness Engineers.’

From there we got:

In the name!!
Whoever came up with that is a total ladypart!!
Can you imagine one of those poor souls, pissed off of a Monday morning only to be reminded that they are going to work as a ‘Happiness Engineer.’
One day we are going to read:

There was a mass killing today at the offices of ‘The Happiness Engineers.’
It seems that a ‘Happiness Engineer’ wasn’t actually that happy. He bludgeoned his manager to death after group yoga and proceed to take out the whole of the companies executives with, according to one eye witness, an ironic smile on his face and a baseball bat in his hands.
The irony has yet to be confirmed.
We have been asked to pass on that ‘The Happiness Engineers’ are still open for business and they will continue to deal with your queries with their usual happiness smiles.

And that made me look up other bloody stupid or condescending names for jobs.

– Retail Jedi – A shop assistant.

– Sales Ninja – Sales Executive.

– Wizard Of Light Bulb Moments – Marketing Director

– Pneumatic Device And Machine Optimiser – Factory Worker.

If you actually call yourself any of them I would suggest that you are actually a:

– Freelance Sperm Donor.

I was also intrigued to find a ‘Teen Exorcist.’

I think that would be a very difficult job. How could you tell that they needed exorcised? Them talking in tongues, being highly sexed and vomiting bucketloads is just a normal weekend for any teenager.

My fellow Ayrshireman Mr Burns once said ‘A Rose by any other name is still a rose.’

A fucking garbage job is still a garbage job no matter how you dress it up.

I’m not snobbish about jobs, everywhere I’ve worked has turned to shit. And there is not a job that I’ve done over thirty five years where I didn’t end up with a brush in my hand. I wouldn’t care what I did if I was well paid for it. I’d even be a Canine Waste Emission Digit Elevation And Gravity Release Baggage Controller.

There is an old saying that states, ‘Pay peanuts, get monkeys.’

I find that very insulting. I despise any kind of snobbery including job or intellectual.

I’ve actually come across more qualified idiots than folks who aren’t either qualified or idiots.

The problem is to make even a couple of grand a year above minimum wage, you need to have that bit of paper that states you can pass an exam.

The pay peanuts idea doesn’t mean that you are hiring a monkey, it just means that the person has very little to lose if they punch you sore and lose the shit job.

Never look down your nose on those you are low paying, worry about that nose staying the shape nature intended.

Okay onto this week’s stories.

We had three new writers and two legends of the site.

To all our new writers:


Have fun.

Keep sending.

I’m still trying to mix up any content repetition. It’s not fecking easy.

This week subjects that were touched on included; A glimpse, sailing, performance, a kinship and Muscular Dystrophy.

Our wisdom or witterings or a bit of both are typed below the introductions.

First up on Monday was the very talented Adam Kluger. No-one does slice of life stories like Adam and if anyone is trying to write this way, they should take a look at his back catalogue. He is a master at it.

Sexual Healing‘ was his forty sixth story for us.

‘Not only is this to Adam’s brilliant standard, he’s referenced Marvin Gaye.’

‘I like the pace. As always, the delivery is spot on.’

‘There is so much truth about holding onto the pain to allow him to hold onto the good stuff.’

Our first new writer graced the site on Tuesday.

Kenrick Pinto was next up with ‘Paperboat.’

‘The importance of the paper boat was so understated but by the end you knew the depth of the meaning.’

‘A very powerful piece of writing.’

David Rudd is also a new writer to the site.

His story, ‘Set In Stone‘ broke the back of the week.

‘There is a wonderful pomposity that works so well due to our visualisation of the MC.’

‘The last line was pure gold.’

‘I love a writer with guts!’

And we had three newsters in a row.

On Thursday Neale Suit’s first story, ‘Falling’ was published on the site.

‘The understated style makes this all the more powerful.’

‘Very well constructed.’

‘This was written in a sort of loop which worked brilliantly.’

On Friday there is no introduction needed.

I think this is another milestone as Leila Allison has now reached her seventieth story for us.

I have no doubt that she will reach the hundred sometime next year.

Circles‘ finished off the week.

‘Sad and awful but the delivery is so matter-of-fact that it’s heart-breaking.’

‘It’s terrible and amazing all at the same time to think that kids survive this type of childhood.’

‘I did grin at the ending. And I did say ‘Ouch!’

That’s us, all done!

*If you want to click on the empty box at the end of any of the stories and type in coherent words, it will make all involved very happy.

If you don’t, that box will die a virgin – Would you want that?

And the day after you have read this, there is another posting that asks for some reader participation.

You can try and recall a lot of words that were put together in a pleasing manner and do something similar in a way that expresses your feelings about this. You can even engage in a Q&A two or three times if you wish.*

Just to finish off I had my usual look at birthdays and what happened on this week in history.

I see that the legend that is Bela Lugosi was born. If he was still alive he’d be catching up with his most famous characters age.

And I also see that Dick Fosbury won gold in Mexico for the High Jump. He was the man that revolutionised the sport with his technique which became known as ‘The Fosbury Flop.’

I really do wish that his first name had been used. I reckon in later years he could have had a very lucrative career as the poster boy for Viagra.


* * If you don’t read this post often and haven’t a clue what I’m talking about, check out the end section on any other of these posts.

Image by andreas N from Pixabay 

1 thought on “Week 295 – Shit Job Titles, Shit Jobs And Dick’s Career Was On The Up.”

  1. Sports has many interesting names. Long ago a Mr. Faire Hooker played in the NFL. Not to be outdone, NASCAR gave us Dick Trickle, who, for real, once raced in the “Hanes Underwear 500.”
    Also, college basketball gave us Baskerville Holmes. Of the three it seems that his folks were the only ones who could read.


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