Short Fiction, Writing

Week 289 – Shite Gold, Renee And Patrick Were Under Contract And Ethical Journalism: A Contradiction In Terms.

It won’t be long until our 300th post.

Any of you who have been reading those anniversary ones will know that we normally have a section on memorable lines. This year will be no different.

This got me thinking, I’m looking for a wee bit of audience participation here. I was wondering if there was a line that you had considered and then looked at it and thought, ‘My fuck! That’s pish! Not just regular pish but spectacular Pish!’

If you remember it, go on, give us a laugh, let us know what it was! And rest-assured we will not judge you on it. At least you had the good sense to red card it.

Or if right here, right now you can come up with the worst line you can think on, we’d love to see it.

We’ve had on occasion the odd line on a refused submission (not surprisingly) which has made us choke on our coffee or spontaneously convulse with bleeding eyes but there is no way it would be professional for us to repeat them. Although, if we ever fold, it would be tempting for a last post!

I will throw my own bunnet into the round thing. Not with a line that I’ve used but one that incorporates all I hate into one awful sentence:

After three years of treatment for her and her one true love, the green eyed, now mother to be, paused from her stoically nesting to gaze wordlessly into the mirror and smile adroitly as she caught the reflection of her unborn baby in her tearfully happy eyes.

Man that fucking stinks the big one!!!!

Oh and I don’t give a shit if I’ve used those bastard words wrong, I still refuse to look them up!

It should be quite difficult to get a terrible line included in your story without someone pointing and laughing. But if the awful continually finds its way onto your pages, you should maybe question who is reading your work and advising.

Songs are notorious for crap lines and films also have the cringe worthy. In fact I would be here all day if I started listing them but just two that deserve a special mention of ‘Get to fuckness!!’:

1. You had me at hello.

2. Nobody puts baby in the corner.

The writers and actors may have reasons to showcase these travesties – They were getting paid to artistically hoor themselves. Although whatever they were getting paid, it wasn’t enough.

But those who fawn over these lines should be put on strong medication or let out into the wild where they should be encouraged to cuddle testy bears with physical contact issues.

Okay onto this weeks stories.

We had only one new writer, three returners and me.

The topics this week include; witches, need, a pub conversation, coming to an end and an escape.

As always our initial comments follow.

To get us up and running we had Jennie Boyes.

The Night Game‘ was the third story of Jennie’s that we have had the pleasure to publish.

‘Taking on a kid’s understanding is hard enough in present day but to take it on so far back is near impossible. Jennie makes this very believable.

Next up on Tuesday was Paul Blaney.

Turtle Beach‘ was story number two for him.

‘The parallel between the natural world and our ageing world was very perceptive.’

‘The thread of love that is woven throughout was very uplifting.’

‘Well written and beautifully poignant.’

It was my turn on Wednesday.

A Weekender‘ broke the back of the week.

I still get as much of a kick from seeing one of my stories published as I did at the very beginning.

Maybe, in a way, it’s even better now than in the early days. Then, I had plenty of ideas, now, I need to pull them kicking and screaming from the very recesses of my mind.

As always, I give an appreciative nod to Nik and Diane and also a thanks to all of those who continue to read my work.

Andrew Johnston had his third story for us published on Thursday.

There’s One Just Like It Everywhere‘ nearly finished off the week.

‘The title isn’t just about the pub, it’s about the punters.’

‘Enjoyable with very well drawn characters.’

‘Good pace, realistic and with a wee bit of mystique.’

Our last story was by our new writer.

We welcome Meg Sattler, hope that she has fun on the site and we hope that we will see more work from her.

Forks‘ finished us off on Friday.

‘Very thought provoking and an emotional piece of writing.’

‘I thought that the use of the internal dialogue was judged perfectly.’

‘Overall, this left me feeling quite moved.’

That’s the round up!

I really do feel terrible. I hate repetition. In life, repetition is only good for a very few things. But I feel as if I always need to do this, just in case someone is reading for the first time. So please comment and send us in a Re-Run!

Maybe some of our quieter writers will think:

…Hang on a minute

…The penny has just dropped and YES I will comment

…That is writing too

…That is what I do

…My God! Why didn’t I realise that endeavour could be inspirational and beneficial to me?!

Or maybe an odd reader (Or any other) will realise:

…Hang on a minute

…If I comment, someone else will read what I write.

…My God! Why didn’t I realise that endeavour could cause someone to do what I do?

…And when I think on it

… I would be doing what they do!

…The world is truly linked! I’m six steps away from Stephen King!

And somebody keep Leila company.

If you fancy having a go at the Re-Run – Just do!

Send us a spiel or an introduction of an older story that you’ve enjoyed, throw in a few questions for the writer and we will publish exactly what you send.

Alternatively, you could do this by the medium of Modern Dance, post it on FaceTwitter and don’t send us a link.

To finish off I was having a look at what happened this week in history and a couple of events stood out that could have been linked.

First off Gandhi went on hunger strike in 1932.

In 1951 the seedless watermelon was developed.

I know it’s a stretch but I think that was done to deter Gandhi from not not eating ever again. I mean, who can resist a tasty seedless watermelon?

Now that I think on it, do we have the option? I was born after the seedless variety was produced and it saddens me to think I’ve never had the choice of pips. (Insert Gladys Knight insert joke here!)

And the Sun Newspaper was first available in Britain in 1964. (The sun is still not available in Scotland except for two days in August)

From that date there is a link to misinterpretation, misreporting and fabrication.

Hugh

Image: Google images.

7 thoughts on “Week 289 – Shite Gold, Renee And Patrick Were Under Contract And Ethical Journalism: A Contradiction In Terms.”

  1. “It was a dark and swarmy blight” didn’t make it. Nor did “Fuck you fucked fucker.” Nor “She went dear hunting.” I was drunk when I wrote “And, goddamit, love really is all you need.” Drunker still the day “Let Justice be your seeing eye dog” appeared on my screen. Should have been arrested for “Tiny rainbows tugged loose by an invisible moon from a tie-dye sea.” Alas, I’ve more crimes than convictions…

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    1. Hi Leila,
      Not surprisingly I don’t mind the ‘fucked’ line though I may add a bit:
      ‘Fuck you you fucking fucked fucked-up fucker!’
      Two fucking adjectives, one fucking verb and a fucking noun. Or that could be two fucking nouns or only one fucking adjective and two fucking verbs. And then fucking with a hyphen.
      The word is so versatile. I reckon Shakespeare missed a trick.
      Seeing eye dog and appearing is a clever contradiction!
      Thanks as always. Loved the lines!
      Hugh

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      1. Shakespeare did edge up to it once in Othello. Iago said something to the effect “A black ram “tuppeth” your white ewe.” From reading his stuff I get the impression that the people who would have censored him were probably illiterate.
        LA

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  2. The following sentence from Morrisey’s novel List of the Lost. His unpunctuated line is so terrible that the Literary Review judged him winner of the Bad Sex Award 2015:

    ‘Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone.’

    Here is the link to other winners of this esteemed prize:
    https://literaryreview.co.uk/bad-sex-in-fiction-award

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    1. Hi Stefan,
      So Morrisey’s literally skills are on a par with his harmonies!
      I had a look at the link.
      In the name…
      Genitalia compared to a wee monkey!
      And the shagging of the internal organs!!
      It does go to show that sex scenes are difficult to do well. Making them ridiculous and cringe worthy seems to be simple enough though!
      Thanks as always for your comments and input!
      All the very best my friend.
      Hugh

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I may not be a good writer, but I am a credentialed bad writer. I have forgotten the name and too lazy to look it up, but my prose has been featured in Trash Heap Zine. I’m now trying to get bad poetry published. How bad? Contains “Rose are red, violets are blue, if you go down on me, I’ll go down on you”. Don’t remember any more. Let’s not forget “Dark And Stormy” about tax preparation. Or maybe we should.

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