All Stories, Short Fiction

Week 287 – Truly, Utterly, Unbelievably Improving Just Like Booze Does To Self-Belief, There’s Nothing Worse Than The Taste Of A Rancid Sausage And Bastards Who Are Never An Exception.

Well here we are at Week 287.

I had a look at the historical events of this week.

I see that Major Boaby Ross set fire to Washington. That wasn’t very nice and was a bit hypercritical. The British are still burning effigies of Mr Fawkes for trying to do the same sort of thing just over two hundred years earlier.

I have a soft spot for the old Guy even though he hated us Scots. A hatred due to religion and bigotry. I’m glad that didn’t catch on!

Something a wee bit different and rather unique has presented itself and given me much pause for thought. (Pause for thought is multi-tasking for a lazy bastard.)

Two pieces of advice we normally give is for writers to slaughter the adverbs and be careful with the similes. But we have two writers coming up in a few weeks time that use both in excessive abundance. And it works. I don’t know how it works but it just does.

If I tried to write that way, It’d be pish.

When I read stories from the not so skilled as these two gentleman, I find myself tripping over, not so much the repetition of certain words, but tripping over the usage of the adverbs and similes. It irritates and niggles each time I read one.

But not with these guys. All that happens is that they’ve enhanced their stories.

So that was my inspiration for this weeks posting.

It’s a very true saying about rules and their exceptions.

I saw a cartoon that said ‘There is an exception to every rule – That’s the rule.’

When I tried to find out who said that, it wasn’t clear but with what I found, I think it’s an offshoot of a quote by James Thurber. I think that was the guy who invented the taxi.

That made me have a wee delve into the internet and look for a few more quotes. As always there is everything there from the sublime to the ridiculous except when both are the same, then there’s only one sublimely ridiculous.

These examples caught my eye:

1. Nature provides exceptions to every rule.

(Margaret Fuller)

2. Beginners know rules, veterans know exceptions.

(Amit Kalantri)

3. Be the exception to the rule. It’s the surest way to be exceptional.

(Ron Kaufman)

4. I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.

(Groucho Marx)

5. As a rule, I don’t like to laugh at the misfortune of others, the exception of that rule is if it’s really funny.

(Scott Adams)

Some cruel, some wise but the strangest thing is if you add another ‘except’ at the end of every one of them, you come up with something very easily.

1. …except death

2. …except the acceptance on the rule of experience.

3. …except when you are a complete and utter bawbag to begin with.

4. …except if you owe me money.

5. …except when no-one else finds it funny and then I’ll laugh in secret.

I wonder how many ‘excepts’ you could link with acceptable contradiction?

…I don’t care what anyone says, Richmond Sausages are shite.

Stevie Wonder could see where this is going – From exceptions to the exceptional stories of this week. (Could I loathe myself any more? No, except for every day.)

This week we had two new writers, a returning author, a site legend and me.

The usual welcome to both our newsters.

We hope that they have fun on the site and we want to see more of their work.

Topics included; the unmentionable, funerals, death, reasons and composing.

As always our initial comments follow.

I was first up on Monday.

This was a mix match of ideas. I was playing around with family legends and the idea that old jokes having to have started somewhere and this was what I came up with.

As always, a shout out to Nik and Diane. Thanks guys.

The Odd Legend And Fuck All Else‘ got us up and running.

Our first new writer was Leslie Boham.

He was published on Tuesday with, ‘How To Write A Hit Song.’

‘The characters were brilliantly visible.’

‘You can spot a good writer’s work a mile away.’

‘Knowing a subject is half the battle. You need to be able to put it across. Leslie does this with ease.’

Our next new writer broke the back of the week.

Sacred, Hidden‘ was W.T. Paterson’s story on Wednesday.

‘The fable / parable was very interesting.’

‘I liked the tone and style.’

‘Ageless and relateable to everyone.’

There is no introduction needed for the wonderful enigma that is Leila Allison.

Why We Haunt‘ was next up.

‘As always, a clever piece of writing.’

‘It is how present that Leila’s ideas are that astound me.’

‘What can you say about the world Leila’s writing brain lives in?’

And we finished off the week with Yash Seyedbagheri.

Funeral Crashers‘ was his second story for the site.

‘This does take watching games to another level.’

‘There was a sort of undertone of mild panic.’

‘You realise that there is a lot more to this than the title suggests.’

That’s another seven days never to be seen again.

Usual reminders.

Comment!! – Please say something!

And still none of our shybies have told us why they don’t comment.

The Sunday Re-Run is going great guns with reading views. Only stick a thumb up if you must and if its consensual. But pass comment on the answers at least.

If you want to have a go, simply pick an older story that you’ve enjoyed and write a spiel or an introduction. Throw in a couple of questions for the author and we’ll publish exactly what you send us.

Just to finish off, I was contemplating my own exceptions and these are the ones that first came to mind.

No ice in my alcohol except if I’m drinking screwdrivers.

I hate musicals except for Cat Ballou. (No matter how many times I see the ‘Happy Birthday’ scene, I still roll about laughing!)

Mint is evil. Unless it is in spiced onions or mojitos.

‘Coldplay’ are terrible except for everything that they do is a lot worse than that.

Brogues are hackett. Except when they are two-toned.

If I take a dislike to you, off you should fuck. Except those who I would be happy to punch.

Politicians are all lying, self-centred, self promoting, ego-maniacal cunts who I hate with a passion except…Nope!!!


Image by Alexas_Fotos from Pixabay

If the titles get any longer the images will have to be teeny tiny little stars on the top!!!! Cheers though innit.

7 thoughts on “Week 287 – Truly, Utterly, Unbelievably Improving Just Like Booze Does To Self-Belief, There’s Nothing Worse Than The Taste Of A Rancid Sausage And Bastards Who Are Never An Exception.”

  1. Sir,
    We represent the Coalition of Underloved Nabobs and Twits. Your recent post gave love to the adverb and simile yet you continue to fail to endorse my clients the Interjection and Mixed Metaphor. “Oh! Fuck! No!” said the Interjection whilst reading your post, and the Mixed Metaphor says your post “Went over like a lead balloon composed of thoughts light as feathers.” He also went on something about cooked geese driving the bus, but I had stopped listening.
    As you plainly see my clients ideally, indubitably, exasperatingly, huffily, puffily, and enoughally
    fulfill the acronym of the coalition. They are like an untended two-year-old child in public who wants to infect you with the plague. A word to the wise: You might want to do something to extol these “things” in the future.

    Adverbally yours,
    The firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe


    1. Dear Sirs,
      I have read your comment to Mr Cron who I believe is a very disruptive influence. He would probably try to appease your clients.
      He is a dangerous free-thinker who by his own admission, ‘Doesn’t think’ much. But his unthinking ways lean more towards consideration than the true word.
      I will not have this!
      Like Grandpa Simpson and him never accepting Missouri as a State, I will not recognise either ‘Interjection’ or ‘Mixed Metaphor’
      ‘Interjection’ is just plain rude.
      And ‘Mixed Metaphor’ is indecisive.
      ‘Simple Text’ is also something that Mr Cron champions. That is a concern.
      We do like the idea of the Black and White readers having no need to expand their worryingly inventive and curious minds.
      But we’ve had to oppress ‘Simple Text’ into our way of thinking unless it is using The Bible as interjection or mixed metaphor. But that is only common sense which we are hoping to make law.
      Jebidiah Hitler.
      (Founding member of: Christians Using Non-hypocritical Text.)

      I consider myself more of a pure C.U.N.T than you.
      There was an interjection of ‘of’ in your Acronym.
      And ‘coalition and underloved’ is a mixed metaphor of hippie proportions.

      (Thanks as always Leila – You make me smile!!)

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Diane,
    I promise next weeks post will only be four words!
    I haven’t a Scooby what those words will be, but that’s nothing new!!


    1. Hi Stefan,
      Maybe if an interjection was mixed with an ejaculation you would get a pregnant pause.
      Thanks so much for your continual comments, they are much appreciated!
      All the very best my friend.


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