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Week 286 – Keeping It In The Family, Roger Mellie Is A Legend And A Beast Without A Moustache.

Here we are at Week 286

The year is fair flying in.

We sometimes say to submitters to try relevant sites if their work is specialised, or if it is a genre that we don’t publish. But the one thing we don’t do is give out suggestions to where someone could place their work.

To be truthful I don’t think either myself or Diane have much knowledge of any other fiction websites.

Although some Wine, Malt and Ladyboy Porn sites, Diane has a surprising handle on.

There are a couple of magazines that a lot of our unsuccessful submissions are suited to but we wouldn’t suggest them.

I was wondering why this was so I’ve decided to ask you all this question.

Is suggesting you send your work to either ‘The Readers Digest’ or ‘Woman’s Own’ insulting?

You see, for anyone to suggest that, they are stating that your work is up to a publishing standard and there is a market for it, so why would this be considered in any negative light?

I want to make this clear, we are not saying that there is anything what-so-ever wrong with these publications. Everyone to their own.

People do have certain tastes that I wouldn’t necessarily indulge in myself, but that is completely up to them and I would never slag them off.

How could I? The longevity and success of those magazines is amazing, even if it is a bit puzzling.

I find self-integrity fascinating. I hate reality shows but would I be willing to do one for a million?

My pride and integrity would say NO! My need would probably say YES! (Hah! – Probably – Who the fuck am I trying to kid?)

That reminds me of a question I posed to a very good friend of mine. I asked her who she would sleep with for a million and she said anyone but her dad.

It did my heart proud to know that she had standards.

I told her I’d do him for her and we could split the money!

It is also the same for some of the really terrible pop groups that are out there. I hate their music but I tip my hat to what they have achieved…Except for coldplay – There is no excuse for them ever! I refuse to even capitalise that name.

Is there a hipness to some sites more than others?

That makes me think on when we were in our teenage years. It wasn’t hip to like Spandau Ballet or ‘Modern Romance’ unless you were a girl. Guys had to like groups like ‘Killing Joke’, ‘The Jesus And Mary Chain’ ‘SLF’, ‘The League’ or ‘The Clash’.

That was why the only magazine that was acceptable was ‘The NME’. I’m not counting porn. You were very popular if you had porn. (Most guys of a certain age still get excited when they see staples.)

I don’t read many magazines now-a-days although I still enjoy the odd ‘Total Film’ and a ‘Viz’.

I could give some research / irony / social commentary type reasoning but the simple truth is I like films and am a bit of a child!

Okay onto this week’s stories.

We had one new writer, three old friends and me.

Topics this week included; responsibility, perceptions, picket fences (or well kept hedges), the natural world and a sculpture.

As always our initial comments follow.


First up was me.

When I first started writing short stories I avoided dialogue like the plague. And I don’t know if she will remember this but it was Diane and Adam West who encouraged me to write more dialogue and scene setting. I went with the dialogue but still avoid the more descriptive disciplines!

As my work has been so dialogue heavy, I wondered if I could write something with no dialogue and this was what I came up with.

Thanks as always to Nik and Diane for all their support and help.

Different Times‘ was our story on Monday.


Our new writer was published on Tuesday.

We welcome Jaz Hurford, hope that she has fun on the site and we want to see more of her work.

An Orange Affair‘ was her first story for us.

‘A bit depressing but beautifully convincing.’

‘More relationship than romance.’

‘I wouldn’t have thought this would have been my type of thing but I really enjoyed this. I was sucked into the story.’


Matthew Roy Davy broke the back of the week with his fourth story.

Every one of his stories are gems, ‘Cul-De-Sac‘ was no exception.

‘This is a brilliant example of saying very little but giving the reader the complete picture.’

‘Horrible suburbia at its worst!’

‘Some nasty English small mindedness done very well.’


Harrison Kim was published for the fourteenth time on Thursday.

His impressive back catalogue was added to with ‘Child At The Edge Of Wilderness.’

‘It’s a bit of a snapshot that leaves a lot for the reader to decide.’

‘A disturbing story where the reality is in the lack of hope.’

‘More depth, which is becoming the trade mark of Harrison’s work.’


And we finished off with Fred Foote. His stories have now been on the site a mind blowing sixty four times.

‘Still Life’ finished us off on Friday.

‘A usual beginning transforms into something darkly poetic.’

‘When Fred decides to do stunning and powerful, few could do any better!’

‘You want to see the statue but it’s probably too amazing to ever exist.’


That’s the round-up done and dusted.

Back to the lovely but immensely religious Miss Anderson.

Comments – We love them! But come on guys, never be a one off. If you are commenting on someone you know of, why not have a wee comment on someone else as well. They will appreciate it.

No comments – We still want to know what puts folk off.

Last week Jennie suggested shyness but we still want to know specifics. You don’t need to use your quiet voice – Type loudly and nobody will see you if you get a beamer!

Sunday Re-Run – Pick a story you’ve enjoyed, write a spiel or introduction and throw in a few questions for the author. Give Leila some company. She is tattooing the names of those who have joined her. She was wanting a complete sleeve – She has more of a wrist band.

To finish off I’d like to pass on another content problem that has come up more often that it should. So we’ve decided to address this and give an invaluable, in-depth, complex tip.

When writing sound affects – Don’t.

These are for kids books. They seldom work in an adult story.

Most adults know what most sounds sound like and if they don’t they will be happy to tap into their imagination.

Although I’d forgive anyone writing the odd ‘Oooo’ if they were working on a story about a cow that had no lips.



Image by Ulrike Leone from Pixabay 

This cow is not amused. she would like explanation as to the sheer mockery and why is Diane laughing. dd

6 thoughts on “Week 286 – Keeping It In The Family, Roger Mellie Is A Legend And A Beast Without A Moustache.”

  1. LS remains the best place to go. Everyone who has been around for longer than ten minutes knows how the game is played elsewhere: 1)SUBMIT TO US ONLY. 2)WAIT UNTIL THE END OF DAYS FOR GENERIC REJECTION NOTICE.
    For the sheer hell of it, I like to send a piece to two different Submittable publishers that forbid simultaneous publications. Although it’s hardly an original idea, I send both the same piece under different titles. I can’t say how that has worked out since the End of Days has yet to arrive.
    I love cows. They get the damndest expressions on their faces.


    1. Hi Leila,
      Thanks as always!
      And thanks again for the very kind words.
      We used to stay next to a farm and we loved to feed the cows. They were a very friendly bunch and they loved our cat. If she was sitting in their field facing away from them, they would form a semi-circle, stare at her and then move very slowly towards her. She’d eventually see them and bolt. It was hysterical to watch.
      Ah happy days – Watching cows and having the privilege of sharing the house with the legend that was ‘Fuck’.


    1. Hi Dave,
      We’ll need to do a terrible joke day.
      Hah! I could publish my diaries!!
      Thanks as always my friend!!


  2. Viz continues to champion and channel the hate of the New Puritanism. This mighty organ caters for all tastes.
    If music hall slapstick is your thing, try the smut of Sid the Sexist, Finbar Saunders, Roger Mellie & the Fat Slags. For soap addicts, Big Vern or Cockney Wanker. Drunken Bakers is unmissable for those with darker interests. Traditionalists should seek out Jack Black, Major Misunderstanding and Meddlesome Ratbag. And if you are a little confused, because as a child you were taught by this school mistress ‘that there are one hundred, if not more, gender identities now’ (no, I’m not joking, she says this on her BBC resource for primary school kids than there is Millie Tant.
    Viz comes for a warning for the following groups:
    Under 40s/sufferers of humour deficit syndrome/interpreters of the Bible or Koran of a literalist bent/Guardian subscribers:
    Reading Viz may result in combustion following convulsions of self-righteous wrath.


    1. Hi Stefan,
      Thanks for the very interesting comments!
      I identified with ‘The Drunken Bakers’ in a past life. At Christmas Eve, the sherry was split between the trifles and me at around 4.00am.
      Thanks for the run-down on the Viz characters, I had drawn Roger, The Slags, and Spoilt Bastard on the walls in my box room in my old house as well as ‘Pyscho Derek’ and ‘Gavin St James’. They were characters from two other publications ‘Smut’ and ‘Zit’.
      I had a look at the link. Man did those weans look bored. And I still worry about the BBC doing anything with children!
      Saville’s stranger danger endorsement was irony on steroids.


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