All Stories, General Fiction, Humour

The Ten Commandments by Hugh Cron – Warning – Adult Content

“Right Israelites…Where are they?”

“Only me boss. Do you like my frock?”

“It’s very fetching. And who are you?”

“I’m Charlton, the rest of them seen the smoke in the distance and thought there was a fire heading this way. I mean they’ve just got dried from the sea thingy, miracle, whatever the fuck.”

“The sea parted, it never touched them.”

“I know but they’d all pissed themselves. They’re not very brave. Anyway they fucked off home, wherever that is.”

“It was me, I was there. I’ve just been up that big mountain next to the burning bush”

“Is that the STD Clinic?”

“No! It was a shrub that was on fire. So God says to me…”

“Who?”

“…God”

“Who’s he then?”

“Jesus Christ, don’t you know?”

“Whose he then?”

“Who? God?”

“No Jesus.”

“He’s just a figure of speech for now.”

“And the God fellow?”

“He’s the creator of all that is in the world.”

“What like everything?”

“Yes.”

“Why did he create camels? They’re bastards.”

“He had his reasons.”

“What was that then?”

“To carry stuff!”

“Fair enough. But they’re still bastards.”

“Right as I was saying I spoke to this fiery bush…”

“Well slap me silly and call me Jebidiah! I didn’t know we did that! I’ve not tried it myself but if someone would let me, I’d give it a go…Was it with that Mary woman?”

“No. That’s not what I mean. Just shut it! Anyway back to the God speak.”

“Who’s that then?”

“Look will you let me get on with this. He’s the only one! We’ve been given ten commandments.”

“And what’s that then?”

“Rules…Rules to live by.”

“So where does this God fellow get off thinking he can tell us what the fuck to do?”

“You’d better do as you’re told. He gets mighty pissed off.”

“And!”

“Well he sent a boy with a trumpet and a city crumbled.”

“Are you for real? A city crumbled by a trumpet! I mean, I’ve heard some shite music in my time but nothing that would cause the walls to come tumbling down. Nah! That’s bollocks.”

“Shshh! He’ll hear you”

“How? Is he hiding near by?”

“No. He hears everything.”

“Even if I whisper?”

“Yes.”

“I think this is all a wee bit far-fetched.”

“You must believe. Don’t turn your back on him.”

“Is he one of those Sodomites?”

“No, but that’s another story. I heard a woman turned her back on him and he turned her into a pot of salt?”

“What’s a pot?”

“A pillar”

“That’s a lot clearer.”

“Can I go on? Now I’ve dumbed these down a bit as they are a bit complicated. Firstly, there are no other Gods.”

“I didn’t even know of this one!”

“Well you do now! We can’t worship any false images of him.”

“What does he look like then?”

“I don’t know and what does that matter?”

“Well if we don’t know what he looks like, how do we know what not to worship?”

“Just don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t worship anything other than our God.”

“But I don’t understand.”

“Just don’t that’s all there is to it. You have to have faith.”

“And what does that mean?”

“It means you believe.”

“Without any proof like?”

“Exactly!”

“Seems a bit pish to me.”

“It’s not, no arguments. Now we must not take his name in vain.”

“Is this for this God’s sake?”

“Yes”

“Fucking God!”

“No he’s a good God.”

“I think you are pulling my privy member?”

“No this is all fact. Remember faith.”

“So faith is fact.”

“I’ve told you that already.”

“Can we hurry this up? I’ve got a fatted calf cooking.”

“We must remember him on a Sunday because that’s his day.”

“So every Sunday after I’ve been on the piss on the Saturday night I have to say Good God in the morning?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t think that’ll catch on. And if I am having sex on a Sunday morning can I shout ‘Oh God’?”

“Of course you can. And so can your wife.”

“I very much doubt that she’ll feel the need.”

“Ok, we’ve all to honour our mothers and fathers.”

“I haven’t got a problem with that. Mines are both dead, there was some plague and they ended up being squashed by falling frogs. I’m not sure if that killed them or they were eaten by these locusts that turned up.”

“I don’t know what to say about that…Also we can’t go around killing anyone.”

“Why?”

“Because we’re all God’s children. If anyone gets out of order the man himself will wrath them.”

“Well if it saves me, fair enough.”

“No adultery.”

“Oh wait a minute, we are just getting fucking silly now!”

“None!! No stealing either.”

“What about that basket I was getting for you?”

“No, don’t bother I’ll put the flowers in the basket I had as a kid…A couple more. We’ve no to bear false witness.”

“And what the fuck does that mean?”

“I’d be lying if I told you I knew. So just don’t do it.”

“You’re the boss.”

“And don’t covet your neighbour’s wife.”

“What?”

“You mustn’t want your neighbour’s wife.”

“I don’t she’s an ugly cow.”

“If you live by these rules, you will be a fulfilled, loving and well balanced human being.”

“Fuck that…I think you are talking shite. You’ll be telling me next that you’ll still be mountaineering at one hundred and twenty!”

Hugh Cron

13 thoughts on “The Ten Commandments by Hugh Cron – Warning – Adult Content”

  1. This effectively addresses a question I was almost stupid enough to ask a nun during my very short stay at Catholic School: “Why did God wait so long to post the rules?” It seemed to me that there were no rules to begin with, and that He didn’t think to make any until the people HE made began doing offensive stuff, even though His omnipotent bad self should have seen it coming. You also once again display your strength in carrying out complete story in dialogue. I admire it because I can’t do it very well. A lot of your things read like a play, and would make for an interesting production because the clear lines would dictiate the motions.
    Regards,
    LA

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  2. Hi Leila,
    I’ve just seen this and will answer in more depth but there is something that I need to ask without contemplation – Why the capital ‘H’????
    (Actually, that may be a bit personal so if you don’t want to answer I will happily accept a ‘Fuck off Hugh’)
    I was talking to a wee older gentleman who I worked with in M&S and he had mentioned that he had split up with his wife, I am a curious person and asked why. I also gave him the same option and to his credit he used it!!!!
    Hugh

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    1. Hi Leila,
      I just wanted to add something regarding rules.
      We need them and they have been watered down from who they served and who they oppressed. But there is always someone who benefits. And when that doesn’t suit, those who make them, then they are changed.
      I wouldn’t say I am an anarchist but I do believe that the ability not to give a fuck can stop you ever getting an ulcer!!
      Thanks as always – You make my day.
      Hugh

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      1. While I’m on the atheist side of agnostic (ie I find the arguments of Dawkins, Dennet, Harris & Hitchens persuasive yet dogmatic), I think it a shame that the bible has lost its cultural purchase in the west.
        From a practical point of view, aspects of the early UK feminist movement and civil rights advocates in the US used the language of the bible to argue the case for emancipation. Something similar was seen later with Catholic liberation theology in South America.
        Aesthetically, there is a poetic beauty to the bible (a political issue too re vernacular translations), my favourites being Job & Lamentations.
        Perhaps it would be productive to treat the bible as myth in a fashion that the Greeks and Romans were studied?

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi David,
      As always, your comments are much appreciated.
      I have a lot of fun with these and lets be honest – The material writes itself!
      All the very best my friend.
      Hugh

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  3. Kinda like “The Life of Brian” but Old Testament, opening with the fetching frock. Rather amusing. That Old Testament was pretty surreal. There was a lot of begatting and gnashing of teeth, as I recall, plagues as described in the story, and the solid rock of the ten commandments. Everyone likes certainty. But Moses smashed the rocks right away, wow, was he pissed off at the Israelites. He was a pretty strong guy, I guess. I see that the one character is asking “too many questions.” That was not received well back in the day. Please pass the fatted calf.

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    1. Hi Harrison,
      I was never a great Monty Python fan but ‘The Life Of Brian’ was brilliant.
      So many lines but one of the dafter ones I loved was:
      ‘I’m Brian and so’s my wife.’
      This is the fourth story with this type of subject matter that I have written but I need to mention the inspiration.
      The funniest take on any religious story is Billy Connolly’s ‘The Crucifixtion’
      (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WgXPBDrd8s)
      If you can handle the accent, it’s well worth a listen!
      Thanks as always my friend!
      Hugh

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  4. Funny as fuck, especially like the dialogue. Though I’ve only been reading your work for a short time, I think dialogue is your strongest point.

    Still awaiting a satire on the religion whose name translates into English as ‘submission’, an idea plagiarised (in the words of Christopher Hitchens) from the Old & New Testament as revealed – exclusively in Arabic – to an illiterate, probably epileptic, merchant. So I’m not taking sides, a certain Damascene conversion shows signs of epilepsy.

    Legal Pass: Although the Public Order Act 1986 was amended in 2006 to include the offence of religious hatred, section 29J explicitly protects freedom of expression. https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2006/1/schedule

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    1. Hi Stefan,
      Thanks so much for the interesting and complimentary comments.
      Isn’t freedom of expression / censorship an interesting topic? Too far one way and it is state dictating dangerous – Too far the other way and it is open day for the depraved!
      And all of that is relative to any specific individuals opinion.
      Regarding your comment on dialogue – I have to rely on dialogue as my description is shite!
      Oh and that is slightly better than my imagination.
      And don’t get me started on my awful titles!!
      All the very best my friend.
      Hugh

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      1. Although I’m ambiguous about written constitutions – no one can forsee the future – the Americans, in my opinion, struck the correct balance in bracketing freedom of speech and freedom of religious practice in the First Amendment. As framed, zealous sky pilots can’t be legally offended as religion & speech are aspects of freedom of expression.

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    1. Hi Ed,
      Thanks so much for the kind comments.
      Have a look at the link I’ve put on my answer to Harrison.
      I’ve never heard anything as funny as Connolly doing this routine. It always stayed with me over the years and inspired a few of my stories. (‘The Devil Went Down To Ayrshire’, ‘The Second Coming’ and ‘Sonny Dodds – The Magical Years’)
      I’m sure I read an interview with him that stated the reason he stopped doing this years ago was because it upset his father.
      That was a shame – Not that it upset his father – More that he stopped doing it!
      All the very best my friend.
      Hugh

      Like

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