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Week 280 – More Stories For Milky Tea Drinkers, An Aran Knit And Elongated Testicles – By Hugh Cron

Another seven days has bit the dust and we are now at Week 280

The submissions are fair flying in. Now I know that I’ve mentioned this before and there is a helluva strong hint about what we would rather not see in the submission guidelines, but there are a few others that I’d like to mention. If you are thinking on going with any of these ideas as stories please for the love of maybe there is something there, maybe not – Don’t!

The mix up at the library with you ending up with an erotic novel and your neighbour bumping into you.

Wearing the same jumper as your partner and having a good laugh about it.

A romantic misunderstanding that all turns out lovely eventually.

A child defecating in its bath.

Using the wrong flour in your Cupcakes and you winning the Rock Cake Competition.

An embarrassing situation with your boss that made you blush.

Saving money to buy those shoes you just must have and the sacrifices you made.

Your six year old saying as is to your mother-in-law.

Someone who believes they will never finding love doing so.

Trying to get pregnant and it finally happening when you least expect it.

First love all over again.

Mistaken identity but it working out.

A sexual identity story when lo and behold, their parents had known all along and are fine with it.

A child made by angels and sent down from heaven.

Thinking you were drinking non-alcoholic wine and getting tipsy in front of the Minister.

 

Guys – These are not good ideas, they are terrible / shit / awful / lame / beige / bland and when we read them they make us feel a wee bit nauseous with a smidgen of fury and a want to cut ourselves.

There are certain publications that specialise in this type of work. And if you subscribe to them you’re liable to receive a free knitting pattern or one piece of a model car. So all good then. You can knit, look at your plastic bumper and read those types of stories but please – Don’t send them to us!

To change the subject completely and also to see into the future:

We try not to mention too much about Mr Trump. Our hearts are with our American friends who have had to put up with Ronnie Raygun, then The Trump. But this is the second time it’s been mentioned lately and that’s about Kanye’s candidacy. In the name of all things insane, surely Kanye will bomb them all out the water with arrogance, self-worth and terrible singing. *(His rendition of ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ at Glastonbury in 2015 was a hanging offence. Poor old Freddy spun so much in his grave he fell out the bottom of the world.

All I can say is thank fuck Bieber is Canadian. Could you imagine him, his new found faith and his silly wee moustache with his finger on the button?

Could Kanye be allowed to use him as an advisor?? Wouldn’t that be the dream team of nightmares!!! Their clothes alone would start wars.

Okay onto this week’s stories.

We had three old friends, one new writer and me.

Our topics this week included; families, a regular, an animal tease, a need and soldier poverty.

As always our initial comments follow.

 

I was first up on Monday with ‘Hans‘.

I think most villages and district pubs have a Hans. When they were in their prime, they were feared but when they get older you can either pity or just look at them as pathetic…Depends on you, I suppose.

Thanks as always to Nik and Diane for all their encouragemnet.

 

On Tuesday we had Leila who is ploughing towards her seventieth story (I think she is at around sixty six)

Heisenberg And The Sapguile‘ was next up.

‘A Leila tree makes me grin!’

‘I enjoyed the silliness of this.’

‘Leila’s imagination is brilliant when she lets it loose. Or is it always that way, loose and free?’

 

We had our only new writer on Wednesday.

We welcome Reynard Laverna and hope that they have fun on the site. As always, we would like to see more of their work.

Buying My Mam Some Smack‘, broke the back of the week.

‘The final sentence is a killer.’

‘I found this quite emotional.’

‘Good construction and powerful.’

 

On Thursday it was the turn of DC Diamondopolous. Story number four was called ‘1932’

‘This causes you to feel a lot of hatred for governments.’

‘This is how history should be told, simple and personal.’

‘It doesn’t matter when we publish this, this type of story must always be told.’

 

And another milestone for Dave Henson as he finished off the week with his twentieth story for us.

The Family In The Hot Air Balloon‘ was next up on Friday.

‘Floating about in a balloon appeals to me.’

‘The family were deliciously horrible.’

‘What a strange wee story – Very entertaining!’

 

There were some new folks commenting over the last couple of weeks, let’s hope we keep them.

Leila had a day off with the Sunday Re-Run as Stefan got himself involved.

If you want a shot, pick out an older story that you’ve enjoyed and send us either a spiel or an introduction for it. You can also throw in a couple of questions for the writer and we’ll publish exactly what you sent us.

I thought I would finish off with some interesting facts about two hundred and eighty years back in 1740. But there was maybe only three and to be truthful, they were a bit pish.

Seemingly the surgeon who did the first ever appendectomy died. I’m not sure about his patient. And you wonder if he knew what he was doing or was he just winging it? It’s romantic to think on grave-robbing leading to healing.

Grog was first given to sailors. I would have preferred just the rum mind you, I despise water anywhere near my alcohol. There is an old drink and I don’t know if it’s just a Scottish thing but a lot of the older guys used to drink rum and pep. (Peppermint) Now that was disgusting. God knows why, maybe they thought they’d get lucky and they’d already had a blast of mouth wash.

And the only other uninteresting fact I saw was that ‘Rule Britannia’ was first performed to some Prince or whoever in Wales I think. I take it that they enjoyed it as we’ve been suffering it for centuries.

Two hundred and eighty years that’s been played and it still gets the daft bastards roused at the Proms.

…And don’t get me started on the reaction to ‘The Sailors Hornpipe’!

 

Hugh

*I know I’ve mentioned this many a time but people need reminded. And if you want a good laugh, it’s worth having another look.

***

If I may – perhaps a rule of thumb re submissions could be if anyone – especially your mam (sorry new WIP is based in The Pool and I’m in the zone) says that’s nice – nobody wants a ‘nice’ story except perhaps for an infant school teacher who expected an account of a camping holiday and instead received ‘My mam and dad took me on a jungle survival course and we ate cockroaches.’ dd

Image: Neil Rickards from London, England / CC BY https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)

 

4 thoughts on “Week 280 – More Stories For Milky Tea Drinkers, An Aran Knit And Elongated Testicles – By Hugh Cron”

  1. Fun and interesting Saturday post as always. I have a story in process with two possible endings. One ends sweetly and the other with vomit. Probably wouldn’t submit one of the versions to LS!

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    1. Hi Dave,
      Thanks as always!
      We have published ‘sweet’ before – I think it more depends on how it is handled.
      But you’re right, you can’t go wrong with vomit!!
      I’ve mentioned this loads of times but the most romantic and sweetest story we have on the site is ‘Short Straw’ by Louisa Owen – That’s how to do it!
      It’s always a pleasure to read your comments!
      All the very best my friend.
      Hugh

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  2. A good thing a person should ask herself before attempting writing for publication is this: Do I take Hallmark Channel Christmas movies seriously? I don’t know how it goes in the UK, but here in Murica, there’s this infected boil in the intestine of reality called “Christmas in July.” Someone at Hallmark decided, a few years back, that the holiday doesn’t get enough time. So, there’s this thing called the “Hallmark Movie Channel”–and all July long it broadcasts gooey Xmas pics starring people you have vaguely heard of and people you thought were dead. I don’t have the right stuff to watch more than five minutes of one of these things without turning psychotic. But they get huge ratings, or at least they get what Channel 500 considers such. I recommend that a person uncertain whether she should attempt publication or not ask herself her stand on Christmas in July. I see an enthusiastic “Oh, hell yes,” as a barrier.
    LA

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  3. Hi Leila,
    Unfortunately, I think I saw an advert for that very idea and we must have it somewhere amongst our stations.
    I think the reason I hate them all is that they are that total bastardisation of film and story telling – They are all Rom-Coms with fecking tinsel.
    Maybe I have a bad beef on escapism. I suppose escapism is relative to the reality that you need to come back to. That explains my attitude!!
    Thanks as always – Much appreciated!
    Hugh

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