All Stories, Latest News, Writing

Week 268 – Experts, Express Prescriptions And Apart From A Couple Of Fuds, Does Anyone Know A Good Vampire Joke?

Well here we are at Week 268.

A ‘conversation’ with Diane this week gave me the inspiration for this post.

I hate fads.

I hate how things can become flavour of the month.

It’s bad enough when we need to suffer experts spouting the obvious but when we hear them being all expert like with fads, it’s beyond patronising.

Over the years we have heard phrases like; person centred, mindfulness, work-life balance, empathy, best practice etc, etc. Politicians use them to death when they are campaigning, that should tell you not to engage – EVER!

And every day or so we have an expert on the news explaining the meaning of the thinking of that particular fad and we are subjected to their inane insulting pish.

The worst one I’ve heard is raising its head too often and is to do with stress, it states:

You should breathe in like you are smelling a flower and breathe out like you are blowing out a candle whilst rubbing your arms.

Isn’t that lovely and ever-so helpful.

Let’s take a young mum with three kids. Her partner was on a zero hour contract and has just been told that the factory was closing, the heating has broken down, the kids are knocking seven colours of shit out of each other and the cat is having kittens.

Her mother calls to tell her that her dad has been arrested as he has been serial killing and her phone runs out just as the washing machine blows up and the oven stops working.

According to the experts on this type of thing, she can handle all this if she simply breathes in like she is smelling a flower and breathes out like she is blowing out a candle whilst rubbing her arms.

You just know that she’ll feel a whole lot better when she beats the bawbag who suggested this to death with her washing machine door.

Here’s a tip guys if you feel stressed and want a wee pill to calm you down. Forget the buzz words and the fads. Don’t mention to your doctor about your work-life balance, lack of empathy or how mindful you are about how you are feeling.

When he asks why you are there, simply say that you want to hurt people. You’ll never see anyone reach for a prescription pad so quickly in your life.

Experts in stories are just as annoying.

I hate saying this as Dracula is one of my all time favourite legends but for every Dracula, there is a Van Helsing that knows about Dracula.

For every curse, there is someone who knows how to break the curse. For every evil genius, there is a good genius there to advise.

To me, the best ever consideration of this type was Stephen King’s story ‘IT’.

It was stated in the book that for every adult who thought up the legend of the vampire, there was a kid who thought up the legend of the stake to kill the vampire. This was nothing about them knowing anything, it was simple belief and courage.

Winging it is more believable than there always being someone there who knows for certain.

Regarding Vampire Stories, I thought Stephen King’s ‘Salems Lot’ was as atmospheric as it gets.

‘Live Girls’ is a novel by Ray Garton and this was the first book I read that was looked at from the vampire’s point of view.

And lastly, one of the most brilliant ideas regarding the Vampire legend is Richard Laymon’s ‘The Stake’

Laymon has taken two of the best known legends and put such a unique twist on them, he made them his own. (‘Savage’ was the other. It’s his totally imaginative take on ‘Jack The Ripper’)

Okay onto this week’s stories.

I am delighted to say that all our writers this week are new to the site.

That’s as good as those who return. It is brilliant for the site. We have established writers who are constantly here and we’re still able to encourage new writers to the site.

To all our writers this week, we extend a warm welcome. We hope that they continue to send us their work and that we have a long association with them.

Topics this week include; A continuation, a killer, embracing needs, acknowledgement and memories.

As always our initial comments follow.

 

First up on Monday was Hareendran Kallinkeel with their short story ‘The Curse Of Jasmine.’

‘I thought this was going down the fantasy route but it changed and her embracing her sexuality was the heart of the story.’

‘This was haunting and very well done.’

‘There were a few hints to the brother and father’s activities. This added to the backstory.’

 

On Tuesday we had Tom Koperwas. He was next up with, ‘Dying For Love.’

‘It was a different slant on the loneliness of age.’

‘Him wanting a reaction was thoughts on the old idea of being lonely in a crowd.’

The writing was good and I was drawn into the story.’

 

Emily A. Garfield’s ‘Witness Mark‘ broke the back of the week.

‘Death and reliving those moments and considerations is a complicated read but I’ve read this a few times now and I keep finding more.’

‘The atmosphere and confusion is brilliantly done.’

‘Time, constants, tangents, regret, confusion and continual loops can all be found in this. It takes some skill to pull it all together.’

 

Fresh Paint‘ was Anne Athena Dura’s story which was published on Thursday.

‘Brilliant idea of the killer having a practical trophy within their artwork.’

‘Great balance – The story was interesting and not overplayed.’

‘Anne didn’t go into any details that she didn’t want to, she kept a tight hold of her story and controlled it beautifully.’

 

And on Friday we finished off with ‘Asteroids‘ from Mark Andre Kalfa.

‘Brilliant sense of time.’

‘You just knew that this event would be exaggerated as the years went on.’

‘As a horror it works very well.’

 

That’s us rounded up for another week.

I’m going to try and change what I normally say here as repeatedly wasting the same typing is soul destroying.

Have a look at last Sundays Posting – You will see that it isn’t the norm. Check the previous ones and you will get the idea. You could do this, we don’t refuse. If you’re confused, read last Saturday’s Post and you’ll find the details.

And if you look at any weekdays you will see that we publish a story. If you click on that and scroll down you will see that some people participate – You could do that too.

 

Just to finish, I have a great love for vampire stories.

I realised that I didn’t know any vampire jokes so I had a look.

They are terrible.

There was one about lesbian vampires and one about a cup of hot water. But Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles could see where they were going.

So I had a think and I’ve come up with two Vampire jokes:

 

1. Tom Cruise

2. Robert Pattinson.

 

Hugh

The post obviously needed a blood sucking monster but I thought we’d all had enough of politicians! So, here’s a hopeful bat.

5 thoughts on “Week 268 – Experts, Express Prescriptions And Apart From A Couple Of Fuds, Does Anyone Know A Good Vampire Joke?”

  1. A maiden was walking alone late at night. There had been an unknown vampire stalking the village lately, but she didn’t care. She had a gold crucifix, in which she had complete faith.
    Suddenly, the vampire came at her, and he wasn’t impressed with her crucifix.
    “I don’t understand,” cried the maiden. “I have Faith.”
    “Allow me to explain,” said the vampire as he took her. “My name is Count Horowitz.”

    Like

    1. Hi Leila,

      No offence but I think I’m still looking for a hysterical vampire joke!
      But kudos for participating!
      Christ it’s difficult to answer anything regarding a vampire joke without your head being filled with terrible puns!
      I refuse to let them loose!
      Hugh

      Like

      1. I believe the reason for there being no funny vampire jokes lies in the fact that they do not exist. For something to be funny, no matter how absurd, there must to be truth in it.This is why there are no Klingon or jokes about True Love.
        I’ve searched through many hours of George Carlin and Steven Wright; not once is the vampire mentioned. If those two wise minds couldn’t find anything funny to say about vampires, then I must conclude that there is nothing truly amusing about the topic–except for the people who believe, against all evidence, in vampires. But that’s a different subject altogether.
        I am looking forward to the resurrection of Salem’s Lot, however. I recall a made for TV version I liked. I think that one of the Starsky and Hutch guys were in it along with an elderly James Mason.
        Regards,
        LA

        Like

  2. Even worse than experts spouting the obvious are celebrities who think they’re experts spouting their opinions. Another fun post and good roundup of the week’s stories. Love the colorful bat-o-graphic.

    Like

    1. Hi Dave,
      Thanks so much for the kind comments.
      Yep, celebrities should only do what they are supposed to. Singers should sing, actors should act and reality stars should …… (Add in your own preference)
      It’s great to see you around.
      All the very best my friend.
      Hugh

      Like

Leave a Reply to David Henson Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.