Last one folks for a wee while!
Well I suppose at this time of year, I should be considering kids.
I hate children. They are drowning our planet due to folks thinking that it is their right to procreate.
Get a dug you mugs!!!
Surely who is here has the right to a planet?
A dog will die for you. It will never disappoint. A kid on the otherhand, may well be the death of you and often let you down.
IVF is an affront to nature. I hate to say this guys but the first seventy year old who has a kid due to it being ‘their right’ and ends up making them into a pot of soup should not be scorned, they should be classed as the beginning of the end of all this nonsense.
A wee wumin who came into the shop where I worked told me that I wasn’t human due to me saying I had no time for children. I lowered my head and apologised as I felt my duty of care. She is in a cracking nursing home. Her pish gets cleaned up from her skudded legs at least twice a week. Her kids did her proud.
I have decided to sit beside the wee mutants if they are on the bus with their parents. Oh and these are the parents who think it’s a wonderful idea to let their offspring do what they want. So the wee fuckers sit by themselves and kick the seats. I will now be the weirdo who sits besides them and growls. This does two things. One it freaks the wee fuckers out and if it doesn’t, trust me, I’ll find something that does. I’ve been on ebay and I have a box of ‘Jim’ll Fix It’ badges. (Look up the reference if you don’t know!!) And secondly it worries the parents. They will be meerkats with haemorrhoids. They will sit up and look, but the dickless wonders won’t come near. They will leave their child with a potential freak. (I’m not…I’m a delight who has a point to prove.)
And even if they do, a growl really does put someone in their place. The fuckers would leave the kid due to a guttural exchange and them being pussybawz.
Now I may be being hard on kids or their parents but I don’t care. Most of them deserve it.
Let’s be honest, I reckon the hospitals fuck up so many times and they allow the afterbirth to leave with the parents and they chuck out the kids. I don’t understand why there are not many more children christened clumpy.
As for the abomination that are the parents….
Fuck…I can’t put any words in there that won’t really offend.
…So for all you folks that know the type I am talking about add your own phrasing!
I don’t know who I hate more, them or their offspring. Logic does dictate that there is a good chance that they will become their parents!
I just think that this time of year emphasises how kids will turn out. If there are any tears due to their presents, I reckon they should be euthanised. If not they will be taking what they want in whatever way that they want. They will become what I have always called them…PSK’s – Potential Serial Killers. And yep, that could be your offspring!!!!
So give it an itchy jumper and a mouldy carrot for Christmas, the world will thank you for it!
(NB – Skudded – Scottish word for dry and chapped
Pussybawz – Translated to vagina testicles. – Scottish word for a fearty person.
Fearty – Scottish word which comes from the verb ‘feart’ (Pronounced ‘feert’) which means scared.)
OK, onto our last stories of the year. We had three new folks, one second timer and a genius!
Our topics included cheese, password problems, worry, phone etiquette and an understanding of a consciousness.
As always our initial comments follow.
On Monday we had our first new person. We welcome them all and hope that they have fun and continue to send us more of their work.
Jay Nelson began the week with ‘Crackers’
‘This was slightly bonkers but in a clear and concise way.’
‘There’s a lot to like here. Some really good descriptions.’
‘This is deeper than one read will ever reveal.’
Daniel Olivieri returned and he now has his second story for us.
‘The Dead Monk’s Ipad‘ was next up on Tuesday.
‘I loved the misunderstanding between ‘real life’ and ‘life’ in Nirvana.’
‘The initial dialogue with the Apple Support Guy is something I wish I had thought of.’
‘Good idea, well written and very quirky.’
Another new person was published on Wednesday.
Rob McGhee’s first story for us was ‘Compromising Phone Calls.’
‘I liked the glimpses of his home life.’
‘I enjoyed the point that he made. Individuality is abandoned when it comes to fads.’
‘The character of the dad was very well written.’
And our last débutante was second last this week.
Philip Smith’s ‘Loss‘ nearly finished off our stories.
‘I was totally hooked.’
‘The wry delivery suited the sadness but I had a grin at the end.’
‘Working through his thoughts made you part of his illness.’
There is no better way to finish off our year than with the enigmatic Leila Allison.
It was a total pleasure to read and publish ‘The Endless Now.‘
‘The observation on her initial observation said so much about perception and actuality.’
‘I was in the waiting room with her and experiencing all the awkwardness of before and after the conversation.’
‘The ‘Myrtle’ line was brilliant!’
That’s it guys. It’s bye for another year!
All joking aside, even though I wasn’t, always remember the true meaning of Christmas and that is to get as pissed as possible as quickly as possible.
I will also share my New Year Toast:
‘Thank fuck that is over and fuck knows what this year will bring!
…And here’s to the girl in the fuck me coat!’
Poetic or what?
(It is actually all about perception and has nothing to do with me perving…Honest!!!)
I wish all of our writers and readers a very happy Christmas and a New Year that is never boring.
It’s been a total pleasure!!!
And to my fellow editors, I have no words that would do justice in expressing my gratitude and honour of being part of your lives!!
All the very best!!!
Even after 11 years of living in South Africa I can’t get used to a hot Christmas. There’s something wrong at an almost cellular level about eating slightly melted imported After Eights not to mention the brain-jangling weirdness of stepping into an air-conditioned shopping mall to witness fake snow and Christmas carols.
At least Hugh still considers me a friend despite the fact I have two kids. I hope he spent all day yesterday laughing at the idea of me driving for at least 14 hours across the southern tip of Africa with two mutants in the back seat.
For all of you who contribute so wonderfully to LS I wish you a safe and happy holiday season and hope that 2018 will be a great year of writing and reading for you all.
And of course to my fellow editors – thanks for making me a better writer and for brightening up even the dullest of days. I wish you everything of the best into 2018 and beyond
Isn’t it wonderful to see Hugh so suffused with goodwill and joy!! I also have children and what is possibly worse from his point of view, I have grandsons! My family just don’t know when to stop!!
I can only echo what the others have said here. Thank you so much to our writers and readers and I wish you and yours all the very best for the Solstice, Christmas, and may the New Year bring you all that you need and much of what you want.
To my colleagues! – all the very very best for a wonderful celebration with your loved ones and all good things in the coming year. Nik may the journey go better than the one in the story and may there be room at the inn and booze galore – you’ll need it by then!
Love to you all