“Hi, I’m Stacey!”
Oh wow, hiya! It’s been ages since I had somebody cool to talk to in person. You’re cool, right? Yeah, ‘course you are. New to the whole ‘undead’ gig, I take it? Just last month? Yeah, I’ve got a couple of years on you but it’s really not that much. I remember all the changes, it’s super crazy. I guess your master has you covered on the basics and the mouldy old traditions… uh huh, they totally leave out the important stuff! No worries, I’ll fill you in. Oh, and you can call me Stace for short. Anyway, where was I?
Right, like I was saying, the elders don’t get what it means to be a blood-sucker in the new millennium! You get prepped for hunting and the stupid squabbles and they try to teach you ‘the classics’ but they haven’t got a clue when it comes to the Internet. Have you been online since you were turned? It’s a good thing you haven’t ’cause it’s gonna give you a bit of culture shock.
First rule of vamp Facebook is don’t add your old contacts and never accept your master’s friend request. I don’t care what he threatens you with, don’t accept it! He’ll be all over your profile like starved fangs at a car crash. Trust me, the beatings are nothing compared to that level of snooping. Such a drag! As for your mortal friends and family… well, I don’t have to explain that one. Better they think you’re proper style dead. The elders are 100% correct about that. Questions you can’t answer, confusion over who the Hell’s buried in that grave, invitations to barbecues. It’s awkward!
Don’t worry though, you won’t be lacking friends! I mean, obviously I’m gonna add you. I also know some younger vamps I think you’ll love. There’s even this one dude who’s, like, a couple of centuries old but always keeps up with the times. His Tumblr is a blast, you really have to check it out! You’ll meet people on your own too once your master starts sending you out on missions and stuff. Some of them will be living breathing types! Gotta keep a finger on the pulse, you know?
Uh, but be careful of who you add ’cause you might end up going completely nuts. Like, I’ve got this human ‘friend’ Felicia, right? Well, Felicia loves to post pictures of herself in the sunshine. Okay so mortals do that, it isn’t weird on its own or anything. Except she always makes sure to tag me and writes stuff like “omg, I wish you could be here!” I mean, could you get any more transparent? You remember what it was like on Facebook when you were still breathing, it’s only been a month, so you’ll know all about those attention-seeking bitches. The ones that wanna rub their happiness all over everyone else. Fake friends sucked to begin with but now you’re a vampire? Yeah, it’s a billion times worse. The humans taunt you with their stupid humanness. Other vamp kids post anything to show off and make you feel insecure. The werewolves? Don’t even get me started on those flea bags.
That’s not the end of it! Do you like chatting on the public pages? Following comedy ones? I figured you would, you seem so friendly! You’ve got pretty eyes… Sorry, sorry, I lost track of what I was talking about… Oh yeah! Public.
There are three issues I gotta tell you about for that besides the obvious “Thou Shalt Never Reveal Thy Nature Under Pain Of Being Lectured To Total Death”, haha.
Top advice? Keep your profile private so they can’t come look at your photos. No, like, you’re super hot, don’t worry about that! And I know you get that you have to block your past out. This is because of the hotness part, really. It’s ridiculous the amount of jealous blood bags who’ll come to your profile simply to bitch and say you’re using PhotoShop. It’s not our fault our skin’s flawless and even if I did use filters, so what? They’re so insecure. You can’t talk seriously about fashion or make-up with those idiots without them starting a fuss. Although I suppose you’re not into all that. Oh, you are? Oh my God, we’re going to get on like a church on fire! So, yeah, if you can handle their fragile little egos then totally have your pictures public. Otherwise, hide ’em.
Next are the memes and the freaking appropriation. I mean, who do they think they are, painting themselves white like that? Goths can get away with it ’cause they’re like our human cousins but these weirdos who only do it for Halloween seriously need to get some imagination. How many ‘vampires’ do you see out at fancy dress parties? Exactly.
Oh, and when they do put a spin on it, it’s so embarrassing I want to die all over again. Sparkling? What self-respecting vampire sparkles? Well, okay, I like that glow-in-the-dark glitter for clubbing but I think you get me. Yeah, those books totally ruined our rep. You try to get close to a victim and reveal you’re a vampire and it’s suddenly “Take me, Bella!” and you have to go vomit last night’s breakfast.
Then you have to scroll through post after post of lame puns about blood types like ‘IB+’… it’s annoying. Maybe I’m a bit cranky right now though, I’m supposed to organise my master’s library later and there are seriously so many books. Why doesn’t he get a Kindle?
Ah, Hell, I actually should be going soon. I’ll tell you the last bit, okay, so that logging back online doesn’t completely blow.
Don’t feed the trolls! Seriously, attempting to get into arguments with atheists and sceptics is the worst pastime. It’s gonna seem like fun at first, right, when you know you could throw some sly little what-ifs their way. You know you can poke holes in their logic about the supernatural ’cause, well, you’re super now. We know loads they don’t. But it doesn’t work out like that. They throw fallacies in your face–yeah, there’s like a list of ten of those or something?–and then they demand evidence. Now, this is so totally not allowed but there was this time I filmed myself flying about my room. I know, stupid, right? Thing is, they didn’t believe it! It had to be fake. Even though I made this guy analyse it, he comes back with ‘inconclusive’. Maybe this “hiding what we are” thing isn’t that important any more. You can literally turn into a bat in front of these idiots and they’ll scream about special effects.
Anyway, dude, I have to go. My master will tear me a new one if I don’t get those smelly books in order. Wanna trade phone numbers?
…Okay, I got you. I’ll text you later with my full name. Remember to add me!
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