OK everyone, attention please. Find the table that matches your number, sit yourselves down and get chatting! When I ring the bell, ladies remain where you are, gentlemen move to the table to your left. Good luck and good love!
“Did she really just say good love? Sorry, I mean hello my name’s Darren and did she really just say good love?”
“Your badge gave you away and yes she did. Sorry, I mean hello my name’s Lucy which you probably already know now that I’ve given away my secret powers of name tag identification, your badge gave you away and yes she…you’re actually wearing a wedding ring. Of all the…”
“Hold on, I can explain.”
“This should be good.”
“I’m married.”
“That’s your explanation for being at a speed dating singles night wearing a wedding ring?”
“It’s ok, my wife runs it.”
“Mrs Good Love?”
“Yes. No please…don’t go! It was all her idea. She’s dying.”
“Dying?”
“She’s got a month left, tops. Thumb cancer. She wants me to find someone before she goes so she can give it the thumbs up. While she still has them.”
“Did you seriously just follow up being married with a cancer joke?”
“Bad form?”
“And then some. Look I get it, your mates thought it would be hilarious to take the piss out of the sad losers looking for love and you drew the short straw, but stop wasting my and everybody else’s time.”
“I’m not here as a wind up. And I’m not married. Not any more.”
“So why in God’s name did you wear a wedding ring tonight Darren?”
“I can’t take it off.”
“Oh. I’m sorry. Too many memories? Hard to let her go?”
“No. I’ve just put on a chunk of weight this year and my fingers are bigger.”
“You are such a twat.”
“No! I’m being serious. Check my fingers.”
“Fair enough, that thing’s going nowhere. But it doesn’t make you any less of a twat.”
“I know…look I’m sorry I didn’t mean to be such an arsehole. I’m scared shitless of this place. I just got nervous and started making stupid jokes and…look you seem really nice and I didn’t mean to offend you.”
“Nice? I’ve said the word twat twice…bollocks…three times already or didn’t you notice?”
“Swearing doesn’t bother me. Usually makes me laugh to be honest.”
“Well you’ll be laughing lots in that case. So…how about we be honest for the time we have left?”
“You make it sound like the end of the world’s coming.”
“What if it is? Maybe this is the last conversation either of us will ever have and when the bell rings…boom. Armageddon.”
“That’s a pretty strong case for honesty I’d say.”
“So are you married?”
“No. Divorced.”
“What happened?”
“She became indifferent.”
“Indifferent how? Towards the marriage? Towards you?”
“Both. Me…our lives. Everything really.”
“How long were you married for?”
“Eleven years. No kids. She was indifferent to that idea as well. We fought about it a lot. We fought about a lot of things. At the time it felt like the worst thing on earth but looking back it was easy enough to handle. I’d just tuck up on the ropes until she punched herself out and kill time until the make up sex and honeymoon cycle. At least when we fought it was because we both gave a shit. The indifference…it just overpowered me.”
“That’s sad.”
“Yes. Sad and pathetic.”
“Why pathetic?”
“Because the things we fought about while we still cared were the same things we fought about right from the time we met. We should never have got married but I was too much of a coward to back out.”
“Did you love her?”
“I thought I did. Yeah. I did.”
“Then it isn’t pathetic. It’s just sad that it didn’t work. Want to know what’s really pathetic?”
“Yes.”
“Becoming what men perceive you to be.”
“OK you’ll have to expand on that one a bit if you want me to give it a patheticism rating.”
“I swear and I’ve got a big laugh. I like being out and having fun – I always have. Throw in a tight top, skinny jeans and a couple of tattoos and in most men’s perception, the ones who’ve unfortunately crossed my path at least, I’m easy. The slightly dirty drinking girl who they can take home if nothing better comes along. And for more years than I want to remember I’ve been pathetic enough to live up to the image.”
“That’s not pathetic. It’s sad.”
“No. It’s pathetic. And sad.”
“Are we still being honest?”
“Armageddon is still looming.”
“You don’t look easy. Or dirty.”
“Ah…the double bluff. Well played, I’ll get my coat. There’s probably a back alley around here somewhere.”
“Stop it. I’m not trying to be a prick.”
“Then tell me Darren…are you really called Darren?”
“Yes. What, do people have stage names at these things or something?”
“Yep. All the time. But before you ask, I’m not one of them. I’m a genuine Lucy.”
“Fake Lucys are the worst.”
“Agreed. So tell me again, why weren’t you being a prick? What was your perception of me?”
“I thought you looked…normal.”
“Normal. Wow that’s…”
“No! You don’t understand. I just mean that…well…I had no idea what to expect from this place.”
“You were expecting lots of desperate souls with arses to match.”
“Yeah. I think I was. And you looked nothing like that. So I got nervous, made up a wife, joked about cancer and got called, most deservingly, a twat.”
“You’re not a complete twat.”
“He wasn’t a complete twat. That’s the stuff headstones are made of.”
“Ha!”
“You weren’t kidding about the laugh. Don’t look so cross, I think it’s great. Honestly!”
“Thanks. No…no sarcasm. Thanks. Genuine.”
“You’re welcome. That bell’s going to ring soon. Do you think we’ve been honest enough to save the world?”
“Maybe.”
“Well if it’s in doubt then…oh fuck it…look I really like you. You didn’t leave despite my best efforts at soaring into the twatosphere, you’re funny, you swear well and you have a great laugh. You don’t look easy or dirty you just look worn out from life not being what you wanted it to be. I know because I look at the same thing every day in the mirror. I also know that when that bell rings I’m leaving and I’d love to buy you a drink or a coffee and listen to you talk and swear and laugh and now I sound like a psycho and I need to stop talking so what do you say?”
Ding-ding! Off you go gentlemen, your soul mate could be just a table a way. Good luck and good love!
Header photograph: “Weddingring” by CLW at English Wikipedia – Transferred from en.wikipedia to Commons.. Licensed under Public Domain via Wikimedia Commons – https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Weddingring.JPG#/media/File:Weddingring.JPG
literally stories 
Witty dialogue, great fun – good way to start off the weekend. Incidentally I remember how this story started way back. You really made something out of that prompt. I’m glad I read this today. I’m feeling so down because of the sad state of affairs… I let bad things affect me too much. Anyway, thanks for cheering me up!
ATVB my friend
Tobbe
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Tobbe – I’m glad this could brighten your day a little after the tragic events of yesterday. Some really good material came out of our writing prompt / challenge days – I certainly found it a brilliant way to keep my brain sharp and my writing active. I’ve always had a soft spot for this story so I’m glad it still stands up to scrutiny 🙂 Cheers, Nik
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes me too! I know I repeat myself but in contrast to other stories this works even better. I mean, this one can stand on its own two feet but compared to the atmosphere of say Ella’s Ghost or Reinventing Amy, this story has another feeling. You do them so well. If I remember correctly this one originated from not even using quotation marks and just having dialogue, is that correct? You can tell, because it flows effortlessly.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’ve got a good memory! Yes, this was my lightbulb moment of writing without quotation marks and adding them in later. I enjoy writing dialogue – and the characters here are (as usual) a mix of people I know with a little bit of me thrown in 🙂
LikeLike
I love stories that are heavy on dialogue and this is witty and sharp and actually I think pretty believable. A great observational piece and it made me smile.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Diane – it’s important to have some smiles on a Friday I reckon. One of the criticisms I recently got about this piece is that the voices are too similar and I think this is something I need to work on going forward. I had a lot of fun writing the dialogue for this however and I’m glad that came across when reading it. Cheers, Nik
LikeLiked by 1 person
Very enjoyable story, Nik! That’s a great setting for a story. Actually, for many stories! I give you this idea. A man sits down and discovers the girl is one he went out with only once a couple years before. They both look at each other and gasp. What do they do? What do they say? They are frozen in time. You write the rest as only you can. I’ll be looking for it. Best of luck, June
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks June! I see I’ve got my homework laid out for the weekend 🙂 It really is a fun setting and location to play around with!
LikeLike
Some might not like the fact that there’s no real destination or conclusion to this piece but that would be to miss point – which is very good, knock-about banter. Enjoyed.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Richard – this whole thing stands and falls on the strength of the dialogue so I’m glad it worked for you! Appreciate your time and your thoughts. Cheers, Nik
LikeLike
Hi Nik, versatility is something that you embrace. I think ‘No Genre’ should be your genre.
I cannot say anything other than excellent, witty, believable dialogue.
All the very best my friend.
Hugh
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Hugh. One day when I’m big I may settle down into some sort of pattern…but in the meantime I’m having a lot of fun experimenting 🙂 Cheers, Nik
LikeLike