Hi guys, another weird week and I know that they’ll get weirder. Sodding interview on the 22nd as I was an idiot (No really) as I walked out my job due to me being allergic to working with a fuckwit of a manager. It threatened me three times with disciplinary as I questioned its total unfeasible dangerous requests and time management! No fucker has ever said no to this fuckwit. I knew if I didn’t need to speak to it, I would have been fine – But long story short – Questioned it, refused to do something fucking stupid, was threatened and then walked out!!
I have a couple of mentions of my Brother-In-Law Geordie Bell this week.
We went out for a few pints a week or so ago and something I realised that I did but now realise why, came to light.
I have a local pub that I go into of a Monday. It’s struggling. But when we got off the bus, it was shut. We went into the next pub, had a few and decided to have a wee crawl. We both had a great time and it was when I was thinking on we should do this again I realised I couldn’t. All pubs are struggling, so the odd tenner here or there doesn’t do any of them any good. However, if you nail your colours to one mast, then your sixty or so quid a week may help. It saddens me to see the state of pubs these days. Only three pubs in Ayr open at 10.00am and most of them shut their doors when it’s quiet. It’s hysterical that at one time the government was considering twenty-four hour opening. In a way, they have achieved that but it’s twenty four hours per week!!
George and my sister were just back from holidays with their friends. I know that I shouldn’t have laughed, but I was told that George had to be Heimliched by his pal. So that day that we were out, I did what anyone would do. I slagged him about it. I told him that now he has reached seventy, he should be counting how many times he chewed his food, I suggested thirty?? I then stated that I blamed my sister as she hadn’t cut up his meat small enough. I suggested that maybe he should stick to Soup and Angel Delight. And I finished off with what I thought was my best slagging:
‘Aye, and I heard that you and wee Graham got very close.’
He crucified me with the reply, he said:
‘I probably should have kept ma trousers on!’
I’d like to move onto old skills that we’ve lost. I was inspired to write about this a few weeks back when I was trying to spread butter just out the fridge onto a piece of soft bread. I think I could do this better as a kid! There was no spreadable and we weren’t that open to Margarine in them days!
I thought of more:
– Covering your jotter with wallpaper. (Or brown)
– Wrapping your piece with the Plain Breed Wrapper.
– Looking up something in an Encyclopedia having lost the index book.
– Respecting your grandparents even if they were old bastards.
– Being able to find a book in a library by using the reference cards.
– Tuning into Radio Luxembourg to get the least static.
– Un-Choke yourself due to a Spangle misadventure.
– Taping the chart show on a Cassette Player without catching the shite chat of the DJ.
– Being able to judge how many pickled onions, cubes of cheese and pineapple you would need to make a respectful Hedgehog.
– Looking up a phone number in the Phone Book.
– Manually changing channels on the TV.
– Stemming the blood after your Tufty Club badge stabbed you through the nipple.
– Avoid breaking your knuckles whilst playing Clackers.
– Using a dictionary as porn.
– Lighting a match using your thumb.
– Putting a needle on and lifting it off a record.
– Blagging your way into a pub at fifteen.
– Choosing the relevant weight of coin to counteract a scratch on an LP.
– Accepting yourself as you and not a fucking label.
– And the most important one (Especially relevant in Scotland) – Hiding and suppressing your emotions.
I do realise that if there are any youngsters reading this, they won’t have a Scooby about most of them!!
Onto this week’s stories.
We had two new writers, two returners and a well established friend of the site.
As always, our initial comments follow.
First up we had Mick Bloor with his twenty third story for us. This is a cracking amount but you also need to take into consideration the amount of Specials and Mick’s continual commenting which makes him one of our most prolific writers.
And we finished off with R.H. Nicholson’s, ‘Caged’. R.H. is also a new writer for us and we extend him the same warm welcome!
‘This spins you around.’
‘There’s a lot in this.’
‘This is one that you need to concentrate on.’
That’s us done and dusted.
As I’ve said over the last few postings, please keep doing what you are doing…Everything is going superbly well!!
The only thing I’d ask is for those who used to regularly comment, maybe have a look again. I’m sure you would enjoy the interaction that we now have that maybe we didn’t have a few years back.
To finish off I’d like to say a few words about OAPs – Not the booze swilling, Barley Sugar hating, Never to a Church Of A Sunday, Still having sex, having more life in them than a twenty year old and most importantly, great story tellers with life experience type…No not them, this type of cunt.
Obnoxious.
Arrogant.
Pedantic.
You will normally find them as a Micro-Managing Tit-head.
By the way, I keep needing to look that term up as it is so anal, controlling and pish, my mind refuses to comprehend it.
What I want to do is appeal to all the Serial Killers out there, these fuckers have never been targeted, don’t you think it’s time that you did?
Okay when you got caught and end up in the jail, you may have a sticky beginning when you tell your fellow inmates that you are ‘The OAP’ killer. But when you explain that it’s OAP as in:
Obnoxious.
Arrogant.
Pedantic.
You will be met with – ‘Whit they cunts! How many did you get?
I had forgotten about this one. Leila did a list a month or so back regarding story-telling songs. To my disgrace I forgot about this one which I consider one of the best!!
Image: Hugh’s favourite pub in sAyr – Drouthy Neighbours in the twilight with the lights shining out a welcome.
Here it is, Week 523 which follows on from last weeks 522! Not much of a surprise!
First off, Leila made me realise something, I’ve lost an old skill. She mentioned a song of a favourite Rock Group of mine, ‘Rainbow’ and I realised that I didn’t know it. I was pleased (For my own sanity) that I’d never owned the album it came from. That was what made me think. If you love music and are of a certain age, albums and their included songs came to you hand in hand. This happened in a split second. As soon as someone mentioned a song you blinked and in that time you saw yourself opening the album cover and taking out the record. You then would state:
‘This Night’? – That’d be Billy Joel’s ‘Innocent Man Album.’
‘Spread Your Wings’? – That’d be Queen’s ‘News Of The World’ album’
‘Dirty Water’? – That’d be ‘The Quo’s ‘Rockin’ All Over The World’ Album’
Those three came to me and there would be a lot more but there is probably double that amount that I’d not know when at one time I did.
This may go on a wee bit as my head is full of stuff. I should probably separate (I can never spell that sodding word!!) it all and make a few posts out of this or that or whatever, but what the hell, I enjoy writing off the cuff. (I need to check where that saying came from) First off, I need to say what a cracking four days with my lovely wife who I judge for staying with me!! We went to Skye. What a stunning place. Beautiful people. What a diversity of folks as well. I think I counted fourteen nationalities that I spoke to over four days. But fuck me, it’s expensive—I think only Paris could compare. However, it didn’t matter. We were together for forty years so we said ‘Sod it! Let’s go somewhere we have always wanted to see.’ Skye was that very place. I drank Talisker in Skye which is the home of Talisker. I had a few Drambuies, which was made for Bonnie prince Charlie. I got dizzy as every sodding place is so high. I ate superb seafood. Met an Aussie / Kiwi couple who were travelling half of Europe on their honeymoon and a wee mad mental Liverpudlian fellow who walked a bit weird. We both wondered if he had had an injury and he told us that he had. He jumped off a one hundred and fifty foot cliff, was blown back onto the cliffs. He broke all his ribs and shattered all of his mouth. He was a young guy and I asked him how his mum felt, he stated, and I will always remember this, ‘When I was well, she hurt me more than the broken ribs and fucked up teeth.’
All in all, I know that there are folks from all countries reading this…If you ever get the chance, go there, it is something that I have never experienced before. You just think two things:
1. Is this no a bit good!!
2. I’m insignificant. Mother Nature tops us all!!!
Before I begin, I need to send some well deserved plaudits to our very own Leila. You see, the holy grail of the comments world is getting over thirty. A writer a while back managed thirty three. I wish I could remember what story it was Nik wrote that gave him a thirty odd. As far as I can remember, these are the only two who had managed to achieve this. But with Leila’s brilliant post last week, she has, up until now, amassed a mind-blowing forty four comments. (Probably more by the time this is published!) Between Leila and Tom Sheehan, they hold most site records.
Literally snobs will come up with the usual suspects that I’ll not mention. I can’t really as there are very few of the so called classics that I have read.
This will be a bit random, but I think that’s how my mind works. Random and tangents stop me being bored. I hate being bored. That is why I hate my work. My brother-in-law said before he retired that he worried that he’d get bored. I’m never bored when I’m not working and always bored when I am!
literally stories 