Since this is a bit of a milestone, six hundred weeks is something to behold, I’m going to start off in a good mood, I can’t promise that I’ll stay that way as life trudges on and I’ve found that it goes out it’s way to annoy me. I can sit here, being happy and I can guarantee that a phone-call, a thought or an email will make me want to kill someone. Probably the fucker who phoned, or sent the email or I thought about.
So to begin with, I need something to make me smile.
This band always does!!
*I’d also like to ask two quick riddles
1. What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
2. What is so fragile that even stating it’s name breaks it?
Following on from my topic last time, I want to advise, again, something that we have mentioned before. Some topics will never make it, as, well, we just don’t like them. The one that I want to touch on is animal cruelty.
We hate that.
I wrote about Peter Mullen in my previous Saturday’s Post. He has done some brilliant work. (‘Trainspotting’, ‘Neds’, ‘My Name Is Joe’ etc.
I wanted to watch ‘Tyrannosaur’ which he also stared in but THANKFULLY I read about the first scene. Due to that, I’ve avoided it like the plague.
I also have only watched ‘The Wee Man’ just once because of the same sort of reason.
Gwen loves those John Wick films but when I heard his dog was killed – I ain’t watching them either.
This is a lesson to the fucking outraged – If you know you will be outraged, don’t read the fucking story!!
Since this is number six hundred, I reckon I need to do something enlightening and appropriate. I thought about a lot of the topics I’ve used in these and also the points I’ve made and those that have been made to us. I’ve come up with this. It’s a sort of list of things that I’ve used and the experience that we’ve all gained. I’ve done these since Week 64 and Leila has taken one every two weeks since around Week 360ish.
I would say that I have learnt a helluva a lot about the site, these postings, writing and myself in that time.
So in no particular order!
– A statistic first. We’ve had over 17 000 submissions.
– Since Week 64, I’ve been trying to work out how to easily find out how many writers we have.
– From those, only three people who’ve been published took umbrage with us.
– There are only three previous writers who we would now never consider.
– AI is something newish. There wasn’t many stories of this ilk at the beginning. There is now and they are mostly fucking boring.
– There are always exceptions.
– Sometimes there are never exceptions.
– We changed the guidelines once and had to change them back due to some woke fuckwit. I really do regret that…But for the good of the site, I was happy to accept my regret.
– All our decisions are for the good of the site.
– Telling us you have chronic dandruff and such like is more information than we need.
– If we piss you off, have some pride, stay pissed off!!
– If you become un-pissed off, I can’t promised that we’ll do the same.
– A decision is a decision, asking us to change our mind is futile.
– We can spot passive aggressiveness in an email a mile away. We will respond courteously but we really want to answer with ‘Fuck off and die’!
– We’ll always be professional.
– In our minds and wishes, we can be really childish.
– Comments instigate thought and inspiration.
– Those who don’t comment or read comments are missing out on thought and inspiration.
– I’ve used comments between myself, Leila and Diane as inspiration for these postings.
– We can’t thank those who comment enough!
– As already mentioned in this post, animal cruelty stories will never get through. I’m still
traumatised by the late, great Tom Sheehan’s brilliant but harrowing story ‘Titanic’. (I’m filling up as we speak)
– We all miss Tom Sheehan.
– We’re all in awe of the amount and quality of Tom’s work.
– The three topics that I use for a title in these postings, I try not to use the words from the body of the posting.
– I’ve always wondered if anyone noticed the point above?
– Sometimes the number of the posting has relevance.
– There are only two films with the number 600. They are ‘The 600’ (A Rwandan film) and ‘600 Miles’ staring Tim Roth.
– I know fuck all about Rwandan films.
– Anything with Tim Roth in is worth watching – I’ll have a look.
– Any song that has the number 600 in it, to me, looks like shit.
– I know very little about classical literature and very seldom do I use any content in these postings. Except to slag off ‘1984’ and Shakespeare.
– I wonder if my slagging off of any topic is insecurity?
– See above – Fuck that – They bore me!!!
– I sometimes scribble down bits and pieces that’ve made me think and I hope that I can use them in The Saturday Posting, but as a rule I very seldom know what I’m going to write about. – I’m sure you’ve noticed.
– Another old tip. Never in the name of fuck, class you or your story as hysterical.
– PC, Woke, Proclaimers and The Outraged are and always will be cunts.
– I swear a lot but I don’t give a fuck!
– Our (You) writers are as good, if not better than many a published writer!!
– I will always hate romance!
– Sometime happy coincidences happen. This part of the posting is exactly 600 words!
Okay onto this week’s stories.
We had two new writers, a third timer, a sixth timer and a twenty-fifth timer.
To our new folks, we welcome them, hope that they have fun on the site and continue to send us their work.
We began the week with our first new writer, Brian Stumbaugh. His story was entitled, ‘Judy
Triton’
‘There are some great lines throughout.’
‘The tone was excellent.’
‘This was very enjoyable.’
On Tuesday the story was, ‘The Beggar’s Stone’ The writer was Peter Biles who we have now published for a third time.
‘A weird little story.’
‘The ending nearly eluded me.’
‘A bit mystical.’
P.R. Woods was our next new writer. The story ‘Reconciled To Eternity’ was next up.
‘This says much about the world and its deadening hypocrisy.’
‘Some credit for the writer taking the high wire.’
‘Tawdry but in a very good way.’
On Thursday we had Michael Smith with his sixth story for us entitled, ‘Bradley Hand & Lucinda Grande.’
‘I was amused by the names.’
‘It was a look at two different points of view.’
‘The MC was a total arse.’
And we finished off with a wonderful friend of the site. Christopher Ananias is not only a brilliant writer, he comments and supports the site.
‘A Certain Type Of Shopper’ was his latest offering.
‘CJA has a brilliant, strange mind.’
‘I love the observations.’
‘The ending was hilarious.’
That’s us for another week.
Send in a Re-Run (A story you read a while back and enjoyed) Throw in an introduction and we will post what you send us.
Please keep commenting or begin to comment.
Say ‘Thanks’ to the folks who take the time to read and comment.
Before I forget*
1. A spiiiiiiiiiider.
2. Silence
I need to thank Mr Tam Cowan whose column in ‘The Sunday Post’ has given me a few of the really stupid jokes I’ve used.
Just before a last piece of music, I will leave you with something he was pondering…
‘I’ve read a lot about rivers and the term for effluent is always raw sewage…What kind of weirdo cooks it??’
I’ve been watching ‘Lazarus’ by Harlan Coben – Not my favourite of his but it was still enjoyable and there is a song throughout that reminded me of a cover that was miles better than the original. If ever a song suited a voice, this is that one!
Oh and we just had to say:
Thanks to all of you who have stuck with us over these six hundred postings, the writers, the readers and especially those who comment – We appreciate you all!!!
Hi All
Thank you, thank you for sticking around 600 weeks Good Gordon Highlanders. dd
My answer was a Spider wearing one pair of glasses (or two monocles). Yours is far far better. Actually, I thought “quiet” for the second, so I think I got a check plus plus for that one!
Yes 600 is a tremendous achievement. There are lots of things that pile up that do not mean much, like 10,000 news broadcasts–those happen anyway. But something not driven by money, a human effort, is remarkable.
Let’s do some math. You did from 64 to something like 364 alone–so (duh) that’s 300, then half of the last five and a half years, which adds at least another 130 or so, so you will be closing in on 500 sometime in the next year and a half or so. There must be a way to pin that down without going one by one. Hmmm. And with a hundred-thirty some-odd stories you are already past that mark.
Congratulations to all who have been with us. I’d say we have had a 98% success rate with people–judged on basic manners and a lack of annoyance. The other 2% are the 2% type of people we all know.
Great clips. Never heard Dusty do that song before. She is a favorite of mine. Another who died too damn young.
I miss Tom, too–keep half expecting to see a new email from him. So it goes for us all.
Leila
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Hi leila,
Thanks as always.
It astounds me the amount of pish that I can talk. I reckon I should have been a mid-morning DJ!
Tom will always be missed. He was a talent that only comes around once in a lifetime!
Everything Dusty sang was brilliant but I especially thought that song suited her voice.
Thanks again.
Hugh
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Hi again Hugh
My calculations have you, with wraps and stories at between 570-590. Considering that I am second at a combined 280 (ish) and Tom a straight 227, it would take something like 7 years, publishing once per week (and you not at all) to catch you. Therefore impossible! That is is lot of productive pish.
Leila
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Hi Hugh
Awesome milestone, congrats on making the 600 club!
Have to agree animal cruelty stories are sickening.
A spider with ten eyes… Normal lol.
It’s always fun to hear your behind the scenes… With submissions. 17,000 that’s a universe!
This line made me laugh, “– I swear a lot but I don’t give a fuck!”
Thanks for the shout out!
Christopher
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Hi Christopher,
Thanks as always.
You deserve all the credits for your story – It was brilliantly perceptive!
It’s weird that a wee beastie can have multiple eyes and that is classed as the norm. But if your Aunt Hilda had three, she would be considered strange looking!
Hope all is well with you my fine friend.
Hugh
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Bravo to Week 600!
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Hi there,
Thanks so much.
After our first month doing this, there was no way that we would get to week twenty never mind six hundred!
All the very best.
Hugh
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A hearty congratulations on 600! A good list. I especially like the exceptions to the exceptions. That’s a fun cover of the Tom Jones classic. Dusty Springfield never disappoints. I got no. 2, but was clueless on one. But from now on, if anyone ever asks me “What do you call a spider with eleven eyes?” I’ll know.
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Hi Dave,
Mr Jones could sing the phone-book!
Not as many names in it now-a-days!!! Ripping it apart was once a trick from a strong-man, now a toddler could gnaw through it!!!
You have been with us for many of those 600 postings and for that we will always be grateful!
Thanks as always my fine friend.
Hugh
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Dear LSâCongratulations
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Hi there,
Thank you so much for the kind words.
All the very best.
Hugh
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it’s true we are childish sometimes but I love that. Spookily I was listening to Dusty while I was reading this. Yes. Tom is sadly missed but then as Terry P says a man is never dead while his name is spoken. His name will always be spoken round LS Towers I reckon.
Thanks to you and Leila for turning up week after week for these roundups. Who would ever imagined we would still be clogging on all these weeks later! Thanks for this and whatevrr you do keep on being you. dd x
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Thanks Diane!!
Let’s be honest, it’s a miracle that I’ve not obliterated the site!!
I asked Gwen the other day if I was a technophobe and she said, ‘No but you do swear a lot and get angry.’
I accepted this and then asked her, ‘Would you say that technology hates me?’ Her answer to that was ‘Without a doubt.’
I’ve told you all before that all through my life when being shown a system, the tutors would continually say whilst staring at my screen, ‘Well, I’ve never seen that!’ This is the total truth!!!!
I love how the site has evolved but do you know what – There was something about having to find something week to week!!!
…Not exactly sure how we got through it but we did!!!
Thanks as always for your help and patience!!!!
Hugh
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Hugh,
A.I. stories are mostly boring and “Sometimes there are never exceptions.” I come across them all the time. I agree.
The opening two jokes were very good, but the best joke you ever shared with us I often use as an I.Q. test. You would be surprised how well it divides the world by degrees of wit and sophistication — A priest, a minister, and a rabbit go into a hospital to give blood. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a Type O.”
This is a litmus test. If the candidate doesn’t get it, I drink alone! Sometimes there are no exceptions. Thanks! — Gerry
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Hi Gerry,
I wish I had thought of that joke, or in your case, IQ test. (That is brilliant!!!!)
I actually have it scribbled on a piece of paper and I carry it in my wallet. For those kids out there who don’t know what a scribble is…Or a piece of paper is…Or a wallet is…Ask your gran…Ask Alexa to explain who your gran is!!!
I ask the person who I show it to, not to say anything until they have read it. I’m not sure if it’s the more intelligent ones who state, ‘Should that not be Rabbi?’ But when I think on it, they can’t sodding follow simple instruction!!!!
Ahhhh…Drinking alone has it’s merits!
All my very best to you my fine friend.
Plod on and keep your head down!!!!!
Hugh
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Hi Hugh
Excellent post! Your list has great energy, interest, importance, and an original voice.
600 and 17,000 are very big numbers.
I think Literally Stories is a pioneer in publishing. Over the last thirty years or so especially, traditional publishing has gone into crisis, fragmented, largely disappeared, then been resurrected as a mainstream leviathan taken over by corporate monsters.
Within that systematic structure that mostly just supports corporate society (even in the fiction it produces, and sometimes especially in the fiction it produces), there is very little room for original voices, and even less room for truly challenging and unique voices.
Wonderful to know that LS and a very few others like it have stepped into the breach to pick up the slack and allow a space for originality and uniqueness.
On the other hand, there have always been writers and publishers who have done it for the love of the game, and not for money (the list here goes on and on). So in that sense, Literally Stories is carrying on a very admirable and long, venerable, moral (as in good) tradition.
Money ain’t everything in this world nor should it be and when it becomes everything, everything becomes bad! Worshiping the Golden Calf instead of life itself is a ticket straight to hell on earth.
Thanks for everything you’ve done and continue to do, Hugh!
Dale
PS Your comments on commenting are absolutely correct! Too many people don’t know what they’re missing out on by not engaging in this way…
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Hi Dale,
On behalf of us all, thanks so much for your kind words, we are humbled by them!!!
This is only my opinion. We have been a wee bit old school in the way that we look at submissions. Myself, Diane and Leila, all have trudged through submitting by snail mail. I’m sure we have all lost many a copy of a manuscript as it has been thrown aside by a publisher or agent.
It was all an experience and we never take anything for granted. We try and treat all our authors and submitters with great respect. We try to be as human as we can.
Sadly I reckon, this world of insta this, twitter that, causes seeing your words so easy. So many of the kids have no idea the work and expense it used to take to try and get your work published. I’m guessing here but over the last five years we’ve probably dealt with more than we all did withing the first twenty years of us trying to be published.
However, I wouldn’t change that. Leila has a following and I still believe that she is as talented as I’ve read. Diane has worked damn hard and is now around the thirty mark for published books. Me, well maybe one day I’ll update the novels that I have written and try again. (It’s over thirty years since I started) Even when you think on the technology of mobile phones over that period of time, I’d need to revisit my characters, remove them from libraries and phone boxes! And don’t get me started on language and character!!!
I’m happy what I’m doing. I’ve accepted where I’m going within writing. If I can help someone I will. I can’t help them with success but I sure as fuck can help them with all the pitfalls!!!!
And I wish I knew how much inspiration commenting has given me. Writers don’t realise what a goldmine it is!
Thanks again Dale, you are a true gent!!!!
Hugh
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Congratulations on the 600 weeks! Terrific achievement. And 17,000 plus submissions is such a huge number that it’s a bit scary.
And now for a first! I got one of the puzzles! spiiiiiiiiiider!
And I agree with Gerry, ‘the priest, minister & rabbit’ joke is pure gold. I’ve shamelessly pinched it.
best wishes for the future,
mick
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Hi there Mick,
Thanks so much for the kind words.
This site is only as good as those who get involved. For that we need to thank all who contribute.
You are more than welcome to pinch anything!!! As I’ve said, I always look at The Sunday Post for Tam Cowan’s column (I followed him from The Daily Record.) He normally has something that I can use.
The most stupid but brilliant quote I used was from a journalist called Ricky Brown. It was a few days before an Old Firm match and he stated:
‘I was in the pub the other night and all my pals were talking about the upcoming match. One of them then asked, ‘Do you think god is a catholic or a protestant?’ This caused more drinks and much debate. It ended in agreement. They all agreed that if Celtic won, god was a catholic and if Rangers won he was protestant.
…I need to find new pals!!’
Oh and this one!! I truly hope this is authentic.
A girl in her late teens was in the anti-natal clinic with her friend. She looked at one of the posters and stated, ‘Chlamydia, that’s a lovely name, if I huv a wean, I’ll call it that.’
Thanks as always my fine friend.
Hope life is being kind to you and yours.
Hugh
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Hi Leila,
Thanks for the totals.
I think I have a stick somewhere with a lot of the early Saturday Round-ups. There are some on my files in my present computer and some on another stick that I can’t find.
What I have noticed when I look back, there are only numbers on them, no titles. I always work that out at the end and add it when I save it on the site.
When I can’t find something, it’s normally been them! The fiends!! I’ve also lost a cracking kitchen knife, a belt buckle, a ring and my will to live. Gwen has lost medication, moisturiser, a bag, a purse and a lipstick.
To be fair I lost the will to live a while back.
I’m thinking of taking the fiends up to see my mother. I’ll turn my back for ten minutes and, well, here’s hoping!!!!
Thanks again for the numbers!! They were interesting.
Hugh
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Congratulations on an amazing 600 week milestone!! And 17,000 submissions … that you’ve not only read but taken the time (accepted or rejected) to give great feedback. Absolute gold.
Sadly, I don’t seem to manage my time well enough to read LS stories daily but whenever I do, I marvel at the diversity of the site and how brilliant the writing … although, must confess, I often zip to the comments just to make sure I haven’t misinterpreted the story!
In addition to the great stories, I’d like to say a big, fat THANK YOU for the laugh-out-loud weekend updates – I always leave LS with a smile and feeling somewhat kindred – the 600th week is certainly no exception.
And Hugh, I do hope you resubmit your novels … Aussie sale right here.
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Hi Karen,
Thanks so much for the very kind words!!
They are much appreciated and we will never take the site or the readers / commentators for granted.
If we give you a smile, we will be delighted.
I was just talking to Gwen last night and I said, ‘No matter what we’ve done or will do, the thing I’m most proud of is the quality of the stories on the site. (I hope) We’ve never dropped our standards and even if the submissions take a dive in numbers, we will never change that.
HAH!! Never worry about misinterpreting a story. One of mine was about a vampire and most folks thought he was a paedophile!!
I find it very arrogant of a writer to insist that readers ‘get’ what they were aiming for. If someone takes it in a different way, that one person has given it another and different life! That can only be good.
Thank you so much for the promise of my one and only potential sale…But alas it will not to be as I probably can’t be arsed writing into my work a fucking mobile phone!!!
However, it will at least save you a return journey to the book store and asking for your money back!!!!
Thanks again!
I hope life is being kind to you and yours.
Hugh
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Happy 600! Love the list of learnings – will have to look up why the Proclaimers are cunts. Great week of stories too – as always.
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Hi Paul,
Thanks for the kind words.
HAH! You don’t need to read anything about ‘The Proclaimers’, you just need to listen to them!!
But they did give me a name for the reference to those twats who tell us what their preferred pronoun is. When we receive a submission, we will call the person by their name and we don’t pass anything about them on, so their pronoun is a moot point.
Thanks again my fine friend.
Hope life is being kind to you and yours.
Hugh
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