Sometime this spring will mark my fourth anniversary of sharing the weekend wrap duties. It was either in April or May 2021, I think, although I could look it up.
My first contained a list of A to Z synonyms for dopes (as in fools, not drugs; not excluding the possibility of fools on drugs). Once again I feel my dope senses tingling, so this time is as good as any to revisit the “tropic of the inane.”
Since this is my retirement (from my day job) year, the focus will be on workplace dopes. Much has changed in culture (hate that word) and technology since I began working for a living way back in the hunter-gatherer era of the 1970’s, but never the soul of your basic dope. Every year brings in a fresh crop and I am happy to be free of them. No one can live a dope free existence, but mine should improve when I subtract forty hours’ a week mandatory exposure to dopes from my life. Since I do not seek dopes and have developed a fairly accurate dope radar, only the very occasional stray dope that gets into the submissions’ gmail and the free range wild dopes we all find on the street should vex my serenity.
In my studies I found, however, one word that used to be the exclusive property of dopes has greatly changed (and continues to shape shift) during my lifetime. Geek once described a certain type of circus freak who took part in disgusting activities, such as biting the heads off Chickens. But later on turned into a synonym for wimp, as in “pencil-necked geek”–a term popularized by rasslin’s “Classy Freddie Blassie” in a song by that name, which was a staple of The Doctor Demento Show. Then in the 80’s it evolved to “genius wimp” and eventually the “rich wimp with the supermodel wife.” Being at the top, there is only one way for geek to go now, and it isn’t to heaven. That’s because persons, such as Elon Musk, are devolving, devaluing and degrading geek toward being just another word for asshole.
It proves a pet theory of mine: education eases ignorance, feeds intelligence and intensifies stupidity. Therefore, “Devolution,” as the 80’s geeks in the plastic hats once proclaimed, is inevitable.
There’s one more key observation on dopehood that I should mention: a person cannot decide if she or he is a dope. That’s a job for other people. It’s like the old saying about not being how much you love but how much you are loved. Or to paraphrase the Fab Four, in the end it’s not the dope you take, but the dope you make (for some reason nearly all late sixties’ Beatle references can be connected to drug use). If a superior percentage of the persons who have to deal with you consider you a dope–well, the Awful Truth is a sorrowful mistress.
Fortunately for all, the Week That Was is mostly dope free. It began with a wonderful Sunday Rerun, by our Editor Emeritus, Nik Eveleigh. Gastro the Great is celebrating its tenth year in the archives and deserves to take center stage once again. I hope you check it out if you haven’t already done so.
It figures in a post centered on dopes, that I would show up for the third Monday in a row. Still, I own up to all I do, including The Insolence of the Lambs on Monday: a Feckless Fable.
Tuesday brought an entertaining look at a familiar topic in submissions. We get a lot of time travel stuff and hardly any of it is as clear as newcomer Jonah Jones’ A Time Machine That Was and Wasn’t at the Same Time. Having had to deal with the subject myself (in a far more limited way) one has to cover all the holes without losing oneself or, especially, the reader. When time travel is done right, it looks like this one. (As long as it hasn’t vanished into a wormhole since the start of this paragraph).
Everyone Dies by Danni Meek is another well turned out piece about a familiar subject, that we all have in common…hint…hint. As much as getting time travel over, a special effort must be evident when the scythe comes calling. Danni’s appearance on Wednesday underscores her success in that department. The close of it is brilliantly accomplished!
Shakespeare: Made Man from the ever creative wit of return writer Geraint Jonathan, Thursday, is utterly unique as a subject but it also walks through that other Valley of Death known as “Humour.” Most pieces that fail as humour (other than the plain not funny stuff) do so because they are essentially one note jokes that wear you out quickly. Geraint brilliantly avoided that trap and the result is quite satisfying.
Our third first time contributor, Tom Bentley-Fisher, eloquently closed the week with Woman With Jigsaw Puzzle. An innocent might consider this story surreal; nobody lives that way. But people do. And sometimes we are the tragedy ourselves. There is a tremendous amount of pain and hopelessness in this one. In many places in our world, there remain situations that have no lights shining ahead. Survival is the good news. This tale speaks well of that kind of despair. The mind hunkers down and survives.
Well, there we are, another week safely secured in the books. Many plaudits have been issued (although there is always room for more), flower petals flung and soon wee folk similar to SK’s langoliers will be by to straighten the place up. So in the meantime I say we enjoy ourselves with a good old fashioned dope bashing.
I now unveil the 2025 A to Z of Workplace Dopes
(no omissions but suggestions are always sought)
- Anal Crunch (heard a girl use the term and it has stuck)
- Beethead (as in vegetable, only good in print)
- Colon Mouthed Viper
- Dickfor
- Excrementalist (has unerring knack for thinking of the shittiest solutions possible)
- Fecalskull (some Fecalskulls are not Excrementalists, but all Excrementalists are Fecalskulls–sort of like the relationship between feeps and foops in IQ exams)
- Gasper the Smelly Ghost (one used only by me regarding this annoying woman–a manager, of course– at work who, according to my nostrils, bathes in Jimmy Choo, which she must buy by the barrel. You can smell her coming way the hell down the hall, which is often useful, for those of us experienced enough to know all the exits and escape hatches)
- Heaver Cleaver (another personal one about this dim guy at work who’s always slugging down Mountain Dew thus on the precipice of belching but never lets it out. I fear being in the same county when he finally explodes)
- (The) Immaculate Constipator (Unlikely sources–again managers– who claim to have Big Ideas but never share them)
- Jabberjaw Blabbermaw (this person never never never stops talking; she’d make a Budgie hang herself)
- Knothead (a seaside classic)
- Lunkhead (a close associate of the Knothead)
- Micro-Middling-Manager (the most obvious choice; often appears on the cover of The Dope Digest)
- No No Nancy ( a person who will disagree with you just to piss you off. “Mine” happens to be named Nancy, and although hate is a bit extreme to say about anyone, it’s probably three-fourths accurate here )
- (the) Octopus (you’d think that in this day and age people would be afraid to grab other people’s hands or place an arm around them at work. Yet this creature still exists)
- Pillock (the UK classic that describes the “painfully” stupid)
- Quail Dawg (Love the critter, but “pointers,” as people, is another matter altogether. We got one whose mom didn’t tell him it is impolite. I do not appreciate persons who inspire violent fantasies involving their fingers and a pair of hedge clippers piloted by me to flourish in my mind. I am trying to be a better person (at least mentally); pointers undo that high aim)
- Reclaimer (person who abandons a job then tries to horn in on the credit after someone else finishes it)
- Septic Tongue (everything this person contains a profanity; I’m all for cussing, but only when needed)
- Trumpster (nuff said)
- Ultimatumnator (everything is a crisis and failure will result in the end of days–”We must work late!” sort of person. As if. Usually a toothless middle manager and a laughingstock; the “Chicken Little” of the dope world)
- (the) Viceroy (spends every minute talking about his sins. Wouldn’t mind, but he is one boring ass sinner. Smoking pot while watching reruns of South Park is hardly on the epic scale of the Marquis de Sade, or yours truly for that matter)
- Wanker (another UK classic)
- (Se-)Xsposer (guys in skin tight pants with a pair of socks strategically tucked in, girls in low cut sweaters. Why people come to work dressed for the disco is beyond me)
- (Ol’) Yeller (we got one guy who claims he will tell the boss where to go and how far to stick it, but gets all yessir, yessir when it is time to do such; aka “common bootlicker” and “house buttkisser”–all are on the least danger of extinction list)
- Zoner (this guy goes around using sports cliches as workplace metaphors. We got one, and I really hope to hear this prick ask me “Are you in the zone yet?” on my last day. Dunno what I’ll say, but it will be memorable).
And yours….
I consider the clip “dope” in a good way, as we used to say, long long ago…
Leila
literally stories 
Hi Leila
Places Iv’e worked have always been loaded with dopes. It’s not the work as much as navigating this dope mine field.
Geek may be reverting back to its chicken head in the teeth connotation with the richest man in the world fulfilling this vacancy.
Free ranging dopes are for sure on the street and in the houses and apartments looking out, down and up from their doping-autocracies. They ride lawn mowers at night and light off M-80s and finger blowing-off rockets for any kind of celebration that goes on until after midnight.
The list can go on–I think you have opened up a can of comments on this one that may never end. And wouldn’t that be fun!
Christopher
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Christopher
Ha! I went to jr high school with a dope who blew off the tips of two fingers with a bunch of M 80’s.
Although dopes go by many names they usually fall under a few categories: tattlers; braggarts and good old fashion stupid.
Thank you for coming by!
Leila
(You’re right, if Chicken biting was the only avaible method for Musk to get attention, I think he would do it.)
LikeLiked by 1 person
For sure! There’s always some finger-less fireworks fool throwing another skid on the fire. Saying “Pass that bottle, dude!”
LikeLiked by 1 person
I recognised so many of these some with amusement and others with less than harmonious thoughts. The Orange being over your side of the pond must be the head Dope surely these days but by gum he’s got some close runners up. Entertaining and amusing post as always. Thank you – dd
LikeLiked by 2 people
Oh yes the chunky Sunkist One has legions. I have at least four about work who are really nice enough, but I never discuss politics, guns or immigration with them. Actually, I don’t discuss those much at all, but some hit big on the dope radar.
Thank you!
Leila
LikeLike
Thanks, Leila. Tosser/Tosspot is another UK classic. My dad’s favourite (at least, his favourite in front of the family) was Twerp. I’ve wondered why some antique terms of abuse have fallen out of everyday use – I reckon buffoon and dullard could both be usefully re-introduced.
Mick
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Mick
Twerp is a classic. Just to sound of it infers no good. Oh, yes, fathers and grandfathers have their own dicionaries.
Thank you!
Leila
LikeLike
and let’s hear it for nincompoop
LikeLiked by 1 person
I like ninny as well. I have always assumed it is the short version
LikeLike
Good post and a great list. I’d add the Answer Machine (aka Know-It-All). At the opposite end of that spectrum is Shrugee, who can only shrug his shoulders when asked to commit to anything. My most disliked were the ones who didn’t return my phone calls and e-mails. I have a name for them, but it’s too vulgar to put here.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you David
Ah, the dead email people. Yes vulgar is all they deserve! And the “beats me” “I dunno” types are begging for punches.
Thank you!
Leila
LikeLiked by 1 person
Leila
I’m not sure, but I think in the USA world before 1980, there used to be “good” bosses and “bad” bosses. Now I think there’s only one category, bad bosses, and THANKS for taking revenge on all these dopes with your keyboard! It’s a refreshing blast of cleansing wind aimed in the right direction, and your high ability with words and terms makes it all extremely relevant and makes one feel justified. Your ability at capturing the way the mind works under pressure, with humor, like the revenge fantasies that fly into one’s mind while dealing with dopes, could not be outdone by Sigmund Freud himself. I don’t know how many times I’ve beaten the crap out of various bosses in my mind while never raising a hand to any man nor woman.
Also, THANKS for that song! This is a song I’d never heard of. The singer is an absolute knock-out! Wow!
I always used to mutter these words at bad bosses (after they’d left the room), “lackey, sycophant, stooge,” thereby reminding myself that all these folks who think they’re in charge of others are slavishly serving THE SYSTEM in their own ways and for their own ends and means, no more free, and probably less free in many ways, than the peons they look down upon and order around. We need look no further than our less-than-noble Vice President for the epitome of LACKEY, SYCOPHANT, and STOOGE. I wish the ULTIMATE GEEK would go back to South Africa but then again I wouldn’t wish his ridiculously evil and drug-fueled, cartoonishly manic self on anyone. The USA is Victor Frankenstein and we have created this Monster! Blessedly, we’re also great at creating GREAT WRITERS like you!!
Thanks again, Leila!
You make it all worth it!
Dale
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Dale
Oh indeed bosses cause more adult under the breath muttering than all the homework assigned in all the middle schools.
I finally broke once on one. Told her the only time you see me is when you think I did something wrong.
Lots of people are not qualified to be managers in any sense.
And it is sad that one guy, not a good one either, should control that much wealth.
Thank you again for your always great comments!
Leila
LikeLike
PS
Leila
For some reason I want to quote here what Woody Guthrie famously wrote upon his guitar. Not only is this timely, it’s hilarious, true, and brilliant.
“THIS MACHINE KILLS FASCISTS.”
Dale
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you again!
Just recalled the singer in the clip has Dale for her first name. She used to work with Zappa.
Leila
LikeLike
She’s gorgeous and she has a cool first name!! And the lyrics to that song are awesome, prophetic almost!
D
LikeLiked by 1 person
Cliche proclaimer (day and age). Sorry, the big red one (see Kingdom Collapse) made me do it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Doug
I have known a few who speak in cliches. Usually at “meetings.” Lots of Bulls taken by the horns and such.
But it is interesting how a cliche can outgrow its original form. Nowadays I have heard “have a nice day” sound a lot like “kiss my ass.”
It is a wicked world.
Leila
LikeLike
I hear this as a volunteer in local Tryon Park “Thanks for all that you do” when I’d rather hear “Holy crap you look great” (flattery gets you somewhere even the most ridiculous lies).
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ve known some meetings that concluded on a note of “agreeance”, god help us. But long time, praise be, since I’ve heard anyone talk of “meshing”, as in let’s go over there &, like, mesh. Much less in use too is ‘geek-chic’, its usage likely to decrease even further with the rise & rise of he-whose-name-sounds-like-an-aftershave. Your list of terms, however, is such as could do with an INCREASE in usage – Jabberjaw Blabbermaw, Excrementalist & Septic Tongue being a Top 3. And as you say, Leila, dopes “not excluding the possibility of fools on drugs”. Or the kind who, whether on drugs or not, like to project an aura of street-cred by using slang designed to suggest their familiarity with the Seriously Dodgy, the kind who like to call the tobacco they’ve just bought at the supermarket ‘burn’, a name they suppose redolent of jail hint-hint. Forgivable in the young, not so in the middle-aged.
Should your essays, stories ever get between book covers I’d be among the first to order a copy or three; the free reads in LS archive are great, but can’t be wrapped up & given as gifts. There be many a soul in the doldrums could do with the sheer oomph that goes with reading your stuff.
Geraint
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Geraint
Agreeance! That’s a new one on me! So corporate that you can see its trademark.
You are kind. I used to want to get rich doing this–or at least make a living. But I think that is rare and probably involves being in the right place at the right time. Most good writers (like yourself, and most everyone on the site) are underseen. It’s a shame, but I honestly believe (without spirituality in it) if something is meant to happen, it will. So the best we can do is our best and not worry too much about the rest of it.
My thanks as always!
Leila
LikeLike
I think that agreeance has been documented to have been used three times.
Since someone started this:
Walk it back for lies and mistakes, but not for exercise
Optics (is not the science)
End of the day (if not a time)
Any noun or anything but a time “is when” or “is where”
“Ask” for request (noun)
Any and all of the nouning of verbs and verbing of nouns
“Weaponize” and any of the other wayward Izes a sign for me to quit reading. As a wise woman said the real ize is fertilize
incent or incentivize – I just made my eyes bleed
Mr. Mirth
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you Doug
Those are excellent example why corporate managers should not be allowed to breed.
I remembered the word “strumpet” the other day, perhaps last used during the Harding administration. It could come back and be useful, given the Orange one’s surname. Yet to look it up but I think it “meant” a lady of loose morals, who dared show a bit too much ankle.
Leila
LikeLike
Usually, an asshole is an important terminus. but I see your point. I easily fell prey to your workplace Dopes, knowing I’m not one. At least not anymore. But ‘Fecalskull’ seems too precious to give up.
Leila!!!!!!! — Gerry
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hi Gerry
Thank you! I have high hopes for Fecalskull.sticking in the public mind as a sophisticated alternative to the coarse “shithead,” maybe even becoming something the kids can say around grandma.
Thank you as always!
Leila
LikeLike
Hi Leila,
Brilliant as usual!!
We have quite a few words for a Dope:
Brammer / Belter / Bellend / Walloper / Ticket / Twat / Spoon / Bawbag.
I read your A-Z and they were inspired. I’ve no Dope related to add however, here are a couple of Nick-Names of folks I have worked with.
Doo – As in ‘The Doo’ because they always put themselves forward with a declaration of, ‘I’ll do that!’
Jump-Lead – Someone who helps everyone but shows them as they work at a hundred miles an hour.
Firms – A person stupidly loyal to the ‘Company ideal’
Weeist – A youngster who has just left school and started work for the first time.
Cunt – Most bosses. (Although Firms would disagree, The Doo would be looking at their job, this would be the only person that Jump-Lead would refuse to help and Weeist would be sooking on a Farley’s Rusk)
And congratulations on the four years – You have been an inspiration!!!
Hugh
LikeLike
Hello Hugh
Excellent pick up with Jump-Lead. People who do that seem to try to embarrass new people for some reason that lies beyond me. When I meet one (usually tech) I’m at the point when I tell them “Say that in Stupid Fucker,” with a darkness in my eyes that makes them reconsider their attitudes. Unfortunately new folks can’t do such a thing until decades have passed.
And “Firms”–Yes, the perennial scum of the work-a-day world. Tend to be tattlers as well.
Thanks again and thanks for setting the model for how a wrap should go!
Leila
LikeLike
Thank you for your great post, as always, Leila. Absolutely love the A-Z list and shall endeavour to spend the rest of March weaving them into conversation!
LikeLike