Who is the greatest writer ever?
Is that a loaded question?
Literally snobs will come up with the usual suspects that I’ll not mention. I can’t really as there are very few of the so called classics that I have read.
I will get back to this but I need to say that I hate children. They annoy me. Their laugh doesn’t fill me with joy. Their illnesses (Possibly not the serious ones) doesn’t make me want to cuddle and protect. A toddler with a cold is like a very distasteful Jelly Doughnut. I hate their selfishness and I more than that hate their fucking idiot parents.
However, going back to my initial question, any writer who tickles into a kid’s imagination, I tip my hat to. Roald Dahl, J.K and Enid Blyton should always be revered. I think old Enid took the game ‘Hide And See.’ a wee tad too seriously!!
…Wait a minute, I think I have mixed up Enid with Agatha!!!
That reminds me of the darkest, sickest and hilarious segment in the brilliant ‘Gremlins’ when Phoebe Cates was explaining why she hated Christmas…Her dad had climbed down the Chimney as Santa to surprise her but died doing so!
I read many of those author’s books as a kid. I would hate for them to be ‘woked’ (If that’s a word) now-a-days. All of them should be left alone. Even further back with the likes of Grimm’s and Aesop should never be tampered with. Folks would say that we are not of those times and that is correct, but they were written at a time when the ‘values’ and circumstances were something that we should try and understand, never ignore. And as always, all they are are stories. To be enjoyed and if you want to teach your kid what a wry smile means, then by all means, do so!!
For all our American/ Canadian friends who have the sense not to give a fuck, the European Championship is on. We got humped yet again. The Germans gave us a lesson, we punched above our weight and got a draw with the Swiss and it was a given that the Hungarians would beat us.
My wee brilliant mad nephew has been over in Germany for the last twenty odd days and I would love to have seen us getting through if only for Rikki but he wouldn’t have been home yet… I could imagine the scenario if we ever got to the final…’Uncle Hugh, I saw Scotland play in a final, it was brilliant. On another topic my wife and wee lassie have left me!!’
Maybe one of these days there will be a few broken marriages…But probably not in my life-time!!
Okay onto this week’s stories.
We had one newbie, one returner and three well established writers of the site.
As always our initial comments follow.
On Monday we had our only debutante, Chloe Hehir who got us up and running with ‘The Radium Girls’.
‘Harrowing.’
‘Excellent writing!’
‘Poor people have always been disposable in business.’
James Hanna was next up on Tuesday with his impressive twenty second outing for us entitled, ‘Samoa Moa’.
‘This title makes me think of Jason Mamoa – I need to go for a lie down!!’
‘Very well observed.’
‘The silliness carries this brilliantly.’
The backbone of the week was broken by J. Bradley Minnick with his eighth story for us entitled. ‘Nobody Retires, Even After They’re Dead.’
‘Very sad.’
‘The ending was excellent.’
‘This tied itself together.’
On Thursday it was our pleasure to showcase the amazing writer and total gentleman that is Mr Mick Bloor with ‘Buffalo Bill’s Day Out.’
‘The comparison is neatly drawn.’
‘Excellent writing!’
‘I love what Mick can do with words!!’
We ended on Friday with Shoshauna Shy (What a lovely name!!!) and her second story for us which was, ‘Omaha Hold ‘Em’
‘Brilliant ending.’
‘Some depth at the finish.’
‘Good job she caught on before it was too late!’
That’s the round up, weel rounded up.
I keep saying this but folks, no-one is taking us up…Please look at the Sunday feature, the Re-Run and have a go…It all can be put on your writing CV as we will automatically publish what you send!
Come on!! We all strive to see our words in print and this is a shoe-in!!
And for anyone who comments, good on you! And for anyone who doesn’t say ‘Thanks’ to a comment, shame on you!!
To finish I go back to Mr Tam Cowan of ‘The Daily Record’, last week, I think who gave us this belter of a line.
Benedict Cumberbatch has been constipated for a week…No shit Sherlock!
That only works if you have seen or know about the series?? Honestly guys, seek it out, it is beyond brilliant!! What the writers have done with the stories is amazing!!
The episode called ‘The Lying Detective’ with Toby Jones is superb. The writers took their own take on the bastard that was Saville and made it into something that needed to be told. If there is anyone reading this, please have a look. The series from day one is amazing but if you can’t be arsed, watch that one first and hopefully you will be hooked. (Also Steve Coogan was immense as Saville in, well ‘Saville’!! Louie Theroux’s two documentaries are also worth a watch regarding the fucking freak!! Don’t get me started on being part of the establishment!!! Watch them all and even if you ain’t from here, I promise you, you will be disgusted!!!!)
Again, so many songs came into my head this week but in honour of young Rikki, I need to go a bit Scottish…Oh and I will never do the ‘Proclaimers’ in so many ways!!! I’m probably one of a few Scottish folks who fucking hate them!!
I love Dougie MacLean’s ‘Caledonia’ but apologies to the writer, I adore Frankie Millers voice, so that’s where I’m going!!
Eat some shortbread, drink some Talisker (A nod to you Diane) and listen to this very loud. If there is any Scottishness in you you will want to march somewhere with a Claymore stabbing people…But for fuck sake, don’t pick up a fitbaw as you’ll get fucked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Image: Football in the scottish flat colours hurtling into a football goal – google images.
literally stories 
Hello Hugh
As always an inspired post! I remember in the 90’s every stinking celebrity wrote a children’s book–even Madonna, the “author” of Sex. It was though there was not enough bad writing in the world. Then again maybe the nannies who actually raised their “unwanted issue” (to quote the great Richard III) ghost wrote them. I really cannot imagine myself wanting to read the literary primer stylings of Tom Hanks.
I bet the Scots could kick the USA’s butts. For thirty years the men have under performed whenever possible and are second class citizens compared to the women’s team.
Leila
LikeLike
Hi Leila,
Thanks as always!
I started sending work away in the late 1990’s and I think it was due to wee JK that so many publishing firms wouldn’t accept any children’s books as everyone and their mother (See what I did there) were submitting those types of stories.
Celebrity writers, well, fuck! That’s all I can say!!
Don’t know if you have ever read Zusak’s ‘The Book Thief’?? I read it and never realised that it was done as a kid’s book…That was clever, if you didn’t know that, you look at it a totally different way and when you do, you separate your thoughts.
Tom Wanks writing?? I take it he would buy every Thesaurus in the world to look up the word ‘Sincere’!!
HAH!! You made me look – Scotland has beat the USA twice drawn three times and lost twice – Not the best of records for either of them!!!!!
All the very best!!!!
Hugh
LikeLike
Another good Saturday post and story roundup. Thanks for the tip about The Lying Detective. Toby Jones is good in everything he does. The Dectectorists is one of our favorites.
LikeLike
Hi Dave,
Thanks so much for your time and comments.
I can’t sing the praises of that ‘Sherlock’ series enough, it is superb.
Regarding Toby Jones, he was in a weird wee film that was a bit of a compilation called ‘Tale Of Tales’ – He played a king who nurtured a flea until it became huge!
I don’t know anything about ‘The Detectorists’ but will seek it out.
All the very best my fine friend.
Hugh
LikeLiked by 1 person
Absolutely agree about leaving the old books alone. Rudyard Kipling was undoubtably racist by today’s standards but we should just be glad that we have become more enlightened and not punish others for living in their own time. I’d rather read something from ‘before’ than the stuff that celebrities churn out. It really is annoying when they become best sellers just because of the author’s name.
I’m not a big football fan I prefer the strange shaped ball but I was very impressed by the scottish fans who seemed to behave well and actually brought some fun to the thing with their pipes and drums. It’s rather fitting that they marched to battle in the old way!
Great post – thanks – Diane
LikeLike
Hi Diane,
In a way I can’t blame the celebrities for increasing their bank balance…Who wouldn’t? But the fuckwits that buy the books, well they’re another matter!!
And yep, we are spectacular as supporters, pity we aren’t as good as a team!
Thanks as always!
Hugh
LikeLike
Hugh
Nothing in there about basketball or Amercan perverts, so I didn’t follow much. I’ve heard of Saville. Please excuse my lack of knowledge about the other side of the Atlantic.
Good round up of stories.
Mr. Mirth
LikeLike
Hi Doug,
I need to start watching Basketball, I loved playing it as a teenager. I wasn’t too bad but at only 6 feet, I was a midget. I worked with a kid a year or so back who was 6’8” and he was in The Scottish volleyball team. I cricked my neck every time I spoke to him!!
When it all came out about saville, there were jokes galore but I remember saying to Gwen, ‘We are probably finding out about one of the sickest bastards in history’, I wasn’t far off.
Thanks as always my individual friend!!
Hugh
LikeLike
Great post, Hugh. Gotta (respectfully) add Richmal Crompton to that list of children’s authors. As a little lad in the children’s section of the local Carnegie library, I thought you chose books by their title. I picked her book, ‘William the Conqueror,’ thinking it would be all about battles, discovered it was all about the comic/heroic misadventures of kids my age, and never looked back. Been hooked on books ever since.
And Frankie Miller’s version of Caledonia is surely the greatest. But a wee further mention for the singer/composer, Dougie MacLean: still touring after 50 years, still lives in his native Perthshire, and is a local hero. So congratulations to Dougie for 50 years of songs auld and new.
LikeLike
Hi Mick,
Your comment made me realise I had forgotten about ‘TinTin’, ‘Asterix The Gaul’ and ‘The Hardy Boys’!!
Fifty years of songs should always be applauded! I do like his original version but Frankie got me hooked with ‘Darlin” and also ‘When I’m Away From You’
I loved all the Peter McDougal’s plays and I think ‘Just A Boy’s Game’ was the first time I was aware of Frankie Miller. (That was one of the series of ‘The Elephants Graveyard’, ‘Just Another Saturday’ and ‘Down Amongst The Big Boys’ – Every one of them brilliant!!)
Thanks as always my fine friend.
Hugh
LikeLike
Great post Hugh. Totally agree – leave yesterday’s works as they were. It’s history. I have my grandma’s original “Kenya Cookery Book”. It was written as a cook book but also included tips to help new colonial women deal with the household. It’s hilarious to think that some British ex-pat thought speaking to anyone in such a derogatory manner would be helpful. Bless them. I never once heard my grandma, let alone my mum, speak to anyone like that. For that reason, it continues to be an excellent source of entertainment. As is ‘How to be a Good Wife’ from the “Home Economics High School Text Book, 1954.”
LikeLike
Hi Karen,
Thanks so much for your time and comments.
If any cook-book has a wonderful Eve’s Pudding recipe, we should ignore the rest of the content!!!
And, ‘How To Be A Good Wife’ should be on the same shelf as ‘How To Be A Shit Husband’!!!!
It’s great to see you around the site!!
Stay happy, healthy and inspired!!!
Hugh
LikeLike
Dear Hugh,
Thanks for a very thought-provoking post.
I just want to throw a word out there for two of my favorite children’s/young adult authors: two writers from the 19th century who are still very much alive: Lewis Carroll and Mark Twain.
Carroll’s two “Alice” books are still inspiring great movie versions. And these books are alive in other ways, including in the American media, where the phrase “down the rabbit hole” is repeated so often it’s probably become a top-ten cliche. Also Carroll’s influence on rock and rollers: everyone from The Beatles to Jimi Hendrix to Patti Smith to Bob Dylan to Nick Cave to David Bowie, Jerry Garcia, Lou Reed, and Grace Slick. (And the current rise of psychedelics in America.) Carroll’s two Alice books also powerfully warn against the horrible rise of dictators and authoritarians: in the classroom, or in the wider world. And so far as I can tell, these two books are somehow, almost miraculously, devoid of any shadow of racism, even for their own time. Carroll’s personal life remains a mystery. But everyone agrees he died a virgin at the age of 65.
The other writer is Mark Twain and “Huckleberry Finn.” While this book is certainly controversial and does contain horrible racism, especially in the second half, the first half also creates the enduring American image of a white boy and a black man sitting naked on a raft together and communing, innocently, in nature, while making a run for freedom. Twain also wrote continuously against Jim Crow, lynching, colonialism and territorial expansion. And in his personal life, he was known to constantly cross the color line with his black male friends in a way that shocked everyone around him.
In the Western world, maybe the greatest writer of all time is whoever wrote the words “In the beginning…” (in Hebrew). Noah’s Ark and the Flood, and the Garden of Eden and the Serpent, are nothing if not children’s stories for all of us; especially today.
Thanks again!
Dale
LikeLike
No, thank you for such a brilliant and informative answer.
I wish you had sent this into our old author feature, if you have any other authors you’d like to write an essay on, our doors are always open!
Thanks again.
Hugh
LikeLike