Week 457 – Fornication Is Even Fucking Better, What Would They Call The Kid And Claude Raines Rocks!

I wanted to write something ironic about writing something ironic.

Ironically fuck all came to me!

…Wait a minute – Did I just do it??

I absolutely hate that phrase for having sex. ‘Did they do it?’

…In the name of fuck!!

What’s wrong with ‘Shag’ or ‘Fuck’??

And don’t get me started with the ‘Make Love’ shite – That’s for those with green eyes and rippling torso’s.

The ‘Let’s make a baby’ is probably worst. If you got pregnant when the ‘dad’ was wearing a gimp mask and had forty three anal beads inserted, would you want to say that was the night that you were making a baby?? If it was, for fuck sake don’t tell the kid, it would be in therapy for years!!

…I digress – Back to the irony. I think we are on safer ground there!

I was having a look for the most ironic things I could find and ironically, nope, probably fortuitously I found these.

– In America, the bible is the most shop-lifted book. (I don’t know why, it isn’t exactly a page turner. Just a manual for white suprematists and serial killers.

– At one time, McDonald’s employees health page advised against them eating McDonald’s. (Any fire chief would suggest that you keep away from that apple thing as it is hotter than lava. I’m sure it has been the reason for many a blaze as the eater of the said pastry must surely spontaneously-combust!

– An anti-cult hotline is now owned by The Church Of Scientology. If you get through tell wee Tom he looks weird and to grow old gracefully. Oh wait, maybe he is sculpturing himself in a Jupiterean! (I know that isn’t a word but it may have to be one day!

– There have been many cases of fire stations burning down. (I hope the dugs were fine. I read somewhere that the reason that Dalmatians were associated with fire-stations was due to the days, when the equipment was pulled by horses. For whatever reason Dalmatians had a calming effect on them. (Whether that is true or not, I like that!)

– There are pilots who are afraid of heights.

– Some dogs have eaten their certificate of obedience.

Irony is fun to write. You can take the reader along and then hit them with a one eighty and go the complete opposite direction. But the thing is, you need to time your reveal perfectly, control the pace and make sure that the irony is not expected but accepted.

HAH! I said it was fun to write but it’s not fucking easy!!

Pace, balance, reveal and control are the things you must have in your writing. The problem is no-one can teach you them, you just have to find them!!

…So another fucking useless tip from me!!

Okay folks onto the stories that we had this week.

We had three new folks a well established friend of the site and our own lovely Leila.

As always our initial comments follow.

On Monday, Leila had her 125^th (I think – Sorry if I got this wrong!!) story for us. What kills me about this figure is not just the figure but most of Leila’s stories rely on her imagination. That’s beyond impressive!

I’ve only been able to rely on my imagination when I’m writing my sick lines for work and that was hard enough to do. (The parrot fever rash was inspired…A red and brown felt-tip pen did the job – The doctor was a locum and was on his 120^th hour working so he was easy to fool. And turning up at the surgery with a strong cup of espresso and two lines of Charlie got me a rather generous script for Tramadol!!)

Anyhow, the amazing Leila got us started with, ‘ From The Files Of The Alone Park Project’.

‘Brilliant delivery and tone.’

‘This has a bit of edge to it.’

‘I enjoyed going back to the magic cemetery.’

Second up was Harrison Kim, who has been showcased on the site a very impressive twenty seven times.

His newest piece was called ‘The Bicycle Man of Carlin HIll’ and it was published on Tuesday.

‘There are a lot of misfits in Harrison’s story world.’

‘Harrison can really put a story across.’

‘This was an easy acceptance for me.’

On Wednesday we had our first new writer, Maggie Nerz Iribarne.

To all our new writers, we extend them a heart-felt warm welcome and hope that they continue to send us their work.

Back to Maggie’s story. ‘Things You Shouldn’t Say To Your Mother With Dementia.’ was our offering on Tuesday.

‘Very well written.’

‘The caregiver guilt was well done.’

‘This is quite dark.’

And after Wednesday that brought us onto Thursday. (Unless the world has ended…We can but hope – Fuck you and your good intentions Greta!! Just marry David and be done with it! You’ll have very frowny children, well, with his wrinkles and your persona the wee souls haven’t a chance of being smooth!! And if they hit twenty they will die in an overheated and very fucked up world – You were right Greta! You were right!!!)

Next up was our second last writer, coincidentally, on our second last day!

‘Loving You’ by Simon Ashton was published on Thursday.

‘Lovely writing.’

‘Looks at the subject with a different eye.’

‘I like that the subject wasn’t touted from either side.’

And we finished off lastly with our last new writer.

There seems to be a theme here!

Lavinia Andrei Jennings first story for us completed the week with ‘The Evening Of The Black Dog.’

‘The complicated idea wins it for me.’

‘This is really well written.’

‘This left me both moved and sad.’

That’s that done and dusted and us all rounded up for another week.

Usual reminders – Please keep commenting, when you start it gets a bit addictive and is better than Crack!

…Well???

We have a couple of Sunday things going – Look back and you will see. Please get involved!

HAH! That line has made me think on a movie which in turn made me think on some obscure movies. I would love to know if any of you have ever seen any of these.

I think every one is a belter and worth seeking out…But I also like Gary Glitter – So maybe I ain’t the best person to recommend anything!!!!

As a nod to Leila, I give you a list of some obscure films. Either add or comment on as you wish.

In no particular order with a hint to why I enjoyed them:

– Cat’s Eye (Stephen King)

– Wedding Belles – ‘Ye baldy wee bastard!’

– State Of Grace – Ed Harris and Gary Oldman!

– Near Dark – Best bar-room horror scene ever!

– The Night That Panicked America. When I saw this, this was the first time that I learned about that broadcast – I pished myself!!!

– Identity – Best multiple-personality film ever!!

– Primal Fear Richard Gere taken for a mug! And what a debut by Edward Norton!!!

– Sleepers – An absolute cracking adaptation from the book.

– The Mystery Of Edwin Drood – A take on the unfinished Dickens novel.

– Love Honour And Obey – This film is worth it for Ray Winstone and the ‘Fixxxx Bayonets’ line alone!

Since I’m thinking on things that make me happy I leave you with this.

I think this is the best version but I adore Etta James and she is also brilliant.

However, I reckon this lady was the first one I heard, so I’ll go with this.

Hugh

Image – The Parrot that infected Hugh, not – from Pixabay.com