Week 441-Egg Mayonnaise To Mourn To, Mary’s Flying Baby And I Loved His Wee Trike.

If I was to believe the stereotypes on TV I’d be very jealous of the Americans. You see, most times I have watched anything from a Comedy to a Thriller, most Americans are portrayed as hard working folks who strive to be the best at their work and are never happiest until they are happy at work.

I’m sure there are folks like that or as I call them ‘Could be killed on a Monday morning!’ but I honestly don’t think that any stereotype is the norm – There are too many off-shoots.

However, I do want to tell you a couple of true stories regarding meanness which us Scottish people get labelled with. Now for the record, there are two traits that I would be horrified to be associated with – One is being tight as a jucks arse. I think that is why I have no fucking money! As I am typing this, I’m happy to say that I have taken out a second mortgage to go and buy a few things at the local farmers market. From there I will head into the pub, stand my round, get pished and probably give away all the tasty treats I have bought from the market! (Except the magic beans – Those babies are mine!)

The second trait which really has nothing to do with this posting is being accused of not pulling my weight at work. That is why I have a twisted spine and two fucked knees. Even with those, I can out-work most of the under-twenty fives. The only guy that makes me tired watching him, is actually a year older than me!

Back to the meanness. I really do wish these people weren’t Scottish but Alas! (I don’t know why I capitalised that!)

I have three examples. Thankfully, all of these happened donkey’s years back!

There was an old gentleman who put his trousers in the twin tub (Gives you an idea of time!) and as he threw them in a shilling fell out of the turn-ups of his trousers. He reckoned, that when he was in the pub, it had fell out of his hand and into his trousers. From that day, he always wore turn-ups.

One fellow who was in a kitty with a whole load of guys who could drink like fuck took umbrage when he couldn’t keep up and was refused a refund from the kitty as he had to go onto half-pints.

And I’ve kept the best to last – An old lady, who had just lost her husband – Well she hadn’t lost him as he was still in the bedroom, insisted that her sister made all her family who had came around to be with her a cup of tea and for her to use her husband’s piece which was in his work satchel under the very bed he lay dead on.

That is bad enough but coincidentally, when the Insurance Man (More time hints) came to collect her weekly policy money and saw what had happened, tried to excuse himself – But the game old bird was having none of it, she wanted to make sure that she had paid right up to date!

I need to explain why I have subjected you to all this shite. And before that I need to explain that my mind works in weird ways. I can go off on a few tangents before I settle down to something.

The American stereotype really did start with me wondering what films / TV shows I’d love to see again but couldn’t find.

I thought on three and all were AMERICAN. ‘The Dark Secret Of Harvest Home’ (I think that was what it was called. Must have been one of the last things that the legendary Bette Davis did)

‘Soap – Pure hysterical madness! I did start watching this on YouTube but the quality is shite.

And ‘The Legend Of Lizzie Borden.’ starring Elizabeth Montgomerie.

The one scene where her father (Some guy who looks a bit like Fritz Weaver) insisted that they didn’t waste the broth as there was nothing wrong with it. (There was – There were Blue-Bottles doing the back-stroke in it – I fucking hate Blue-Bottles) Made me think on, as we say in these here parts of the woods, ‘Tichtness’

So I had American and being mean, that led me to think on Scottish Stereotypes and from all of that came this pile of shite.

Blame the DVD companies for not releasing those three works of brilliance where I could access them!

Okay, onto this week’s stories.

We had a few fledgling writers a total newbie and our own lovely Diane.

As always our initial comments follow.

Before I introduce the first writer, I’d like to explain something. When we accept a story, we always send out a confirmation email and within that there is the option for the writer to have their own Author’s Page. Some folks opt-out, which is fine and dandy, it’s completely up to them. There are others, for whatever reason, don’t get back to us. (Maybe Spam, maybe change of account??)

The reason that I mention this is there could be a few of our writers who don’t realise that they have been on the site.

Rick Sherman is one of those writers.

But no matter, it was an absolute privilege to see his story, ‘The Zen Master And The Genie’ get us up and running this week.

‘This story just kept sticking around in my mind.’

‘Perfect pace.’

‘Blissful and lovely.’

On Tuesday Susan DeFelice was showcased for the fifth time with ‘Blue Heat’.

‘A bit unusual but good.’

‘The monologue felt like dialogue.’

‘Some lovely wordage and the sense of sad introspection was quite moving in its way.’

J. Bradley Minnick was next up with his fourth story, ‘A Long Time Between Yesterday and Tomorrow’

‘Brad got his hands dirty here.’

‘There were some neatly made points.’

‘Promises are different from keeping them.’

It was an absolute delight to see Diane dipping her toe into the short-pool for the thirty-third time this week. That number should be a lot higher, but when you consider what else Diane has in her literally fire – That is quite the return!

‘Cause And Effect’ nearly completed the week. (I still refuse to use the pretentious ‘p’ word for before the last!!)

‘Excellent pace.’

‘The description of the awful event was done brilliantly.’

‘The end sentence is really clever.’

Steven French is a true gentleman and has become a very good friend of the site. He finished off the week with ‘Grave Stepping.’

‘Quirky.’

‘Some amusing lines.’

‘The final image is really good.’

I’ve not mentioned Miss Anderson for yonks!

Usual requests – Have a look at any of the Sunday Features. Send us an email if you want to get involved.

And please keep the comments coming!!

Just to finish, I was having a look to see if there were any notable birthdays this week. It saddens me when I do this as I see a lot of bloggers and youtubes and other nonentities that shouldn’t be allowed out their houses without their mammies. But one name did stand out for me and that was Tobin Bell.

Of course he is well known for the Horror Franchaise, ‘Saw’ which spawned a lot of the same ilk. I remember another rather unpleasant film called ‘Would You Rather…’ with Jeffrey Combs, he of the Re-Animator films. Probably the writer of ‘Hostel’ may also have been influenced.

The reason I do mention him was due to his performance in the absolutely brilliant but harrowing ‘Mississippi Burning’ with two legends, Gene Hackman and Willem DaFoe. Mr Bell only had a bit part but he lit up the screen with menace whenever he was in scene.

Actually, all of that cast were at the top of their game and a mention also has to go out to the amazing Frances McDormand. (There was a prequel to it called ‘Murder In Mississippi’ which is also worth a look)

In the name of fuck, as I type all those legends, I just realise that I’ve forgotten all of the YouWankers and Boggers names!!!

Hugh

The music that I have chosen has absolutely nothing to do with anything other than I think it is a belting wee tune that makes me smile.

Image: Egg Mayonnaise sandwiches in a lunch box – Google images. I realise it stretches the truth a little – there’s salad in there and it’s brown bread – still maybe it was a sophisticated Scottish Granny.