Week 415 – Spartans, 65 Days Short Of A Year And 8 Off Of Whatever The Fuck Off Of A Peugeot.

This is week 415 but it is something special for me as I think(??) I’ve reached posting number 300.

Well slap me sideways and call me Susan.

Oh and let’s start where I’ve always been – Fuck off you snowflake cunts, I’m not advocating beating up women. In my life history that would never have happened for two reasons:

1. Respect of the strong and all ladies in my life.

2. Fear of the strong and all ladies in my life.

…I mean, I’m very surprised that I’ve reached Saturday Post number 300!! (I think! I’ve included yearly posts but as is my file, this is number 300)

I thought I might have been dead or dried up talking pish. (Nope!!! That will never happen – Ask Gwen! The talking pish thing is a consistent given – Death will come…Maybe not..I’m meant to suffer!! Some Local Authority Wanker will be telling me when I’m two hundred how much I owe in Community Charge!!)

Anyhow, I thought about typing ‘The Best Of Shug’ but when I looked back, I had a few cracking capital letters and the odd cheeky wee comma but that was about it.

So fuck it, I thought, I’ll do what I normally do and type up some random pish!

I hope I’m not talking out of turn but the main reason that I took this on was that Adam was struggling with sending out rejections and the little interest that we had at the time. The soul took the burden of negativity for a year!

I had a look and my first one was on the 7^th November 2015. Weirdly Diane had two stories (‘You’ve Got Mail’ and ‘If Only’, Fred Foote who I’m sure will reach the century had ‘True Love’ published. We had a one timer, Joseph Novak with ‘Dead Air’ (Where are you Joseph??) and me with ‘The Second Coming’) HAH – Blaspheme is something that I’ve always played around with!

That was what we had to do then, we had to stick our finger in the hole to stop the floodgates of very little sweeping us away. I would like to state that even though we held up the site, there were still no shoe-ins – We still had to be accepted by the majority of the editors. Actually, when I think about it, we had a scoring system then. Eventually, we realised that it would be a lot easier just to say yes or no!!

I’ve always been thick skinned so the negativity didn’t phase me. That was my life growing up!!

My Granny wasn’t a very loving woman! But I hope that when I do send out a rejection I try and inject a wee tad humility into it. I’ll admit that for the first timers it is a standard rejection but if someone comes back to us, I take the time to type something, even if the structure is a bit familiar.

Adam passed on the negativity – But do you know what…I’m happy doing it, not cause I get any pleasure from saying NO! (But I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit there are times, with horrific arrogant submissions, I don’t think ‘Just fuck off!!’) I’m happy to be a part of a process that we all need to go through, learn from and accept!

At time of doing this we have just went through a spell of receiving many a submission. We have just cleared out over forty rejections. I, in my three hundredth post (Have I mentioned that??) would really like to thank all the folks who have a look at the guidelines, the site and take it from there with their initial submission.

The other folks…The ones who don’t bother their arse – Shame on you you discourteous twats – You ain’t doing yourself any favours.

And here’s the thing, it’s not just us. Any site where you send to, you are inclined to be binned immediately.

I was going to take a lead from Leila and type up a couple of lists of the three hundred things that I love and I hate.

I realised something though. If I categorised alcohol as one thing I would fall woefully short with my loves. And when I think on things I hate, three hundred slots are also woefully short. So I have decided to pass on the lists.

…Although it might be fun to type a list of anti-lists, you know the sort of thing, a list where there is only one thing on it.

For example, ‘prince andrew – Good points’

1. His puppet was brilliant in ‘Spitting Image’

…and then we are fucked.

Or The british cabinet and their wealth.

1. It makes them targets for kidnappers.

…and then fucked again.

And finally Justin Bieber.

1.

…Nope! Can’t even think of one good thing about the wee fud!

Okay onto this week’s stories.

We had two returners one guy nearly at double figures and two new folks.

We welcome our first timers, hope that they have fun on the site and more importantly, we want to see more of their work.

As always our initial comments follow.

First up on Monday was Richard Leise for the second time with ‘The Other One’.

‘Very weird.’

‘There’s no way I’d let those kids in!’

‘The line about solving a problem at a different level of thinking on what created it is excellent.’

Tony Osgood is really putting together some cracking stories. He is an exceptional writer.

He was next up on Tuesday with, ‘Keep Dancing.’

‘Tremendous depth.’

‘This might well put the kittens among the birdies.’

‘The way that Tony lets the situation slowly reveal itself is brilliant.’

Our first new person was showcased on Wednesday.

‘The Darkroom‘ by Freya Williams broke the back of the week.

‘Very well done.’

‘Some excellent writing.’

‘Makes your skin crawl.’

And we followed one newbie with another.

David Christopher Johnston had his ‘Bad Elf’ published on Thursday.

‘This is evil!’

‘Very well done.’

‘Makes ‘Bad Santa’ look like Julie Andrews.’

On Friday Todd Mercer returned to the site with ‘The Kid Who Thinks He’s Grown.’

‘Something in this reminds me of ‘The Sultans Of Swing’.

‘Todd writes the odd odd tale!’

‘There is just something about this that makes you think and enjoy!’

Well folks that’s my three hundredth round-up rounded up. (Have I mentioned that previously…I think I may have.)

Okay, I’m just squeezing this in ’cause some prick has annoyed me. Fucking ‘Submission Guidelines’ strike again. I know that I’ve already touched on this but this has just this very second happened.

All I can say is if you are submitting for the first time – Fucking follow them, if you don’t you are gubbed. We try but when things like this happen we get to the stage where we think ‘Sod you this will be a NO!’

Here is an interaction that I have just had.

We received a submission that had no email content, no introduction, no word count, no genre and the story was in the body of the otherwise naked email. How many of you wonderful REAL writers would have ever done that as an introduction????

I sent this as an answer –

Hi ???? (I’ll use Dickwad just for the sake of using a name) could you please have a look at our guidelines and send in as instructed.

We look forward to you getting back to us.

Hugh Cron on behalf of Literally Stories.

The person then sent in a retort –

Hugh:

What would it have taken to include a link to your guidelines?

I’ll pass on any online journal this prissy.  I don’t do well with being “instructed.” Stand on ceremony if you must

I probably should have ignored it but I must admit I was a tad pissed off, so I answered –

Hi (Cuntbubble – Dickwad isn’t strong enough),

Really sorry that you feel that way.

We don’t mean to be prissy and the only reason that we ‘instruct’ is to stop writers wasting their time.

If a writer doesn’t follow a specific site’s guidelines (And they are all different when you take into consideration word count, structure due to system restrictions and genre for example,) all that is liable to happen is their submission won’t be looked at. We all know this through bitter experience as we are all writers in some form. That is why I ‘instructed’ you the way that I did with all good intentions but it is quite apparent that you didn’t take it that way.

I wish you all the luck with your writing career as having the attitude that you have, you will need it.

Hugh Cron on behalf of Literally Stories.

This is the shit that we receive from some idiots that haven’t a courteous or professional bone in their body. They know nothing about the whole process and overall I reckon that they are naive, selfish and arrogant human beings.

But hey-ho! As I said, I shouldn’t have let them get to me.

But the one thing I am proud of / disgusted with is that I didn’t tell them exactly what I thought of them.

Ahhh submissions, they are the hardest part of all this.

Mainly because you can’t grab the twat and pull them over a desk when they need grabbed and pulled over a fucking desk!!

Just before I let you hear some terrible / brilliant music, I’d just like to share my fucking energy bill. It has doubled from this time last year.

Gwen works for the NHS and there has been a forced wage rise of around £80.00 a month (This is still being fought over.)

I love how the government (Net worth of cabinet around ½ billion) states that they can’t afford any pay increases. How the fuck can people afford, even taking that wage rise I’ve mentioned with an additional outlay of double heating cost which for us is around £400 this quarter alone. The mortgage has went up for the fourth time this year which adds another £75.00. And this isn’t even thinking on the price of food or fuel.

What really pisses me off is the five large oil companies have made around £160 billion this year in yet those wank bag friends of theirs in our governments won’t fucking tax them any more as they state ‘The oil industry is volatile’ – Not as volatile as pneumonia or starvation for our old folks or just folks in general!!

I can’t tell you how much I hate the uneven wealth in this fucking world and in a way, I hope I do see the fucking place blow up just to smile as I know what a leveller death and destruction is.

…Oh and also to shaft that Greta fucker. She’ll regret not getting pished, doing drugs and shagging throughout her teenage years like any normal kid, the torn faced wee shit!

So for you Greta, listen to the title of the song and give yourself another ulcer!!

(NB – I can only do three dances – Pogo, Waltz and Gay Gordons so I tip my hat to ‘The Exploited’!!)

Hugh

Image: Original header from Tobias.