Bravado by Hugh Cron

Fuck me Ah’m pished!!

…How much shite can Ah talk tae myself?

Dae ye ken, Ah pride mysel’ oan it!

Ah look at this photo of you ma auld gran and Ah ken Ah can tell you things. Ah fuckin loved ye and ye spoilt me rotten!

Ye ken, Ah talk tae nae cunt unless nae cunt is listening. Maybe Ah talk to the booze! The booze is always there!

Ye used to git oan at me aboot that, didn’t ye?

Hello wee bottle, they Spar bastards had nae litres!

Whit I’m thinkin’ is some fuckers say ‘Throw it at the wa’ and see if it sticks’

Ah wonder whit that means?

Opinion?

Perspective?

Ethos?

Ethos – Fucking hark at me!

You’d be able to tell me whit that meant, you were a right auld cunt fur yer crosswords, weren’t ye!

Ah need a pish.

Fuck me, Ah dribble mair than Ah used tae.

Wonder if my prostate is fucked?

Finger up the erse or death, who’d want tae choose?

Where wis Ah, gran? Oh aye – Ethos…Who fuckin’ knows and who knows what those words mean.

…Wait a minute…Naw, the throw at the wall shite!

Aye, Ah ken, I telt ye Ah wis pished.

The way Ah look at it, if ye write something, it’s permanent but if ye just say it, dis it mean anything mair? Ah think it does. To vocalise, well, tae me, it’s like a contract…A thing in blood.

…Ah don’t say much.

…Well except tae you!

Ah need a hauf.

Jesus fuck am I talking to myself wae bells on! But it’s fair enough as long as Ah ken Ah’m talking to ma self or the auld dear. Dae Ah want a piece an’ cheese – Naw. Might phone oot for a kebab later.

…My fuckin’ life! How the fuck did that turn out for me?

Pretty shite if Ah’m honest.

But better than you as you’re deid.

Nae offence!

Whit Ah said and should Ah said it due to that finality shite.

‘I do’ was a fucking cracker as that bitch didn’t listen to the words before.

Neither did my so-called pal.

‘I’ll always have your back’

Ah wish Ah hud a Jammie Dodger in the hoose. Ah love a Jammie Dodger.

…Ah suppose in a way he did, but that wis him lying on the back of that bitch Ah married as he fucked her.

Her back wis mine for only one year and fourteen days. No that Ah’ve counted.

…And aye, Ah ken, you warned me aboot her. But to be fair, you cannae say fuck aw cause granda’ wis a cunt.

But this isnae about ye, you’re hear to listen.

Seemingly Ah was too distant, not open to ma feelings. And that wis whit made her want fucked by ma pal due to him being more understanding.

Sorry but yer a fuckin’ photo!

Fuck it Ah’ll splash oot and get a Chinky! Maybe the delivery driver will pick up some beer for me if Ah slip him a fiver. Works oot to be fuckin’ dear beer though!

…’Understanding’ my hole – Ah’ve heard that cunt laugh at a wee spastic or whatever you call them noo-a-days.

Remember the auld joke about a no-richter who went to the ice cream van and asked for a cone, ‘Whit flavour?’ the man asked and the pair wee bastard says ‘It disnae matter, Ah’ll drop it anyway.’

Well that ex-friend Peter cunt did laugh at a kid who did drop their cone. And aye, they were broken in some way. But for fuck sake, he pointed and laughed. Cunt!! And he’s noo fucking my wife cause he’s more sensitive than me.

Bastard!!

Fuck the two of them. Ah wonder what he’ll say if she ever prolapses?

…You liked him! So ye cannae slag me aff too much.

Should Ah huv a wee cup o tea?

Will Ah fuck – Another hauf wins the day!!

Ah can feel yer disapproval!

Don’t start. Anither drink wont affect whit is already fucked

…They’re welcome tae each other.

Whit dae ye think gran, Maybe the phrase is about marriage – Throw it at the wall and see if it sticks. Yours didnae neither did mine.

Ah’m noo on the hunt.

Lover?

Companion?

Wife?

Someone to kill??

I’m an awfy cunt…There’s no-way Ah want a wife again!

I’m getting a bit old. ‘Marry late and that’ll be for life’, some wank somewhere said. Pish. Look at me, Ah left it late.

Fuck me…It used to be you bought a lady a cocktail and before you offered her a second you’d ask very politely, ‘Dae ye dae a turn?’ and if she said, ‘Aye’ then it was another Black Russian. If it was naw, you were still a gentleman and pointed her in the direction of the nearest taxi rank.

It’s no just that. The sex is a problem now-a-days. Wimen want to be satisfied. Fuck me sideways!! I prefer the way it wis when they thought that if you wanted to fuck them, you loved them. Memories…Ah got ma baws emptied so many times with a simple ‘Of course I love you sweetheart!’

Is that how that auld bastard got you?

Naw Indian, Ah could definitely go a Baji!

…The bints aren’t so fucking gullible now.

Ah could always pay for it but I fucking grudge that. And also, Ah need to budget for the Viagra! Maybe I should just cut my losses, wank a soft cock and be done wae them aw.

…Sorry gran.

They’re all cunts anyway.

‘Throw it at the wall and see if it sticks.’

I did that once with ma heart.

She broke it.

Hoor!

Ah kent you’d agree!!

I fuckin’ miss her.

Hugh Cron

Image: Google images