Fuck me Ah’m pished!!
…How much shite can Ah talk tae myself?
Dae ye ken, Ah pride mysel’ oan it!
Ah look at this photo of you ma auld gran and Ah ken Ah can tell you things. Ah fuckin loved ye and ye spoilt me rotten!
Ye ken, Ah talk tae nae cunt unless nae cunt is listening. Maybe Ah talk to the booze! The booze is always there!
Ye used to git oan at me aboot that, didn’t ye?
Hello wee bottle, they Spar bastards had nae litres!
Whit I’m thinkin’ is some fuckers say ‘Throw it at the wa’ and see if it sticks’
Ah wonder whit that means?
Ethos – Fucking hark at me!
You’d be able to tell me whit that meant, you were a right auld cunt fur yer crosswords, weren’t ye!
Ah need a pish.
Fuck me, Ah dribble mair than Ah used tae.
Wonder if my prostate is fucked?
Finger up the erse or death, who’d want tae choose?
Where wis Ah, gran? Oh aye – Ethos…Who fuckin’ knows and who knows what those words mean.
…Wait a minute…Naw, the throw at the wall shite!
Aye, Ah ken, I telt ye Ah wis pished.
The way Ah look at it, if ye write something, it’s permanent but if ye just say it, dis it mean anything mair? Ah think it does. To vocalise, well, tae me, it’s like a contract…A thing in blood.
…Ah don’t say much.
…Well except tae you!
Ah need a hauf.
Jesus fuck am I talking to myself wae bells on! But it’s fair enough as long as Ah ken Ah’m talking to ma self or the auld dear. Dae Ah want a piece an’ cheese – Naw. Might phone oot for a kebab later.
…My fuckin’ life! How the fuck did that turn out for me?
Pretty shite if Ah’m honest.
But better than you as you’re deid.
Whit Ah said and should Ah said it due to that finality shite.
‘I do’ was a fucking cracker as that bitch didn’t listen to the words before.
Neither did my so-called pal.
‘I’ll always have your back’
Ah wish Ah hud a Jammie Dodger in the hoose. Ah love a Jammie Dodger.
…Ah suppose in a way he did, but that wis him lying on the back of that bitch Ah married as he fucked her.
Her back wis mine for only one year and fourteen days. No that Ah’ve counted.
…And aye, Ah ken, you warned me aboot her. But to be fair, you cannae say fuck aw cause granda’ wis a cunt.
But this isnae about ye, you’re hear to listen.
Seemingly Ah was too distant, not open to ma feelings. And that wis whit made her want fucked by ma pal due to him being more understanding.
Sorry but yer a fuckin’ photo!
Fuck it Ah’ll splash oot and get a Chinky! Maybe the delivery driver will pick up some beer for me if Ah slip him a fiver. Works oot to be fuckin’ dear beer though!
…’Understanding’ my hole – Ah’ve heard that cunt laugh at a wee spastic or whatever you call them noo-a-days.
Remember the auld joke about a no-richter who went to the ice cream van and asked for a cone, ‘Whit flavour?’ the man asked and the pair wee bastard says ‘It disnae matter, Ah’ll drop it anyway.’
Well that ex-friend Peter cunt did laugh at a kid who did drop their cone. And aye, they were broken in some way. But for fuck sake, he pointed and laughed. Cunt!! And he’s noo fucking my wife cause he’s more sensitive than me.
Fuck the two of them. Ah wonder what he’ll say if she ever prolapses?
…You liked him! So ye cannae slag me aff too much.
Should Ah huv a wee cup o tea?
Will Ah fuck – Another hauf wins the day!!
Ah can feel yer disapproval!
Don’t start. Anither drink wont affect whit is already fucked
…They’re welcome tae each other.
Whit dae ye think gran, Maybe the phrase is about marriage – Throw it at the wall and see if it sticks. Yours didnae neither did mine.
Ah’m noo on the hunt.
Someone to kill??
I’m an awfy cunt…There’s no-way Ah want a wife again!
I’m getting a bit old. ‘Marry late and that’ll be for life’, some wank somewhere said. Pish. Look at me, Ah left it late.
Fuck me…It used to be you bought a lady a cocktail and before you offered her a second you’d ask very politely, ‘Dae ye dae a turn?’ and if she said, ‘Aye’ then it was another Black Russian. If it was naw, you were still a gentleman and pointed her in the direction of the nearest taxi rank.
It’s no just that. The sex is a problem now-a-days. Wimen want to be satisfied. Fuck me sideways!! I prefer the way it wis when they thought that if you wanted to fuck them, you loved them. Memories…Ah got ma baws emptied so many times with a simple ‘Of course I love you sweetheart!’
Is that how that auld bastard got you?
Naw Indian, Ah could definitely go a Baji!
…The bints aren’t so fucking gullible now.
Ah could always pay for it but I fucking grudge that. And also, Ah need to budget for the Viagra! Maybe I should just cut my losses, wank a soft cock and be done wae them aw.
They’re all cunts anyway.
‘Throw it at the wall and see if it sticks.’
I did that once with ma heart.
She broke it.
Ah kent you’d agree!!
I fuckin’ miss her.
Image: Google images
12 thoughts on “Bravado by Hugh Cron”
Always a delightful experience watching the little comments and asides slowly develop into the story. And you aren’t afraid to have the guy digress toward consumption, just to circle back and use the food or drink aside as a launch pad for a fresh observation. Oh, I forget the exact meaning of the old phrase “wearing horns,” but this guy sure does, cuckolded by his best friend. “Tha’ a word fer ye. She certainly cock-holded tha one.” Ha!
Another great look into a wounded yet somehow defiant mind.
I was just going to answer Rachel and I saw these.
I don’t know what happened, I had answered all of these but they have disappeared.
I’m struggling to remember what I wrote.
I know that ‘Thanks so much would’ be one thing but what other nonsense was going around in my head is lost for ever.
Doesn’t that sound a bit dramatic!!
Love your Scottishism!- You’ll be giving Mr Welsh a run for his money!!!
Masterful in all ways (and I’m surprised I was actually able to understand most of it, despite my American disadvantage). This was a really great read, thanks Hugh!
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Hi Shawn, please see the first part of my reply to Leila as it also applies to you.
I’ve always struggled when and when not to write colloquially. There is a fine line in making the story accessible against losing the anger and humour that comes from a dialect.
To be fair, I normally rely on Diane and Leila. If their English and American ear can get through it, then I know that others will manage.
Thanks again my fine friend.
A poignant story emerges from the drunken self-dialogue. By the end, the reader (at least this one) has empathy and sympathy for the guy and the final phrase packs a punch. I enjoyed the vernacular. It was practically musical to my American ears.
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Same for you – Please see the first part of my reply to Leila.
I’ve always said that I’m shite at titles but I think this one was apt and I do think that you end up feeling a bit sorry for him, as long as he is being honest with himself but that is another matter.
Stay happy and inspired my fine friend.
This story reminds me that we empaths can feel sympathetic for just about anyone. Poor guy doesn’t even have a drinking buddy.. .except, as the story says, the booze. We feel sorry for the guy, we get right into his head because of the way the story is constructed through dialogue – but we know the story is much bigger and more complex than his narrative.
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A very interesting comment and I wonder how truthful he is being. The easiest person to lie to is your self.
Thanks as always for your time and comment, it’s much appreciated!
Hope all is well with you and yours.
Absolutely great as always – gorgeously irreverent, bold, unapologetic writing with more edge to it than the Dover cliffs! Love it. Beyond the bawdiness real affection comes through though and in a genuinely moving way. I honestly think only the Scottish accent can make the word ‘cunt’ so endearing.
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Thanks as always my fine friend!!
When we use profanity, it can be used to express every emotion and sometimes them all together.
It is also used for a very simple reason and that is to tell who is listening that there is another word coming!!!
Stay happy and inspired!
Great story. I enjoyed how at first I was lost but the story flowed so well that I couldn’t stop reading.
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Hi Rachel, thanks so much for your kind comment.
It is worrying when writing slang as you don’t know if it will be fully understood. So I’m delighted that you said you kept reading!!
It’s great to see you about the site.