“Fuck me, you’re looking rough!”
“Thanks very much! Pour us a hauf and get me a can of lager.”
“What did your last slave die of?”
“Questioning seniority!”
“Questioning seniority, questioning seniority, that’s all I get from you, you prick!”
“Shut it and give me the beer!”
“Okay, ‘fess up. Why are you as rough as a badgers arse?”
“I was on a twelve hour bender and that caused problems.”
“Aye you got the thirst.”
“Not just that, there were other consequences.”
“Like what?”
“Well, I learnt never to go down on a lady of a certain age with hormonal issues…Especially when you have a thirst from an all-dayer!
…You know how the properties of Velcro work?”
“…Yes.”
“Well I think the same principles applied. I was stuck there until she had the idea to put on a George Clooney film.”
“Which one?”
“Dust till Dawn.”
“Don’t you mean Dusk.”
“I know what I fucking mean!”
“Oh shit! I can’t believe I was that slow!
…Weird that though.
‘What?’
“I didn’t have your mother down as a Clooney fan!”
“Cunt!”
“Are you going to Cambodia this year?”
“No. I’m given it up.”
“Why?”
“Guilt then conscience…Guilt for going, conscience when I’m back.”
“We have a remedy for that. A sort of get out of arse card.”
“I know.”
“So let me guess, the real reason is you can’t wing another expenses trip!”
“…Aye! The bastards have warned me. I’m so sad!”
“Do you want another whisky?”
“Depends on whose turn it is to take Mass.”
“It’s you.”
“Fuck! Then of course I want a whisky, make it a double. I can’t be fucked with anyone this early in the morning.”
“You never told me why you were on a bender?”
“The wake. Old Tom MacLeod’s.”
“Oh aye – How’s his wife?”
“I told you – Hormonal.”
“…You dirty bastard! How could you?”
“I nearly couldn’t, as I said, Clooney had to turn on the tap.”
“Jesus fuck – You should write your memoires one day. I’ve even got a title.”
“What’s that then?
“Kissing Rings – Moving On Up”
“Bastard!!
…Actually that works!
So I’ve got to listen to shite hymns and talk a lot garbage and listen to some inane confessions. But to be truthful, I’m glad of the boring ones, the last time that I got a fruity one I nearly got caught! We need a new joiner to make those boxes more sturdy, one bit of movement and the whole fucking thing rocks. I couldn’t even get my zip down.
…Get us another drink, I’ve still got ten minutes. In fact, I’ll get it. I need to see if I can focus.”
“Well thanks very much, I’m honoured that your seniority is able to reach forward and pour out a drink!”
“Don’t push it!
…Anyway, what about you, what are you up to today?”
“I said I’d pop in and see Jim and Helen, she’s out the hospital with their new born. They want to discuss the Baptism.”
“That’s nice, what’s it called?”
“Fucked if I know. If it takes after it’s parents they should call it Hackitt. They’re no a pair of lookers.”
“That’s a bit steep.”
“Is it fuck, you’ve seen them. They’re idea of double protection is a bag each over their heads. The less they see, the hornier they become. So win win for Catholicism.”
“What are you going to suggest?”
“Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder as God Parents for a start.”
“Very funny! I mean money wise.”
“Oh the usual, we need a new heating system donation bollocks. I’ll tell them that they wouldn’t want wee Hackitt to be cold.”
“The classics are the best. Will you get to the do afterwards?”
“You’re fucking right. I’m not looking at those ugly bastards for an hour and a half without getting a sausage roll and a pint.”
“Sod that, if the idiots are asking you for pointers, hit them with the idea of a meal, a brunch at the very least. A few samosas would go down well.”
“…What? You clown, that’s those Indian Pastry things, you’re thinking of Mimosa! Bucks Fizz!”
“Oh aye. Thank fuck! I am getting pissed again!”
“Actually that’s not a bad idea. I’ll double the donation figure that I want and then tell them I’ll only expect half and that way they could have a Brunch for their little darling as a celebration. They’ll be saving money and the Church is making a sacrifice for them. I’ll have them thinking we consider that monster as the Christ Child! How could they refuse?”
“Very fucking easily if they ever find out that only twenty quid is going into Church funds!!”
“What our parishioners don’t know…”
“…Is because God doesn’t tell them!”
“When you do think on it, it’s quite humbling. I sometimes have doubts but when I think on God and what we get away with…”
…“He truly is one of us!”
literally stories 
Hugh–
It is always a squeamish pleasure to run into more of your brutally frank yet in their own right witty and bright characters. Although some of the things they say are like catching a hangnail on a nylon, they never back down or carefully choose their words. The idea of turning “Hackitt” for profit sounds like something the Church would do. Brilliant and delightfully profane.
Leila
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Hi Leila,
Thanks so much!
I’ll take ‘Squeamish pleasure’ and delightfully profane any day!
I will stop writing this kind of thing when those who I base my characters on stop giving me material!
I think on my 150th birthday I’ll write a fantasy called ‘The Pope And The Wee Boy’s Scrotum’ My understanding on the fantasy aspect will be quite fictional.
Hugh
Oh and for any Sensitives out there or their cousins ‘The Enraged’ – I’m not being specific and am talking about the future so all that behaviour may be eradicated by then!!
(As I said – Fantasy!!)
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Waking up on black Friday to discover that the UK borders are once again closed to South Africa and that my planned Christmas with family is pretty much in shreds I needed something with a tone to match my mood and banter to make me laugh and this nailed it. I didn’t see the twist on who the characters were coming at all! Revolting, profane and above all, excellently done.
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You have permission to curse and throw things. Go on – fill your boots
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Pulls no punches. The profanity works, and the dialogue is effective in telling a story that ultimately delivers a knockout blow. Well done.
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Hi Dave,
Thanks as always!
This actually started off as something more serious and my thoughts were all revolved around the guilt line. But to be honest, I wasn’t sure if I could do, not so much that idea justice, but those that suffer so I went another way.
All the very best my fine friend.
Hugh
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Hi Nik,
I’m glad I made you laugh.
But my heart goes out to you regarding your Christmas plans.
It’s going to take a helluva long time before we stop being shafted due to what is happening now!
You know where I am my friend!
Hugh
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I loved this. Punchy, brisk and fun. Refreshing as hell
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Hi Calum (Hope I’m right – If not please accept my apologies!)
I can’t thank you enough for your kind comments!!!
It’s always a buzz when someone takes the time to read and pass on their thoughts.
We all hope to see you around the site as much as possible.
All the writers love a comment!!
Cheers again my fine friend.
Hugh
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Hi Hugh, I love that you conveyed such a clear image with dialogue alone. I could picture the scene perfectly, see the characters. There was something Dickensian about this – caricatures of the grotesque. Loved the last line.
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Hi Jennie,
Praise from your good-self is high praise indeed!!
Regarding last lines – I don’t think you find them…They find you.
There have been a few that I’ve written that have just sort of popped up themselves!
Thank you so much!!!
All the very best!!
Hugh
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