Week 337 – Adult Warning Is All Your Getting, Repeating Like A Radish And Where The Fuck Is A Rip Tide When You Need One.

I find it weird how alike we are and how the same mistakes, attitudes, attempts go from generation to generation.

For example, all babies try to walk on tip-toes first. Either that or they are craving to be taller. And sorry to give a reality check to disillusional parents, it doesn’t mean that your kid is going to be a ballerina. It has more chance of being a crack addict or some form of prostitute.

Teenagers are all annoying pricks who are lucky that they see their twenties.

And all older folks reminisce. Well we’ve fuck all to look forward to!

It’s the same with writers. Most, when starting out make the same mistakes. And we see so much of the same issues.

I think it’s like having a newly promoted boss and they’re all enthusiastic and start every shift with, ‘I’ve got a good idea!’

The answer to that is:

‘Naw you’ve no, you’re doing the same pish that every wank before you has tried and it’s never worked…DOBBER!!

…Just concentrate on meriting your own job, talking a good fight and doing fuck all else like everybody from your level up.’

With those sort of thoughts, I’ve found myself repeating myself (I see the irony!) with a few things that have come up for the umpteenth time over the last few weeks. Maybe I shouldn’t bother but I do think that they are worth revisiting.

If this deters even one new writer from doing any of these, then that can’t be a bad thing.

First off, in my opinion ‘Writing in the style of’ or writing ‘Fan Fiction’ is too close to call.

Okay, I know that stealing some other poor sod’s characters and subjecting them to your own zany antics isn’t quite the same as using a specific style of prose. But I sort of think – Get your fucking own ideas and way of portraying them!

We are all terrified of the ‘P’ word so why are these two styles / genres even here??

I could never copy anyone, not on principal but in laziness. The best forgers in the world are never caught and that is admirable. Not so much when you write about ‘Gary Cotter – Boy Male-Witch’ who goes to school at Bogwarts. You are kidding no-one. So don’t tell us it is in the style of Rowling. And also don’t take old Harry P and place him on a space station somewhere with parallel storylines. Again you are fooling no-one.

As in life – Be an individual. You can’t go far wrong.

…Well unless you are a serial killer but you would need to be either very depraved or inventive as most of what anyone can think of has already been done.

Next up is, I really want to know if writing groups have shares in adverbs. Ninety percent of the time when we receive a submission from someone from a writing group, their work is littered with adverbs. Time and time again the comments ‘Overwritten’ and ‘Too many adverbs’ go hand in hand. If anyone tells you that you are being cleverly (See what I did there) descriptive by using these abominations, ask for your subscription fees / coffee money back.

In Leila’s honour of some audience participation, I’d love to know what you think are the most ridiculous and redundant adverbs.

I’ll give you a start –

Simperingly.

Killingly.

Ickily (Although I do like icky!)

Unabashedly.

But for me the worst is in the following sentence.

James said nothing. He was quiet. Not a peep was muttered. He looked at the painting wordlessly.

In the name of fuck – How else could he say nothing!

I don’t know how many times we’ve read the phrase ‘whispered quietly’

How the fuck else can you whisper? If you whisper loudly you are probably shouting and confused with definition.

Well, this is a more practical posting than my usual nonsense.

Last thing is to warn about our warnings.

Again, this came to light over the last few weeks when a writer started to warn us what warnings were needed or not.

I’m wondering if this is the way that it’s going – Needing to specifically state what the content that needs to be warned about is.

Then maybe a warning would need to be put in about the warning if it says things that makes the wee souls think bad things.

Fuck me!

We normally put things like ‘Bad language’, ‘Adult Content’ or ‘Don’t read if you are liable to be offended.’ (I’ve had all three!’ – Possibly on the same story!!! – I’m so proud)

We’re beginning to think that this warning is even excessive. We are toying with the idea of simply putting ‘Adult Content’ and let the fuckwits complain if they don’t understand what ‘Adult Content’ is.

I watch a lot of films and if I see anything that’ll upset me, I stop watching it. (Any hint of animal cruelty and I bail. And I always check to see if Tom Hanks is killed in a film, if so, I’ll put on the popcorn.)

Now I’m not the brightest but here’s a huge thing – If you stop doing something that you don’t like – It works a treat!!

If you start to read something and it upsets your sensibilities, then stop reading.

Don’t be the prick who complains after they have read something that upsets.

…And trust me signing anything as ‘Outraged’ doesn’t convey strength of feeling, it just makes me piss myself laughing!

Okay onto this week’s stories.

We only had one new writer but the other four have around three hundred stories between them.

Even reading that back is awe inspiring!

First up was a writer who has been a constant feature over the last few months.

Keeping on the theme of repeating myself, I’d like to point out that even though Yash Seyedbagheri has had such a run of stories, this amazing story teller (Like Tom Sheehan) has had a high percentage of refusals.

I just want to let those know who spit out the dummy after a couple of refusals that to get twenty- nine stories on the site, you mustn’t let a dozen or so refusals deter you.

‘Crack‘ was first up on Monday.

‘So Raw’

‘Such a gifted writer!’

‘The Cat’s Eye glasses gave us a hint.’

James Hanna has been around the site since 2016. It’s is a privilege to work with him and to continue to publish work like we did on Tuesday with his ‘Sowbelly Trio’.

‘It all turns in the brilliant interplay of the husband and wife.’

‘The characters were brilliantly visible.’

‘The dialogue was very well done.’

Next up was our lovely fellow editor Leila.

I can’t tell you how much admiration I have for this lady’s imagination and ability to logicalise complexity. Leila’s writing brain is in a league of it’s own!

‘The Cormorant And The Afterlife Coach‘ broke the back of the week.

‘I can’t get past the idea of a power defecation!’

‘This story shows a degree of observation above the normal.’

‘I love Cormorants, I think mainly due to the elephant and bag poem!’

Our new writer was published on Thursday with his first story, ‘About 465nM: A Chronology‘

We welcome Martin Agee, hope he has fun on the site and we are hoping to see much more of his work.

‘Filled with exquisite description.’

‘We’ll always get this type but very few will be as well done!’

‘Lovely description. His thinking is honest.’

And we finished off with our very own legend.

Tom Sheehan has been with us from the very early days and he has continued to send us a staggering body of quality work.

‘Cold Night’s Dark Advances‘ was no exception.

‘Mesmerising!’

‘I enjoyed the blending of thoughts.’

‘Tom at his lyrical best!’

That’s us for another week.

I’ll throw in another plea for comments – It saddens me a wee bit when we take on so many new writers and how few of them even comment once.

Please send us your thoughts. It makes all the difference when we have a day with a dozen or so comments.

And I think our Sunday Re-Run cupboard could do with a few adornments.

Just find an older story that you’ve enjoyed and send us in an introduction or spiel, anything goes. We will publish exactly what you send us and you can even throw a few questions in for the writer.

Warning folks – Really shite link coming up.

I’ve just written about a couple of things that you should do. I’m now going back to my initial point of what you shouldn’t.

The best example EVER of something that you shouldn’t do was this week demonstrated by our prime minister or TOTAL CUNT as he is now known in Scotland (Probably also Wales and Northern England)

I quote:

Thanks to Margaret Thatcher, who closed so many coal mines across the country, we had a big early start and we’re now moving rapidly away from coal altogether.

He laughed when he said this.

If anyone from any nation reading this was asked, ‘Do you think it is appropriate that the leader of your country laughs at a twenty plus percentage decimation of a countries workforce?’ What would you say??

We have whole communities, villages and towns that will never be over what happened then.

The TOTAL CUNT has also stated that he doesn’t want to holiday in Scotland anymore as he nearly drowned here last year. I’m sure that there’s many a descendant of a broken miner who hopes that he returns and will be willing to help him move from nearly to did!

Hugh

Image by Kevin Phillips from Pixabay 

Crass, insensitive and thoughtless. Boris the clown. What an embarrassment that mobile haystack is. Yeah Scots – ‘Send him homeward – ta think again’ Nobody would blame you. Ha – stick him with the pointy end’ (sorry everyone that last bit wa a bit of an in joke) dd