Lee and Harry stood outside their manager’s office. She glowered at them. The music from the communal room was deafening.
“Jesus fuck! Am I not in enough trouble? That’s all I need, Tom and his Gary Glitter infatuation!”
The sound of ‘Rock N Roll Part One’ bellowed around the building.
Janet stormed into the general office. She grabbed a Care Assistant and pushed them out the door.
“Get that turned off. And hide his CDs! The relatives won’t be happy about a paedophile serenading their parents.”
She walked back towards them ranting to herself.
“I must be the only unit manager who has ended up with an eighty year old Gary Glitter fan! Jesus! He can remember he liked the music but can’t accept the kiddie fiddling.
…I quite liked Gary Glitter!
…YOU PAIR OF PRICKS!!!
…The only difference between him and Michael Jackson, is Jackson had more money.
… Oh great Janet, this is a first grade fuck up!
…IF MY PENSION IS FUCKED BECAUSE OF YOU TWO SO HELP ME…”
“Right! In!! Shut the door!”
They both did as she screamed. Janet threw herself down onto her chair. She let them stand.
“You’re a dobber and you’re a fud. It’s always one fucking thing after another with you two! So would someone like to explain to me what happened?”
Janet’s public face had left the building.
Harry spoke, “Well Janet…”
“Not Janet you prick…Mrs Elder!”
“…Mrs Elder, we took the old dears out for a run…At your request.”
She leaned forward, “Don’t even think about it! I’ll get the blame for this no matter what but don’t you even fucking think that you two twats can go there!”
She opened up her desk drawer and looked at her cigarettes.
“What I want to know is why did one of my residents end up ill and her fuck knows how expensive camel hair coat got covered in puke?”
It was Lee’s turn, “We think she got car sick.”
“You think? Really?”
“Well she was sick. I think that we can all agree on that.”
“Don’t be an arse Harry. I’m not in the mood. Lee you are the Care Worker, he is only the driver so you tell me what happened.”
“I didn’t know she got car sick. I was told to pick the most able. I took who I thought were OK. I didn’t have time to ask any of the girls who have been here for a while, the ones that know them like. It was all a bit of a rush. Anyway, everything was going fine, they were all singing then Kitty told me that Alice had been ill.”
“Alice? Alice White whose son is the Councillor.”
“Yes. Anyway, I looked around and she had been sick. I asked Harry to pull over and we got her out the bus. Looking back, I reckon we should have taken some things with us.”
Her face reddened, “Like what?”
“Well, wet wipes, black bags, sanitisers, water that sort of thing.”
“You mean like all the things that you’re supposed to take? The things that are a must?”
“Yes, well we know that now. But we had to make do.”
She held her head in her hands, “Tell me you didn’t clean her off in a puddle.”
“No! Of course not. We used windscreen wash and a chamois.”
Her flaring nostrils gave her expanding eyes somewhere to cuddle, “You used windscreen wash on the eighty-two year old mother of a Councillor!!”
“Well we had to as we’d used the de-icer on her coat. Jesus we had to get rid of the smell. She had tuna sandwiches for lunch.”
Janet threw herself back.
Harry spoke softly, “We are the only ones who know the details. I don’t mean to be cruel but the old dears will already have forgotten that they were out.”
“Oh you are a piece of work! And don’t fucking call them old dears it isn’t fucking respectful!”
Harry continued, “Look as long as we get the coat cleaned then no-one needs to know.”
She began to wonder if they all kept quiet would she be able to keep her job? She could bide her time and get rid of those two twats later.
…“Ok, if I go along with this, you’d better see to the coat. It’s not coming out of the budget.”
Lee brightened up, “We’ve already done that?”
“What, did you take it to the cleaners?”
“Why do that? The girls in the laundry say that they put things through the sluice if there’s been any spill of bodily fluid. Puke is a body fluid so problem solved, it’s sluicing as we speak.”
She began to smile but it wasn’t attractive.
“You’ve put a camel hair coat that is covered in Tuna puke and de-icer through a hundred degrees boil wash?”
They both nodded.
She reached down and lifted the cigarettes. She lit one.
Lee ran over and leaned against the door, “Jesus Janet! You’ll get the sack for that!”
She leaned back and put her feet up on the desk. The music began again.
She took a deep draw, “I know that.”
She began to sing, ‘….They didn’t like my hair, the clothes I loved to wear, they didn’t realise that we were strong enough for twooo, I love you love, you love me true love, I love you love me…’
4 thoughts on “Gary Glitter And The Camel Hair Coat by Hugh Cron Warning- Adult Content”
I don’t know what WordPress has done with my original comment. It got weird on me when I hit post. This has happened before; in the past I’ve written another just to see the original pop in later and make me look ignorant.
Anyway, if it doesn’t come home, I said that your dialogue not only matches the idiom as people do in real life, it also displays the unconscious vocal meter we fall into when conversing. Also said that the failure to do so results in stilted conversations that nobody buys into. Your stuff comes off effortlessly natural, which is great but also comes at the price of you not getting the praise you deserve for making it look effortless.
I dare the original comment to come slinking back. I double dog dare it.
Life on the front lines….fun story, complete with music. I have been party to wild dialogues like this, lucky I was in a union. Middle managers, kind of a thankless job, lucky Mrs. Elder has her cigarettes. Lee and Harry remind me of the two not so bright of the Marx brothers .. dobber and fud. Harry seems a bit brighter “we are the only ones who know the details.” I think Gary Glitter may be in a senior’s residence now himself… actually, I looked it up and it appears that he’s in prison. Not a lot of difference, I guess.
At least they had a good excuse for using windshield washer. A biting and effective satire.
While enjoying the story, I was struck by the title: cracking, reminding me of a sketch from Viz.