Hoping all is well atop the literary world. I told you if I got really bored I would write a story about you but instead of a story– all that you inspired was a tiny little poem. Check it out!
the Sultan Banished me from his Kingdom
The Sultan Banished me from his kingdom
He took away my pens and paper
The Sultan banished me from his kingdom
I broke his rules and he could not abide
He reached for my words and he grabbed for my tongue
but all he got was spit.
The Sultan cried, “off with his head” but it was way too late…
for any of that.
Cause Ruprecht the Rat had chewed through my hat
So that Sultan can just go roll around in Leaves of Grass
… and I cordially invite him to kiss my ass.
–Alfred Klumpner (c) 2016
Keep it real!
PS- I noticed that Eyesocket Express Weeps over Beethoven didn’t make the top 100 list for this year’s top lit-mags. Again. I guess someone’s head is gonna roll, huh?
Somewhat amusing, Alfred, but also extremely juvenile and obnoxious.
Honestly, way too busy to continue future correspondence. Good day to you. A more productive use of your time might be to spend it editing your work (which seems full of a variety of basic grammatical and formatting errors – never good when you’re trying to convince people to pick it up) and targeting places specifically. Knowing what somewhere is looking for and making sure your work is the best it can be is always a more successful strategy than carelessly ‘spreading your seed’. Another free tip – you don’t need to put a copyright notice on your work (look up the Berne Convention). Also, it’s still not 2016. Good luck, but again, please don’t send anything else in future.
You no fun…just like Eyesocket Express blah blah blah which bored me to tears (pun intended) (c) 2016
I’d like to keep jibber-jabbering with you but I’m super busy too–expecting to hear back later today from my friends at
(c)2016 The Olive Garden Explosion ( a top 100 lit-mag btw) about my short story they were super hot on- The Pencil-Pusher.
Alfred Klumpner, very successful writer
Dear Mr. Alfred Klumpner:
Thank you for submitting to The Olive Garden Explosion. We have decided not to publish your piece, “The Pencil Pusher”.
Some Editorial Board comments:
“Just didn’t care for this. Didn’t care for the tone. It came off as annoying more than anything. It made me hate books, writing and literature for a very short moment ”
“I was pretty disengaged to begin with, then I got to “off the hizzy” and was completely done. I didn’t see anything new here. I found the characters annoying. Reading about rich people being rich is boring to me.”
“I think I don’t know millennial speech well enough to understand this story. This one is high on the “yuck factor” for what I could understand…not understanding The Pencil Pusher whatsoever is mostly my main comment” It was also high on the “ugh” and “duh” factor as well.
“I’m not familiar with Mr. Roboskowitz’s work, so I won’t get any specific references to him if there are any here. This reads a bit to me like a modernly-debauched Great Gatsby, in both theme and language. Not my cup of tea, I’m afraid.”
” The characters also felt pretty stock, and unfortunately they came from the stock that doesn’t appeal to me, so I didn’t find any of them sympathetic. (Lifestyles of luxury turn me off, and I just don’t relate to main characters who are id-driven or status-seeking.) The hints of the narrator’s chauvinism turned me off as well (I got a very strong impression that he felt successful men are “interesting people” who participate in narrative events and successful women are hot, beautiful blow-up dolls.”
Best of luck, and please feel free to submit to us again in the future,
J.J. Malone, Associate Editor
The Olive Garden Explosion
Thanks for reading through “The Pencil Pusher”
So psyched that your elite editorial board sees a possible parallel between good old Jay Gatsby and my story’s protagonist Fred Roboskowitz–the pencil pushing playboy.
F. Scott is definitely a big influence along with Fox & Friends–(just kidding!) Never talk sex, politics and literature and what’s this about blow up dolls? who snuck a look in my red room hahaha (Fifty Shades reference! ) Anyhoo! Appreciate the amazing feedback as always. One of these days Alice, I’m gonna hit Olive Garden Explosion right in the kisser with the right piece of fiction–until then. A river douche’
I just submitted some new poems- killer stuff to some hot-shot poetry magazine called The Jellydog Burped up Incandescent Kidney Beans on the Island of Lost Souls. Got a good feeling about this latest batch of word noodlings. Hope all is well in Sherlock-land.
now get it published!!
Re: Your Poetry Submission to The Jellydog
Some notes that I hope will be instructive:
Your poetry is neither particularly appealing or distinguishable. If I were to choose a color for it I would say it is either yellow or orange. You strike me as an aged, alcoholic version of Holden Caulfield…a typical uncool “white guy” devoid of any evaluative ideology or aesthetic style…typical of the timid work usually offered up daily by the paler members of our normative societal structure. I regret that reading your poetry left me with a nauseatingly sour taste in my mouth. In High School I was once forced to read very bad poetry of similar poor quality as the Editor in Chief of our school’s poetry magazine. It almost made me hate poetry forever. Mr. Klumpner, your poetry made me look back on those salad days wistfully. I hope you will take this advice the right way from a person who loves poetry and respects literature. Please go back to painting your attic, watching TV, kicking cans or peeling an apple and leave the writing of poetry to those who know what they are doing.
Kampton Hillman, Poetry Editor, The Jellydog
Header image: Vincent van Gogh [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons