Right! The story is done. A long stand in the pissing rain waiting for that bird. Fecking camera in the fecking phone pish. What twat thought of that? I bet it was some weirdo with an ear fetish!
OK now the easy bit…Oh fuck I do make myself laugh.
Fucking typewriter isn’t centred! Where the fuck is that centre thingey again? I bet it has fucking moved just to piss me off! BASTARD THING!!! Oh there it is.
Ahaa!! I’ve done it, there is a god. Naw there isnae, if there was one, there would be a push this fucking button and you can transport your thoughts into it and it would be done button. How come no smart arse geeky fucker has invented that…Useless virgin bastards.
Right that wee line thing, what the fuck was that again?
FUCK!! Where has the typewriter gone…Why can’t the world just fuck off and die!
Oh, it’s come back and there is that line thing. Now what is it I keep doing? AH FUCK!! Don’t return in the middle of a line. BASTARD SYSTEM! BASTARD COMPUTER! I wonder if I can cut it and then…I’ll come out of it and go back in.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY TITLE? Bastard! Bastard!! Bastard!!! Update you fucking tool!! Care in the community is too good for you! I fucking loathe myself!!!
Where is the fucking Prozac? Where’s ma tommyhawk?
Right start again. Title, name, Adult Content as always. I’ll really need to write something without fucking swearing!
Typewriter, got you, you bastard and end of line, line thingey!! Cooking wae gas!!
Right tabs and that, I can do that.
Moan Shuggy you are on a roll. Right before the difficult bit I’ll just come out and make sure everything is there.
FUCKING FUCKING FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! UPDATE YOU USELESS PIECE OF FLOATING EXCREMENT! FUCKING UPDATE!!! It isn’t difficult!! There are five-year olds that do this!! Is that what you are? Less intelligent than a snottery five-year old? If you had any pride you would kill yourself. Be fucking ironic, beat yourself to death wae this fucking laptop. Ah but no. You wouldnae even be able tae dae that right. You would probably be left a vegetable and when they bathed you they would shout, ‘Anyone’ for cabbage soup?’ And ken what else, irony would fuck you twice! The really ironic thing would be that it would be a computer keeping you alive. It would probably hump you in your sleep…And you would fucking deserve it you useless, idiot-man bastard.
WHERE’S MA BLOWTORCH! THIS FUCKING THING IS CLAIMED!!!!!
Right start again. Title, name, Adult content as always. I’ll really need to write something without fucking swearing! Noo Ah’m repeating myself. I’ve fucking wrote about dementia often enough, I’ve probably got it. Fuck that! That would be a valid reason, I am just an amoeba wae a big tongue.
Right finally. Noo where’s the picture? Ah don’t fucking believe it, I’ve no put it in yoan media thingey. This is not a problem I will minimise this and load it in.
BASTARD!! WHERE THE FUCK HAS IT MINIMISED TO? Ah mean…Right a brandy wae some Prozac this time.
Ah there is the fucker! Image inserted. That was fucking easy. I’m feeling all cocky noo!
Fuck! That didnae last. Link time. Sounds fucking gay!! Right Ah’m going to follow Adam’s instructions. The pair soul must be sick a’ me. Mair patience than a nun’s boyfriend that man. (Helped oot mair times than a nuns candle) Right that seems simple enough. Noo will Ah try to split the screen. Wait ya’ dobber…UPDATE!
Got ye! Fucking ‘Sneaky fuck off and let me ignore it when Ah need it Update button bastard’!!!
Right highlight name, shortcode, nae offence, shortcode, how about irritating the fucking life out of Shug code. Insert link…Gay again…Ah’m sounding homophobic…Insert link…Hetro fuck! UPDATE and as Ah don’t know the date, I won’t schedule. Daen nuthin’ is sumthin’ Ah can dae well!
Fucking breeze! That must be my record…An oor and…a hauf…Well thanks for asking, I don’t mind if Ah dae!
literally stories 
Very funny, Hugh!
“Right Ah’m going to follow Adam’s instructions. The pair soul must be sick a’ me. Mair patience than a nun’s boyfriend that man.” Such a funny line. “Mair patience” sounds Swedish actually. This was very amusing. I laughed out loud even the third time I read this. Great build-up too. Actually, and I’m betting you don’t think so, but the empathy you give us/me/the reader in this really makes the jokes and frustration come across. My favourite conversation piece!
ATVB my friend
Tobias
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Thanks Tobias and I am quite sure that you all know that this is truer that it ever should be!!
All the very best my friend.
Hugh
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Hugh, did anybody ever tell you that YOU ARE SOMETHING ELSE! I really don’t know what we’d do without you! Best, June
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Now June, I hope a lady like yourself had to look up all those swear words!!
My wife Gwen did get a kick out of this as she said that it was the best piece of realism that I have ever written!
Thanks as always.
Hugh
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Hi Hugh, a clearly expressed process of dealing with the website. If nothing else it was comical especially as the machine is mocking you. I know the feeling well, presently I am trying to get Amazon to update my e-pub, so far after a few cycles it still shows the original aaaaaah! (note I didn’t swear -yet)
Thanks for the laugh.
James
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Thanks for that James and I hope that the temptation to swear sorts itself out. I wish you all the best with your endeavours!
Thanks for the comments. Unfortunately I can’t say that this was all fictional!!
Hugh
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The spirit of A. Crowley spoke to me from the astral plane this morning. He told me that Hugh Cron is a fine fellow. He also informed me that my sinning has been of a low quality as of late, and that I should read more highly enjoyable, unrestrained fiction, lest I risk a caning from Nuit. Great, ripping stuff. Good read on a dreary Sunday morning.
Regards,
Irene Allison
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Irene, I must thank you for your unique review on my totally fictitious tantrums! (Ahemm!)
You also made me smile when I read this!!
Thanks so much for your time and comments – Always much appreciated.
Hugh
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I’m so glad you enjoy working on the site Hugh – !!! this was funny – a guilty giggle because that language is bluer than a thing that is very blue indeed – still and all we can probably all identify with this – mayb enot all of it – all at once but all of it some of the time 🙂
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Hi Diane, thank you for sharing my pain! My incompetence is there for everyone to see but my tantrums I face alone!!
Thanks for everything that you have done and helped me with!!
Hugh
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It’s a pleasure to work with you – you make me laugh and also gasp – I reckon your good lady wife must have asbestos ears.
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Hubert Selby Jr’s the room springs to mind. Like taking a long soak in someones brain. Obsessions and anxieties coming in like bullets. A man punching himself in the face with his own wit and self doubts. Also Idiot-man bastard is an epic put down especially in a Scottish accent….
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