Hi there folks, Week 608 is here.
I was just going to type my usual shite – But thanks to Leila’s comment last week (Cheers pal!!!) I thought I’d better put a wee bit of work in since it’s that time of year when folks who hate them have to put up with those wee dressed up fucks who’ll be here to suffer as the world ends. (Glad you had them now you selfish bastards??)
I love horror films – Not splatter films but Horror. So many folks consider The Exorcist to be either a joke or unwatchable. I read the book before I saw the film so I had a respect for the horror as the book was brilliant.
However, in the medium of film, I reckon that ‘The Omen’ was a lot better and I think that has mainly to do with the soundtrack. It added to a brilliant atmosphere of foreboding.
To start the Halloween posting, I wanted to show you an unsettling scene from this film but there are so many. I was very close showing the death of the priest but I decided to go with this. If anyone hasn’t seen this film, give it a go, it’s the only one that gives me goosebumps. To be honest, I think that is mainly because the young actor who played Damien freaked me out!! (As did the music!) I did think it was some form of religious music but I’m sure that I read that it was written for the film.
I know I’m a bit weird but I really did want to give those Rotties an ear rub whilst saying, ‘Who’s a good boy? Who is?? Stop trying to eat me!!!’
I hate Halloween.
I fucking hate kids. I despise social media. I especially hate Supermarkets and I hate competitive parents. I hate the bastardisation of classic literature unless it’s Shakespeare (Sorry Diane!!!)
So buying a load of shite from Tesco, dressing your wean up in a better costume than it’s wee pal, making yourself into a sexy vampire, (And fuck knows what your wife will be doing) so that you can take the kid around the doors and post on somewhere all the wacky pictures, makes you nothing but a bellend. You aren’t ‘FUN!’ You aren’t ‘Hip’ and your kid will still end up HATING YOU!!!
Your kid doesn’t look wonderful and no-one gives a shit about your images. The only person that wins anything is Mr Tesco!!!!
Oh and if you dress your kid up in a Super-Hero outfit, make sure that you explain to the wee mutant (Not a slight on the kid, more the parent) that it can’t fucking fly!!
And no matter what it’s dressed in, try and hammer it into them that this is only for one night. Never should they go up to a stranger and ask if they can do a turn for some sweeties!!
I don’t know if this has anything to do with my thoughts on all of this?? (Apart from I worked for Tesco and I hope my last gaffer died horribly. You can put that comment down to dramatic effect due to the spooky vibe of Halloween or the simple fact that it was a total cunt – You choose!)
Anyhow I want to show you a couple of things that probably effected us as kids.
This first one is surely one of the scariest kids characters ever!
After Hartley, I was eventually delighted to watch ‘The Exorcist’ to take away my fear!
And then we have this one.
Okay, adults, fingers, characters and 1970 children entertainers. Need I say more??
– Oh and with that guy, what the fuck has he been smoking??
Back to Halloween and I will try and promise no more rants!
In fact, surprisingly enough, this always makes me smile!!!
I don’t care how many times I tell this, this will happen yearly. (At least!)
– A skeleton walks into a bar and says, ‘Can I have a pint of lager and a mop.’
Probably this is the scariest Halloween clip!
Okay, onto this week’s stories.
We had a first, second and third timer, someone with their seventh, and after taking the wee Chinese kid out the cupboard, Leila for story number 143!
First up was the enigmatic Gerry Coleman with, The Story of Jimmy Gray This was story number seven for Gerry.
‘This is a very involved piece of work.’
‘An excellent piece of writing.’
‘Gerry’s writing is always wide spread and he takes his time.’
On Tuesday we had the industrious Leila with Meet The lilligits.
‘I’m big into little folks.’
‘I needed this today.’
‘I love the little guys.’
We broke the back of the week with Bolt by James Morris. This was James’s third story for us.
‘Well written and presented.’
‘This reminded me that certain folks are worth listening to.’
‘Interesting.’
Next up was James Blindell and his second story for us entitled, The Bread Roll That Nearly Brought Down A Plane.
‘Engaging.’
‘I liked Sammy best.’
‘This will be a credit to the site.’
And to finish off we had a first story for Tobias Asgauter. This has to be one of our longer titles!
‘The Remarkable Sweetness Of An Unintended Life Lived Relatively Badly’ rounded up the week.
‘This shines.’
‘There is elegance in the writing.’
‘This is very interesting.’
That’s us folks.
The submissions are still coming in.
..Although (Statistic from Leila) out of the last 107 submissions, we have sent out 104 refusals!
This does make us a wee bit worried but the reason that I’m highlighting this is to give a huge pat on the back to those who have been accepted – This emphasises that no matter what, we will never drop our standards.
The comments again, have been excellent this week so please keep on doing what you are doing!!!!
..And I know I’m repetitive and boring! (Gwen makes sure I know that!!) But please say a wee thanks if you receive a comment!!!
I had a look to find, not so much Halloween facts but unsavoury facts. Not to be confused by unsavoury snacks, Twiglets win that one!!
Here’s a tip if you need some and a cheeky glass of Plonk!
So these were what I found. (The word ‘Facts’ might be a stretch as I’ve not checked them out that well.)
1. A chainsaw was invented to aid with difficult childbirth. (I think mothers would have been happier when the epidural was invented!)
2. You can marry a dead person in France.
3. The Victorians used Mummies as paint, fuel and at unwrapping parties.
4. Peeling back skull skin sounds like Velcro being separated.
5. The catholic church holds liability insurance to cover sexual misconduct claims (NOW!! I can’t believe that!!)
6. No person born blind has ever been diagnosed with schizophrenia.
7. Pisces is the most common Zodiac sign for Serial Killers.
8. Eating a Polar Bear’s liver can kill you. (Trying to get to a Polar Bear’s liver will kill you quicker!)
9. At some point during cremation, the corpse is perfectly cooked. (What sick bastard confirmed that??)
10. A lamb on a grave marker means a child is buried there.
If anyone has any comment on these, I’d love to hear from you…But maybe you should keep any actual experience to yourself!!!
Just before a piece of music I wanted to finish with a joke but there is fuck all that I found could come close to the skeleton one! So I had a look at Halloween limericks.
They were shite!
But this one did have something going for it –
This limerick isn’t a stretch
It’s about an unfortunate wretch
A Werewolf pursued him
How did he allude him?
He threw a stick and yelled ‘Fetch!’
I had to try my own!!
Satan, saville and a catholic nun
Went to the morgue for Halloween fun
The devil bowed out
When saville did shout
‘It’s great they aren’t able to run.’
It’s a work in progress!!!!!
Keeping on with the Halloween vibe -Not many could get away with this!!
I love when he says, ‘This is terrible!’
Hugh, this is the image I spoke of in my comment. Leila
Hugh
Utterly amazing. I love Hartley. I love puppets who look Moth eaten and yet have a not completely hidden “up yours” attitude. Herbert the Pervert should not be a hero, but when compared to MJ he is.
Now, Springsteen is great, but that was a major fuck up. The crowd reaction tells that clearly. Then he’s hopping about like something has been rammed up his ass. Nothing could save that debacle. Trying to reggae it or whatever, was a huge error –which he admitted, with the terrible line. Probably very few minutes in his half century career he wished a trapdoor would save him–and for me that was one of them.
I lived across the street from a cemetery while growing up and it had a huge effect on me. Hated seeing the Lamb graves, but there was one marker that terrified me, and I think it could have been used in The Omen (which I feel rates at least even with the Exorcist)
I took the liberty of placing it under the Boss. It is scary to be near the fucking thing.
I am sorry you hate Halloween. I will say it was much nicer when I was a kid, before the corporate fuckers got into it like they always do!
But I recommend that you give the American Thanksgiving a go! All you gotta do is eat, drink, nap, wake up and repeat!
Leila
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