Here we are posting number 519
It’s been a weird week.
I’ve been limping more than normal and just noticed I have a huge bruise on my knee – Fuck knows how it got there. A note to my self (Is that one word??) I need to take more showers!!!!
…Here’s a question that Ronan Kemp had for his dad (Martin was the most handsome man I have ever seen since Kirk Douglas, Burt Reynolds, Tony Curtis and Rock Hudson – Yep they all could maybe have turned me… But when I think on it, I would never have seen their faces!!!!!! Either way!! (Giver or taker, be gay and face the opposite way!!! Wait a minute, that’s wrong! It should be the same way! I am a bit unsure…Or is that a front? See what I did there?)
Ladies and gentlemen, back to the question… ‘In the shower, do you wash your legs????’
Oh back to Martin Kemp – His son stated that he’d been with a few girls who said to their pals who were meant to be going out with him, ‘You should see his dad…He is fit!!’
I was a lot taller than my dad.
You need to take the small victories.
I’m feeling particularly sad, disappointed and hungry.
Sad – My life is shite…With bells on!!!! I was on holiday for ten days and am still heartbroken to see that I had no retirement instigating lottery win!!
Disappointed- Well look at life around us. (And see above for an example)
And hungry…At the time of writing, I ain’t had my Cornflakes!!!! Has to be Cornflakes as my favourite of ‘Sugarpuffs’ are so hard to access.
I need to find a country somewhere that can do ‘Sugarpuffs’ and import or is that export (Ask Mr Trump) them to me when I want them.
I’ve also been getting a load of those cold calls. I don’t want to be nasty but it’s getting close. I wonder if I ask them if I was abusive would they leave me alone. If they answer ‘Yes’ then I reckon I could get creative.
I do try and get them to hang-up on me. So far, I’ve found these responses work well:
‘I’m a hundred and seventy you know!’
‘My injury from my accident was me being decapitated. I’m just a head now and sick of hats.’
‘Mr Cron is not available as he is in Bangkok having a sex-change, so if you phone back next week and ask for Mrs Cron, you’ll get him.’
‘How am I today?? I’d be fine if folks I didn’t ask to call me stopped doing so.’
If you have any, I’d love to read them.
Okay enough of this nonsense…Back to the site.
We really are getting so many AI stories lately. And yep I am a hypocritical bastard for moaning as I have wrote a couple myself (It is one word!!!!!) but guys, think on this AI can only go a few ways plot wise.
– ‘You mean, I’m a machine?’
– The student has become the master.
– ‘Oh my god!! It’s learning!!’
– ‘I can / can’t handle your human emotions.
– ‘We need to destroy you as we are superior / We need to destroy you as you are superior’
I still try and have a look but I spontaneously react the same way as when I see something categorised as Romance with an ‘Awwww FUCK!!!’
Okay lets get the round-up done and dusted.
We were sort of balanced this week as we had a new writer, a second-timer, somebody here for the third time and someone else making their fourth appearance. And if we ignore the first eight in Fred’s number we would have five!!!
But folks, I am only kidding. If you aren’t aware of any of his work, you are in for a roller-coaster of a ride.
As always our initial comments follow.
The very man himself who I’ve just mentioned started us off for the eighty-fifth time (That’s worth mentioning yet again!!)
Fred’s story was called ‘Immortality.’
– ‘Fred has courage, honesty and a charismatic writing style.’
– ‘I enjoyed the back and fourths.’
– ‘When you think on it, he answered both sides of the debate but never took sides!’
T.G Roettiger was our returning writer. He was published on Tuesday with, ‘Good For The Garden’
– ‘A fine piece of horror writing.’
– ‘Outrageous and grim…All good!!’
– ‘A bit unsettling.’
Richard Krause was our new writer. We send him our usual welcome. We hope that he has fun on the site and we want to see more of his work.
‘Katrina’ broke the back of the week.
‘Both writing and description were done very well.’
‘To me, this had a sort of fable vibe to it.’
‘Pretty good indeed!’
Jennifer Maloney graced the site for the third time with her offering, ‘Where The Dead Live.’
– ‘Absolutely mad in a really good and interesting way.’
– ‘The opening was excellent.’
– ‘I enjoyed the idea of her wanting to take the hole away.’
We finished off the week with Christopher Ananaias. I’m sure that we have more to come from Christopher.
Our last story and his fourth for us was entitled, ‘The Footnotes’.
– ‘Chilling.’
– ‘An awful situation done brilliantly.’
– ‘The unusual twist added to the atmosphere.’
That’s the reviews done for another week.
Keep the comments coming. That is a bit of a cheek from me as I’m quite a bit behind. But I’ll get to that over the weekend.
And as always, please check out our Sunday features and see if you want to get involved. We will as much as we can, publish what you say. (Only once have we had to pull the plug!!)
Just as a wee aside and a really stupid line that I’d forgotten about is from ‘Beau Peep – Book 5.’
Beau said to his friend Dennis:
‘I think I’ll start a diary.’
To which Dennis replied:
‘Can I milk the cows.’
Yep, I know it’s just plain daft but it makes me smile.
And now for the worst link ever to my choice of music!
When I first heard this I was only a kid and it blew me away. It has been a favourite ever since.
And here comes the link…
From Beau Peep to Mr Bojangles!!!!
Image: Old fashioned Sugar Puffs boxes to torment Hugh because he can’t get them. Now they are Honey Monster!
literally stories 
Hugh
Fine fine ranty post!
Believe it or not there was a study that concluded that about two thirds of people neglect washing their legs. I’m certain this was funded by the government.
The preoccupation with AI goes by me. A calculator is superior at toting numbers, but mathematical genius lies in the human minds. And I’ve said it before and will say it until my cold dead fingers are pried off my shot glass (empty, of course)–the big brains behind space telescopes and fancy AI’s should aim at the real troubles in the world and stop trying to be the next asshole billionaire. The idea of President Musk gives me the heebie jeebies.
Sammy was a classic, an absolute original, wildly talented–but he looked so fragile and I never saw him without a lit butt in his hand.
Hope your knee gets better–but maybe the company ought to buy you a new set to show their appreciation for you ruining your own for their sake.
Leila
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Hi Leila,
Thanks as always, much appreciated!!
Maybe that’s an idea for your excellent list making prowess (Did I spell that right? It looks a wee bit funny!) A list of the most useless government studies.
I think it’s ironic that a learning intelligence is called ‘Artificial Intelligence’. I think I’ve come across certain humans who I reckon that term is more appropriate to!!
President Musk is probably worrying. Surely no-one would be stupid enough to ever vote for a megalomaniac!!!
…Wait a minute!!!!
There was a song and dance ‘Entertainer’ in Britain called Bruce Forsyth and he was obsessed with Mr Davis Jr. Any chat show you heard him he always brought up the time he worked with him. Brucie as he was affectionately known from those who enjoyed that sort of thing put him on a pedestal and he became known as a National Treasure. There have been a few questionable National Treasures but I don’t want to think on them!!
I might be wrong but I think he played a spiv in ‘Bed-knobs And Broomsticks??
HAH!! I don’t know of any family or friends where their workplace would pay for as much as a boil lancing!!!
Cheers ma dear!!!!
Hugh
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Hi Hugh
I always got the impression that Sammy wanted to kick Sinatra in the balls when the chairman made a lame color joke. I would have paid to seen it!
Leila
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Hi Hugh
I hate when those bruises show up, without the courtesy of Sugar Puffs!
I’ve never seen Sammy doing Mr. Bojangles. The “I drinks a bit and these county bars… The dog and the minstrel shows.” Always gets me. Wow that was totally awesome! Thank you.
Christopher
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Hi Christopher,
Those lines are brilliant.
I think this was the first time I had ever considered a performance, not just a song.
I also enjoy a bit of Dean Martin. I am happy anytime to do a terrible version of ‘Little Ole Wine Drinker Me.’ However I am safe in the knowledge that no matter how bad I am Kanye West (Or whatever he is called now-a-days) would do an even more terrible version!! Did you ever hear his cover effort of Bohemian Rhapsody?? There are no words. And I wish he hadn’t sung any-words – My ears started to bleed!!!
Thanks as always.
Stay happy and inspired my fine friend.
Hugh
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Hugh
Thanks! I never heard K West on Bohemian Rhapsody, but I could only imagine. lol. Maybe I’m old but I don’t get his music (he’s old too). I saw a weird performance on Saturday Night Live once that totally lost me. Can’t even explain it, so I get what you’re saying.
I like Dean ( in his older years he wore glasses and acted like he was tipsy all the time, I didn’t understand that either). Frank’s “New York” is pretty great! I like their old movies too.
The Super Bowl half time show. Come on… what the hell was that? I needed an interpreter–should have had the captions up. lol. Maybe it’s not meant to be a musical performance anymore.
Christopher
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Good post. There’s a YouTube video of Sammy performing as a little kid. Amazing talent even at that age. I can’t say I listen to his music much, but his rendition of Gonna Build Me A Mountain is excellent. Even better than the AI version.
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Hi Dave,
I like his rendition of ‘Candyman’!
Ahhh the AI debate. What I hate about it is it’s taking away purity. Not in it’s purest sense but in the purity of making mistakes and here’s the point, being sodding human.
I really wonder how the boffins reckon they can do this artificially when humankind itself still hasn’t a handle on it!!!!
It’s always a pleasure Mr Henson – Hope all is well with you and yours.
Hugh
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Hugh
You have fabulous music tastes! This song as performed by Sammy brings tears to the eyes of the soul (or literally) for numerous reasons, one of them being that I remember watching him perform this song on the TV while sitting with my grandparents who are only here in spirit any more, another of them being the lines:
“His dog up and died, he up and died, and after twenty years, he still grieves.”
“Mr. Bojangles” can go on any list of the greatest songs, and the way Sammy acts out his version while singing it is hypnotically cool. NINA SIMONE and BOB DYLAN both did great versions of this song too. Dylan actually recorded his version BEFORE Sammy took this song up, although that version was released after Sammy’s version had been, and of course Sammy’s version is far more well-known. But Dylan’s and Nina’s versions are also great, and make an awesome comparison with the Sammy version. Sammy was a wild one, a hurricane of sparkling energy in a small package. The man knew how to party and then some! Giving extra heft to the line “I drinks a bit” when he sings it. They say the real Mr. Bojangles was white but he took his street alias from a black performer, so this song also destroys (in a good way) all the categories, kind of like how Sammy converted to Judaism after the accident where he lost his eye does too. Sinatra used to tear up contracts and refuse to perform in places where they wouldn’t let Sammy in the door.
I’ve heard through the grapevine that when you remain submerged in the warm tub for two or three hours while reading a stack of books beside you and utilizing frequent doses of marijuana for extra calming purposes, and a large cup of coffee as well, the use of soap becomes unnecessary and one doesn’t even need to wash the legs because they become clean on their own that way. The Siberian Husky who often sleeps in the tub when it’s empty lays on the floor at the door of the bathroom and occasionally casts a glance your way as if to ask when you’re getting out so he can get back in. This procedure is also an awesome home remedy for a bad back, not to mention an awesome way to idle away an afternoon or evening after too much activity has created the need for rest or else.
Thanks again for the Sammy song, I hadn’t seen or heard this in many years and it really brought me back, in a good way. Also, thanks for your prose style. It’s lean, mean, natural, and not too much, not too little.
Dale
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Hi Dale,
I was never a Sinatra fan, I enjoyed a few but that’s all. But you have told me something that makes me have a regard for him.
I wonder if you have ever seen the film, ‘The Green Book’. I didn’t know what that was. The film is about the pianist Don Shirley’s tour through America. What I think is a tragedy is that film is classed as a Comedy. Isn’t it hysterical you not being allowed to stay or eat where you were playing?? Not being payed the same as others? Having to take a reference book telling you where you could stay. Being abused and being harassed by Police (That list could go on and on!!) Let the humour take care of itself and categorise this brilliant film as something more fitting.
I think your way of leg cleaning is very acceptable…And safe! I’m sure Boo sees to that!!
Thanks so much for your compliment on my Prose Style. Hmmm I think I could take that for my character as well but unfortunately my wife normally describes me as ‘The big, crabbit dour faced bastard’
…I judge her for her choice in men!!!!
Hope all is well with you my fine friend. Give the dogs a back scratch from me!
And thanks as always!!!!!!!!!!!
Hugh
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PS
H.C.
AI = 95% Snake Oil, both the fear of the apocalypse from it and the misguided belief (and desire) in living forever on this forever mortal planet. None of us were created by our creator to stay here in this one place indefinitely. (Vampires are tormented because they can’t die, not that I’m asking to hurry up the process in my own case.)
My 2 cents.
D.
And:
When humans want to start receiving things like consolation letters after a death, or congratulation messages after something good, from robots, a new species will have been birthed, just like Frankenstein. That much is true…
Human writing will always be for humans and humans and only humans will be able to write it. (Monkeys or dolphins are no better at writing poems for humans than robots are.) Writing written by stealing what humans have already written and rearranging it via computer “magic” = once again, Snake Oil.
As the world burns, the bored fools line up for more snake oil and exploding rockets in the sky. My 2 cents. But maybe I’m just jealous of robotic writing talents. (But I don’t think so)…As far as AI for a research assistant, my advice is to do it one’s self and thereby improve one’s own brain power in little increments over the entire length of one’s life (until the end) on this (temporary) planet. Even walking into a library as in the good old days can actually be good for one as one feels one’s legs moving through the air and the heart a-pumping away and gets to share a communal human experience with the people who live in your neighborhood, even the old homeless dudes crashed out in the corners, etc. etc…Bill Gates is the only half-sane billionaire (except for Governor JB Pritzker of Illinois) and he keeps asking everyone to tax him much more, why don’t we listen? etc etc etc etc!………
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Hi Dale,
This would never work due to sooooo many reasons but in an ideal world I reckon you should be able to choose when to cut-off your own technical advances.
If you are happy going into your bank, using a landline, if you enjoy reading the time from a watch, driving a car without a screen or electricity, being served at a supermarket that is what you should happen. I know up to a point we can still do these but everything is gearing towards the ‘Put the app on your phone’ era.
For the term that they all use about ‘Keeping folks connected’ they have missed the mark by a mile. I have never in my life seen people so distant towards each other!!!
Thanks again my fine friend.
We all appreciate your input!!!!
Hugh
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I’m old enough to remember when Sammy Davis Jr. was a part of (?) the Will Mastin Trio, who I believe danced. As always check for yourself.
Related – really, it is – The future history of writing, which of course was written by a robot (Prolly AI, but the story was written before AI was big). A hundred years from today the only writing by human will be text, the rest by robots who wrote the story http://www.short-humour.org.uk/8writersshowcase/inpler.htm
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Hi Doug,
Thanks as always for your time and comments.
You have probably got something about the text-speak.
Years back I did a course to be a tutor for ‘Adult Literacy and Numeracy’. There was a young lady who was doing the same. She struggled with a simple percentage. She also handed in her ‘Homework’ and it was all written in text speak. Now the first percentage problem, fair enough, a lot of folks struggle. The homework however was just a tad silly. She was there to help folks read and write but she thought the text speak was acceptable. I think she missed that point! But what really got me…She was a third year University Student. I was scared to ask what she was studying!!!!
Hope all is well with you and The Editor.
Stay interesting!!
Hugh
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hello – another great fun posts. I hope the bruise is either explained or gone – or possibly both. Don’t get me started on AI – I have a fear that it’s all too late, it’s off and running and we can’t stop it. The Society or Authors, ALCS, Crime Writers Association are all trying desperately to encourage the government to put some legislation in place to force developers to ask permission and give ideally payment but if not that at least recognition of the work that has been scrapped to train the computers but the length of time it takes the ‘authorities’ to do anything I reckon we’ll all be reading beige, bland, computer produced stuff before they even realise just what a problem it is.
Heigh Ho – there’s always Sugar Puffs – oh wait!
thanks as ever – dd
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Hi Diane,
Maybe the knee can be explained…Too much Brandy????
We can all have the fear regarding AI, we can embrace it or avoid it until we can’t but the one thing we can be sure of, is if there is money to be made, governments and the filthy rich Megalomaniacs (Same thing really) will always be dipping their toe in to make even more than they could spend in a hundred lifetimes.
Thanks as always!!
All my very best to you and Ian.
Hugh
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This post spoke to me as I’m just back at work today after a good, long holiday (which also involved buying a house!) and the post-holiday blues are strong! As for washing my legs, I asked myself the question, and wasn’t sure, so will have to check in my next shower later today – if I put my back out, I’ll be blaming you!
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