“I take it you eat most of your food at home, gorging, where no-one can see?”
“I suppose so, at home that is but never gorging.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really.”
“What’s your favourite? Kebabs? Chips and Cheese? Sweet And Sour? Trifle? All of the above?”
“…Probably fish.”
“Oh, I do like a fish supper but you know, my waste-line doesn’t look after itself! So is it chips and curry
sauce and a battered fish for you?”
“No. I like a Salmon Caesar Salad with a touch of lemon mayonnaise. Or a Sea-bass on a bed of
courgette, tomatoes, asparagus and mange-tout.”
“Really! Well fuck me! Puddings though, I take it you like your puddings? All of them/ Isthere any that
you prefer?”
“Yep, I love fresh fruit.”
“Well it’s getting a bit clearer now, you never see a skinny gorilla! I suppose it’s a good job that they don’t
like ice-cream…What’s your favourite flavour? I bet it’s chocolate”
“Ice cream goes right through me so I avoid it.”
“…But you are really fat, so maybe some of it sticks.”
“My weight is an enigma to me. I am the only person that I know who can defecate, stand on the scales
and be two pounds heavier…How that makes me laugh.”
“What about sweeties, you must eat loads or is it tonnes?”
“Nope, I prefer plain crackers.”
“With what?”
“Nothing really, just a glass of red wine.”
“A glass or a case?”
“…Just a glass, enough for my crackers.”
“Hee-Hee same sort of question, just the packet or a case?”
“A few does me.”
“So you’re telling me that you eat the way that you do and yet you are still fucking enormous??”
“I suppose I am.”
“I don’t believe you. You must be shovelling in a dozen or so doughnuts. Maybe you are one of those
weird fucks who sleep eat, walk, eat and walk…Does your food go missing? And does the staff of your
local twenty-four hour Spar look at you in a funny way?”
“No.”
“Exercise! I take it you are a lazy bastard and do fuck all?”
“I walk to my work so I do around twenty miles a week.”
“Twenty?”
“Around that and that isn’t counting me being on my feet all day.”
“You can’t be watching what you eat. I know fucking everything that goes into my mouth.”
“I don’t watch what I eat as I know that it doesn’t matter”
“I take it that you’re happy to be a fat cunt?”
“I don’t think any folks are.”
“Can you even see your cock in the shower?”
“Yes, it’s big enough thank you very much.”
“Jesus fuck…I could never be your size. I’d need to kill myself. But it’s great to see a bloater who is happy
with the way that they are – Fair play to you.”
“I can understand that and do you know what gets me through?”
“Chocolates??”
“No. Mindless violence to the likes of you, so I’m going to kill you now and save you from ever having to
take your skinny anorexic arse and vomit up another cheeseburger ever again you fucking weight
watching cunt!”
literally stories 
Hello Hugh!
That rebuttal at the close is precious!
I do so despise the scale. I finally tossed mine, hoping no one would salvage it and become a slave to the goddam thing.
I wonder what the restrictive calorie people get out of alife minus cheese and cake? How can a person be so afraid of death as to never eat a cheeseburger and have a beer to help it down. Great whatever!
Leila
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Hi Leila,
Thanks so much.
As we have ‘spoken’ about, there are some folks who appreciate having a story all about one line and others who don’t.
When we started out in Shortbread, myself and Tobias embraced this more than most of the other contributors. I have written many a story around one line but the thing is, those aren’t emphasised as such unless you leave that line to be the last one.
I was delighted that you and Diane went for this one.
Hugh
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Clever and entertaining. I take it that the heavy fellow is laughing all the way to the bakery.
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Hi David,
This was fun to do and a lot of the attitudes were observations on what I’ve heard throughout the years.
I also did touch on my hatred of double standards. If a thin person regularly ate a whole cake, they’d be called lucky. If a larger person did the same thing they’d be called a fat bastard.
Thanks as always my fine friend.
Hugh
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This was clever and I applaud the narrator. Having struggled with this subject for most of my life I feel all the feels and the final sentence gets a cheer.
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Hi Diane,
When there is a bit of an understandable rebuttal, it makes us all feel better!
The same thanks goes to you that I gave to Leila!!
Hugh
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Yes, I am I picky knowitall. Wasteline (sic).
Happy and prosperous New Year to those who celebrate. My Tehran correspondent tells me Iran and Afghanistan celebrate a different new year, I think associated with Mohammed. I’d like to see a list of all the different new year’s if there is such a thing. I know Chinese is different.
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Hi Doug – Well spotted!
I meant to use that exact phrase a couple of times throughout but thought against it.
You see in my mind I was thinking on them thinking on each other so one would be waste(disposal)line and waste(away) line.
I quite liked that so left it as it was.
Thanks so much for all the comments my fine friend, they are much appreciated.
Hugh
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Thought it might be a joke, but I didn’t get it. Slowzo (combine slow and bozo) here.
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For my money, writing a story exclusively in dialogue is the hardest writing skill there is. So well done here.
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Hi Mick,
Any compliment from you is high praise indeed!
Thanks so much my fine friend.
Hugh
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I reckon this must have been as fun to write as it was to read. You’re a wonder with dialogue. As someone who stopped eating meat and dairy a few years ago it’s unbelievable how often I find myself having to justify my dietary choice and so this also rung true, although I do my best to avoid being a fat cunt.
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Thanks for the comment Paul.
I think what really pisses me off is when people have preconceptions. Large folk eat too much, thin folk don’t eat enough, etc etc.
It is a choice a personal choice and a preference.As long as the person is healthy and happy, who should care.
All the very best for the New Year my fine friend.
Hugh
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