Week 432 – Plod With No Shoulders, Removed Nipples And Bloater Is Too Close.

Another week bites the dust and we find ourselves at posting number 432.

This is being published the day after my birthday but I am writing it the day before as there is no point in typing it the day of my birthday. I’d miss all the keys and spill my malt onto the keyboard.

Birthdays are getting weirder. I’m not sure if I look forward to them any-more. Not because I’m getting older, it’s just that I feel as if I have accepted my lot. A new year or another birthday at one time made me wonder what the year would bring or what I’d be doing for my next birthday. Not so much now. I’ve accepted I’ll need to work in a shit job until I retire, stay somewhere I don’t like and have the pish ripped out of me by the two mad cat-fiends. (They can infuriate me and have me creasing myself with laughter all at the same time)

I don’t know what it is about this time in all our lives, but there are so many folks who have had really shit times over the last three years. (Trump, May, Brexit and Covid walked into a bar and the barman says – Is this a fucking joke? – Does that work? Maybe it needs a bit more work!!)

Maybe it will all calm down and we will get peace for a few years, but I doubt it. I think for everything we get over, there will be something to take over.

Fuck – That was a bit deep!

Back to my usual inane shite…

I would like to tell you something about not understanding the meaning of words.

A few weeks back Ayr Police station was being shut. The police were moved to a base that used to be an old school. The reason was reported as ‘The Station in King Street is no longer fit for purpose.’

(Remember that phrase!)

…If Ayr Police arrest anyone, they have to be taken either to Kilmarnock (11 miles from Ayr) or Saltcoats (15 miles from Ayr) as the ‘new’ Police-Station has no cells.

Fit for purpose??

Also, I heard that the building in Saltcoats is stunning and has a brand-new top of the range gym. Now these tall police folks can’t lift traditional weights as the ceiling is too low.

Again – Fit for purpose!!!

Police Scotland is having a recruiting drive for short Police-People to save on the plastering bill for Saltcoats gyms ceiling!

Now here is another legendary terrible link – Talking about fit for purpose, please when writing humour either make it humorous or categorise it as general as we won’t then have any expectations for a belly-laugh!

We have had so many over the last week that are as funny as a paper-cut between the fingers. (I did alter that line as my imagery was maybe a tad brutal with what I was initially thinking!)

Okay onto this week’s stories.

We had three new writers and we welcome each of them. A returner returned and Leila graced us for the amazing 121^st time.

As always our initial comments follow.

On Monday we began with our first new writer, Stephanie Green with, ‘Dress For Success.’

‘Visible characters.’

‘A lot put across in such a small word count.’

‘Stephanie got the spirit of a Weenie Dog spot on.’

Hari Khalsa was next up with his first story, ‘They Say He Was A Biter’

‘Weird! You question the MC’s sanity.’

‘Good writing.’

‘This is an interesting look at life.’

On Wednesday our lovely fellow editor added to her stupendous back-catalogue with ‘Ago-a-Go-Go.’

If you haven’t noticed, check out Leila’s use of capitals – She is a refreshing free spirit with these.

‘I was hooked on this.’

‘What a jolly romp.’

‘…Goat spit is a bit much for me!’

‘Jimmy The Architect’ was Dan Shpyra’s second outing and this was published on Thursday.

‘What an accomplished piece of story-telling.’

‘The matter-of-fact tone of what happened (or would) to his head made me cringe, but not in a bad way.’

‘Short and bitter and the end makes you uncertain how to react.’

And to complete the week we had another newbie. We hope to see them all again very soon with some more of their work.

‘I’d Rather Have A Chocolate Bar’ by Frances Gaudiano was next up.

‘Some amusement throughout.’

‘Her telling him to wash his hair and wear clean clothes was well done.’

‘I like her interaction with the yoga bloke.’

Just to finish, usual thanks to those who comment. And the usual curse to those who don’t.

And remember what your granny told you – Say thanks if you get something. Again, I’m talking comments here. You don’t want to upset your granny now, do you? She may be dead but that’s beside the point.

Check out previous Sundays and see if you would like to get involved with those features. (Miss Anderson will be so disappointed that I’m not repeating!!)

I read a few things this week that tweaked my interest – First off – Potatoes have more chromosomes than humans. That may explain a few walking vegetables with less intellect. (And that phrase may emphasise my lack of chromosome to intellect knowledge! At least I had the savvy to acknowledge that and not wing it!!)

Seemingly, the bible is the most shop-lifted book. I wonder if there are any ‘returns’ when they read about moses with his Victory V tablets.

Probably they just throw it out due to boredom after the umpteenth mention of ‘lord’, ‘the’ and ‘and’. Only serial killers and the KKK have any use for it.

There is a piece of information that I have mentioned before and it keeps haunting me. I still will never accept that the fucking Unicorn is the national animal of Scotland. It’s no an animal, it’s a figment of some Greek guy’s imagination who reckoned the beastie was from India…How very relevantly Scottish!

My point, is for whatever sodding reason, I read somewhere that a group of Unicorns is called a blessing. Maybe that is fair as it would be a blessing to have that much money to get that pished that you saw a Blessing of Unicorns.

And on that note – I have a tear in my eye for a collection of Hippos – They are called a ‘Bloat’!

-Whit a wee shame!!

Has anyone ever heard the joke asking why Hippos have sex in rivers? I’d best not give the answer!!!

And now for a tune.

Leila spoke about similar sounding songs last week and that made me want to share this.

I reckon this is as different as any of their other work.

Hugh

Hugh Cron

Image by Chris Stenger from Pixabay – Two hippos ‘kissing’ in a river

Sorry about the image, Hugh – I had all sorts of ideas reading this but when you mentioned hippo sex I was left with no choice – dd