UserTube
I don’t like TikTok much because it encourages the further curtailment of an already alarmingly short public attention span. I sometimes think that maybe we are being steadily prepped for a future in which chips will be planted in our brains at birth. In the year 3000 “slow” will describe someone who actually takes a second to think something over. No, not much for TikTok, but I do like YouTube, well, to a point, yet there is something happening on it that makes me howl with rage.
Mainly, my current vexation started with the Cute Dog channels. I am all in for Cute Dogs, but I object to monetized channels where a “Talking” Husky does all the work while the associate human cashes all the checks. Oh, I’m certain that the humans treat their stars (aka, “mealtickets”) better than most people treat their aged parents, but I also know exploitation when I see it. And what’s with the infestation of French Bulldog channels? I’m all for these walking tater tots, but it looks as though you have to put more effort into these guys than it takes to raise a child. I watched one woman spend twenty minutes placing blueberries in her Frenchie’s supper. When I was a kid, it took twenty seconds to open a can and glop the food in a bowl, and another fifteen ‘til it was licked clean. (When it was my turn, our dinner dishes were “pre washed” using the same method.)
And don’t get me started on the blatant robbing of Squirrels. (Well, I guess I got myself started there, so away we go.) No one can convince me that Squirrels are being adequately compensated for their often excessive acts of cuteness. It’s a goddam crying shame that they must break into bird feeders because the operators of the Squirrel Channels are soulless profiteers who encourage delinquent behavior to attract subscribers.
I’m big on Cats, but I avoid Cat postings. Once, I wanted to learn how to give one of my Cat’s a pill. Then I scrolled through the postings and watched peaceful Cats allow pills, flea treatment and bathing without killing the human attempting the activities. These fine kitties did not appear to be drugged (I would have been on the horn to the ASPCA instantly if that was the case), but, still, I cannot imagine a self respecting Cat behaving so passively when doing something that isn’t his/er idea and never would be. I suspect CGI.
Yet I’ve been told that there are Cats who like baths and will take their medications without launching World War III–for whatever strange reason only pleasingly plump Tabbies will allow such–not all of them–sometimes an Orange will put the Cat in catatonic, but certainly never a wiry Tortoise Shell, but it happens. So I’m told. Maybe one Cat in five-hundred million will react as gently as the YouTube Cats. My advice to anyone who watches how to take a Cat’s temperature on YouTube is make sure that you have a CGI Cat or excellent medical.
Still, whether it be phony or something from Ago, I find myself scrolling through YouTube when I really ought to be doing something useful. Sometimes I tell myself I’m “Doing Research.” That’s one of the great lies writers tell themselves when they catch themselves out mindlessly wasting time better spent at the desk. I say let the desk pay my internet and phone bills and I’ll chain myself to it. Until that happens I will examine the blathersphere and seek the inner peace of the CGI Feline. Below, I’ve made a little list of my current YouTube fascinations. As always, there is always room for one more.
Milestone
Next week, Hugh will appear with his 300th weekly wrap. That is almost six years worth of Saturdays or…hold on for a sec…be right back…[thirty-two seconds elapse]…or 72.29% of all the weeklies, which he pretty much did alone for something like four years. In this TikTok world it is especially conspicuous when someone does something well for a long time anymore. So, here’s my salute to Hugh–as evidenced by the stuff that precedes this section, it isn’t always easy to think of something to say, let alone do it 300 times.
The Remains of the Week
Two weeks ago I introduced a group of writers with over four-hundred site appearances between them. Today I present five new contributors whose quality suggests the probability of continued success. Although each writer this week has a unique voice, each one is met at taking an old idea and injecting it with fresh insights. We have a guy and a girl who may or may not be there, a Ticktockman sort of individual (not the app), troubles on another planet and holding on to one’s dignity because it is the only thing left of value.
Anatoly Radimir opened the week with his brilliant A Choice, Through Time. There’s an effortless quality to this that moves it along and the end is on you before you can piece it out. Moreover, there isn’t a wasted word in the story. Everything tells and the atmosphere is singular.
Rob Roy O’Keefe presented a completely different look at Time on Tuesday with Borrowed Time. The idea that corporate toadies would find a way to package Time as though it were bologna is brilliant and slightly unsettling. No, more than unsettling–something Ticktockman (not the dumb app, but the Ellison story) about it that rings true for it is something people would do if they could do it.
Joe Jablonski took us to another world on Wednesday with Step 13. Sometimes humankind would be better off if it never left the house. But then again, there would be no concept of home if no one ever dared to reach out. Extremely well done and a new look at an old theme.
Kaela Li (I know I’m starting every paragraph with a name. Call it a wrap innovation) flat out tells you what’s going on with the title of The Girl Who Does Not Exist, yet she is able to convey the “more” of the idea and there’s a wonderfully creepy vibe that lasts beyond the last word.
Jon Fotch (Pen for the person the link leads you to) closed the week with Wig Shop. This form of story is under a heavier than normal burden due to the frequency it appears in submissions. But if anyone wants a clear idea about what makes a good story about aging and dying, you can do far worse than checking this piece out.
And there they are. Let’s have a hand for our first time contributors and make comments on their stories, so that each one will want to return soon and often.
YouTube Addictions
- Cheesy 80’s Music Videos
- Beer commercials from the 50’s and 60’s
- Current and old Stand Up Comedy (very discriminating, but there’s a lot of it)
- Dick Cavett Show
- Driving “Fails”
- Batfink Cartoons
- Old Brit sitcoms (Blackadder, Father Ted, Last of the Summer Wine, The Kids in the Hall, Red Dwarf, Fawlty Towers, etc)
- The Outer Limits (B&W original)
- Cigarette Ads featuring characters like the Flinstones
- Your-Tube turn
Leila
literally stories 
Hi Leila,
Thanks so much for the kind words.
There is no point in thinking what I’ll do for next week, I’ll just wing at as always.
I don’t really bother with any clips but that doesn’t stop folks saying to me, ‘You really need to see this’ and then thrusting a fucking mobile in my face!
I sometimes use YouTube to listen to some music when I’m working on the site. It saves me having to listen to adverts or the pish DJ’s talk on their radio programmes!
I did seek out ‘Soap’ on YouTube but the quality was terrible. That and ‘The Dark Secret Of Harvest Hove’ (??) are two things that I’d love to own on DVD but I still don’t think I can access them in this country. (It would be the wrong region if I got them from the States and that is even if they are available.)
Excellent post as usual!!
Hugh
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Thank you, Hugh
Soap was a great show. First I ever saw of Billy Crystal. So shocking for 1978 except for people who lived in the real world.
Maybe you can do a 300 theme from that film a few years back.
Leila
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Good post and advanced congratulations to Hugh on his upcoming 300th. I don’t You Tube much anymore. I have watched Dick Cavett. In a similar vein, you can find interesting Merv Griffin interviews. One with Phil Spector was a bit unnerving.
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Hello and thank you, David
I used to watch Merv then the Mike Douglas Show after school in 70’s. They usually swapped out guests. Truman Capote and Zsa Zsa. Also Georgie Jessel (sp). Once upon a time it was possible to make a living by being amusingly incoherent like Truman, dumb as a post like Zsa Zsa and whatever the hell Jessel was about.
Leila
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One generation’s treasure is another generation’s stinky dump. How long will be until Seinfeld and Friends are discredited? I got a jump on that, never saw the appeal.
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Great post again Lelia and yes congratulations Hugh on the upcoming milestone. It amazes me that you both find interesting things to talk about week after week. (I am also relieved because I’m sure I couldn’t do it)
You tube! Oh yes the thief of time. I watch it a lot. There’s a book reviewer I like to watch he does vlogs where he travels around and takes you along. A lot of it is on Merseyside and it’s nice to have a blast from the past. I am a sucker for brass band music and the anthems at rugby matches and that sort of thing. I am not a huge fan of the dog and cat things to be honest and I abhor the ones that show you ‘humans’ behaving idiotically. Laughing at someone who has been dumb enough to put a firework in his pocket isn’t really my thing especially when you think of the people who will have to deal with the burns. I also hate to see people disappointed so watching someone’s wedding cake collapse onto the dance floor or a child open a parcel only to find a turnip inside really upsets me. Right. Six Nations is about to start. ——————>
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Thank you, Diane
I like the travel shows also. “Went” to Romania just the other day. And some people do have intelligent and interesting channels. Lately been getting into classic art.
Leila
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Someone opened the door on YouTube – Depending on which Fresh Words YouTube you see and hear (if any – no more than four minutes of your life lost) there will talking animals, my editor in an allstar cast, Perry Mason theme, dance star, restaurant terrorism, Taco Bell, hopeless and idiotic romantic, hospitalization, cheap beer, big cheeseburgers, the list doesn’t go on.
Son Of Simon https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7CCqYq1DEM
Crunch https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9mHPK9n1Jk
Our orange big guy Kitzhaber (who alsowould have been a crappy governor) is good about his thyroid medicine being rubbed in his ears. He has been “groomed” by years of unmedicated ear rubbing.
I’ve noticed “groom” is trying to replace political insults such as cult, leftist, fascist … .
Keep On Rocking And Rolling In The Not So New Year.
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Hello and thank you, Doug
I can’t come anywhere near either of my cats with the monthly topical flea treatment unless they are asleep. I swear they know when it is time and sleep with one eye open and claws on the ready. I will check out the link.
Leila
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Hi Leila,
How weird!!
Gwen has just shown me this and I would say, it is as ‘nice’ as I’ve ever seen.
I have a dislike for most of human kind, but this young lady has my utmost respect and admiration.
And as for Statler – Whit a legend!!!
Oh and for Diane – Don’t care who wins, I’ve just seen one of the best trys ever!!!
Hugh
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Unbelievable little critters. The face is like a little dog. Thirty-three is an amazing age for a creature like that. There are some good people on Earth, but they usually keep a low profile.
Leila
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I know which try that was and it’s got to go down in history as one of the greats. I remember days when we used to win the cup with the little elephant but we are going through our downtime now. It was a great match and the best team won I reckon.
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That’s a fair point Leila, only wankers ‘project / promote / sell’ themselves!!!
Hugh
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There is a Wanker’s Corner south of where I live. Don’t know if is named after Joe Wanker or if an early settler of English heritage named it. It is not the term of choice for we Americanos.
The fisher specialized in one area alone. He was a master baiter.
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Hi Doug,
There are a lot of English Wankers (Sorry Diane!!)
To be honest, when Scottish people slag off the English, I stick up for them. I state that every English person that I know are close friends of mine and I love them. But I can’t say that for every Scottish person that I know!!
I went to school with a guy called Bates, can’t remember his first name as most teachers insisted in calling him ‘Master Bates’
And I worked with my dad in our bakery for twelve years so I was inundated with the term, ‘Master Baker’!!
The thing I fear most is seeing a ghost, I’d rather have some toast..
Nope – You’ve still got it with ‘Rockin’ In The Free World.’
Hugh
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