Leila caught a cold while composing this weekly update and claimed that she was only worth “two-thirds of my usual genius” (a statement which proves that the common cold has no ill effects on the ego). Instead of calling out sick and thrusting her duty on her fellow Editors, she asked that I, Daisy Cloverleaf, write the introduction to this week’s wrap and that she would handle the middle and end. Which is precisely what has happened.
Although some out there might consider me a figment of Leila’s imagination, rest assured that I am as self-aware as I need to be. And although I am, technically speaking, a Fictional Character (FC)–a talking, writing Pygmy Goatess FC–to be precise, that doesn’t mean that I don’t have a life of my own. You authors overlook that not all the FCs you create are counting away the minutes until you use us again. Some of us have projects of our own, thank you. And when I informed Leila that although I’d love to help her out, doing such would interrupt progress on an Advice Column I’m developing for syndication; I call it Dear Daisy.
Leila understands that, along with self-awareness, many FCs are also as venal as we need to be. So in exchange for taking up space until the recap of this week’s excellent stories appears, Leila has allowed me to publish for the first time anywhere a snippet of Dear Daisy.
I hope you enjoy it.
My boyfriend Trent and I, like, can’t decide whether to go with a Star Wars or Batman –themed wedding–you know? His folks are willing to go fund either if it means that we move out of their basement prior to the “End of Days” (As if–LOL!!!).
Trent, like, has a huge lightsaber (OMG!!!) for a Jedi wedding. But, like, the Joker is sooo sexy-fine!
WTF 2 do?
Tori of Torrance (she/her)
After giving your problem considerable thought I have arrived at the conclusion that I cannot possibly care less about you and Trent. But in an effort to be positive, I strongly encourage you guys not to reproduce. Consider it your gift to the human race.
Sincerely, if nothing else,
Daisy (Miss Cloverleaf to you)
In the Nick of Time, The Week That Still Is
As I sit here, still slightly befuddled by the effects that a combination of NyQuil and Jack Daniels is having on my central nervous system, I thank Daisy for stepping up (or stepping in it–depending on your level of tolerance for advice-seeking malletheads. FCs certainly have a way of saying things that deflect negative attention from the author). And now it is my profound pleasure to introduce the five writers who made the world a better place this week. One needs little introduction (but will get one anyway) and the other four have appeared on the site for their first times.
Jaydan Salzke authored Monday’s It’s Not About Her. Although I should heed the advice in the title, this is a wonderful example of perspective. The story unfolds in the eyes of a witness. Someone who must make suppositions based on observations. This comes off so clearly that it’s easy to underappreciate the amount of work that had to have been put into it.
If you hang around and contribute long and well enough, you inevitably attract laudatory adjectives. “Venerable,” “legendary,” “redoubtable,” come to mind when I consider Tom Sheehan. On Tuesday he added to his extensive site canon with Loaves of Life. He brings life to times gone by like no other, and even after all these decades he displays a stunning memory of events that isn’t steeped in sentiment.
Megan Wildhood made a memorable site debut on Wednesday. Her wonderfully ironically titled Modern Entertainment certainly gives new definitions for the concepts of family and community. It is both tense and sardonically funny. Such a rare mix, and the idea of it lingers long after the final sentence. You want more, but it ends at the right place.
Cryobaby by newcomer Sean Burke is an inventive look at EMTs of the future–or at least those in an alternate universe. This is a classic example of how “show” trumps “tell” in writing. It takes a minute, but when the image comes together at the end it is quite remarkable. I can see the patient hanging there, in all her tragedy. (If that last sentence has bounced off your head it means you have yet to read the story. You ought to fix that.)
Be Aware, The Hand That Feeds by another first time contributor, Stephan Oram gives a glimpse at a future that might be inevitable. I’m hoping that it isn’t accurate, but the society Stephen presents is so brilliantly presented that you can’t help but worry a little about the possibility. It marks one a bit grateful that they might be dead when this might unfold as reality.
As always, let’s have a hand for the five writers who, whether they produce in secret, or in the wide open, or in some other unknown way, have created stories for us to read and make comments on.
Nine New Ways to Avoid Heaven
Last month I made a list of popular items I do not like. This week, in a naked effort to stimulate conversation (something a bit more evolved than “clickbait”), I present nine things that I like but have no one to share my appreciation with.
- Liquor without ice. I never want mine on the rocks.
- A song sung by Yoko Ono: “Hard Times are Over” off Double Fantasy (this is definitely a one off).
- Anchovies on pizza.
- The smell of a cigarette freshly lit by a match.
- Coors Light (everyone I know rags on the stuff, but someone has to be buying it).
- Minor League Independent Pro Wrestling (The TV stuff sucks anymore because of money).
- Pigeons (no discernable minds, but they have a natural optimism I find appealing).
- Rodents (I don’t necessarily invite them into the house, but I do not spite their right to life).
- Infomercials featuring “stars” from yesteryear. It’s good to see that someone such as Jimmy “J.J.” Walker is still alive and making a living.
12 thoughts on “374- Dear Daisy, The Week That Still Is, And Nine New Ways To Avoid Heaven”
Daisy did a fine job. Not surprising— goats are wise. Anchovies on pizza are good, especially with pineapples. Anchovies on Caesar salad are better without the pineapples. Get well soon, LA.
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Thank you, David.
I can’t do the pineapple on pizza. But I do enjoy the unlikely combination of watermelon and feta cheese ( but not on pizza). Goats and Sheep should be proud of their Greekness.
I never have rocks in my whusky. It would water it down too much for one and anyway I like it to burn the roof off my mouth. I have, in my so called maturity, come to appreciate an anchovy but only in a ceaser dressing (a la Jamie Oliver). Funny you should mention pigeons. I like the little blighters – the hubby can’t stand em – not good for marital harmony. I have a soft spot for vermin varmints – as you say don’t invite em in but they have their place in my world. So there we are maybe you won’t be alone there’ll at least be me and Dave Henson.
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Thank you! Yes no rocks for the knock. I see some places that try to use shaved ice. Not even the dimmest Pigeon would pay for that.
Shaved Ice – what is this modern idea – pfffft shaved ice!!!
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I thought, perhaps like Diane, that if anchovies were good on Caesar / chesser / cheeser / ceaser / (one who ceases?) salads they’d be good on pizza. No like salty pizza. Big thumbs up to pineapple on pizza. I’m told some Canadian, take off hoser, invented Hawaiian pizza. Strange world.
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Thank you, Doug–
The Molson must have been flowing the day that happened. Sounds like a Bob and Doug McKenzie sort of idea.
With you all the way when it comes to anchovies on pizza. Goats command my respect for their determination, but I wish they’d eat nettles BEFORE the nettles start seeding. You’ve changed my mind about pigeons: their optimism is indeed admirable. I’d previously failed to detect any positive qualities. May I add a further lone like to the list? Any video clip of someone dropping a heavy object on their foot
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Thank you, Mick!
Although it was arranged, I do so still love slapstick of Laurel and Hardy. Heavy objects, pianos mainly, were especially attracted to Ollie.
Maximum cute overload – goats escaped from their corral and went gamboling down the trail I was on. Gamboling better and smarter than gambling.
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Excellent as usual.
I also agree that there should be no ice near straight booze. The only time I find it acceptable is if there is a fresh fruit juice used as a mixer.
I also like pigeons – They are delicious.
If anchovies are used correctly, they are delicious. Don’t know what they’d be like with pigeon??
I love goats and want to see a few goats up a tree one of these days.
Adding onto your list, I’d add
– Any tobacco product that was just lit. (Weird that as I have never been a traditional smoker.)
– The aftershave ‘Intense’ by Gucci (It smells like those old rust cloth coloured textured band-aids that rip three layers of your skin off.)
– Here’s the controversy – Gary Glitter. ‘Always Yours’ is a tremendous tune. Yes he was a paedo fuck and I hate him for that and hope that he dies a painful death…But there are a few others who I could add to that list – The painful death that is and not my appreciation of there music. (I didn’t like Jackson and I don’t think ‘RandyAndyPandy’ or many catholic priests or politicians can hold a tune!!!
– A bread roll with egg mayonnaise, tuna and tomato ketchup.
– Salt liquorice.
– The film ‘Bad Boy Bubby.’
The worst advice I ever read in a newspaper was to do with a form of sex and cornflakes. It was in one of those so-called edgy papers that just wanted to be, well, edgy.
Best headline ever though – ‘Alien Love Slime Ruined My Petunias’
…Not sure what Daisy would have made of all that!!!!!
Brilliant post and great to see a selection of comments!!!!
Salt licorice? Sounds intriguing. Yet to run into it but I like the sound of it. True, only daquiris (can never spell that) should have a heavy association with ice. It’s getting to be rent a goat herd season around here. These are your basic eat anything thug goats. I watched a heard of a couple dozen or so eat an entire lot of Scotch broom and blackberry brambles. Amazing. Thank you!