Fantasy, Short Fiction

(97) The Pygmy Unicorn and The Effluvium: A Feeble Fable of the Fantasmagorical By Leila Allison


I was finished with writing Feeble Fables until I got the greenlight to produce anything I wanted to occupy numbers 96 to 102 in my story list. That meant seven, which is an ugly number when you have only three. Although I had informed the Union governing the Fictional Characters in my realm, who act various roles in my productions, that the Feeble Fable “Franchise” was at quits, (much to their collective apathy, and sniggering over my use of “Franchise”), in a stunning display of diplomacy on my part, I negotiated with the Shop Stewards came away with the cooperation necessary to produce enough Feeble Fables to fill in the empty slots.

Never underestimate the awesome power of bribery.

The Unicorn and the Effluvium: A Feeble Fable of the Fantasmagorical

The Players

The Pygmy Unicorn: Miss Daisy Cloverleaf, Pygmy Goatess (Shop Steward)

The Effluvium: ………………………………………….Renfield (Venal Imaginary Friend)

The Voice of Denial:…………………Maab the Photobomb Fairie (Shop Steward)

The Voice of Rage: ..Poppyseed the Hummingbird (Shop Steward, Emeritus)

The Voice of Indifference:… Boots The Impaler, Siamese Cat (Shop Steward)

The Voice of The Other Cheek: …Flo the Trade Rat (Shop Steward Emeritus)

Himself: …………….Pie-Eyed Peety the PDQ Pilsner Pigeon (Shop Steward)

Kane: ……………………………………………………………………..Leila Allison

Act One

One sunshiny spring morning, Daisy the Pygmy Unicorn carried a heavy heart to her beloved flower patch in the meadow–which she dutifully fertilized with a quick evacuation of glitter out her butt. All was well in the meadow, but Daisy couldn’t forget her despair because she had overheard someone say “There goes that little goat with the paper mache horn glued to her head,” back in the barnyard.

Act Two

Daisy plopped down in the patch and instantly crushed tiny tendrils of fledgling clover to death. Her heart was filled with woe. Then voices began to speak in her head.

“They weren’t walking about you, Sweetheart,” said the Voice of Denial. “Maybe they were talking about all the other Pygmy Goats who have paper mache horns glued to their heads.”

“Like hell, they weren’t talking about you,” said The Voice of Rage, “I say you go back and cleanse the barnyard.”

“I might be willing to help do that…depends how I feel after my nap,” said The Voice of Indifference.

“Now, now, little friend, if you identify as a Pygmy Unicorn, then you are one in the eyes of the Law,” said the Voice of Other Cheek.

Of all the Voices, Daisy identified with The Voice of Rage best.

Act Three

Daisy was plotting her revenge when the Effluvium Spirit who enhanced the scent of flowers came by.

“What you need, little friend, is an attitude adjustment,” said The Effluvium. The Spirit then activated the magic that lay in a nearby field of poppies and urged the scent on Daisy. This caused Daisy to forget all about her sadness. And she went home to the barnyard and spent the rest of the day smiling as she rolled, rolled, rolled in zee hay.

The Amoral As Spoken By Pie-Eyed Peety the PDQ Pilsner Pigeon:

“Squ-wack–Thee Who Smelt* it Dealt It.”

(*Sorry, Hugh)

Allison, Leila

6 thoughts on “(97) The Pygmy Unicorn and The Effluvium: A Feeble Fable of the Fantasmagorical By Leila Allison”

  1. Hi Leila,
    What can I say – Anyone who uses a Terry Garr quote from Young Frankenstein is a friend for life!
    She had some absolute belters in the film but lets be honest, they all had some cracking lines to work with!!
    Oh – It’s more Diane who has the smelt issue – That and panties.
    I’m the two slang Scottish words that begin with ‘F’ for female genitalia and ‘J’ for excrement.
    I can’t even bring myself to type them due to their ridiculousness!!
    …Loved how you gave them all a part in this story!!
    But Daisy stole the show!!


    1. You gave me the idea to have Peety to converse only with what he has heard in the movies (though he didn’t quote it, the amoral has been in lots of slob coms–Hollywood Knights, etc). For a time he just said random stuff–not anymore. Thank you!


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