Life has hammered me.
I take another drink and lean over my balcony.
Balcony, that’s a fuckin’ laugh, it’s the breadth of my two feet and the stink from that clatty bastard two doors down makes me gag. They’ve a wee Jack Russell that they allow to shit on the balcony instead of taking him a walk. The wee soul needs to climb up a shit mountain to take another shit. When he’s having a crap I can look him in the fucking eyes.
That cunt is one lucky bastard. He wis on on my to do list, not the dug, that clatty bastard Malky. I wis going to drown him in that pile of shit as soon as I worked out how to get away with it.
Anyhow, as I wis saying, every fucking thing that could go wrong has. I worked shit jobs. Fuck me, shit seems to be a theme. She got fed up and started shagging my brother. I did time for that and when I was liberated – What a fucking word – Liberated. I know I have man-tits but I have no fucking bra to burn, I was housed in this fucking toilet of a maisonette. I always thought maisonette sounded so exotic. Maybe there are exotic ones, in California or wherever. In this fuckin’ scheme, no so much. They are balanced though. I’ve the smell of piss from the stairwells balanced with the dog shit from Clatty Cunt.
Jobs dried up for me. I’ve a record for attempted murder of my brother and I resent that. It wasn’t attempted, it would have been successful if those Polis bastards hadn’t tasered me. Fucking pussies. I can still hear them:
‘Let him go! Take your hands from his throat or we will taser you!’
Fair play to them, they did do whit they said.
I ended up on the flair doing the voltage break dance and I’m sure one of them kicked me in the hawmaws. I think it was that wee cunt whose nose I broke a few years back. Fair enough, he wis entitled.
I’ve hud a wee drink the day.
Eight haufs in an you don’t feel like a cunt, you actually can thole the world. I’d love to huv lived all my life eight haufs in. And the night, it’ll only be eight haufs as I need tae get some tuna.
Daughter Bitch. She told me she hated me but she’d do one last thing for me. I’ve got to be honest, I was hoping for a few quid but NO!!!! The last thing she did for me wis get me a kitten and told me that if I named it, she might think about giving me a phone-call every now and then.
I wis so close to saying fuck it and telling her to fuck off and then Attila climbed onto my shoulders. The wee cunt bit ma ear but in a weird way I sort of appreciated that.
…Fuck knows whit she wis thinking, I mean, a fucking kitten!
I cannae kill that cunt anymore, the shit balcony prick. Daughter Bitch told me she wouldnae look after Attila, she’d droon him. And she wid, she takes her cuntiness aff her mither. I’m a saint compared to that Pyscho Bitch.
So I need to go to the Pakki’s. He’s a gid cunt, he’ll gie me some tick tae get some food for the wee man, nae mair drink for me cause the shitty wee bastard needs litter and I’ll no take the piss wae Donald.
I need tae dae somethin’.
Fuck it, I’m complaining to the cooncil aboot the Shit Balcony Cunt and if the wee dug gets taken aff him, I’ll get him fae the pound.
Fearty Cunt willnae come near me and the wee dug fuckin’ hates him.
I think him and Attila will get oan fine.
Image – author.
literally stories 
The visual of the increasing “pile” on the deck below is as a revoltingly hideous yet hilarious an image as this mind has pondered in a very very long time. I also appreciate the subtle touch that occurs when the MC mentions his girl and his brother and doing “time for it,” but holds back a bit, then goes deeper into the situation later. This was very effective and gave depth to this short piece. Too often you see a short burst work and it comes off like a list, not a weave like this one. And I also still admire the way your people come off defiant even in defeat. There’s something about their Fuck You reaction to their dehumanizing existences that makes them human.
LA
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Hi Leila,
Thanks so much for the in-depth comments.
I have no more stories in the site larder. There is one I have that just needs an edit and then hopefully an approval. I’m not sure though, the structure is a bit different and I’m not sure if it works.
Just as an aside, I had never come across a maisonette until I worked for a draft-proofing firm. I found the whole idea a bit weird. It was a flat but had two floors and the front door was out the back. To get access to the back / front door you had to go up steps that were in the inside and then out a door to the back where the back / front doors were. I think the architect who came up with this idea had dropped a few too many tabs in their time!!
Hugh
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Interesting piece. I have a neighbor who does the same thing with his dog and their deck. I guess “All fiction is truth.”
An eye opener for a Monday.
Thanks, Hugh.
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Hi Ed,
See my answer to Leila. It was working that job that I also came across the balcony toilet scenario.
Thanks so much for the read and comment – Much appreciated my friend.
All the very best.
Hugh
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Good flash fiction. The inner dialogue creates a believable character in few words. Some of the dialect reminded me of studying Chaucer all those years ago. Come to think of it, this might fit nicely in Canterbury Tales.
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Hi Dave,
It’s always a pleasure to read your comments.
I think I did an ‘Interpretation’ question on Chaucer at school but none of it stuck!
Not much stuck regarding ‘Of Mice And Men’, ‘1984’ or ‘Macbeth’. Although mind numbing boredom comes to mind!
All the very best my friend.
Hugh
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oof. was happy to read about this than to live about this . . . thanks for posting! (best part were reading all the “ae” endings.
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Hi Ivan,
Thanks so much for your time and comments.
I do need to watch the colloquialism as it can be a wee bit off-putting. It is so handy having Diane around as she advises me if the accent is too thick.
Thanks again my friend.
Hugh
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😉 colloquialism at its finest . . . carry on!
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A lot of folks who have trouble with people can relate to animals, he’s had his share of troubles. An animal doesn’t cheat on you. “I need to do something,” he says, that’s the key line for me, he’s going through the proper channels, and he’s decided not to kill the dog. Not the dog’s fault, for sure. A tentatively optimistic ending!
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Hi Harrison,
I’m never happy if a kid likes me and I’m very sad if an animal doesn’t!
I liked the idea in this that the kitten saved him and he saved the dog.
Thanks as always my friend, I enjoy your take on all the stories, not just mine.
Hugh.
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Having taken a break from fiction, I’m glad to return to one of your stories. Grim, in a good way, as ever!
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Hi Stefan,
Thanks as always.
‘Grim, in a good way’ is a compliment I will take any day of the week!
All the very best my friend.
Hugh
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“I know I have man-tits but I have no fucking bra to burn” – Hah! I really enjoyed this piece. The narrator’s voice, dialect, and attitude painted such a visual image of him. I really like the idea that the kitten is the thing that held him back from doing an unspeakable thing.
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Hi Joy,
It’s great to see you around the site and I’m looking forward to your story.
Thanks so much for the kind comments. Cats and dogs do save us from ourselves but I sometimes wonder how a person who could be swayed either way reacts when there wee pal isn’t there anymore. I think that should be the premise for an advert for animal shelters. ‘Keep two so you always have one!’
Hope to read more of your stories (And comments) very soon!!
Hugh
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