New Year’s Eve
Every year has its angel. And don’t make the mistake of believing each angel is a good one. For in any age, there are only half as many good angels as there might be, and twice as many wicked angels as there should be. And even this estimation fails to take into account the ambivalent angels that can feebly preside over a year, and in so doing, cause more grief and discontent than any legion of demons.
It is always on the last evening of each year that the new angel assigned to the new year arrives to acquaint itself with the world over which it will hold sway for 365 days. And so it was on December 31st, 1912, when The Angel of 1913 arrived in town.
The streets were cold and foggy, and the snow, so fresh and white two days ago, was hard and grey. The Angel of 1913 sat in Morrey’s Diner with a cup of coffee, having just finished dinner. He smoked a cigar, and watched a river of souls walk past the steamy window. He wore a freshly pressed suit with a red silk tie.
The Angel of 1913 was notable among angels. Some angels denied that he was an angel at all. A mere imp, some said. Or a fallen angel, perhaps. But The Angel of 1913 didn’t give a damn what other angels said. He ignored the gossip of cherubs.
For a few moments, he’d been aware of his waitress standing at the counter watching him. This happened frequently. Over the millennia, he’d become used to his power over humans. He relit his cigar. The ember sizzled and glowed bright as a furnace. He deeply inhaled a mouthful of smoke, and made a show of it for her. It disappeared into his undying and incalculable lungs, and he exhaled far more than he’d taken in. It was a Vesuvius of cigar smoke and misty wraiths. The waitress shrieked, and disappeared into the kitchen.
He laughed at this, and in doing so, almost missed sight of a rough looking character with a battered backpack walking down the street past the diner window. There was an air of failure and homelessness about the woman. But there was something else as well; something difficult to define that interested The Angel of 1913. And though it was still 1912, and he had little power over the events of the remaining year, he thought he’d use what power he did have to cause some mischief.
He stood up, snuffing out his cigar in the remaining mound of mashed potatoes on his plate. A silver dollar appeared from nowhere in his hand, and he let it drop into the remains of his meal. It made a sloppy plopping sound in the congealing gravy that made him smile. He put on his overcoat, and exited.
The Angel of 1913 walked quickly, staying a few paces behind the backpack woman. What a coup it would be to cause pain and suffering before his year had even begun. He finally caught up at an intersection where a traffic cop presided. There, he stopped next to the woman and said, “Hell of a New Year’s Eve, eh?”
“All the same to me,” said the woman, looking straight ahead.
“Sleeping rough, are you?”
“Maybe. You got some spare change to help me out?”
The Angel of 1913 chose that moment to look down at the curb, and the woman did the same. A twenty dollar bill had somehow appeared there without her noticing. It was unlike her streetwise eye to miss such a rare prize. The Angel of 1913 stepped on the bill, and said, “I saw it first.”
“Fine,” said the woman, looking away. She bit her lip as a familiar spasm of failure travelled through her belly. It merged with the ever-present hunger pangs to create a vicious light-headedness.
“But I’ll tell you what…”
“What?” said the woman.
“I’ll take my foot off of the twenty, and you can pick it up. It’ll be all yours. That means a couple week’s worth of room and board and a little hooch, all for you.”
“Okay,” said the woman, and she began to bend down to take the bill.
“Or,” said The Angel of 1913, not moving his foot, “you can take a chance on what’s in my right hand pants pocket right now. Before you decide, though, I should tell you that I often carry far more than twenty dollars in this pocket – far, far more, my friend – enough, perhaps, to make you comfortable for all of 1913. However, I feel that I’m equally obligated to inform you that I just had a splendid meal that set me back some considerable amount. (This was a lie, of course.) There’s a chance that I don’t have much of anything in my pocket at all. You can play it safe and take the twenty now, or gamble on what you can’t see. The twenty under my shoe, or all the money, whatever the amount, concealed in my pocket.”
“You’re nuts. Just let me have the twenty.”
“Are you sure, Maxine?”
“Hey, how the hell you know my name?”
“It’s New Year’s Eve, Maxine. A night of magic and miracles. A night when angels might descend from on high, and change the luck of a down-and-outer like you.”
“You a cop?” said the woman.
“I can assure you that I am not,” said The Angel of 1913.
“You want sex?”
“My goodness, no.”
“Because I ain’t for sale.”
Maxine looked down at the twenty dollar bill. It was a lot of dough, by her standards. But maybe this crackpot did have a wad in his pocket. Maybe this was a night when something good could happen. She looked up again at the man standing there, and licked her lips. Then she ran her finger under her nose and sniffed. “You do this stuff all the time, mister?”
“Sometimes,” said The Angel of 1913.
“Based on your experience, what are my chances?”
“Chances are you will always find life to be unpredictable.”
“That ain’t much of an answer.”
“That traffic cop has changed the direction of traffic twice now during our exchange, Maxine. I hope our business here can be completed before it changes again.”
Maxine felt her pack’s shoulder strap digging in. It was painful, a disheartening pain. A pain that made the night seem colder, wetter, darker. In her mind, she attempted to calculate the impossible. Could she cash in on what was in this man’s pocket? Could he be a good-hearted trickster ready to commit an act of charity? She looked him in the face, and The Angel of 1913 smiled a bland, confident smile.
“Okay,” she said. “Forget the twenty. I’ll take the cash in your pocket, every damn dime.” Maxine held out her hand. “C’mon,” she said. “Give.”
The smile on The Angel of 1913’s face grew broader, and he pulled his clenched fist out of his pocket. It could have concealed a hundred dollars, or a thousand. She waited for the fist to open. And when it did, Maxine felt a familiar spasm in her gut. In the palm of the man’s hand was a nickel and two pennies.
“Shit,” she said.
The Angel of 1913 bent down, and picked up the twenty.
“How do I know that’s all you got in your pocket, buddy?” said Maxine.
“I’m a Gentleman,” he said. “You have my word.”
“It’s just stupid bad luck. Isn’t it, Maxine?”
“You made a bet – you took a risk – and you lost. It’s just too bad.”
“Hang on,” said Maxine. “You’re nuts. That wasn’t no bet. I didn’t lose a damn thing. In fact, I’m up seven cents.”
“Well, that is entirely the wrong attitude.”
“Look, mister, you might have all the money in the world and look real swell in your snazzy duds, but you got no business telling me I got a bad attitude. Now fork over my seven cents. I can get a bowl of soup with that.” Her belly growled at the thought.
The Angel of 1913 didn’t like the way this was unfolding. He’d hoped his little trick would have helped to demoralise this woman. Instead she stood there talking about soup, and how his seven cents could buy some. Perhaps he’d miscalculated. He wrapped his tight fist round the nickel and two pennies.
“How ‘bout we try this,” he said. “I’ll…”
“You’ll do nothing, mister,” said Maxine. “Not a damn thing ‘cept hand over my seven cents. ‘Cause if you don’t, I’m gonna scream blue bloody murder and that traffic cop is gonna come on over, and I’m gonna tell him you mistook me for a women of ill fame.”
“Ill fame?” said The Angel of 1913. “Mistook you for…? My dear woman, have you looked in a mirror lately?”
“Fine,” Maxine said. She took a deep breath of air, as though she were preparing to yell very loudly.
“Wait,” he said, who had yet to receive the advantage of all his powers over the world – the powers that would be bestowed on him a tick after midnight on New Year’s Day. Until then, he was restricted to what were, in his estimation, mere parlour tricks, like the conjuring of coins and bank notes, and the correct guessing of people’s names. Dissuading a dutiful cop from rescuing a shabby woman in distress might be beyond him at this point.
He looked across the street at a bank. Its ostentatious clock read 6:29 p.m. He was still five and a half hours away from full influence over Earthly goings-on. He had a thought.
“How would you like to double your money?” he said. “Turn seven cents into fourteen. That’s two bowls of soup.”
“I just need one, mister.”
“Well now, isn’t that just the sort of thinking that keeps a good woman down?”
“You’re too tricky for me, fella. But you owe me seven cents. Now give.”
“Okay, okay,” said The Angel of 1913. He held a pacifying hand in the air. And with that hand, he produced another twenty dollar bill out of thin air. “How would you like another crack at one of these?”
Her patience was wearing thin. The cop in the centre of the intersection blew his whistle, and encouraged the traffic through. It occurred to her then to simply walk away. Even if she could get the cop’s attention, she’d been sleeping at missions for weeks. She was grubby, and the sort of person the cops loved to run off the street and put in the clink. The twenty in the man’s hand seemed to glow. And a gust of icy wind blew up the sidewalk. The twenty could buy a lot of comfort.
“Alright,” she said. “What’s the gimmick this time?”
“Do you like riddles?” said The Angel of 1913, with a greasy smile.
“Hate ‘em,” Maxine said.
“Well here’s the gimmick,” said The Angel of 1913. “I ask you a riddle. If you answer it correctly, you get the twenty. Answer it wrong, and you still get the seven cents.”
“Okay, fine. Hit me.”
“Alright, listen carefully. The riddle is this: It has hands but no fingers. It tocks but says nothing. What is it?”
“It talks, but says nothing,” Maxine said.
“Yes,” said The Angel of 1913, tapping his well-heeled foot. “It tocks but says nothing. Do hurry; I have tickets for the stage.”
“Hmm,” said Maxine, putting her finger on her chin. “What talks and says nothing?”
“That’s the riddle, my dear. Can you answer it or not?”
“Give me a minute.”
“You don’t have forever. We can’t stand here all night. Time’s a wasting. C’mon, c’mon.”
Just then the bank clock across the street rang the half hour.
“Hey,” said Maxine. “Do you mean talk or tock? Like as in tick-tock.”
“Well…” said The Angel of 1913, looking sheepish.
“Which is it?”
“Must I answer the riddle for you?” he said.
“No, but I think you’re cheating. Talk or tock? Fess up.”
“Do you accuse me of cheating?” said The Angel of 1913. “Me? How dare you?”
“Fine. We’ll do another riddle.”
“The hell we will,” Maxine said. “Talk or tock? Come clean.”
Had he miscalculated? Maxine was obviously no great intellect, but she was proving that she wasn’t simple either. Perhaps he should have given the riddle more thought before asking it. But it had worked before. He’d been asking the same riddle since the invention of the mechanical clock. There was something tediously assertive about this awful woman. So, what now? What could be worse than surrendering the twenty dollar bill to this unwashed trollop? What could be worse than conceding? He never had. For a second, he thought about pushing her into traffic. But he was unsure if he could get away with it before midnight came. She might put up a fight.
“Well,” Maxine said. “I’m waiting.”
“I’m calling off the bet,” said The Angel of 1913.
“I already have.”
“Then give me my seven cents.”
“Absolutely not,” said The Angel of 1913. “You were only to receive the seven cents if you lost the bet. You didn’t lose the bet because I called the bet off. Therefore, no seven cents.”
“You cheated,” said Maxine.
“I most certainly did not. I’m incapable of cheating.” It was a lie.
“Then I want another chance,” Maxine said. “And this time, I ask the riddle.”
He frowned and thought for a moment. Then he tried to read her mind, but all he got were bits and pieces. A broken vase and burnt eggs. This would be a challenge. He hated challenges. He liked to win. But he couldn’t turn and run now. It would be admitting defeat. It would be undignified.
“Very well,” he said. “But let’s up the ante, and make it a real bet.” He bent over and picked up a candy bar wrapper from the sidewalk. Then he closed his fist round it, and when his fist opened again, the wrapper had morphed into a large roll of bills held tight with an elastic band. “There’s ten thousand dollars here. What have you got to put up?”
“Nothin’,” said Maxine.
“You might have something,” said The Angel of 1913, smiling his greasy smile.
“Something you may have never considered risking.”
“Mister, all I ever had I left behind in a shack on a dead and dusty plot of land in Manitoba.”
“Then consider this,” he said. “If you win, if you can ask a riddle I cannot answer, you get the ten thousand. If you lose, I will take from you everything you ever were, and more. There won’t be enough of you left to deliver to the infirmary, or even for a priest to offer last rights.”
“You are crazy,” said Maxine.
Hearing this, The Angel of 1913 reached out and tightly clasped Maxine’s hand. He hissed: “Don’t count on it.” Eyes dead and colourless now, all humour gone from his face. His teeth sharp for a second, like those of a dog. Somehow, from somewhere, a choir of deep lament, a chorus of anguish and defeat. And there was the smell of something burning.
“Let go,” said Maxine, pulling free. She stumbled backward a few steps, and looked at the man. He’d become a grinning dandy again, but the burning smell lingered.
“Since this has turned so serious, mister,” she said. “I have one condition that I want understood. By that clock across the street, you answer my riddle in sixty seconds. That’s one minute, got it?”
“That’s acceptable,” said The Angel of 1913. He smiled, self-assured. “Do you have your riddle ready?”
“I think I do,” said Maxine. Her belly growled again. Ten thousand dollars would buy a lot of soup. She could sleep on clean sheets, and take the tram where she liked. Maybe for the rest of her life. “Here we go,” she said. “My riddle is this: Every room I enter is empty, in spite of my presence. What am I?”
“Yup,” said Maxine. “And you now have fifty-eight seconds.”
“Why that’s easy, it’s…”
“Oh, stop that,” he said. “It’s annoying.”
“You enter a room and it’s empty, in spite of you being there. Ha, you’re a ghost. That was so easy!”
“Not so fast, mister. It ain’t a ghost. It’s something you don’t know anything about, so you ain’t never gonna guess it right.”
“Not a ghost? Then, hmm. Then the fog, of course. You’re the fog. The room is empty, but there you are.”
“Nope,” said Maxine.
“Well will you at least tell me if I’m warm?” said The Angel of 1913.
“Not a chance,” Maxine said. “And times runnin’ out.”
“I wonder if you’re not the one cheating this time,” he said. “Maybe you’re all riddle and no answer.”
“Something I know nothing about, is it? That certainly narrows it down. But what’s the point if I don’t know about it?”
“Tick-tock, tick-tock,” said Maxine.
The Angel of 1913 was starting to worry. No one had ever asked him a riddle he couldn’t answer. Over the centuries, they’d asked him complex, esoteric riddles. The more complex and esoteric, the easier they were to answer. But this riddle was so simple. Every room I enter is empty, in spite of my presence.
He had a thought, and tried his luck at slowing the clock. But it didn’t work. His full powers on Earth were still hours away. He cleared his mind and focussed …empty, in spite of my presence; …empty, in spite of my presence.
Finally, Maxine said: “Five seconds, mister.”
“I have it!” said The Angels of 1913. “I have it, and now you’re mine, you infuriating little bitch. I’ll make you suffer, I will.”
“Air!” he said. ” …empty, in spite of my presence. It’s air. I have you now.”
“Nope,” said Maxine. “You ain’t got jack shit.”
“Then what is it?” he said. “Every room I enter is empty, in spite of my presence. Tell me what it is, or I’ll throttle you!”
“Hunger,” said Maxine. “I told you you knew nothing about it, and I was right. That’s why it didn’t even occur to you.”
“Surely it’s too metaphorical! It was a trick. You tricked me. I’m calling off the bet.”
“Can’t. I played by the rules. Now hand over the cash.”
“Do you know who I am?” said The Angel of 1913 in a last-ditch effort to intimidate. “Do you know how bad I can make things for you throughout the year to come?”
“Worse than what you see now?” said Maxine, as she reached out and took the wad of bills from his hand. “I don’t think so.”
She removed the elastic band with a snap, and began to count. There were too many hundreds, fifties and twenties to get through, but she had an idea that it was all there. “Thanks,” she said, and smiled.
The Angel of 1913 watched, slack jawed, as Maxine waited for the traffic cop to wave her through. Then she crossed the street and disappeared into the dark, wet city.
Header photograph: By Trueman, Richard H. [Public domain or Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons