A Lost Cause by Adam Kluger

“Alfred,

Thanks for letting us see your work…
I’m afraid we are unable to offer you publication in Pushing Down the Daisies magazine.”

” Hi Rudolf…Thanks for the kind and quick reply. Submitting two pieces of fiction (The Pencil-Pusher & The Rain Washed His Underwear Clean) and some artwork that perhaps, might be a better fit for Pushing Down the Daisies. Best regards, Alfred…”

“…sorry we dont publish fiction at all…”

Hey Rudolf–
I know you must be thinking that’s it–that’s the final correspondence, thankfully, with Ol’ Alfred Klumpner.
Surely, he would not persist in trying to get any more of his work accepted by Pushing Down the Daisies Magazine.
Surely, he has some sense of decorum or pride.
Actually, Rudolf–quite like Bartebly– rather than slink quietly from the stage — I prefer not to.
I leave you finally with No More Garden Weasels (attached) a collection of lyrical prose musings written on elevators years ago. May they vibrate within your in-pile like the tell-tale heart…may they crawl onto your computer like the monkey’s claw…
Seriously, though… hope you like em– and if not… that’s ok too!
Best!
Alf

hey alfred, youre welcome to try submitting any time.
just realise we get 1000s of submissions a week – and we dont read
attachments or publish fiction.
& we only publish poetry we like.
its easy…
hope to hear from you.
Rudolf

Here I am again!
You know Rudolf–I get it– you don’t like attachments– and I really don’t like brussel sprouts… two peas in a pod!
Also, if my dad’s sperm was intimidated by long odds –we wouldn’t be having this conversation…lastly, I used to have a mouse in my old apartment named Ruprecht–now that’s kismet, my friend!
This all said– I present you with the embedded version of No More Garden Weasels–lyrical prose musings that will haunt your dreams like Nosferatu on a moonlit night…
Enjoy!
But beware: Itchy Nose, Orange Juice and The Humming Song among others…if you have a soul…they may rip it to shreds and then stuff it in a pickle jar.
Your new pal across the pond
Alfred Klumpner
ps- the poems get progressively stronger and stronger—it is best to be sitting down with a glass of scotch on the rocks and some discordant jazz in the background–and perhaps a scantily clad, good (or bad) woman on your lap (optional) if you attempt to read them all in one sitting.

NO MORE GARDEN WEASELS
80 lyrical prose musings written in an elevator
By Alfred Klumpner

Hey Alfred

im sorry i dont have time to wade thru 80 poems.
please just cut & paste 4 or 5 poems as a submission in an email.
it’s easy. it’s how Pulling Down the Daisies Magazine works.

say hi to ruprecht.

R

“Thanks, Rudolf:

Below are those 4 or 5 poems you requested…hope you like the first one I just wrote right now….and guess who inspired it…

1. For Rudolf (It’s Easy- It’s How It Works)

It’s easy
it’s how it works
that’s what
Ruprecht that rat once
told me before I left our little flat
and became a man with big plans
It’s easy
It’s how it works
That’s what my oldest friend told me as he
showed me where to push his wheelbarrow full of cash
It’s easy
it’s how it works
That’s exactly what Wally the water bug said
Right before I squashed him
with my
slipper.

hi Alfred

sorry but weve decided not to publish these.
we get 1000s of submissions a week, so it’s a pretty high rejection rate im afraid
take care
R

Hey Rud-i-Mentary:
Thousands of awful poems every week–yeesh! 
Sounds dreadful.
Let me help matters by submitting four good poems to cleanse the palate –get rid of that bad taste in your mouth…the last one is sort of an homage to Charles Bukowski.

will take a look.
afraid i dont like bukowski at all tho.
R

…

Adam Kluger

Header photograph: By Jerzystrzelecki (Own work) [CC BY 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons