Big Benny Brailsford was slumped on the couch with a can of lager. More in hope than expectation, he was zapping the TV channels with the remote, it being The Early Evening Viewing Desert. He eventually settled on one of those antiques programmes. The expert on the TV was riffling through some old duffer’s collection of football memorabilia. The collection included an early F.A. Cup Final programme, which the expert reckoned was worth five hundred to eight hundred quid.
Benny’s mind was a coiled spring, awaiting only the release of a mention of easy money. That old git, Andy Somethin’ with the farty dog, had a 1946 Cup Final programme. He’d bored on about the cup programme a couple of times in the pub: the only occasion the local team, Derby County, had ever been cup-winners. Andy Somethin’s dad had been there at the match and passed the programme onto his infant son.
Benny went into the bedroom where he kept his secret stash. He’d once been an apprentice mechanic and now made a bit of money servicing and repairing old cars seized by the local loan shark, before they were sent to the auction mart. There was a hundred and twenty seven quid – should be enough. He considered and discounted raiding Gloria’s handbag. That hadn’t worked out well last time.
As he headed out the front door, he shouted to Gloria in the kitchenette, ‘Off to The Ram’s Head for a couple of pints. See you later…’ Gloria shook her head as she bent down to empty the washing machine.
#
Andy Boulton and Hector the labrador shuffled arthritically up Sevastopol Road to The Rams Head, at the top of the hill. Andy remembered it from back in the days before the bowling green was turned into the car park. It wasn’t up to much these days – hadn’t been the same since the foundry closed – but it was Andy’s ‘local’ and he saw no reason to change. There were only a half a dozen people in the public bar. Andy ordered his ‘usual,’ a pint of bitter, a packet of cheese ‘n onion crisps, and a bowl of water for Hector the dog. Before he could pay, Big Benny came up to the bar: ‘Let me get that, Andy. I’ve been waiting for you to come in. I need a word with you: let’s grab a table.’
Andy wasn’t keen to comply, but he knew about Benny’s reputation, so he and Hector followed Benny to a corner table.
Benny waited for Andy to take a swig of his beer before he laid out his cards. ‘Andy, I’ve been thinking about that Cup Final programme of yours. I want to get my Gloria a special present, for her next birthday.’
‘She a footie fan??’
‘Not really, no. But you see, her grandad was in the team that day. She loved her grandad – he brought her up. It’s sentimental, see?’ Benny was quite pleased with this story, but there was something tasteless about his cheeriness, like a joy-ride in a hearse.
‘Eh? Who was her grandad?’
Benny hadn’t elaborated the tale that far. He took a long swig of his lager. He wasn’t a big fan himself, but everyone in Derby knew a few of those team names. Eventually, he settled on Dally Duncan. He couldn’t remember which position Duncan had played, just the memorable name.
‘Mm. Dally Duncan. D’ya wanna sell? I don’t mind paying over the odds. Not for Gloria’s special day.’
Andy considered. One day, he’d planned to pass the beloved heirloom onto his son, Kenneth. But Kenneth was living in Dubai and not much interested in football. Not much interested in his dad either. He could do with some cash to put towards a new boiler before the winter set in. ‘What price do you reckon would be over the odds?’
‘Thirty quid.’ Benny pulled out his wallet, a practised gesture to demonstrate his good intentions.
Andy was cautious. ‘It’s a collector’s item, Benny. I think I could get more than that if I advertised it in the paper.’
‘OK. You got me, Andy. I’ll make it sixty. You have a think while I get us another round.’
As well as Andy’s pint and his own, Benny brought back two whiskies “to celebrate the deal.” When he returned he could smell the farty dog. Benny was surprisingly fastidious about smells, but he pretended not to notice. ‘Well, whadya reckon? Sixty eh..?’
But Andy held out for a hundred. He reckoned later that he might’ve got more, but he could see Big Benny’s earlier bonhomie was a thing of rags and tatters. Once they’d shaken on it, Benny immediately drank up and marched Andy and the dog down the road to fetch the programme.
#
The next morning, Benny was up early and heading into the town centre. There was a funny little shop on the Mackworth Road that sold football memorabilia and assorted other junk. When Benny was a kid, it had been a stamp shop. Looking in the window, Benny smiled at the memory: surely, nobody collected stamps these days? He recalled an early Bond film where the villain had carried a few precious rare stamps in his wallet, always ready for a quick getaway. That villain wouldn’t get very far away with those stamps now.
The ex-philatelist still owned the shop. Benny carefully took the programme out of the transparent plastic bag for the old man to examine. ‘The ’46 Final eh? Well, I could probably sell that in the shop alright, if you’re not asking too much for it.’
‘Eight hundred quid. There was another early Cup Final programme on the telly last night, valued at eight hundred quid.’
The old man sighed and carefully turned the pages. ‘Those antiques tv programmes… they give the trade a lot of grief… This one’s badly creased; it’s worn at the edges. The centre pages with the team-sheets have been scribbled over. AND it’s got rusty staples – just look at the rust staining! Terrible condition, sentimental value only: twenty five quid.’
Banner Image: football smashing into the goal net
Post image: 1947 Cup tie programme between Derby County and Charlton Athletic. Old programme with a goal net and the words Final Tie and the team names. – Google Images.
literally stories 
For me Benny’s character is the central theme of the story. He’s not too bright, impulsive, and easily influenced, it’s a funny and ironic story because Benny’s intending to exploit Andy and his own greed comes back to bite him. Everything rings true, including Benny’s con about Gloria’s grandpa. I can just hear him spinning that yarn like “a joy ride in a hearse.” Today I guess Benny could try selling the stamps online he he. And I like the way Andy perceives the “Rams Head” his long time local pub.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Harrison, you are clearly a person of taste and discrimination, because I remember being quietly proud of that phrase ‘joyriding in a hearse.’ Thanks for commenting! mick
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Mick,
Excellent writing as we have come to expect from your good self!!
One line has made me think and change my mind on the meaning of it a few times over.
‘Andy was cautious’ – This could mean that Andy thought it was worth more. Or it could mean that Andy knew exactly what it was worth but didn’t want to be seen to be too enthusiastic.
I reckon he knew. If that shop was in the town where he lived, I’m sure he would have had it checked out.
If this is the case you did a brilliant job in conveying Andy’s own con.That is a cracking piece of miss-direction.
All the very best my fine friend.
Hugh
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hugh, confession time. Your interpretation of ‘Andy was cautious’ is wonderful and I’m very tempted to take the compliment. But alas I never thought of that at the time. Anyway, thanks for an excellent comment. Sorry I havent been commenting on pieces recently – i.t. problems (sent from Doreen’s laptop). mick
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Mick,
No need to apologise and my compliment stands. I’ve always said, if a story goes a different way in a readers head, then that is all good, it gives it another or should I say different life.
I wrote one called ‘Chicken’ and anyone who commented,looked at a different way than what I had meant – I was honestly delighted!!!
All the very best my fine friend.
Hugh
LikeLike
Hugh, replying to your second post, out of sequence, due to some quirk of wordpress that I’ve failed to master. just wanted to say that I went to look at your ‘Chicken’ story and marvelled at your command of dialogue. I reckon all-dialogue prose is the most difficult type of story to write. Thanks for drawing my attention to it. bw Mick
LikeLiked by 1 person
Mick
Great comeuppance story. I truly dislike people who appear on the Roadshow claiming to have basically stolen a valuable item from an unkowing party at a yard sale for fifty cents. It is sneaky and plain shitty.
This one is great fun and the banner in the header is probably worth a month’s salary.
Leila
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Leila and thanks Diane. I was gobsmacked when I saw the header. The programme is discoloured with age, just liked my own (passed onto a footie-mad great-nephew a couple of years ago). Lovely to see it again! mick
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are very welcome. I always get a bit of a buzz when I can find something so perfect.
LikeLiked by 2 people
A cracking little vignette! Well written as always and with a great punch at the end. Good end to the week!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Ha! thanks steven, glad you liked it. mick
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha! I think many of us have experienced the old ‘heirloom’ scenario whereby the horrible dish in the cupboard is rumoured to be worth a fortune only to find when we need the money that actually it’s just a horrible dish in the cupboard! This was a clever play on that with very visible and well drawn characters. I suppose Andy was the winner in this. It wasa fun read – thank you – dd
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thanks Diane. You’re right: andy could now afford a new boiler. And double thanks for the banner. mick
LikeLiked by 2 people
This was right up my street. I love working class stories set in pubs, especially with neat little twists at the end. This felt very Alan Sillitoe. Authentic narrative voice really helped it skip along.
I actually live in Derby and my wife and her family are all Rams, so I read this with a smile on my face as I imagined being sat on the next table over watching Benny try to swindle Andy.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow! another Rams fan! Never expected that. There were once several Derby pubs with bowling greens, all of them now carparks. So probably difficult for you to spot which one is the Rams Head. Fingers crossed for a win tomorrow at Hull. mick
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Mick!
Thanks for this story.
What I always deeply admire about your work is how well-done the whole thing is overall – the language usage, point of view, setting, dialogue, plot and all the elements always work together in concert to add up to a very high READABILITY factor. One gets the sense, reading your work, that here is an author who truly knows what he’s doing – a writer who’s studied and learned the art and craft of writing to its fullest and is now able to wield and yield the lessons he’s learned in prose that is supple, convincing, entertaining, knowing, and sly in a good way.
Also, your CHARACTERS ARE ALWAYS CONVINCING – the reader feels like he might meet up with these people somewhere down the street. They aren’t cardboard cutouts. Also, again, the SETTING in your work is always convincing – it feels real, and gives the reader a treat in the sense that one gets to see a land they may never have traveled to but have only imagined. Thanks for writing!
Dale
PS,
Just want to make sure you saw the interview I did with Leila that was published on April 13. Leila has many, many, many brilliant and fascinating things to say in this piece and I know you’ll enjoy it if you haven’t already had a chance to.
LikeLike
Dale, your comments are always kind and always appreciated, with sincere thanks, Mick
ps. re your ps., yes I read (and commented) on your interesting and engaging interview with Leila at the time, but I’m on a borrowed laptop at the moment and so have put off, for the time being, going through all the subsequent commentary. I hope to read it all properly next week. bw mick
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dale, a belated apology. I said back on the 25th, in reply to your ps. above, that I’d commented on your April 13th interview with Leila. I was mistaken, in fact, I’d commented on Leila’s post on April 12th. Sorry, terminally confused. And you’re quite right, Leila had many interesting and valuable things to say in the interview. bw Mick
LikeLiked by 1 person
Beautiful game, Mick. And a great own goal in extra time! all best, A.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha! I reckon football is a pretty good source for metaphors, Alex. As pensioners, we’re both playing extra time, but it’s still a beautiful game. bw Mick
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Mick!
Thanks for this story.
What I always deeply admire about your work is how well-done the whole thing is overall – the language usage, point of view, setting, dialogue, plot and all the elements always work together in concert to add up to a very high READABILITY factor. One gets the sense, reading your work, that here is an author who truly knows what he’s doing – a writer who’s studied and learned the art and craft of writing to its fullest and is now able to wield and yield the lessons he’s learned in prose that is supple, convincing, entertaining, knowing, and sly in a good way.
Also, your CHARACTERS ARE ALWAYS CONVINCING – the reader feels like he might meet up with these people somewhere down the street. They aren’t cardboard cutouts. Also, again, the SETTING in your work is always convincing – it feels real, and gives the reader a treat in the sense that one gets to see a land they may never have traveled to but have only imagined. Thanks for writing!
Dale
PS,
Just want to make sure you saw the interview I did with Leila that was published on April 13. Leila has many, many, many brilliant and fascinating things to say in this piece and I know you’ll enjoy it if you haven’t already had a chance to.
LikeLike
Always the tang of Real Life to your stories – wonderfully unstrained & without ornament, a quality hard to achieve; this goes for just about every single one of your 22 stories in the LS archive. Love that line “Benny’s earlier bonhomie was a thing of rags and tatters.”
Geraint
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Geraint! Pleased you liked it. And I love that phrase ‘the tang of Real Life’! mick
LikeLiked by 1 person
An entertaining and believable slice of life. What goes around, comes around as they say. Maybe Benny learned a lesson. Sounds like he did after swiping money from Gloria’s purse in the past.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, David. I think you’re right about Gloria: definitely a woman who can fight her corner. Mick
LikeLiked by 2 people
Always love your stories – such a great sense of character and such a ‘local’ feeling to them. This one is no exception and hugely entertaining. I love the idea of this slightly affable, but ultimately cavalier, lay-about chancer who through this slightly Dunning-Kruger-esque story gets his comeuppance.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks Paul – a comment that’s not just supportive, but also instructive! just googled the Dunning-Kruger Effect, which I’d never previously heard of. Turns out that my comments on football are a good example of the Dunning-Kruger Effect. bw Mick
LikeLike