A few totally random things have came to my mind this week and the first is a challenge.
I’m sick of phone fuckwits walking into me as they text or stare at their phones as they are walking along. I see them and refuse to move. I can be a bit of a tit and will probably one day get my heid kicked in, but what the hell – I’ll be happy to bleed for principle.
My challenge is simple this – All of you who have a phone, switch it off at midnight tonight and leave it off until midnight on Sunday. Give yourself a treat of your choice for every person that chaps your door to see that you are okay. For every person that doesn’t bother with you, bar their number. I think you will find that your contact list will be substantially reduced.
Second – My old nemesis, adverts continually annoy me, but there was one that got me thinking. Unlike some of our American Friends who are well aware of health insurance, we don’t pay for a service that is now on its knees. There was an advert for Private Medical Care and it stated that you would be guaranteed to see a specialist within three days. I’ve come to the conclusion what a specialist is. They are the people who get paid three times the amount of a Doctor to tell you are still fucked after the Doctor has already told you that.
Third – Why do most people like Pandas and I hate them. I love most of the Animal Kingdom and it is probably the fawning of humans that piss me off with Pandas. As far as I can tell, they do very little. Need to be wooed like a nun and fall down a lot.
…This may be a wee bit contentious (Is that the right word??) but I wonder what they taste like, fried with a few onions??
Fourth – Unlike number three, why do Chipmunks amuse??
Fifth – Cactus – Just why??
Sixth – This headline has been used twice before. You see Rangers got beat by Queens Park in The Scottish Cup and that should never have happened but the newspaper bastardised a headline from the year 2000 when Celtic got beat by Inverness Caledonian Thistle (I think that is the longest name in British football).And the headline was then stolen from a Liverpool game years back. I just love the play on words:
Super Cally Go Ballistic Celtic Are Atrocious.
Man!! – That just roles off the tongue.
Did you know that the whiter than white Julie Andrews did a topless scene in a film called S.O.B that had the brilliant Richard Mulligan in it? ‘Soap’ was probably my greatest ever TV experience. I keep trying to find it but can only access it on YouTube and it is grainy with a hundred adverts per episode.
And number seven – Trump (Nope I ain’t going there – That is all up to our American friends!) Stated a week or so ago that he wouldn’t deport prince harry as he had enough trouble with his wife. As she was horrible. That reminded me of a cracking line from, where it came I have no idea, ‘They are a lovely couple…Apart from him.’
I may have more randoms – I love that as a name for strange people…My family as an example. But let’s get on with the round-up.
…Oh wait a minute…
Number eight – Is Elon Musk a Super-Villain who will need taken down by Team America (Fuck Yeah!!!)
As I can’t think of anything else at the moment, let’s get to the round-up.
We had three new writers who we all welcome, Leila who must be getting close to the 140 mark and Harrison who has been showcased on the site an impressive 33 times.
As always our initial comments follow.
First up is our very own Leila. The quality of her writing is on a par with her imagination – That’s as big a compliment as I can give!!
She got us rolling with ‘Anita Knows’
‘I am the biligits number one fan.’
‘There is so much in this.’
‘Daisy is developing into quite the little megalomaniac.’
Our first new writer was Ashley Davis with ‘Gordo’
We hope to see more from him soon.
‘The story grows on you.’
‘Excellent tone.’
‘You are taken into it.’
Harrison Kim has been a friend of the site for many years now.
‘At Spence’s Bridge’ was his latest offering on Wednesday.
‘Rich in character study.’
‘Harrison does this type of story very well and truthfully.’
‘Good to see the older characters using computers!!’
Alex Faulkner was our second new writer. We hope that they all have fun on the site.
‘Four Giraffes’ was published on Thursday.
‘This was a bit different.’
‘There’s a hidden bit of magic in this.’
‘This creates an image immediately.’
And last but not least we had Jake Bristow with, ‘The Night They Brought Him Home.’
We send the same good wishes and welcome to Jake.
‘Wonderful descriptions.’
‘This is a gem.’
‘Absolutely enthralling.’
That’s us for another week.
Just the usual reminders – Please have a look at our other features of a Sunday and have a go. We always try to publish what has been sent in.
The comments have been brilliant lately and the numbers are superb so please keep it up.
Ah my last annoyance is the greedy bastard supermarkets.
I just noticed that they have a key cutting booth, machine type thing. I try as much as I can to go into my local Cobblers for keys, belts etc. But here we have the supermarket nicking the poor soul’s livelihood.
That is on-top of them doing their version of a pound range, which takes from the pound shops. They also advertise their Curry and Chinese Meals as an alternative to the carry-out shops and talking of food, they have the cheek to now do a pub-grub range – So good of them to dip their over-sized toes into all these small businesses.
Also coffee machines, Bakeries, Butchers, photo-booths and sushi.
In the early seventies we all thought it would be a brilliant idea to shop in one store but by fuck have we created a monster!!!
Before a piece of music, I’ve had another look for a Beau Peep Gem and came up with this:
After his dentist x-rayed him he said, ‘You need a filling in one of your Molars – I hate Molars, they are tricky…Do you mind if I go through your cheek?’
I had never heard this version but I heard Lulu saying that she heard this and that was what made her want to record it.
I think this is a belting version.
literally stories 
Hello Hugh
The world can be summed up in two statements: “Good” things exist because there is money in them and Bad things exist because it is cheaper that way. Such is the soul of advertising and the mission statements of hell.
Agave is a type of cactus that improves one’s mental serenity.
And I agree, I would much rather have a key made by a locksmith than by one of the dozens of teen “associates” named “Trent” at WalMart. One stop centers are the definition of mediocrity. I worked at one for most of the nineties and the stink of middle of the road gets in your hair and clothes.
About to enjoy the clip.
Great work as always. It amazes me that you can do one of these in a day!
Leila
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Cheers Leila,
Maybe Trent is an American thing, we have Ross. I sometimes drink with a guy called Ross that states that all of the folks he knows called Ross are Tossers. And I probably agree with him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh and do you need to eat that Cactus to make you sane…But then eating a Cactus, isn’t really a sane thing to do.
But what the hell, I’d give it a go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All the very best.
Hugh
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Hi Hugh
Trent appears to be a highly localized name here, but so many guys between 20 to 25 have it.
I like the name Ross, but I only know people who have it as a surname.
Don’t want to try eating cactus, tequila is good enough for me!
Leila
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Fun post. I hope whoever wrote that super headline got a fragilistic bonus. I don’t know of the fellow in the video, but his rendition of Shout does the Isleys proud. I had no idea Lulu recorded the song. I just watched her performance on YouTube. Not bad but probably not her sweet spot.
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Isley Bros are fine. Have not heard anything lately, but Twist And Shout, It’s Your Thing, That Lady. Dion DiMucci also did Shout. Never heard a bad version. Jump up and wave your arms in the air.
Mention again – It came from “Animal House” at University Of Oregon in Eugene. Had to import some black people from Portland because there are few in Eugene outside of athletics. Or at least were, fifty some years ago.
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Hi Doug,
So happy that you mentioned ‘Animal House’ that is one of my all time favourites.
Bellusie’s (Sp??) line, ‘They took the bar, the whole fucking bar’ was timing at its best!!!
Stay happy and healthy my interesting friend!!!
Hugh
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Hi Dave,
I reckon for some reason Lulu was annoying…I don’t know why!!
However, she sung the song that was the theme tune to a Sidney Poiter (Sp??) film called ‘To Sir With Love’ which opened the doors to such-like.
I heard her a year or so back on the Jools Holland’s ‘Hootenanny’ and she still had her voice.
All the very best my fine friend.
Hugh
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Hugh
Riffing off of your wise hatred for advertising, I will go on record as an American stating for the record (again) that I believe Donald Trump and Elon Musk are pure products of America.
If so many, many millions of Americans had not been worshiping these two fools for so long, they would never have been able to rise to the positions they have now achieved. Donald Trump the reality show television star who was so beloved by so many millions and millions for so many years just because he appeared so wealthy and could say “You’re fired” in such a threatening manner; and Elon Musk (not even an American) who was worshiped for his supposed brilliance when all he was ever good at was being a heartless captain of industry, not even an inventor, have now taken over America because the American people themselves (from the lowest rungs of the social hierarchy to the highest) have worshiped MOLOCH for far too long. It’s nothing short of literal heresy and idolatry. By MOLOCH I mean MONEY and the Devil, who are interchangeable, at least in the good old USA.
One of the worst things these two are happily doing right now is denying food to starving children in Africa and also denying medicine to sick people in Africa. Musk and Trump do not have the power Hitler had (yet) but they are just as sick, deranged, sadistic, misinformed, uneducated, stupid at the core, rotten to the core, unaware-of-history, hateful, deplorable, demented, nasty and mad as Hitler was. The historical record will make all of this very clear eventually.
At the same time, the American people have a lot of resilience because this nation has been made up of many different strands from all around the world.
After they burn it all down and many many many millions are made to suffer far more than they already are, the USA may rise again from the ashes with a new form of democracy to offer the world, and that’s the best we can say for it!
Until then, The Devil has taken hold of the reins. This was already a dying empire. Now the flames are devouring the corpse. But nature itself comes in cycles of decay and rebirth, re-growth and fading away. For all we know, we might be struck by an asteroid at any moment. It’s not too much to say that Alien Life Forms might already be here. (They are already here in the form of AI.)
Having said all that, I can also say that perhaps things ain’t quite as bad as everyone thinks they are!
Dale
PS,
Orson Welles met Hitler once at a dinner party before Hitler had risen to power. He said the man had the eyes of a reptile – he said he never met a person who seemed so lacking in a human soul as this monstrous reptilian sociopath did. Musk and Trump are the same. Reptilian eyes. Predators. Ravening clowns. Savage fools. Killers. Snake oil salesmen beyond compare. So bad that it can’t really be that much fun being who they are! Humans are supposed to have souls. Monsters also hate themselves deep down or they wouldn’t be so mean and nasty to everyone else. Their ultimate punishment is being who they so manifestly are. Their so-called senses of humor are truly, truly wicked (in a bad way), sick and deranged…
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Hi Dale,
I love that an American has stated about ‘A product of America’. I’ll come back to that. I can honestly say that I’m not racist as I know that you can be a cunt no matter what your race is. I’m a proud Scotsman but I can say, hand on heart that there are more Scottish people that I despise than any other nationalities. I hit that with the anti-English twats.
Now the American thing – Well it was the Oscars that got me when fucking ‘Forrest Gump’ bombed out ‘Pulp Fiction’. I don’t know who it was that stood up and said something like, ‘This just goes to show, no matter your abilities if you work hard and you are a good person, you WILL succeed.’
Whit a load of fucking pish!!!!!
And not only that – ‘Forrets Gump’ ripped off a New Zealand film called ‘Bad Boy Bubby’
Check it out if you haven’t seen it.
Thanks as always my fine friend.
Hugh
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Hugh
“The rich are careless. They break things.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald, who could diagnose “The American Dream” better than anyone until Hunter S. Thompson.
Dale
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Hi Dale,
That is a good quote but I would change ‘careless’ to ‘uncaring’
All the very best my fine friend.
Hugh
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Hugh
“I’m sentimental if you know what I mean / I love the country but I can’t stand the scene / And I’m neither left nor right / I’m just staying home tonight / Getting lost in that hopeless little screen / But I’m stubborn as those garbage bags / That time cannot decay / I’m junk but I’m still holding up / This little wild bouquet / Democracy is coming to the USA.” – Leonard Cohen
Dale
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Hi Dale.
By the way, I owe you a comment on your John Lennon piece, trust me, I’m working my way through all of this – I’m a bit behind!!
Just want to say, Cohen’s acopeala (Sp??) version of ‘Everybody Knows’ is one of my favourite songs ever – It’s up there with Queen’s ‘Spread Your Wings’ which will be played at my funeral!!!
I loved his voice, his in your face sleaziness and his hat!!!!
All the very best my fine friend.
Hugh
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Hey Hugh,
Dealing with smombies can be fun. Purchase a set of those foam therapy batons. When an oblivious smombie blunders into your personal space, bat the idiot like you’re defending a wicket. Smack them as if you’re a reincarnation of Jack Hobbs. The object is to knock their phone into orbit. When they open their mouth to protest, be sure to scream “Wake the fuck up, dreamer!”
I hope this helps.
Marco
PS: Thanks for the post.
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Hi Marco,
You have gave me an idea….The only good use of a cricket bat!!!!
Not sure if I would get bail or if I did, if Gwen would post it!!!!
It’s always a pleasure to see you around the site.
Hugh
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Fine post, Hugh. Enjoyable mental picture of Ayr High St. littered with dazed phone addicts.
An Alex Harvey fan, but afraid I’ve got to disagree with both you and David H: the Isley Brothers original is still the class act.
Mick
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Hi Mick,
You are probably right but I love the roughness in Harvey’s voice. Maybe only Frankie Miller and Paul Heaton (??) singing ‘The Liar’s Bar’ makes me want to drink Jack Daniels and smoke a Cigar!!!
Hope you are well and happy my fine friend.
Hugh
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I also hate pandas and don’t understand why they’re so popular. We should be best friends!
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Yep,
There are so many clips of the fuckers falling down that makes it boring.
You see a Panda now and you expect it to fall down. It’s like seeing a traffic warden and expecting a ticket!!!
Thanks so much for the comment!!!
Hugh
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Oh my goodness- Alex Harvey! An old mate of mine (now dead sadly) was a huge fan and he and I had the privilege of seeing the Sensational AH Band one time. Can’t remember where, or when (must’ve been mid 70s) but they were absolutely brilliant.
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Hi Steven,
Thanks so much for the comments.
A really close friend of my Brother-In-Law (The legend that is Bobby Donne) seen him at the old Apollo in Glasgow. He stated that he had never seen an entrance like it as Mr Harvey collected tulips from the cheeks of a few young ladies arses. (I take it that could only happen in the seventies!!)
Oh – In case of any sensitives or woke wankers are reading this, I am not commenting, jut relaying a fact!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All the very best my fine friend.
Hugh
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Hi Hugh
Come on man, those Pandas are cute! I did have to laugh about “fried with onions.” That’s nuts, lol.
“Profit Over People.” Hum… I think that might be the oldest profession.
I hate those phone junkies too-always looking down. Some places they put the crosswalk signal on the sidewalk. Safety first. Then when they drive, boy, ain’t that fun.
Enjoyed!
Christopher
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Hi Christopher,
You’ve made me think…
Maybe we should have a law that allows you to swing a baseball bat as you are walking. Not a problem for those that are looking but a bit of an annoyance for those that aren’t.
I may try this. But not sure if Gwen would put up my bail money!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks as always!!
Hugh
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With Hugh on mobiles (I used the English there). First popular when we were in California so I thought that it was a local perversion. Many times at had to watch the cares, because the drivers were watching their phones. Got to Oregon and found they were ubiquitous even in my backwater. I carry one when I’m working in the woods so I can tell editor where to find the body after I die. That’s about it.
I’m will to settle for red pandas. They are cool.
“Team America” was likeable because it hated the left and right.
Mellow Monster
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Hi Doug,
I loved that you used the word ‘Perversion’ regarding mobiles!!!
I would have said addiction but I can understand that so perversion works!!
You ain’t going to die Doug, you will only, like all legends, fade away!!!!
Oh and aye – I like Red Pandas!!!
All my very best to you and your Editor- Please tell me her name!!!!
Hugh
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Do you know “My Sharona”? Lose the second a and you have it. It doesn’t work in the song though.
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Loved the rollick of this. My own phone is a so-called ‘dumb one’. A newly arrived alien, seeing a bus full of humans passing by, would assume most of them were asleep, most heads being down.
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Get rid of it!!!!
Think back twenty years or so, we got by, we managed. People still died, having a mobile wouldn’t have helped them!!
Look at all the inane pish, look at what really matters and why pay god knows how much. What is inevitable, you will be told one way or another????
HAH!! You may have realised my hatred of them – The adverts state keeping everyone connected – It doesn’t, it does the opposite, people stare at their phones when they could be talking to the person next to them.
Thanks so much for the comments!!!!!
And please don’t take this as a go at you – Just mobiles!!!
Hugh
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I’m with you all the way on that, as it happens. Come deathbed too, there’ll not be many wishing they’d spent more time on the damn things!
Cheers.
Geraint
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HiDoug,
Give my best to Sharon and tell her it is a pleasure knowing her.
That was a fine tune by ‘The Knack’ if I remember correctly.
Stay happy and inspired my interesting friend.
Hugh
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Great week and a great rant with great questions. I agree with you about phones, but won’t be switching mine off I’m afraid. I had to Google, but had read it somewhere before – between 2008 and 2021 there were a recorded 379 ‘selfie’ deaths – perhaps doesn’t sound like many, but it’s lot more than there were prior!
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Hi Paul,
Does it make me a Bastard if I reckon those 379 deaths were acceptable!!!!
Put the phone away ma man, one day only!!! Try it, please!!! When I tell youngsters (Especially!!) that I haven’t a phone – They normally ask me the same question – ‘How do you live?’ To which I answer – ‘Quite happily and one breath at a time!!!’
I honestly believe that if there is an after-life, you will hand your phone into The Lord Of The Flies before you are put on permanent hold!!!!!
All joking aside – All the very best my fine friend and thanks for the comments!!!!
Hugh
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