Here we are at Week 517.
Before we start, I promised to post the answers to the quiz from a couple of weeks back.
So here you are. I’m quite sure that those that tried may well be kicking themselves every now and then.
Butchers Bread – Meat Loaf
Enticements – Temptations
Spring, summer, autumn, winter – The Four Seasons
Uncivilised Eden – Savage Garden
They publicly announce – The Proclaimers
Primitive Shriek – Primal Scream
Emergency Numerals – 911
Potter – Wizard
Back To Normal – Status Quo
Rain, hail, sunshine females – Weather Girls
Black, auburn, ginger, brunette – Four Non-Blondes
Easily Readable – Simply Red
Warm Galaxy – Hot Chocolate
Crazy Kebab – Madonna
The Chairman went to make a film – Frankie Goes To Hollywood
Toilet, Toilet – Lulu
First man’s insect – Adam Ant
Ill looking serpent – Whitesnake
Insanity – Madness
Lizzie. Vicky. Cleo. – Queen
Dot’s dog – Toto
Parents – Mamas And Papas
Rain, shower, waterfall – Wet, Wet, Wet
Swapping Spit – Kiss
Metal Airship – Led Zeppelin
Loud Lassies – Girl’s Aloud
Down on knees with gemstone – Neil Diamond
Guarding sub-zero rain – Snow Patrol
Friendly Xmas plant – Buddy Holly.
I thought the ‘Four Non-Blondes’, Madonna, ‘Lulu’ and ‘Buddy Holly’ ones were inspired!!
We have had a few submissions that uses a form of a phrase that I hate. It’s an automatic red card from me. I find it crass, arrogant, insulting and overall just shit.
I shall give an example:
– Me being an attractive lawyer in my early sixties, I can appreciate a handsome man with a meaningful bill…
A more common one is:
– Me being a successful woman in a man’s world, knows what it’s like to work against the odds.
And let’s even up any perceived sexism (Where none was meant!!)
– Me being an attractive male tampon champion, understands everything about a woman.
Oh and let’s not overlook:
– Me being a beautiful influencer knows everything about everything.
There are some phrases (And stories) that you don’t need to explain why they are awful. Their very existence proves the fact!
If you are ever tempted to write pish like those examples…Just DON’T!!!!!
We’ve had on occasions some terrible stories. If we had to write negative feedback on them, we would have to work through them sentence by sentence and none would escape criticism. (We try as much as we can to find a positive, even if that positive is ‘You know some words’ or the more worrying, ‘You email very well.’)
I think these writers don’t read. If they did, they would realise just how bad their words sound. Reading is key to good writing. For me it has nothing to do with emulating style, content or god forbid, plot!! What it’s all about is recognising the difference between reading something smooth and something that jars. I’m not sure you can teach that but the more you read, the more you know it when you see it and the more you can spot it in your own work, especially when you’re not doing it!
Oh and talking about learning to write something smooth, for fuck sake stay away from texting!!!!
Another trait that we have always had but it’s been in an abundance lately is the fad of the un-naming!!
We have had so many stories with terms like, ‘The boy’, ‘The girl’ ‘The man’, The partner’ etc., etc. I’m not sure if the writer is trying to increase the word count or if they have listened to some fuckwit stating – ‘You can involve your readership by not naming your characters…That way the reader can immerse themselves into the story and they will unconsciously think of themselves being the characters.’
My retort to that is – What fucking age do you think we are? Is this one of those badly illustrated books that you can send a picture of your sprog and their ugly mug is transposed into the main character of the story??
I see no benefit in doing this. As a reader, there are only so many times you can read ‘The whoever or whatever’ before it gets fucking irritating!!
However, as always, there are the odd exceptions. We’ve had a few. But for me, it takes a helluva writer and a very skilled story teller to pull this off.
Okay, onto this week’s stories.
We had two new writers who we welcome with open notepads. (Just trying something different but it’s a bit pish!) The other three writers are well established.
As always our initial comments follow.
First up was David Gershan with ‘The Syndicate.’
David is a new writer and we hope that he has fun on the site and continues to send us his work.
‘An ode to paranoia.’
‘This makes you think.’
‘Well thought out and put across.’
We extend the same welcome to our second new writer. Jason Abshire was that writer with his story, ‘Little Green Men.’
‘Strange, weird and very well written.’
‘Tells of failed colonization.’
‘The failure was only temporary.’
On Wednesday we had Gil Hoy with Those Snowy Mornings who has graced the site four times now.
‘Very well done.’
‘Simple style that more folks should use!’
‘Gil is becoming an established story teller.’
Our dear departed friend, Ed N. White continues to be showcased.
His story on Thursday was called, ‘Patience.’
‘I loved reading this.’
‘The ending is quite cruel but done brilliantly.’
‘You get immersed into this.’
And we finish off with the amazing Mr Mick Bloor. This was his nineteenth story for us but he has also had a wheen (Love that word) of Sunday Specials.
Mick completed the week with, ‘Crossing The Bridge With Thomas Tallis.’
‘Strange left turn to rabbit disease.’
‘I’ve always enjoyed Mick’s use of language.’
‘Mick makes this type of story look ridiculously easy.’
That’s us for another week.
Keep commenting. Keep reading. Keep writing and keep being nice to your granny or her memory!!!
Please get involved with our Sunday Features, have a look back and you will see what we are looking for.
Before a song, I thought I would pass on a piece of wisdom that I found from a man who would give the sensitives and wokers a heart attack.
Mr Benny Hill was that man. I think his show was shown in well over a hundred countries. The reason I found this was due to the fact that I read that his birthday on the 21st would have made him one hundred and one! I find that weird to think on. A guy who I watched on TV would be over a hundred…That says something about both of us.
Forgetting his show, he was in two of the most iconic films ever…’Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang’ and ‘The Italian Job’. His show was also one of the first parts that the amazing Jane Leeves was in. So anyone who would slate him for his material maybe should consider the bigger picture.
And I also believe that the theme tune to his TV show would be something to be pushed into the crematorium to!!
Anyhow, this made me laugh:
Never play Leapfrog with a Unicorn!!!!
I just wanted a bit of pure class as a piece of music this week and this one fits the bill.
I wish I could remember when I first heard this but all I know is that every time I hear it, it gives me shivers!!
Image: typewriter with a piece of paper showing the words Literally Stories from Ryan Owen
literally stories 
Dear Ed. Cron
I am a successful green-eyed writing vampire influencer and content creator named “She.”
With me being an attractive 600-something, I take great offense from the ideas shared in your post. Sometimes those name-thingies get in the way of the muse. For the love of Satan when did Barnabas and Honoria fall out of style?
I blame it on the people who can walk by day, all arrogant like. Them and their “watch me cross against water”; “watch me hold a pyx and drink the blood of the saviour.” I notice none of you brag about how well you hold up against a wood stake through the heart!
Otherwise a brilliant post and clip!
She A. Vampress
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Dear She A. Vampress
You sound like a fascinating creature.
“D”
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Hi She,
Are you being over content??
Is that a compensation for some fuckwits comparing you to the cat’s mother??
I hope you have ripped out all the throats who have said that to you. (Not me of course, I’m in support…If only you would wear grey contact lenses we could be besties and I’d buy some of your products as long as they were alcohol.)
I was wondering, do you know Charles Aznavour??
But that’s not very cool. Probably if you knew Elvis Costello, that would be cooler.
It’s ironic that you being a Vampire had your name used in a film that stared Peter Cushing – He staked a few of your relations throughout his career.
I think I also remember Berard Cribbens being in that film. I was going to post ‘The Hole In The Ground’ but then I recalled, ‘Right Said Fred’
And that took me somewhere else!
I agree about the stake, it would be a bit sore if it was applied to anyone…Apart from a politician – They fuckers are not even remotely human, un-dead or anything in-between!! Fuck knows what they are. Maybe all ego, disorder of the personality kind, (Sociopathic being at the forefront) and being kept alive by consuming virgins. We don’t have many Vampires in Scotland. (Awww shit, I had a cracking line about why but fuck, I couldn’t even type that so I leave it to anyone reading this to go to a very dark place!!!!!!)
I am humbled to be in your presence but I have to say that I’ve been in daily contact with more evil – I have two fiends!!!
Hugh
Did this get across the pond??
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Dear Mr Cron
I would blush if I had functional tissue.
No one in Scotland will ever be bothered by a Vampire because we saw the Billy Connolly bit about terrorists. “Nae come here.”
Mr Cushing “poked” many friends. They lay like Butterfly specimens pinned to cork board. I attempted to “do” something about him, but the man had a layer of tungsten sheeting installed below the skin of his throat!
Ah, Right Said Fred did get across! A generation of American (t)wits thought they were the first to sing “I’m too sexy for [insert mundane activity]”
Thank you Sir
S.
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Hugh
Thank you for the answer key! Could kick myself for not getting Bread.
I got one “Female Royal Neanderthals.”
Leila
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Dear Ed
I note a threat in a comment (see above) Me being a feeble senior find that I am now triggered and have to ring my therapist. I think you should take more responsibility-
Good post nonetheless. 🙂 dd
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Hi Diane,
When us non-woke, non-sensitive tougher human beings of a certain age need therapy, we do what we’ve done for years…Get pished and then realise that fuck all matters and everyone are our best friends…Until a few minutes later and they are not. That’s when the violence kicks in.
When we wake up in the cell, our need for therapy is re-placed by a need for a lawyer…So from one charlatan to another!!!!
Thanks as always for all your help and support!!
Hugh
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And on the other side. I’m slowly writing a piece for my blog taking down publishers and editors by name when my ancient brain can come up them. Rejection in part because the story had a dancing fat cat and a fat cat couldn’t dance. Wouldn’t read the whole story because something was wrong with commas (accepted by two humans and a computer check), correct grammar required in a diary. When I’m done, I doubt that it will be submitted to publishers.
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Hi Doug,
It’s always a pleasure my fine friend. Thanks so much.
Best of luck with the ‘Comeuppance’ blog posting. Some do need to realise that their decision is simply only an opinion. That can be wrong, right or insignificant. Other folks may think differently.
I’ve had hundreds of refusal. Especially between the years of 1994 and 2010. After then I gave up looking for whatever I was looking for and replaced that with a simple love of writing.
Knowing my luck, I’ll become successful when I’m long gone. That reminds me of an episode of ‘Married With Children’. Al Bundy was having a near death experience and was telling death it wasn’t his time. Death checked his journal and stated, ‘Your right, you have years left. You die the day after you win the jackpot on the lottery!!
The best comeuppance section I have seen was in an episode of ‘Father Ted’ called ‘A Christmassy Ted’.
When he won an award, he wrote a speech and stated something like, ‘I’ll get back all those who have fecked me over, over the years.’
I think he had a few categories including, ‘Liars’ and ‘Eejits’
Stay happy and healthy my interesting friend.
Hugh
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Hugh – Another one – insisted a diary must have correct grammar. Mr. Mirth
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Hugh
THANKS for the song! This is not an artist nor a tune I’d heard of before, but the mere sound of her voice is so beautiful it brings tears to the eyes almost instantly. When combined with the subject matter, one will either dissolve in a puddle of weeping or be the owner of a heart made of stone!!
In a perfect world, all literary magazines/sites, would have an ironclad rule that you can’t even submit something until you’ve spent a minimum of TEN YEARS doing nothing but READING everything under the sun you can lay your hands on. ONLY THEN, this rule should run, can you have the audacity to hurl your creations at the editors with the request that they endorse it with their stamp/s of approval. Even Shakespeare, or especially Shakespeare, didn’t begin to try writing much until he’d already “read everything”…and he never stopped reading, either…See his complete and thorough familiarity with new works of his day including the essays of Montaigne (Hamlet) and the novel Don Quixote (Cardenio, a lost Shakespeare play).
Hemingway said, “You need a basic command of the language before you can start trying tricks.” By basic command of the language, he meant written language. By tricks, he meant stories. Except for those who can successfully break the rule/s (and all rules are meant to be broken by somebody), not giving one’s main character a name is surely a lame attempt at being profound as well as a profoundly lame failure of the imagination. A name says everything about someone. When there isn’t a name, it also says something, but I agree with you, this is not easy to pull off!
Thanks again for her beautiful voice and way of putting forward a song! Gonna go listen again.
Dale
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Hi Dale,
At one time I felt that the old idea of everyone having a story in them is true. But we need to consider whether they are better telling it or writing it? Obviously, I have a huge admiration for the writers. But I think the story-tellers maybe just have that wee bit more. Writers are limited. It’s hard to write sarcasm without tone of voice. Timing is another thing that no-one expects. (But when a writer reveals a twist, that can be so impressive) Emphasis is difficult to do, only capitals or repetition can work.
A story teller has all this ammunition but it is more things that have to be done brilliantly and not fucked up.
Sarcasm has to be heard. Expression can enhance. That pause before a punch-line has to be perfect. A story teller has only one chance to get it right. A writer has a delete button and as many chances as they need.
I think that’s why I love comedians. Their discipline, confidence (Whether hidden or not) and skill amazes me. And let’s be honest, the really bad ones can also make you laugh for very different reasons.
I have a great love of all sorts of music and my favourites change everytime I think on them. But one thing I know is that there are a few songs that as soon as I heard them, I knew that they were always going to be a part of me.
Off the top of my head – ‘Misty Blue’ by Dorothy Moore. (The original was by Wilma Burgess but Moore’s voice is streets ahead.) ‘Starting Over’ by John Lennon, ‘Abraham, Martin And John’ by Marvin Gaye, ‘Mr Bojangles’ by Sammy Davis, ‘Beautiful Freak’ by The Eels, ‘Understanding Jane’ by The Icicle Works and ‘Broken Land’ by The Adventurers’ all spring to mind.
I can guarantee that more will spring to mind throughout the day!!
Thanks as always my fine friend. You make me think and your input is always appreciated!!!
Hugh
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Hugh
Totally agree with you! Everyone has a story, and not everyone should write it! I take that back! They should write it if they want to, but not bring it to me and ask for my opinion in a creative class (back when I was teaching creative writing classes, that is. 25 years of such is sure to lead to burn-out one way or another or in my case, repeated episodes of burn out in which I would head for the doors and go burn one, whether that be five cigarettes in a row (back then) or half a joint in the alleyway later).
And thanks for the great list of songs. About half I know but haven’t heard in a while, and half I’ve never heard of before. I will check out all of the above!
Dorothy Moore’s voice truly is a thing of beauty, as pure as a musical instrument played by an absolute master. Thanks for intro’ing me to her “Misty Blue.”
Dale
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That was a great quiz, the other week. thanks again. Cant believe that I couldn’t spot Meatloaf.
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Hi Mick,
You are welcome!!
Isn’t it weird how we get a mind-freeze. It always happens at those we kick ourselves over.
Here’s a wee bonus one just for you.
ABCDEFGPQRSTUVWXYZ.
I’ve stole this off a crossword clue!
Not what I’m looking for, it’s still to do with music but the crossword clue’s solution was a five letter word.
Hugh
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AAAAARRRGH. Can’t get this either, Hugh! I assume it’s something to do with the missing alphabet letters (HIJKLMNO). But if the solution is only five letters, it cant be an acrostic. Something to do with missing, absent, middle…?? Damn it: I give up.
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Good post. I enjoyed the rendition of Misty Blue (aka Slightly Foggy Color of Sky.) Me, being someone who pays attention, will never use this construction. (This might be a redundant post as my original didn’t appear.)
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Hi Dave,
Thanks as always!!
It’s a continual pleasure to see you around and read your comments.
There are loads of Ella Fitzgerald fans out there but that Dorothy Moore’s song is something special. I will also need to think on what is my favourite Etta James song – That could be difficult!!!
Hope all is well with you and yours my fine friend.
Thanks again.
Hugh
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Hi Leila,
Queens Of The Stone-age??
Hugh
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You bast– I mean bravo! Took me a week to think it up, and you solved it in five seconds!
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Hi Mick,
You had it but just didn’t say it. The missing letters were H to O.
The crossword answer was ‘water’.
So to take that into the music quiz, we have that Scottish Group, H2O – All I can think that they did was ‘I Dream To Sleep.’
Must have been more though.
Hugh
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Groan: H2O. Yeah, ‘H2O’ rings a faint bell. Glasgow band, though just googled ’em and apparently a couple of ’em were from Largs. Truthfully, the band were a bit obscure. Very clever clue though
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Hi Hugh
Great perspective on submissions. Kind of a behind the curtain moment. Reading is definitely key to good writing. Listening to the smooth compared to the jarring, sounds like good advice.
Christopher
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Hi Christopher,
Every now and then I try to explain some of our thinking and reasons for decision. The problem is for every reason, there can be an exception!!
We try and keep as open as we can to all those who submit and those who have been published as well as those who have been refused. (If they ask)
Thanks as always for your interest and comments!!
All the very best my fine friend.
Hugh
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Thanks Hugh – great post and great week of stories (as always). Having read this week’s in the space of a morning I can’t help thinking how the week was full of stories with depth with lifetimes described, even within the space of not that many words – in other words a really good week this week in my opinion and taste.
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