The Wheel Grinds Patiently
In 1968, at the age of nine, I allowed a classmate we will call “Louise Haas” (not her real name, but close) to get a lecture for something I did. The offense was cussing. It was recess and I had told someone to “eat shit” or something of that third-gradely nature, unaware that the playground monitor was in earshot.
Louise and I looked enough alike to be mistaken for each other from a distance. The monitor (Mrs. Pemberton–her real name–who’d be in her mid-two hundreds, if still alive) had better hearing than eyesight, and since Louise was nearer, she got the lecture that I had earned. Louise did not object, because we all knew that if we just let Mrs. Pemberton rant that would be the end to it. Protests of innocence led to notes to be taken home to be signed by your folks.
Somehow I was invisible for that moment and did not hang around long enough to find out if that was a temporary state. I scuttled off behind a corner and listened to Mrs. Pemberton say (to the effect) that Lousie cannot be a dirty-mouthed little girl and expect good things to happen to her. Did I feel guilty? Hell no. Life on the playground is not for the timid; it toughens you up for greater sins to come.
And yet the moment stuck with me. I felt that I owed the world my attendance to an unfair lecture, to even the score. Did I confess then and there so I could feel better about myself? As if. That sort of thing would have led to a home taken home for sure.
A few years later I heard about the “what comes around goes around” nature of Karma. That sounded pretty keen to me as long as I was on the correct end of the philosophy. Then I remembered the Louise Haas incident and figured that I should set the record straight. This was late in the seventh grade, about four years after. Another thing I learned about Karma was that it is patient and pays off with interest. I figured that I should even the slate before it would cost me something like a thumb to get out of debt.
“Hey, Louise, remember that time in third grade Mrs Pemberton called you a dirty little girl for cussing and you got a lecture? Well that was me–I told Lonnie Mars to eat shit. Sorry about that.”
“I know.”
“What do you mean, you know?”
“Heidi told me–but I’m a Christian so I have to forgive bad people like you.”
Under normal circumstances that would have started a fight for certain. But it was bad luck to beat up on Church Kids. So, I had to let her off with a snarl. But Heidi Jacoby (her actual first name, cannot recall her last–began with a J) was not a Church Girl so I went looking for her. Then I remembered that Heidi wore a hearing aid because of bad infections when she was very young. Even worse luck to beat up a kid who was in some way disabled. There I was, a bad person with no one to take it out on. Karma is indeed a son of a bitch. But then again, I did not get a lecture for cussing, so I did gain something from the entire lurid affair.
If you ever ask yourself, “Does Leila ever run short on weekly wrap ideas?” Let the preceding anecdote be your answer. Sometimes the Idea Pantry is not as stocked as it should be. Fortunately, I have endless embarrassments and hard luck moments to share, to fill space until we reach the actual purpose of the post. This increases my admiration for Hugh, because he had to come up with a post every week for a few years.
The Two Announcements
But in two weeks, on Week 500, we are introducing a new thing–a guest writer to provide the weekly wrap. First up will be David Henson, whose long dedication to the site warrants the honor of being the first. A guest writer will happen maybe once every month or so (TBD). In those weeks, we will still fill the reviews of the weekly stories, but the rest will be up to the guest. So, stay tuned and check your email in the coming months for invitations.
And there is another matter of business, in light of recent ongoing events, that we, as the Editors of the site, must take up, even though it is distasteful:
We had a commentator who you will all know, they could be courteous and insightful. However we have had to ban them from the site. They have on occasion been totally nasty toward us as editors and more damningly to our writers. We didn’t show those comments. We have tolerated them because of the positive comments they have made. Up until now that is, then a comment was aimed towards all of our writers and it was nasty and hit at their integrity.
We do believe that this was done out of jealousy as they have submitted around fifty pieces of work and none of them have been accepted. Weirdly this person can comment but they are a terrible writer. It would have been an affront to put them on the same website as all of you. Hope you all understand.
The Five Successes
But let us return to the positive with the week’s run of stories. This week marked the return of two previous contributors and three new friends.
No other site writer can shine a light of darkness on darkness better than Alex Sinclair, who appeared for the fourteenth time on Monday with Spite. Alex has a wonderful sense of wordplay and he can whisper things into the reader’s ear that still the flesh and freeze the bone. This brilliantly sinister glimpse of hell on earth sticks with you, like stuff in a needle.
First newcomer Kelly Matsuura charmed Tuesday with Apsaras’ Dance. The lilt of the piece matches the ethereal event and eventual sadness perfectly. There’s a lot of unknown stuff in our world, Cambodia especially, and this suggests there’s even more.
There are few things as tragic as the slow decay of age. Still, it is the abundance of certain items that provokes the cynicism response in the Editor’s mind. “Oh, great–another one of those things.” So whenever you see something like Sky Lights by Melissa Dyrdahl on the site, you can rest assured that it has met the highest standards. It is a fine example of restraint and objectivity.
I wish I was smart enough to fully grasp Ed Dearnley’s third site piece, Fortune’s Gambit. It features something that I think is called either anthropology or sociology. Unsure of the difference, but I understand lottery. Despite ignorance, my interest was held throughout and the imagination and solid sense that Ed shows in his writing helps even a C student such as I get across to the end without confusion.
For what it’s worth, I know a great deal about the subject in Last Refuge by our third first time contributor, Andrew Murray Scott. It’s a fine and essentially non judgmental look at something that is far more abundant in the world than one might suspect. This is another topic that has to rise above due to the abundance of it in submissions. Such was accomplished. We cannot save everyone, but we probably ought to try–or, maybe, we can save everyone but it costs too much.
There they are for your review and (hopefully) reading. Each one shines a light into the world from utterly different angles, and although the results differ wildly, each one continues to shine true.
Verbal Autofill
I gave up watching new television a few years ago. It was a natural sort of thing, similar to the way I stopped listening to new music (by people I’ve never heard of) even longer ago. The problem, especially in TV documentaries, is what I call Verbal Autofill (from here, VA, with no disrespect intended for veterans).
I am guilty of VA myself, and I try to trim it out. In my estimation V.A. is the addition of a cliche or a personal phrase that is used to enhance a point, but has been used too often that it is gibberish. Mine is the phrase “that sort of thing.” It’s a sort of nervous nudge I use that pops up automatically and is not involved with the original thought I want to express. There’s something about VA that is indicative of sloppy editing. Not all the following are strictly cliches like “take the bull by the horns,” but they are getting close to the low marking point at which clichedom is won.
- Whenever describing a volcanic event or a nova, TV Scientists eventually (and always) state something like the following: “The explosion was equal to six gazillion Hiroshima bombs.” I cannot imagine the impact of two, let alone six gazillion, and I wish that the TV documentary people would think of something new.
- “Those were simpler, more innocent times.” Like hell. There have never been simpler, more innocent times in the history of our race. And yet we have clueless fools who apparently get their history from Winnie the Pooh books. So condescending and spoken by people who would last ten seconds in a world without Google and Starbucks.
- Another from Science “(such and such) can be seen from space.” There was one documentary that featured a talking head who stated that the Great Wall of China can be seen from the Moon. I only have a high school education, but I know that is horseshit. The wall is obviously not wide enough to be seen from space and you’d think a PhD type of person would know that. And yet for a while people were repeating that fallacy in the wild.
- Stating that if a prickly personality of history were alive today he/she would be on prozac. I’m hell tired of hearing that, please stop.
- “A creature of his/her time.” Who isn’t?
- Not an actual phrase here, but there is a tendency for fully grown adults to talk too fast and “upspeak” on television as though they are Hannah Montana. Young weather reporters are guilty of this. Thirty going on thirteen is a charmless thing in my mind.
- Another from Science: “The Dinosaur had a brain the size of a walnut.” Then how come the critters lasted a hundred-sixty-five million years and we aren’t likely to make one?
- Time Travel: Another Phd type of person stating to the effect “I say that the killing your own grandfather paradox alone makes time travel impossible.” I say that it is possible, but we go belly up before we can figure it out.
- “Breaking News” Ever since 9-11 that heading has been slowly drained of its urgency to the degree that it now bounces off the ear just like 24/7 and “at the end of the day.”
- All yours
Leila
literally stories 
Leila
I just want to point out that Christopher Marlowe went to college, and William Shakespeare did not. (Neither did Ernest Hemingway.) To be Shakespeare’s greatest rival and main inspiration is a thing that will win you eternal fame, but it still doesn’t make you Shakespeare. You may have been a C student, but there’s no doubt you’re one of the most highly educated people around. (On a personal level, I flunked out of college twice before finally going back because the working world kept rejecting me, and I barely made it through high school at all.) It was Socrates who pointed out that only the smartest people know what they don’t know. Those who ain’t so smart think they know it all. (And it’s unlikely that Marlowe would ever have caught up with Shakespeare, even if he’d had Shakespeare’s extra twenty years. And Shakespeare seeing Marlowe dead made him that much more cautious for the rest of his life, which gave us Shakespeare, so we have to endlessly thank Marlowe for that as well: and, to be as great as he was, but in the same room with Good Will, must have made him feel ironic. Geniuses usually know who’s better than them, deep down.)
A phrase that I hear on TV too much is when all the political talking heads say “down the rabbit hole.” Sometimes four or five talking heads sitting around a table will all say the same phrase to each other within a few minutes. One wonders if any of them even know where it comes from, which is what ticks me off so much. Thank you Lewis Carroll. (Alice is one of the most beautiful children ever.) Also, virtually all of the so-called political discourse on any major network can be chalked up as one vast, giant cliche. As usual, THANKS so much for everything you do, Leila. Your mind is Shakespearean.
I do have one question from a curious creative writer, did you get most of your knowledge of the Bard from reading, movies, theater: or a combo of all three?
Dale
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Hi Dale
You are brilliant and deserve a better reply than one from the grocery store, where I am buying supplies at the moment.
A long time ago I was ashamed by my lack of education. I vowed to read the classics including Will, which is what I did. It’s no good assigning something like Melville’s fantastic Bartleby the Scribner to a fifteen year old, but everyone over thirty should read it.
People need to put down the phone and read! Actually you can read on the phone, last week I listened to Hank read Factorium. So I guess it has it’s used
Falstaff is the greatest fictional character ever (Sherlock two, Hamlet third). I figured that Will decided to cut him from V because he outshone Hal in both parts of four.
Thank you again!
I will reply to the others soon!
Leila
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Good post as always. (I think you pulled another good one from the idea pantry.) I don’t have a VA but a bit of a pet peeve: TV news people who have fallen in love with the word “stunning.” I’m frankly stunned at how often they use it, usually unwarrantedly (A word I hope they don’t start using.) I’m looking forward to the guests posts. In my case with some trepidation.
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Hi David
Oh yes, stunning is over used. Adjectives often are the most abused.
Just think, in two weeks you will be answering the mail!
Leila
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Gulp
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For some reason I want to quote the title of Leonard Cohen’s great and fascinating novel: BEAUTIFUL LOSERS. There is so much in that phrase for everyone to consider that it seems worth tossing it out there.
BEAUTIFUL LOSERS!
Cohen must have looked back fondly on his own title while the studio was busy in the ’80s rejecting one of the greatest records he ever made, an arrogant executive dismissively telling him: “We know you’re great, but we don’t know if you’re any good.”
DWB
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Dale
Like Kate Bush, Leonard is/was greatly under-appreciated by America (he is/was more than “Hallelujah”). But the rest of the world understood. A true Unicorn, beginning as a writer only and not entering music until he was well into his thirties.
Thanks again!
Leila
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Leila,
A wonderful Weekly Wrap.
But, your Karma thing shouldn’t get you down. EVERYTHING comes around again. See Nietzsche. Although I think I just contradicted myself (again) because ‘eternal recurrence’ was probably a metaphor for something else.
The world doesn’t need more Verbal (& visual) Autofill, but there are a few off my personal list:
“It was Surreal, man!” No. Dali was surreal. Athletes are prone to this VA after winning a quotidian sports event because of their superior aesthetic.
“Hel-loooo” Used by people wanting to show how unaware you are.
“What does that even mean?” As opposed to “What does that mean?”
“I’m only kidding.” Spoken by people who have already made their very unkind point.
People who put their index finders on their temples then make explosion gestures to refer to someone’s lack of awareness.
And frankly, I’m tired of people giving me or anyone else ‘The Finger.’ As if it were the epitome of wit and wisdom they’ve used since the third grade.
See what you got me off on?
Thanks, Gerry
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Hi Gerry
Excellent observation on surreal. It appears that people do not quite get the meaning of it. Some give the impression that they think it is super duper real.
Oh yes, the hell-oh is the same as begging for a hammer to the head! And attempting to intensify with even or adding “really, really” is as irksome.
Ha! It’s easy to get started!
Leila
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Did I just write “index finders?” Sorry.
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Thanks Leila, Verbal Autofill is yet another fine list. I reckon Sports commentators are the maybe worst culprits (eg. ‘it’s a game of two halves’) but they deserve some sympathy because they have to keep up with some pretty fast action on the field of play. I find I’ve become a bit tired of repeated identity tags (eg. ‘As a mother of three, I find that…’ ‘Speaking as a gay man…’ etc. etc). But I recognise that sometimes, and in some circumstances, verbal autofill is all that I can come up with. My particular vice is ‘Hey ho.’
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Hi Mick
You got it right about announcers, including their difficult right now reporting. The best ones appear to have the ability to relax, which prevents stuff like “that was a crashing smashing blow laid on the mother of three by the gay man.”
🤔
Thank you!
Leila
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Hi Mick,
I’m also guilty of the ‘Hey Ho!’ I would love to remember where I heard it first and where I first used it and why. But that was many ‘Hey Ho’s’ ago!!
…Maybe it is Scottish rhyming slang for ‘There you go’???
Hope all is well with you my fine friend.
Hugh
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Leila
Absolutely agree with you about Falstaff, Sherlock, and Hamlet. The only thing I might do would be to add Watson to Sherlock and move those two into third place. (?) The Fat Knight remains secure at the top.
Scrooge and Tiny Tim might be four and five.
Dale
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You are right Dale. Holmes and Watson were/are a necessary team. Sherlock could never have written his own account without making it sound like a monograph on tobacco spit patterns!
Leila
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Hi Leila,
As a massive fan of Don Quixote and Sancho Panza, I would feel woefully remiss if I didn’t add them to this list of Sherlock/Watson, Falstaff, and Hamlet. Not only were the Don and Sancho a model for Watson and Sherlock, their depth and resonance also make them more real than most real people, as Harold Bloom pointed out. (Every buddy movie or road movie ever made comes from them, not to mention the modern novel.) Cervantes and Shakespeare died on the same day, and also looked alike.
It’s also fascinating to remember that while Shakespeare read and loved part one of Don Quixote, and even wrote a lost play called “Cardenio” based on one of Cervantes’ characters, Miguel had never even heard of Good Will.
Cervantes remained threadbare poor, even after he became a household name throughout Europe and the Americas in his late 50s. He was also a slave at one point. A prisoner at other points. And one of his hands got half blown off in battle. None of it ever harmed his sense of humor, it rather increased his endless sense of humor instead. He was Don Quixote and Sancho Panza. (Spanish is the fourth most spoken language in the world, after English, Chinese, Hindi, in that order. A fact we all do well to remember for a number of reasons.) Thanks again for your unbelievable (Shakespearean) understanding of fiction and story-telling at all levels!
Dale
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Hi Dale
I recall Steinbeck naming the converted camper he and a Poodle named Charlie to see America, Rocinante (sp).
I would like to believe that it would be published today, but fear the corporations that try to ruin all great things for the sake of money.
The greatest characters (at least in English language) fiction would be a list to cause debate. For instance I would rate Iago higher than Othello and Lady Macbeth over her hubby. Also, Scout over Atticus because she was presented from all angles.
Thank you again for more interesting things to consider!
Leila
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Leila
Rocinante and Dapple (Sancho’s donkey) are more alive than the human characters in the majority of fiction written these days.
It reminds me of Beezer and Barkevious on that level, or some of the cats in your other writing, who are all so alive with their own personalities.
I also love to look at Picasso’s black-and-white sketch of Quixote, Rocinante, Panza, and Dapple from 1955. Pablo manages to boil a thousand-page novel down into a simple image that any perceptive 5-year-old with a decent imagination can understand. Thanks again!
Dale
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Hi Leila,
Excellent post as always.
Thanks so much for the kind words!
I look forward to more on the kids you chose not to beat up and such-like.
I have a sort of opposite but not of some Verbal Auto-fill.
‘Long story short’
This is only wrapping up of an end of a story where the narrator has wittered on for ages from the beginning through the middle!
All the very best.
Hugh
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Hugh
Thank you.
Long story short is a relative of that awful “at the end of the day.” That one appears to be fading away, but not fast enough to suit me.
You deserve the kudos for doing this every week for years!
Leila
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Tremendous read. And Gawd yes, those statements that if certain prickly personalities from history were alive today they’d be on Prozac. Particularly so in the case of Van Gogh. Come to that, Jesus too! Not forgetting Simone Weil. And if Nietzsche were about he’d have the perfect platform on X. Ditto Marx.
These things have I heard.
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Thank you, HONESTLY, Excellent mention of Simone. And I think if we sent the X platform back in time, it would return with a grim series of opinions about the future.
Thanks again!
Leila
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Hello – Another great post Leila. I am trying very hard to stop saying’ At the end of the day’ I see that has already been mentioned and it really does smack of the interviews after a football match. I am winning the battle about half the time and I shall continue the struggle.
Thank you for dealing with the other – less pleasant issue. I find it interesting that after nearly ten years we have only ever had to take that step this one time. I think we can count on the fingers of one hand the number of comments we have decided not to publish until the recent spate of unacceptable ones. It’s a great testament to our regular visitors, and the new readers that they seem to cleave to the idea that ‘if you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything.’ I try to work that way wherever possible because ‘at the end of the day’ it is not my job to tell other people how to think, speak, write or indeed eat their oatmeal. I may disagree but that never means that another should change their ways to please me.
I really appreciate the fact that we have a polite and happy site with people big hearted and broad minded enough to accept that which they don’t really agree with because, I think, that is the best way to grow as a human and a writer. An adult human should, in my opinion, be mature enough to see something, register it, and not feel obliged to comment simply to make themselves appear more than they are.
Hmmmph – I feel a bit preachy now – I think I should go and do some weeding or brushing to put myself back in my place. Though there is a book waiting to be written and I am only at chapter eleven. Thanks again for the post – Diane
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Dear Diane,
Hello, thanks again for everything you do and have done in creating and continuing the absolutely fabulous literary organization that is LS. There’s nothing else like it anywhere. It’s completely one of a kind, and so valuable as such. Best of luck on the book-writing!
Sincerely,
Dale
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Thank you Diane
And thank you for all the years of patience you have shown some of us rather trying characters, Good luck with the new book!
Leila
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Great list of fallacies in the V.A. section there – thank you. As for karma, I once, as a young and stupid boy shot and killed a sparrow perching on a roof ridge with my mate’s air rifle – I still remember the poor beast rolling down the tiles towards us. To this day I have a phobia of anything flying near me, and perhaps I deserve it.
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Hi Paul
Thank you! I so wish we were a little smarter in our youth. But at least you care, some people lack sensitivity, like dummies they seem happy.
At the earliest of my memory, shortly after it’s big bang into knowing, I saw my father’s crazy army friend Al vaporize a Woodpecker with a shotgun from a distance of ten feet. He thought it funny. Dad didn’t have him over much after that.
Thanks again!
Leila
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