Week 449 – I Was A ‘Look At Me Hoor’ (I’m So Sorry!), The Literally Equivalent Of Pi And Lost In Translation, Or More’s To The Point, ‘Lost Initially’!!

Before we start I have to apologise for my Q&A session last week. I did something that I never do directly – I self-promoted, not just one, but two stories.

…I feel guilty.

…Ashamed.

…I have sullied my integrity.

…Wait a minute!

…I shouldn’t be worried.

…It never fucking worked!

…I realise now why I consciously don’t do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

…Really?? Nobody looked!!!!!!!!!

…Whit a waste of words! (In soooo many ways!)

One other thing before we start. We’re setting a challenge. Nope it’s not a prompt. Marco would eat that!!

We are getting close to our anniversary posting so we thought for a bit of fun we would ask any of you to send in three questions regarding the site that you reckon we won’t answer. As always there is no prize involved, we wouldn’t insult you by bribing. We would though, appeal to the devilment in you all to see what you can come up with.
If you want to get involved, just email us with your three questions. Please head it ‘Anniversary Questions’
We hope that you will all give this a go. We’d love to be drowning in difficult / impossible questions.
This is for everyone but those old hands of the site probably have an advantage as they really do know how we work and they could make things uncomfortable for us!!!
Dave, Harrison, Marco, Doug, James (Get asking)
Steven, we’re sure that you have some ideas.
Tamara, if you are still about, Jane, Rachel and come on Mason, why not give it a go!!

Okay, so we are at week 449 and I’ve been inspired by a very good friend of the site.

The wonderful Mr Hawley has mentioned a few times that he didn’t understand what I was writing about and when I looked at the content of those posts, I can see that they are maybe a bit too British, well Scottish, and I totally agree with him.

But in an inverted logic type way, I wondered how confusing I could be. So I have composed a few paragraphs that maybe only James McEwan and Mick Bloor will grasp straight away. I’ll put the translation after the usual end song feature.

‘Ma Mazda wis some ticket.

In the summer he slevered and the snotters flew fae him. In the cauld, he wisnae much better.

Every nicht, jist after John Toye, he’d stick the record under his oxter and go for a Barry.

In those days his bog wis ootside and when it was dreich, snell wae smaw rain, you could hear some richt oaths fae the auld cunt.

I never wanted to be touching cloth straight efter him as that bog wid huv given ye the dry boak, the minging arsed auld cunt.

It wis a wee shame as he hud been plunged up the ring in the war and that hud effected his tom-tits.

Even though he wis a bit glakit, he wid never back doon tae a baw-bag and he wis a gid cunt tae huv in a stooshie.

His left hook wis a brammer! It had cunted many a fud.

That wis ma Mazda, Big Fink Mawbawzer.’

It’s very hard to follow that beautiful and poetic piece of writing but there you go!

So onto this week’s stories.

Three new folks one tenacious returner and the legend were all showcased this week.

We welcome all our debutants and hope that they have fun on the site.

As always our initial comments follow.

Our first new writer was Claire Massey. She got us up and running with ‘The Night The River Sang.’

‘The end is nicely styled.’

‘Smooth!’

‘Who doesn’t like a bit of comeuppance.’

Our second new writer was Meg Woodward and she was next up with ‘Collar’.

‘I admire the description. She has done that very well without many adverbs.’

‘This was a really strong piece of writing.’

‘An excellent piece of writing.’

I can’t tell you how much I admire Mr Mason Yates. He is professional in the extreme, courteous and so unbelievably tenacious.

This was his second story for us, entitled, ‘Reflection’.

‘Rather moving.’

‘It’s a delight to see Mason get another one over the line.’

‘I like the looking back in sadness idea.’

On Thursday we had someone who I have no plaudits left for. I suppose after two hundred plus stories, there is very little left to say except…The brilliance that is Tom Sheehan was published on Thursday with ‘Also Henry.’

‘Very poignant.’

‘Number 214 – WOW!’

‘Tom doing what Tom does best.’

And we completed the week, surprisingly, on Friday, with our last new writer, Bruce Snyder and his short, ‘Running On Snow.’

‘I was enthralled by this.’

‘The description of the cold was done very well.’

‘I liked the idea that you never found out what the noise at night was.’

That’s us all rounded up guys.

Usual ending, check out the features that we do and please get involved.

One other thing that happened this week that has raised its ugly head on a few occasions is the coward wank-stains that want to air their grievances. (This isn’t social media you pricks!)
If you have a beef with someone – Take it up with them, don’t be a pussybawz and try and get a point across through, not only a third party, but a medium where you can hide behind your flowery cushion after you have sent it.
Comment on the stories, not your fucking personal vendettas.
Grow a set and deal with what you have to deal with but never involve us as your comments will be binned without any hesitation.

Just to finish and also due to the Scottishness I have written, I give you a weird tangent that took me to my final point and then choice of song.

We are brutal when it comes to humour.

Nothing isn’t out of bounds. (HAH! Surely that is a double negative!! But I’m sure you get the idea.)

It can make us laugh, cringe, or be very uncomfortable…Then laugh.

So I give you a true story which may involve all of the above. To be truthful, I just laughed as I hate all stalwarts, no matter what side.

During a Celtic / Rangers game in 1982, The Rangers fans (Mad Royalists and anti-Irish) began singing ‘Do you want a chicken supper Bobby Sands’ (He died on hunger strike after 66 days early 80’s. He was in the H Blocks in Maze Prison)

The Celtic supporters responded with, ‘Michael Faggin shagged the queen’ (He broke into yoan big hoose in that there London sometime in 1982)

Now the both of them are nasty.

…But fucking funny!!!

Anyhow due to the starvation thing, I thought on the beautiful and tragic Karen Carpenter. I THOUGHT that lady had the purist most beautiful voice that I’d ever heard. But she has a rival, I found this stunning talented lady a few years back.

Hugh

And here is the translation!:

‘My grandfather was a character.

He suffered from Hay-Fever in the summer and this caused excessive mucus. He was afflicted from colds in the winter and that caused much the same problem.

Every night after the news programme ‘Scotland Today’ he’d lift the newspaper ‘The Daily Record’, put it under his arm and leave to use the bathroom to defecate.

At that time his toilet was outside the main house. When the weather was miserable, cold and raining that misty rain he swore quite a bit did the elderly gentleman.

I dreaded needing the toilet straight after him as I would have heaved due to my grandfathers lingerings.

I realised that it was sad the way my grandfather was as he had been bayoneted during the war around his anus area. It was assumed that was why he had trouble with his bowel excretions.

Even though my grandfather was a bit simple, he never backed down from an annoying person. He was a good fellow to have on your side if there was a fight. His left hook was very effective and had knocked a few fellows unconscious.

That was my Grandfather, Frank Ritchie. (Who, had an incredibly large penis)’

Image: Pixabay.com – Clan Cron tartan.