We spoke on the phone for a couple of weeks before we met. It was nice talking to a woman again, calling someone on my ride home from work. I knew it wouldn’t really be going anywhere; she lived 3 hours way and had a 12-year-old to boot. Still. It was nice talking to a woman again.
She picked out a place for us to meet, an hour and half away from both of us. I wanted to be nervous, but I wasn’t. Wasn’t sure if it was the medication I had just started or because I really didn’t feel anything for the woman at all. She was cute looking, and I knew sex would be possible and that was enough to spend twenty of my last hundred dollars to fill my tank up with gas and drive.
I had asked her to wear something outside of her usual demur dress and she had asked me not to shave. She was older than me and showed it in a lot of ways, but in others she was just like a kid. She still ate Lucky Charms in the morning, hated vegetables and would do anything for anyone if they asked nicely enough. I hated this about her because it made me doubt everything I did. I did everything I wanted anyways, kissed her ten minutes after meeting and grabbed her ass thirty minutes after the kiss. We’d done teenage stuff on the phone and had built up this world in which neither of us would actually want to live in but constantly inhabited during our talks; so meeting her with her hat hiding her blue eyes and her fading blonde highlights dangling down towards her chin, I felt like I had known her for years.
We eventually drove each other wild and ended up in a hotel room. She wanted to keep her tank top on, but she pulled it down enough for me to see her chest. After, laying with her and stroking her hair, tucking the stray strands safely behind her ears, with her drifting off slowly to sleep, I remembered something. I remembered that the watch I was wearing was a gift from a woman I used to love. I remembered stroking her hair behind her ears and feeling content and safe. Better, knowing that I could keep her safe, then later feeling trapped by the burden of keeping her safe. I remembered driving to work having no one to call and being forced to think about myself, stopping by the liquor store after work and then not having to think about anything at all.
Looking down at the woman I had just been with I grew nauseous. I went outside for a cigarette and stared up at the moon thinking of all the other times I’d stared up at the moon and all the times I will stare up at it. I thought about how after I’d be long dead it would still be there staring down at me though I wouldn’t be able to ever tell.
The girl blushed whenever I complimented her and hated herself enough that it made me want to hold her. I think that’s why I went back inside kissed her awake just for me to wrap my arms around her again. Just so I can finally feel good enough to go to sleep.