Short Fiction

Week 315 – Was Aggie’s Disappearance Her Best Mystery, Has Anyone Considered God As Their Wank thought (Except For The Pope) And The Only Multiple YESES E.L. James Should Receive.

…And we trundle on to Week 315!

Honestly guys, fuck knows why this came to me!

There’s a very simple thing that could cut every CMT book to a few pages. This idea also works for films and drama series.

When we are first introduced to the killer bastard all that needs to happen is when they are left alone in the plot, we read / hear them going ‘TeeHeeHee!’.

I also think more crimes could be solved if the police would question someone in their house and when they leave just put their ear to the door and listen for the ‘TeeHeeHee!’.

‘I need to ask you sir – Did you murder your wife?’

‘No.’

‘Thanks that clears that up.’

‘We’ll let ourselves out.’

The door closes. The wily sergeant puts his ear to the door and hears…’TeeHeeHee!’

‘Book him constable!’

I think it is very difficult to write a ‘Whodunnit’. I think Auld Aggie had this down to a tee. (I think the golf explanation of this saying is the most logical. You need to be precise to put a ball on a tee. If you disagree, try it with a bottle of whisky in you!)

Now that I think on it, I’ve never read an Aggie book – I’m not sure why.

Seeing a character and passing judgement on them is more suited to the film and TV medium. Although ‘Gone Girl’ was completely ruined by it being turned into a film. With the book, which I thought was a very skilful piece of writing, you changed your mind every chapter. With the film, you just saw her and knew she was a fucking maniac.

In a way, I hate the book because I loved it. It made me watch a film with Ben Affleck in it. The only thing that I have enjoyed him in is ‘Dogma’ which was brilliant I might add. I think there were protests about that film as it was considered blasphemous. But if you look at it, there actually is a spirituality about it. And I may be wrong but I think I saw a documentary on Kevin Smith and there was a mention that he was a Christian. I like Alan Rickman and any film that has the line, which goes something like ‘I kissed God and got a boner’ is always going to get my attention.

Oh not that I am a god perv, I mean, how attractive can a figment be?

…Well when I was thirteen, my imagination could come up with some very attractive images.

I think that writing a short story Whodunnit would be impossible. Although we could go very minimalistic as in:

James, Sharon, David, Lennie, Sarah, Joyce, Peter, Eustace and Emily stood over Jean.

Jean is dead.

(Turn page)

Sarah killed her.

Another award winning idea!

Okay onto this week’s stories.

We had three new writers and two authors who have returned for the eighth time.

To our newbies, we welcome them, hope that they have fun on the site and we want to see more of their work.

Our topics this week include clothes, abuse, fantasy, fitting in and a small house.

As always our initial comments follow.

Yash Seyedbeghari has hit a cracking run and he continued this on Monday with ‘Downhill.’

‘The MC has a desire to catch anything that will impress, that is sadly so true these days.’

‘Yash has something in his writing and whether it is experience or imagination, he puts both across so well.’

‘More quality from this thoughtful writer!’

On Tuesday we published an old friend of the site. Mitch Toews has been around since 2016 and it’s so good to see him still submitting.

The Grittiness Of Mango Chiffon‘ was his eighth story for us.

‘The scene setting was so good!’

‘The booby-trap of the last line was brilliant!’

‘Very well drawn characters.’

And we had the first of a run of our three new writers on Wednesday.

David Samuels was next up with ‘The Grim Morass

‘David did a very good job of weaving the information we needed into the narrative.’

‘The twist at the end was well placed.’

‘Well written, well structured and well thought out.’

Our next newbie, Sage Turtle was published on Thursday with, ‘June’s Miniature Mart Off Highway 101.’

‘This made you want to read on!’

‘The tone was excellent and the bitterness was very real.’

‘You do need to go deep into this.’

And we finished off with our last débutante, Kailyn Kausen.

Rio‘ was published on Friday.

‘This makes you feel so much sympathy.’

‘Very well done.’

‘It makes you want to think, consider and fill in the blanks.’

That’s the round up well and truly rounded up.

We are now at the part of this that is necessary but a bit repetitive. Now this is intentional repetition. I wonder if I should type (Is it just me or do other folks when writing a sentence of that type wants to type write for type?) a disclaimer stating that I’ve done a load of these and I’ve no filing system on what I have and have not covered so natural senility and incessant ranting may cause some topics to be repeated. When I think on what I’ve already written, I reckon I’ve mentioned ‘Dogma’ before. But what the hell, if it makes one person have a look, then the blaspheme / positive message debate may be re-hashed. That’s always a belter – Is god a ‘gid cunt or naw’ whether or not he is real.

Oh and of course, if we are talking about films that upset, ‘The Life Of Brian’ has to be mentioned. I’m not a great ‘Monty Python’ fan but I did love that. The line that creases me everytime is

‘I am Brian and so is my wife’

That will mean fuck all unless you have seen it!!

So let’s follow the sandal and go back to the intentional. (See above)

Please keep commenting. It stops the world from ending. (Was that a bit too dramatic?)

And have a go at the Sunday Re-Run. Just pick an older story that you’ve enjoyed and write a spiel or introduction on it. Throw in a few questions for the writer and we will publish exactly what you send us. You will then be a part of Leila’s cool club. Trust me that is something that you want to be associated with as that lady gives lessons to cucumbers!

Just to finish off, I know nothing about children and their passions but what I’ve noticed is kids toys confuse me. I don’t understand them.

What’s ironic is that everything has to be packaged as a surprise and the most surprising thing is they are packaged in some sort of ball.

A ball! A fucking ball! Very few kids know what to do with a ball.

And everything is so small. In our day, we could choke on a Spangle and that was a legal sweet. Kids must be swallowing all sorts of surprises! (Oh so many Catholic Priest jokes but I better not go there!)

Toys are now, not so much inspired by books and film, they are inspired by games. I find this sad as a toy can peak interest. So a kid is more likely to be interested in the game than the book. And when you look at it the other way round, because kids are playing more games than reading, then their game inspires the toy buying and books miss out again.

Although I hear that the ladies are embracing a ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’ toy. It’s great to see a very bad book inspiring something deep, satisfying and with the odd shout out to a deity!

Hugh

Oh crikey – where to start looking for an image – leave this with me!! dd

Image: – Google images

8 thoughts on “Week 315 – Was Aggie’s Disappearance Her Best Mystery, Has Anyone Considered God As Their Wank thought (Except For The Pope) And The Only Multiple YESES E.L. James Should Receive.”

  1. My mother read everything Agatha Christie ever wrote. Many years went into that job. She also watched Poirot on PBS. She considered David Suchet a great actor. “Something quiet always happens in the little guy’s eyes when he gets it.”

    I believe that kid toys should be be seen and not heard. I “accidentally” kicked one of my niece’s Sesame Street dolls across the room a while back. A half hour passed before the goddam thing shut its hole.

    Like

    1. Hi Leila,
      Thanks as always.
      I miss the days that kids either got a ball / a doll or a Monopoly Board if they were an intellectual.
      I love the hypocrisy of it all. I don’t think that Britain can sell toy replica guns but they still sell so many water pistols and foam bullet shooters. A gun by any other name…
      I also loved how chocolate and candy cigarettes were banned. I don’t think eating cigarettes has ever been an addiction issue!
      What I despise about all the toy from film idea is that this waters down some adult content in films that are crying out not to be kidified. Lets be honest, the merchandising is probably more a consideration than plot.
      And I agree, I hate noisy toys just as much as I hate noisy children. To be fair though, I prefer the noisy toys as I can stomp on them!
      Hugh

      Like

    1. Hi Marco,
      I’m in a *sookie mood tonight. If anyone could, you or one of our other writers could / can / would.
      Well anyone bar me as I would have a ‘TeeHeeHee.’ (Poetry came up this week in some submissions. Maybe not as bad as that though!)
      Hugh

      *From ‘sook’ as in ‘to suck’ as in ‘to suck up to’
      e.g.
      -Boss, you are just wonderful.
      -You’re a sookie wee prick.

      Like

  2. As usual, you cover so many topics in one go that it’s difficult to keep my replies short. Life of Brian–classic, and thanks for planting the song, “Always look on the bright side of life” in my head. I’m starting to realize that this song was actually written for writers.

    About EL James. Not sure where to begin. I think I read all of two pages and threw the book across the room. But have had a rethink since. It’s the audience that makes a book a success (or not). There are many great novels out there that no one has ever heard of, but I’ve learned to look at it this way: Good for you EL James. You’re worth 150 million–there’s hope for us yet.

    Can’t wait to read this week’s stories.
    Cheers

    Like

    1. Hi Monika,
      The problem is getting the book to an audience.
      But I totally agree with you. Good on anyone who makes money on what they write, no matter what any one of us thinks.
      I had a look at the ‘Fifty Shades’ book and to me, it was awful, but it hit a market. Same with the ‘Potter’ books. To be fair, they weren’t badly written but I couldn’t understand the appeal. However for that lady to get kids and some adults interested in books again, I tip my hat to her.
      Thanks as always!!
      Hugh

      Like

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