Feigned screams and contrived hugs all round. To look from a distance, you’d be forgiven in thinking that these two girls were sharing an overdue and heartfelt moment, borne out of a lifetime of uninvited separation. They saw each other yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that. To be specific, with the efficiency and punctuality of German engineers, these two girls meet in this same café at 8am exactly, Monday straight through to Friday. I’ll need to find a new café. I’d rather not have to do so, as this cafe is a five-minute walk from where I work. However, before I embark, I may as well enjoy what could be my last morning here and bask in my current surroundings.
These two unequivocally human shaped extensions of modern gadgetry have mastered the art of being incessantly loud, with every movement of their brand bearing limbs. All of this racket is done in an imperfect harmony with their blabbering lips. It’s venting such as this, which makes the whole morning bearable and oddly memorable. At times, I enjoy blocking my ears and just watching the movements alone of these fascinating creatures. To add some substance to the activity, I introduce the narrating guile of David Attenborough into my mind’s voice, with my eyes being the camera to document their behaviour.
Without further ado, let me introduce the awe-inspiring characters that I am observing. Rachel, the louder of the two, which in itself is impressive, is preparing for a venture to Bali to, ‘find herself’. In finding herself, I imagine that this will comprise of excessive photo uploads to the plethora of online social media platforms that exist. I can see the pictures now. Rachel seated on a cliffs edge, the sprawling beauty of Bali at her feet as she gazes in wonder at the picturesque beauty of it all, complimented by the title of #lovinglife #followyourdreams. I take another sip of coffee. I imagine that Rachael would most likely ‘find herself’ after two days and beg Daddy for the next flight home due to the lack of Starbucks and Brown Thomas stores.
The absolute cheek of you Bali, did you not know that Rachel, the blogger turned vlogger, was coming!? Poor Rachel, did they even have broadband over there?
Anyway, enough about Rachel, make way for Jennifer, or as she is called by her followers, JennyJenJen. With Jenny, we see a more evolved and advanced version of the privileged and modern teenage girl that Rachel is. She has ‘found herself’, and credits such a feat to Apple and Michael Kors. For without her iPhone, she could not share her story, and if her Michael Kors handbag with matching phone cover and purse were not around, her iPhone would have to go in her pocket. Jenny is also the more dominant of the two and has managed to command instant attention by using words such as; ‘ok’, ‘literally’ and ‘like’. Jenny blurts out the word “ok” while Rachel is in mid-sentence (I’m with Jenny here, shut up Rachel we get it, you love Bali) and all bodily movements stop instantly. Something serious is about to go down. If I have to be late for work, so be it, JennyJenJen has news and Rachel has no idea on how to find herself while she stays at a five-star resort in Bali. Attenborough the narrator is back and could care less at this point about the bespoke creatures populating the Galapagos Islands. The waitress asks do I want a refill, can she not sense the gravitas in the air? I respond with hastily “No thanks”.
Apologies, I digress, and the suspense is just killing you, I know it. Jenny, with the dexterity and precision of a horse wearing rollerblades, throws a rolled-up piece of tissue at Rachel. It transpired that the reason for this action, was in relation to a story, whereby she had asked her brother to hand over her i-phone while she was watching the world’s problems unfold on E News. Her brother (who I now admire after hearing the story), threw it at her, causing her phone to fall to the ground. Not only did the phone fall to the ground, it was cracked, Michael Kors and his designer phone case had done absolutely nothing. In an instant the volcanic drama was over, and conversations changed to San Fran, also known as San Francisco.
Looking at the face of my Casio watch, how ugly I thought in Jenny’s voice, I realised I was now running late for work. If only I had the punctuality of Rach and Jenny. Discarding my delightfully lukewarm coffee, I bolted for the door, sending Mr. Attenborough back to Galapagos. Thank you, Sir David, for your time.