Christian Ladies of Wrestling

(A Novel Excerpt) by James Hanna

Author’s Note

Gertie McDowell, a naïve young girl with a talent for misadventure, has joined a women’s wrestling troop called Christian Ladies of Wrestling. The troop was put together by Wanda Sue, a bank robber with a streak of religion whom Gertie met while serving time because she “trusted the wrong sort of fella.” The mission of the troop is to bring folks closer to Jesus by having women posing as Christians beat the sin out of women posing as transgressors. Gertie’s wrestling persona is Haystacks Holly, a lustful temptress who needs a good punishing. The troop also includes three runaway girls: Cocheta, an Apache girl with sleeves of tattoos, and Sofia and Mia, a pair of sinewy migrant workers. 

After a week of practicing, we took our show on the road. Wanda Sue she bought a trailer truck to haul all of our equipment, and she painted Christian Ladies of Wrestling on both sides of the trailer. Cocheta, Sofia, and Mia they all had spandex costumes, and I had a red wig and bib overalls so I’d look like Haystacks Holly. I think them Mexican girls kinda suspected that Wanda was crazy, but it didn’t seem to bother ’em none ’cause we was gonna have a whole bunch of fun.

Well, we traveled all through Texas and most of Oklahoma, and we set up the ring in high school gymnasiums and that’s where we did our skits. So, now I’m gonna tell you about them skits we put on. I ain’t sure they brought no one closer to Jesus, but Christian folk flocked to our show and they hollered and clapped while we pretended that we was stompin’ out sin.

In one of them skits, Sofia performed the “Dance of the Seven Veils” and then she waved this rubber head around, which she said belonged to John the Baptist. And she placed the head on a ring post and shouted, “Hurray for Herod the King,” and when them Christian folk started booing at her, she just went on dancing again.

 Well, it didn’t take long for them Christian folk to get their fill of Sofia, and that’s when Mia hopped into the ring dressed like an angel of the Lord. Mia had on a spandex outfit that was whiter than new-fallen snow, and a plastic halo that glowed like foxfire was wired to her head. And Mia and Sofia they tussled around for maybe ten minutes or so then Mia backed Sofia into a corner and walloped the daylights out of her. She did that by striking the palm of her hand instead of Sofia’s face, and them Cristian folk shouted, “Hit her for Jesus!” and “Put that bitch in her place!”

Well, after takin’ a dozen blows, Sofia she begged for mercy then this spotlight from the back of the gym cast a white glow into the ring. And while the sound system played “Nearer My God to Thee,” Mia took Sofia’s hand and led her towards the light. And Sofia she wept and prayed all the time she was stumblin’ toward the light, and them Christian folk all joined in singing, “Nearer My God to Thee.”

Another skit we performed was based on folks who profane God in modern times—folks who spit on the Bible and are fulla disbelief. Cocheta, whose stage name was Blasphemous Berta, she hopped into the ring and she had this microphone in her hand and she hollered, “God is dead!” Then Cocheta she started lecturing the crowd about black magic and worshipin’ Satin, and the sound system belted out, “Friend of the Devil,” which is sung by the Grateful Dead. I don’t think Cocheta had no trouble confessin’ she had no faith ’cause she told me she ain’t never been baptized and that she’s an atheist.

Well, after the crowd started booing so loud you could hardly hear the song, Wanda Sue, wearing a choir robe, climbed into the ring. Wanda and Cocheta spent five or six minutes slammin’ each other onto the canvas then Wanda Sue put Cocheta in this figure-four leglock and cried, “Sinner, it’s time to repent!” Well, Cocheta she started howling like her leg was about to break and then she shouted, “I believe! I believe!” and the crowd gave a great big cheer. And Cocheta she knelt and pretended to pray while that white light fell over the stage, and them Christian folk went back to singing, “Nearer My God to Thee.”

Now, them skits were really popular and they sure worked up the crowd, so them Christian folk were already riled when it was my turn to step into the ring. Wanda Sue cried, “Ladies, hang onto your husbands! Haystacks Holly is here!” The sound system played Dolly Parton singin’, “Jolene, please don’t take my man,” and I strutted around the ring in them bib overalls and blew kisses at all the men. Well, that red wig musta looked trashy and them overalls were too tight, but I gotta admit it was kinda fun to be paradin’ myself around. See, when I was back in high school, I played the lead in Annie and I kinda caught the acting bug ’cause I remembered most all of my lines.

Well, it weren’t too long till the crowd started booing ’cause lust is a Deadly Sin, and that’s when Cocheta, dressed in a nun’s habit, hopped into the ring. Cocheta pretended like she’d joined a nunnery after escaping the Devil’s spell, and she grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and tossed me all over the ring. Cocheta and me we tumbled around and bounced off the ropes a few times and then we climbed up on the turnbuckles and threw ourselves down on each other. After that, Cocheta hit me with a flying drop kick and I weaved around like a drunk, and by the time I stopped my staggering, she had placed me in wooden stocks. And Cocheta cried, “Holly, I’m not turning you loose ’til you stop tempting married men!” so I pretended to be real sorry for all the lustin’ I done. And the sound system it played “Abide with Me,” and the Christian folk all sang along, and Cocheta she released me from them stocks and we gave each other a hug. Ya know, them Christian folks seemed real pleased that I’d ended my trollopin’ ways, but of course by the time the next show rolled around, I was blowin’ the men kisses again.

James Hanna

Image: Google images – wrestling ring with red white and blue ropes.