European Dishwasher Stacking Championship by Michael Smith

This year’s competition, held in Zurich, will see strong challenges from the Eastern European bloc, hoping to break the Scandinavian dominance of recent years. However, three time champion, Roine Svensson, remains the bookies’ firm favourite to retain his title. Dimitri Zitesev, head of the Bulgarian delegation, was adamant however, “Our men have been training all year for this event. We are very confident.” Despite the dark cloud that hangs over their participation, Zitesev insists, “the doping allegations have not distracted us from our goal.”

We asked Thierry l’Alsace, competition organizer and vice-chair of the European body overseeing the event, why dishwasher stacking is one area the Americans have failed to dominate. “In the early years, the US did have their own national competition, which they insisted on calling the World Series. We challenged this through the law courts and were eventually triumphant.  The Americans still have their competition, but it remains unrecognized by the World Body.”  We asked Thierry about the reason for this. “It is due to their insistence on using dishwashers with capacities measured in gallons, rather than liters. This means it is virtually impossible to compare the performance of their athletes with our own. They claim their record of 1 minute, 17.4 seconds is the best in the world, but we have doubts.”

The notion of these men now being called ‘athletes’ is an indication that dishwasher stacking has grown, in a little under twenty years, from a localized, novelty event into a professional sport. “It was the testosterone-driven competition between rivals that elevated it from just a pass-time to a serious sport,” continued Thierry, “The deals with TV companies also helped raise awareness and popularity.” We then asked him about the sport’s male domination. “That is easy to explain, although we have had to endure more than our fair share of criticism from the feminist lobby. Initially, people were under the impression that men thought only they had the necessary mental capacity to stack a dishwasher, dare I say, correctly. However, it soon became clear that the main difference was that women will just leave a piece out of the dishwasher for next time. But a man cannot do that. Some say it’s even in his DNA.”

And what about the British entry?  Will it be disappointment again?  We spoke with Britain’s sole representative, Reg Dawson, “I won the northern area final three years running, so I’m used to intense competition, but here at the world championship, it’s at a whole new level. People watching just don’t understand the pressure. One cup in the wrong place, and you know you’ve lost.”

Reg specializes in the cutlery section, but will it be enough? “I feel confident I can score well with the knives, forks and particularly the spoons, but I’ve never been a pan person. The handles are the problem. I wish I could stack pans like the Portuguese; they’re superb, real professionals.”

We asked Reg what he thought of the new Kimasato stacking technique developed using Artificial Intelligence at the University of Tokyo in Japan? “It’s alright for those with an Asian background, those used to woks and small rice bowls, but it doesn’t suit the European mentality. I don’t expect to see many of my rivals using it here in Europe. Maybe in the World Championship, though.”

There is talk of next year there being a doubles event, where pairs can stack a single dishwasher together. Reg has very strong views on this, “It’ll never work. It goes against the basic principles of the event. One man, one dishwasher; just as nature intended.”

Finally, we asked Reg about his professional status. “It was a big step to take. I’d been doing well in regional amateur competitions. After Runcorn, you know, the northern heats of the nationals, I was approached by Zanussi to see if I was interested in a three-year sponsorship deal. In the end, the money was just too much to turn down. So, I quit my job at the Gas Board and went professional. Stacking is still stacking, even if you’ve got a manufacturer’s name written across the back of your shirt. It’s given me time for the necessary training to get to the top; six hours stacking a day is quite normal now.”

For those of you who are new to the heady world of competitive dishwasher stacking, here are a few basics to help you enjoy this year’s event, televised live for the very first time. Marks are awarded in two sections. Firstly, there is, of course, speed; each competitor is timed from first piece to last, including the insertion of the tab. The Chinese still worry about this following the infamous Chin-Tab omission in the World Championship five years ago. Li-Chin, a seasoned veteran, had victory snatched from him when he forgot to add the tab before closing the dishwasher door (known affectionately as ‘The Slam’ in competition circles). But it’s not all about speed. A slower stacker can still achieve victory by scoring well in the competition’s other category, style. This year, for the first time, a panel of five judges, not the usual three, will award up to ten points each for the overall aesthetic of the completed stack. The Italians and French both hope to score highly in this section, mounting a potential challenge to the traditionally speedy Hungarians, Poles, Czechs and Bulgarians. It remains to be seen if this year’s European Championship will be won by raw speed, or by grace and elegance.

And so, in front of an audience consisting predominantly of disbelieving wives and girlfriends, fifty of Europe’s finest stackers will do battle for the coveted title of European Dishwasher Stacking Champion and automatic qualification for the World Championships in September, held this year in Malaysia. Plus, there is always the opportunity to impress the selectors for the ultimate challenge of going for gold in the Olympics in two years’ time.

Michael Smith

Image: Close up of a well stocked dishwasher by beauty_of_nature from Pixabay