All Stories, General Fiction

Willie the Postie and the Humpbacked Bridge by Michael Bloor

literallystories2014

I’d dropped into the Gordon Arms the other night, expecting to watch my team in a death-or-glory relegation struggle on the pub’s sports channel. Instead, they were screening some jaw-cracking yawn of a European game (how could you ever get excited about a team called ‘Borussia Mönchengladbach’?). I was just about to drain my pint and head home, when I recognised a familiar big red face grinning at me from a table in the corner. It was Willie the Postie, now retired, who I hadn’t seen for a couple of years. So I bought us a couple of pints and we settled down for a catch-up.

We moved swiftly through the obligatory Hymn of Praise to Retirement, Willie’s arthritis, my operation and sale of the cottage. And, with only a bit of encouragement from me, we progressed to Willie’s stories about his old postal round. In rural Aberdeenshire, the postie is a jack-of-all-trades: social worker, emergency plumber and electrician, and most importantly, the bearer of all local news. He told me some fine tales that night, most of which I’d heard from him previously, but they’d lost little in the re-telling. And like the artist he is, Willie saved the strangest til last: the time he found the road blocked at the Waterside Humpbacked Bridge…

#

Mr and Mrs Forbes, who had the Auchencriff Ironmonger’s shop on the High Street, were heading off to her niece’s wedding in neighbouring Strathblae. They set off early because her niece had asked her to deliver the wedding cake to the reception, the cake having been newly-completed in the Auchencriff Bakers. Apparently, the cake was a big, heavy, multi-tiered affair, a confectionery master-work. Mrs Forbes settled herself in the passenger seat, Mr Forbes carefully passed it through the open door to her. And they set off, with her clutching it firmly in her lap.

All was well til they approached the ancient single-lane bridge over the Blaewater at Waterside. The milk lorry was also heading for the bridge, in the opposite direction, making for Todlaw farm to empty their milk tank. Because of the steep hump in the bridge, the Forbes’ car was temporarily hidden from the lorry-driver’s view. The driver assumed that the car had given way for him. But that was not the case…

They met at the apex of the hump. It was not a high-speed crash, though the Forbes’ bumper did get rather tangled underneath that of the lorry. What made it so tragic was that the crash impact set off the Forbes’ airbags.

Willie arrived in his postie van, just as Mr Forbes was getting out of his car. ‘Jim Forbes didna’ look too bad: he only had some smears doon his left shoulder and some bits o’ marzipan in his hair. He wiz just collateral damage. He walked round the back o’ the car to open the passenger door fur his wife. I got oot the van to see if I could help; so did the guy in the milk lorry. Jim opened the door, but Mrs Forbes was a wee while gettin’ oot.

Lookin’ into the car, I wiznae surprised at the delay: it was awfy difficult to tell what was her, what was airbag, and what was cake. Once we got her oot and standin’ there, I was lost fur words, we all were. What a stramash! I couldna’ believe that one cake could do so much damage. It was on her shoes, her stockings, her dress, her face – everywhere except her wee wedding hat with a feather. She just stood there, mute.

And she never did say a word, puir thing, til I was putting her and Jim in the back o’ my van to take ’em back to Auchencriff. She just said: ‘I must look an awfy sight, Willie.’

#

Willie shook his head at the memory and went up to the bar to get us a couple of whiskies to round off the evening. When he came back to the table, he said: ‘Did ye know, that I wiz a fireman in Huntly afore I wiz a postie?  Aye, I jacked in the Fire Service because I was scunnered with attending all the road crashes on that A96. Truth to tell, I had nightmares about one or two o’ those crashes.’

 We clinked glassed and drank. Willie gazed into his glass and then looked across to me: ‘ And it’s a strange thing, but after I attended that Waterside-Humpbacked-Bridge-Cake-Disaster, those A96 nightmares completely stopped. The picture o’ puir Mrs Forbes plastered with confectionery had driven all those blood-splattered A96 car crashes right oot o’ my mind.’

Michael Bloor

Image: Gairnshiel Bridge, Scottish Highlands by Mike McBey – Wikicommons

Unknown's avatar

Published by literallystories2014

22 thoughts on “Willie the Postie and the Humpbacked Bridge by Michael Bloor”

  2. Mick

    That poor woman. That must have been a day from hell for her. Then again maybe the destruction of the cake worked (or still works) as a satisfactory sacrifice to the corrupt God of Wedded Bliss.

    Thank you for the story.

    Leila

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  3. Although this is the sort of tale that lives on in families for generations I have to admit that when I see those awful videos on You Tube et al of cakes collapsing etc I do feel awfully sorry for the spoiled day, the wasted money and the disappointment. I suppose this couple might have had time to get a Colin the Caterpillar in time for the reception! I loved the accent in this. It’s tricky to do that and still leave the work easily readable. Thank you – dd

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thanks Diane. And my particular thanks for the choice of header. Not just a humpbacked bridge, but a Scottish humpbacked bridge. AND the photo is taken from such an angle that it is clear that the bridge indeed has a blind summit! Perfect. mick

      Like

      Reply

  4. Hi Mick,

    My auld Grandfather Cron only ever gave me one gift in his life – It was a book that was called something like ‘Dreamtime Tales’. He got it free with cigarette coupons.
    It was very gentle – I read it over and over again.
    My point is, some of your work reminds me of this. Also Jack Hargreaves, ‘Out Of Town’ short programmes. Do you remember him?? He was the guy with the pipe in the kids show, ‘How’ (I think they are re-making that)
    Your writing is infectious and has a feeling all of its own, just like Jack Hargreaves and Dreamtime Tales!!

    All the very best my fine friend.

    Hugh

    Like

    Reply

  6. Very nice. I enjoyed the story-within-a-story approach and how the two tales came together. The idea of the comical cake scene crowded out the gruesome scenes is clever. The dialect also helps bring the story life—and I understood it all! 

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  9. Gorgeous storytelling. I love the small parallel at the end with Willie briefly remembering the much more horrific incidents he’d seen as a fireman and how that contrasts with his enthused regaling of the humpbacked bridge cake crash – almost as though he needed to be the ‘first responder’ as such to that second, highly comical vehicle accident. Also, I simply have to find a way to use the word ‘stramash’ – it’s a beauty!

    Like

    Reply

  10. Thanks, Paul. Yep, ‘stramash’ is indeed a beauty. I used to think it was an import from Scots Gaelic, but it’s not. bw mick

    Like

    Reply

  11. Another cracker, Mick! Just enough Scots-speak. The idea that the slapstick cake ‘disaster’ somehow cured the real road disaster nightmares is beautiful, whether made-up or not. Love the cartoonish bit about difficult tell what was her, cake or airbag – hilarious. Thanks!

    Like

    Reply

  13. Mick, you always draw me in with your intros, probably because they start in the pub and I’m a sucker for stories that involve drinking. Highly enjoyable and very digestible read. Willie sounds like a great character.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  14. Thanks, Alex. I stay in town now, but certainly a lot of rural posties were characters like Willie. Don’t invent ’em, just quote ’em. Glad you liked it. mick

    Like

    Reply

  15. Hi Michael, oh yes it’s such a good storytelling feeling. I could almost close my eyes and be in a rocking chair in front of the crackling of a fireplace.  I too love the Scottish dialect, fitting and it fits right in – so colorful and understandable!  The story within a story also beautifully done –  that one little twist in the end  as the ‘postie’ bares his soul so that the reader knows a little secret about him.

    Thanks for the good read.

    my best, Maria

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thanks, Maria. I’m glad you liked it. I’d had the cake story in my head for quite a while, but didnt write it down til I’d settled on the pub setting. And the fireman ending only came after I’d written the rest of it and thought the original ending was much too slight. Glad you thought it finally came together. bw mick

      Like

      Reply

  16. Funny story about community connection….and I really like the accented dialogue and the pub introduction to the story and to Willie. I can see those two talking, and hear Willie telling his tale of the cake accident and how it helped him get over his PTSD.

    Like

    Reply

Leave a comment