The young lady in the second image is “Peerless Perstephanie the Sunshine Squirrel of Twirl.” Her friends call her Percy. She holds the record for being the “spinniest” living creature known to Rodent-kind, and she is currently in training to break the record of fastest spinning object. (This is why she appears to be “shimmering”; or, perhaps, a shaky hand holding the phone contributed to the effect.)
Amazingly, Percy can spin herself a stunning five hundred seventeen times per second while at the same time sunning herself on a horizontal secondary trunk of a Madrone tree. So quick (Squirredom says) that the camera is incapable of capturing the movement. Squirrels (yet the statement has yet to be supported by any other wild or mildly humanized creature) say they do not lie. Therefore what they tell you supersedes the silly human need called “proof.” So, if an individual such as Percy informs you that she can spin five-hundred seventeen times per second, well, goddamit, that’s how it is.
The record for the spinniest object period belongs to a pulsar listed as PSR J1748-2446ad. The thing is a mindlessly destructive science fiction monster far enough away that we can safely make fun of it even if it has feelings. It is said to spin about two-hundred times more pre-second faster than our Sunshine Squirrel can. Therefore Percy is devouring nuts, raisins, legumes and human handouts (she has a particular keenness for Payday bars, please open the ends) at an amazing rate to build the energy required to add the missing two hundred spins or so per second she needs to her current rate of twirl. Considering the facts of the matter and that the fact keepers are the main dispensers of information on this topic, I have a feeling that Percy will break the record as soon as she says she has. God’s speed, Peerless Perstephanie the Sunshine Squirrel of Twirl.
Someone once told me (actually it was a headvoice) that successful lying is indicative of genius. Anyone can lie to an idiot, but selling waaaaay over the top impossibilities to smart, or at least functional, people takes some doing. Perhaps you have already made up your mind about the things a “Tree Rat” might tell you, which is fair, but have you ever considered that the stuff the scientific community dispenses might just be so much gibberish as well? Is it beyond possibility that the kids who laughed at you for not understanding thermal dynamics in junior high school just made the pulsar and its rate of spin up to see if you’d believe it without asking for proof? Has that sort of thing ever been beyond those kids? And yet Perstephanie is willing to extend them the benefit of the doubt as she trains to smash what might not be the gospel, but is actually balderdash dispensed by persons determined to undermine both God and the integrity of a certain Sunshine Squirrel of Twirl. Ah, yes, my friends, the truth has never been more for sale than it is today. It is easy to obliterate intelligent discourse with needless adverbiage (if we must have verbiage why not the same for all eight parts of speech?)
There is a moral here for anyone who wants it. It’s about telling lies for profit and not worrying about eternal comeuppance. A cheap and easy moral, even more so of both when the cuteness factor of a Squirrel is placed against that of a frightening, out of control conglomeration of gases, gravitational distortions and incomprehensibly deadly radioactive waves. Ain’t much of an “awwww-factor” going for PSR J1748-2446ad. It’s one of those things you find randomly flying around the universe so dumbly weird that it makes you think God had an idea, but that the idea went the same way things go when Homer Simpson gets involved. You will locate similar debacles in the mysteriously deleted Book of D’Oh!
Yes, the moral is pretty easy to find but tougher to stitch together for sale. It must include the popularity of cute liars (not that I am doubting Percy in a public forum) and the natural disdain life has for hideous, mindless chunks of an Awful Truth so terrible that it instantly vaporizes everything that gets within, say, half a light year of it. Actually, a moral is as needless as Bill Cosby trying to restart his TV pitchman career. So, let me congratulate Peerless Perstephanie the Sunshine Squirrel of Twirl on becoming the spinniest object in the Universe. Considering that the fastest the news will reach PSR J1748-2446ad is roughly a gazillion years, and even if it did get there, so what? Goddam thing has the mind of a cantaloupe. Therefore long live Percy, the Queen of Spin!
Some fine tales were spun this week (yes, it is sad watching someone reduced to having to use puns for lame segues). All five that we ran this week are certain to remain far, far more brilliant than anything PSR J1748-2446ad can produce (Percy has yet to submit).
The week was the usual mixture of returners and newcomers. That is the best of things because it underscores both longevity and freshness.
Still, the shelf life of the Sunday Rerun might be have been well past its bloom since it was my first LS story from ten years ago. Although It Happens Every Other Sunday has long since taken a residence in my subconcious, I do deeply appreciate its selection by by fellow Eds. and the comments shared by the readers.
On Monday, The Two Ringed Hotplate was a follow-up performance by Michael Shawyer. Highlighting a mixture of races is something that requires a strong hand and knowledgeable heart. And it greatly helped that Michael has a way of making little things memorable. And for me it proves that the definition of poverty is mainly “other people talking” about stuff they know nothing about. Tremendous charm in this one; appealing characters.
Tuesday saw Torsaa Emmanuel Oryiman’s The Silence That Shaped Me. We all know that rotten and cruel have always been apt descriptions of many places in the world, and that paradise has never been true about anywhere at any time. Still, things could be worse is a catchall saying because it is always true. Still, here, Torsaa tells of circumstances in a place where things, though, technically, could be worse, yet it is not easy to imagine how. Strong yet somehow honestly hopeful. And I want to give special recognition to the Good Dad in the piece; a person rarely seen yet one who should be celebrated.
You (Or Everything Happens Every Day) was our latest work by Geraint Jonathan. Geraint (along with David Henson) often moves me toward using “surreal” to easy my way out of referring to his work. That is brilliant of him and lazy of me. I suspect this little process will continue for as long as Geraint sees fit. Wordplay, philosophy and humour radiate off his work even though all of them are, or can be, yes, surreal.
Thursday brought us In Polite Company at the End of the World by Laurel Hanson. It is sad without being maudlin and inventive without threatening to lose the reader. A delicate little thing like the red jacket in Schindler’s List. The truly moving part about this story is how this terrible violence continues in the world everyday since and well before. We point and snicker at old fashions, but blowing one another up is still in fashion.
We closed yet another high flying week with It’s a Little Bit Funny by site friend Paul Kimm. It is very easy to turn this sort of tale into, well, frankly, shit. That’s usually because an over-seasoning of strong emotions by a heavy hand ruins the project. Here, Paul applies feelings lightly but not superficially and creates a taste of simple sophistication impossible to fake. The result tells the awful truth without leaning into it. And in the end the title is as good a description of life as any you will find.
So glasses up and let’s have three cheers for all the performers. May they return to this weekly table again soon and often.
The kinda sorta theme of lying (but not to defame Percy, for she claims she is an honest Tree Rat), I conclude with a list of Conspiracy Theories that I am surprised have yet to blossom in the mulch of human thought (aka social media, that weeping septic tank of human behaviour). Add your own if you dare the secret police to bug your tinfoil cap.
- Flat Mars Theory
- The Secret Location of Jesus Christ’s Sidecar
- JFK Shot Oswald
- Prince Charles and Alfred E. Neuman are, actually, were, successfully divided conjoined twins
- The Cabbage Patch Amoeba Scandal (thousands got out of the lab and infiltrated news media. News reporters are unnaturally attracted to the “doll” that immediately scoops out the victim’s brain, hops into the empty skull and creates obedient, mindless reporters. Wolf Blitzer was the first)
- Keith Richards is a Ghost not a Zombie (He croaked on the Ed Sullivan Show in 1965 but was, and remains, too high to understand he is dead; the lack of a charnel smell means ghost)
- Mt. Everest is Actually a Molehill (Heaven help us when the digger wakes)
- Princess Diana Faked Her Death (and is secretly running North Korea; the aim is to nuke Charlie and Camilla when they dare to get close enough to the giant rubber band that will launch the bomb)
- The Editors of Literally Stories are Evil Alien Warlords (Well, some things are true, but I feel that “Evil” is a bit harsh)
- All yours
According to Percy there is only one possible clip
Leila
literally stories 
Hi Leila
Glad you have spot-lighted Perstephanie. She looks like a “Star is Born!”
I’ve watched our backyard squirrels twirl. They are quite acrobatic.
I hate the disparaging names humankind dons animals with names like, “Tree Rat.”
All of these types of names are given so they can kill them. It’s easy to kill a tree rat, but not so easy to kill a pet named, Perstephanie.
It never ends the demonizing of animals. Varmints, the general name given to any small creature that might dig a hole, while human kind destroys the Rain Forest.
They even have a gun called the varmint gun, usually a .22 rifle or something bigger, out West.
Coyotes are endlessly victimized by these killers. These so-called hunters, love to kill animals that they don’t eat. Let them walk in the woods with a gun sight on their heads–see how comfortable that feels. No wonder why every free and living animal runs from a human.
Christopher
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Thank you Christopher
All the way with you on animal rights. There is a terrible (I hope a small minority) of jerks who feel they can shoot anything (and anyone) that comes into the yard. I hate that and unless that’s the only way you can eat (something that is getting harder to believe) then STOP!!!
Of course, bit of a hypocrit here, since I eat meat, but there’s no reason to blast the Squirrels and Birds. And I do wish people would keep an eye open for Deer and Raccoons on the road. (See so many Opossum that I think crossing the street is their formvof suicide.)
Thanks again!
Leila
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Hi Leila
I hear what you are saying. It is kind of awful being a killer “by proxy“ eating meat. Right there with you–sometimes I eat a bacon sandwich and feel a little doomed and dooming.
And yes, it is hard to believe these people hunting animals are starving. They are in it for the kill. It’s a blood sport. They know this is true.
One by product of the hunter that aligns with my thoughts on the environment. They also don’t want all the trees cut down. After all where would they hunt. Who would they hunt?
Christopher
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Hi Leila
The closest I can come to the Sunshine Squirrel of Twirl is almost every squirrel in my new hometown of Dunedin, Florida. This happens at least once a day: I’m walking to a brewery or a restaurant and a squirrel along the way heads for the shelter of the nearest tree trunk. The squirrel will never scurry up into the branches. It WILL peek at me from side to side behind the trunk just feet away to — if not exactly to discuss matters — to assess each other in some way or another. I usually make clicking sounds and so does the squirrel. We stare quite contentedly [I’m guessing] from one side of the tree to the other for some time before one of us tires. Do I care if a neighbor believes me nuts? Last week one told me that the moon was flat and in a circular path around a horizontal earth. I don’t care what they think of me.
Add Flat Moon to your list! — gerry
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Hi Gerry
Oh yes those little ones are talkers. I can make a pretty close imitation of that clack-clicking sound they make. God knows what it means, but they listen.
Thank you for stopping by!
Leila
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ILA
There is much manic wisdom and heartfelt hilarity upon these pages of the screen! Your ability to see and feel, and bring to the Reader, the life and liveliness of “the least of these” in small creatures (and all creatures great and small) is an enduring aspect of your work that crosses all genders, races, ages, creeds, drug and alcohol preferences, social statuses and so forth.
Among all the hilarious observations contained in this, the most hilarious of all for me was perhaps the truth about Mr. Keith.
And the most stinging and true truth is that we live in the Age of the Lie, where truth is For Sale like never before.
Our own gullibility and need to believe in something have led us astray, it seems.
And once “THEY” start fanning the flames of rage and hatred that burn on the dark side of our souls, we are in for big trouble.
How big remains to be seen.
In the meantime, the Spirits of Hunter S. Thompson and Dororthy Parker need not fret as long as you are writing and carrying on the torch! God bless LITERALLY and SARAGUNSPRINGS.
The Drifter
PS
“I am the Good Shepherd. The Good Shepherd enters through the gate, in the light of day. Beware all those who do not enter through the narrow gate in the light of day.” – Yeshua
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Hiya Drifter
That is a great quotation. Your memory for such is beyond fantastic. Indeed, we are still fools for Snake oil wagons–which is fine as long as no harm is done. Sadly we know the score there.
Looking foward to your weekly Saragun Sprinps post tomorrow (I am all for plugging positive items)
Leila
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Hi Christopher
Indeed. I do not see the need to fill green spaces with more junk buildings. I guess it must be cheaper than razing derelict structures. Soon it will all be a parking lot like in the old song.
Leila
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Hi Leila,
I love the picture of Perstephanie…It looks as if she has a see-through rain-mate on!!!
I agree with what you say about Scientists and what they spout – They are like mechanics, you have to go with what they say but there is always a niggle at the back of your mind!
In essence, a moral isn’t a very successful lesson – If it needs to be explained…It’s then a bit like a joke!
You mentioned Keith Richards and brilliantly used the clip of ‘Dead Or Alive’. I think that song was the only one produced by Stock Aitken And Waterman that I enjoyed. I thought I liked another but I found out years back that it wasn’t them who produced Hazel Dean’s ‘Searchin”
Love the conspiracy theories and came up with a few.
Excellent as always!!
Hugh!!!!!
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Hello Hugh
Thank you as always. I believe I erroneously ommitted the Dead or Alive tune from a list of catchiest songs ever. I first heard it in a club around forty years ago and nothing has before or since stuck with me as long.
The Mobile Phone one could take off with the right people!
Thanks again!
Leila
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I’m going to risk lifetime banishment along with frequent co-author Topiarly. I spied a “community” in the commentary. The c word is regularly used in an inappropriate or redundant way. The Polish, for example are not a community, they are just a people or a nationality. “Polish community” is an absurdity. There is no mathematics community, but there are mathematicians.
Ok, my comment is petty and inappropriate, but that’s my (slow) spin on the interesting article.
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Hello Doug
I should hope that you would not think me as petty. Colloquialism is a very good term for certain word groupings. Any time I use the word community it is in the ironic perhaps even ignorant sense since I have never belonged to one nor do I seek admission. That’s the great thing about isolation–you don’t need to hold meetings or make name tags.
Take care and thank you for dropping by
Leila
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Excellent post. I’m going out on a limb to say Percy doesn’t really spin as fast as a pulsar, but some country needs to branch out and recruit that rodent to its Olympic ice skating team. Love the list. I’d add the one about us living in a computer simulation. Otherwise, the world wouldn’t make so much sense. Or is my argument for my argument against?
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Hello David
I have often wondered sbout it all being a simulation. First gave it thought after watching a Star Trek Next Generation when a real to himself “Professor Moriarty” escaped. Of course we do seem to be a species out to confuse ourselves no matter what.
Good luck to the Cubs, Percy will be spinning for them.
Leila
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Late to the party but I really enjoyed it! I love the little whizzy one. Give her my regards. We have a couple in the garden who happily squeeze themselves onto the bird table to scoff all the sunflower seeds and woe to anyone who would suggest any sort of negative action on my part. I reckon that I put out seeds for whoever wants ’em. If there’s none left for the birds after the squirrel visit it’s easier than an easy thing to put some more out.
As I write I can hear the hunters guns around us here. We abhor the hunting but as offcomedens our opinion matters not. The only thing I will say is that they do eat the stuff they kill. Still hate the whole thing though.
As for the list – I am always rather disappointed that the ‘Chairleg Theory’ doesn’t get more traction. Atoms is atoms and if they are an unimaginable universe or part of a piece of furniture does it actually matter very much.
Super Round up – thank you – dd
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Hi Diane
Yes, if they must eat, I understand. The Chairleg Theory is an underrated philosophy and not one that many sane people should test!
Squirrels are wonderful little villains. You have it right about the seeds. I do wish that some people would just relax and just add more seed to the feeders. They are bright little troupers and damn near impossible to fool!
Leila
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Spin is a great word and can be used for so many meanings. As a kid we’d often extend our middle finger to a friend accompanied by the word ‘spin’ – this kind of interaction being equally meant to offend, create a laugh, and show hidden affection.
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Hello Paul
Thanks for dropping by. Yes! Percy is all about the positive. Funny thing is ten minutes after the post she claimed the record. Amazing Squirrel dedication to something outside of raiding bird feeders.
Thanks again!
Leila
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