The world has always been a snippy place (for instance, the title of this wrap was sneered at me by my boss in 1981. You can’t say stuff like that to employees anymore, but I am certain that the feeling is still felt). In big cities, especially, people go out in public with war faces on. Regardless, you used to be able to count on a reasonable degree of faked manners from clerks when you were shopping (I was often one of those clerks). Not anymore. Nowadays, it appears that the Corporate Stores hire only soulless people for customer service.
The problem of course is the Corporation itself. The companies beg you to work for them; someone tells you that they cannot possibly make it to another sunrise without you, then when they get you your soul is immediately sucked out through your nose the way they did in old Egypt. It’s a timeless ploy that has been going on since the work week was invented.
Being a Corporate victim myself, it takes a lot to make me complain about an employee. In fact, I try to settle the score myself. But you walk a fine line there because you have whatever limited power there is over the situation and power of any kind leads to the abuse of it. To go on with name calling and threats has too much Telling Mom to it. But asking a clerk, as privately as possible, in a between you and me voice, “Why do you hate me?” is a good thing to do. It usually cuts through the bullshit and puts the person on notice that you fully understand the slight(s) that he or she has laid on you. These insults tend to get bolder with the perceived age of the customer. Most younger clerks are under the impression that everyone over sixty has dementia. It opens new ways of thinking when you quietly explain why you are unhappy with them.
The key is restraint. I never raise my voice, and I hold eye contact and speak respectfully although I’d rather gouge the person’s eyes out and laugh triumphantly while doing so. I figure that the desired choice is a bit of an overreaction.
This connects to writing, well sort of, because we often see things that were obviously written in the white heat of the moment and were immediately submitted without editing. People do not edit much from what I see. These are not insults directed at the Editors mind you, but it is writing that has a shrill, brittle tone to it; self-righteous stuff that uses stereotypes on the enemy and an attitude of never being wrong. That sort of thing smothers the story. I’m not saying that the passion should be extracted, but the classier you say it, with some sort of humour, the better off you are. Or, to paraphrase E.B. White “edit in the cool aftermath.”
Then again, some people go too far the other way and turn vexations into laughing matters. That depends how funny you are and not how funny your friends think you are after Scotch is involved. Personally, the funniest things do not involve smiles and pies in the face. These too should be edited. Or, maybe show it to another person first–a sober one if possible. Study their expressions for hints of Fake it ‘til You Make It while they read your jocular wit. If their smiles do not involve their eyes you may have to place the thing back on the slab.
Then you have the passive aggressive writer, who, like other people you’d like to kill, says things like “no worries” and “of course” to every suggestion that you know will be ignored and that the next thing they will write is how big an idiot that Literally Stories Editor is on their blogs. I get the feeling that these people might be robots, or have had their souls plucked through their noses so often that new souls have had no time to grow in. I have a withered, deformed second growth soul myself and they tend to be mordacious and have less sympathy for humankind than the original item had.
There, I almost wrote a Wrap about writing; but upon editing it still seems to me as subtle as a machete to the hamstring. More like another rant against the Powers That Suck Souls Out Through the Nose. Oh well, can’t win them all. Better luck next time. The beat goes on. And so the cliche wheel turns. But the Week that Was is all about success, and it is now a very good time to take a look back at people who know how to be nicer, Goddammit.
For the Sunday special, Michael Bloor returned with The Poisonous Fog of War. It is a brilliant piece about the lingering after effects of The Great War (WWI). It speaks of the “collateral damages,” which are often a grandfather whose life was forever altered by gassing or man across the road with one arm. Making war is our species’ worst trait. And yet once the blood gets boiling the lessons are forgotten and it all starts again.
Our Hugh Cron led off the work week with D.Y.I . Hugh has had something close to a hundred and forty stories published and his titles are usually one word, the perfect word (or term, as here) that catches the entire meaning. This tale is a masterful thing that looks easy to do but is far from that. This one is telling of our modern world, and I think it is true because there is no one easier to rip off than the lonely. Several humorous lines flow wonderfully to a perfect summation. We are all fools is true and bad enough, but on top of that, we are willing to pay to confirm the fact.
Tuesday brought The End of All Things by Matias Travieso-Diaz. Matias has more than one coming our way and his successes are a testament to his professionalism and persistence. This was a rare one for us, but it has its own magic, which sets it apart from the usual sword story. And although it is as different as anything we have published, that is a very very good thing. Too many places tend to run stuff that brings the word “atavistic” to mind.
And the Winner by Knockout Is… by Hector Hernandez marked midweek with the tale of a stubborn fool who ruled with his fists and was deservedly given the old heave ho. Hector went into the fellow’s mind and showed everyone what was already suspected of such a person. The “ruler” was deposed by the Queen to the satisfaction of the realm. Like Matias it’s a pleasure to see Hector on the site, even more so knowing that he already has more work set on the schedule.
Thursday brought Killing Time by Matthew Snyderman. We see and reject plenty of submissions that feature certain persons from “hotter climates” or reside on the banks of the Styx ; it takes a special writing and a unique POV to get one over. And Matthew (obviously) did just that in this tale. Do not let yourself close down when something becomes evident, or you will miss out on the overall surprise of the work.
The week closed with a visit from another old site friend, the artist-writer Adam Kluger. I Do This is another one of Adam’s sixty-plus (I think at least that many) tales that cannot be described in words. None can really, but Adam has a special elusiveness that makes it extra difficult. So, score one for my laziness! You will just have to experience his story, which underscores the way overburdened minds must think nowadays. And he gives the reader top artwork on top of that!
Well there we have them. Hmmm, a bunch of guys this time. But that’s all right ladies, the game is still young–even if not all of us can be described as the same. And the stars keep rising and shining on the new and formerly obscure. So before I overdose on nonsense words, let’s close this thing with a list and one of the best “you can’t say that” jokes I’ve heard in some time.
The Tepid Close
Life is all about the changes, and as I ate a spinach salad, I recalled how much I hated the stuff as a child. It once resulted in a showdown between my mother and I, which ended, as it always did in the 1960s, poorly for me. If I recall correctly the price for not eating a dime’s worth of a “boogery” mess was no dessert and straight to bed (of course Mom knew nothing about my candy supply hidden inside my winter boots). And although something tells me that I have made a similar list in the past, it still appeals to me today. So, I now present (please add to it):
Ten Foods That I Used to HATE But Now Like and Vice Versa
- Artichoke hearts (like Brussels sprouts, some vegetables resemble human innards)
- Pancakes (Strange choice until you understand that my mother could not cook them, nor much anything else, to save her life. Raw in the middle)
- Cottage Cheese (The look of the stuff revolted me; like Styrofoam sauce )
- Cornbread (Too strong–i.e. “overcooked” for my delicate pallet)
- Canned Fruit (Loved the stuff as a child, don’t hate it now but prefer fresh)
- Shredded Wheat (absolutely despised it; but when the frosted minis came out I changed my mind)
- Oatmeal (I eat it almost every day as I near my dotage; but it was another thing my mother could not prepare)
- Canned Stewed Tomatoes (I once wrote an entire wrap about my hate for this stuff. It is the only thing on the list that has not changed. My father worked at the American Can Co. and often joked about swollen cans of this stuff, while we were eating. It took in my mind and holds sixty years later)
- Ambrosia (Dunno when the love affair ended, but it has)
- All yours
I close with a clip of the late great Martin Mull, telling his favorite joke:
Leila
literally stories 
Hi Leila
Great topic! Well said and written too! Every trip to the store is another story to be told of some asshole clerk or some asshole fellow customer, while being tailgated the whole way there!
The customer is definitely not always right anymore (not sure they ever were). You hear people say how AI is going to replace everyone. I’m always doing my part to help this process along! I go to the self checkout every-time to avoid the bastard or bitch glowering behind the counter. They hate their jobs and YES they hate us too! So fuck you! lol.
I think writing about these episodes in fiction is okay. But you have to watch out for the dreaded SCREED. (boring). When fiction turns into a bitch session, I’m not sure it works as a story.
Christopher
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Hi Christopher
As long as the checkers are efficient and civil I try to go through their lines (because I was in their union once), but there’s this one guy at Safeway that makes me go straight to self check. He is a long timer and always treats people shitty.
I actually prefer the self checks, but sigh, there’s the human factor. You would think checkers would be nicer, but many have given up and surrendered, as far as I can see. I no longer feel all that guilty!
Thank you!
Leila
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Leila
I don’t think that guy will have to worry much longer.
I will have to say dealing with the asshole public is no prize, either. After delivering pizzas for three years–being threatened by actual murder, and being stiffed. I found myself hating on the general public, too. lol.
Christopher
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apparently there is now a recognised thing called The Mellenial Stare which refers to the ‘cohort’ with that claim to fame who make no effort to engage with customers and apparently co-workers. What a sad life. I try to uses human checkout staff because I am doing my damndest to fight against AI and I have to say the staff at our local Intermarche are generally lovely. Mind you there are still good manners in France. Everyone greets everyone in a shop, a waiting room, a cafe as a general rule and it’s very nice. The French have often had a reputation as rude people but that is definitely not my experience and I think language problems could be the cause of misunderstanding.
I didn’t like smoked salmon then I did but now I don’t. Thanks for a great post as always. dd
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Hi Diane
I know I replied! Will hunt it down, the crummy runner!
Leila
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Leila
I think there is surely a link between overall Corporate malevolence and bad writing.
It reminds me of this from the Bowie song “‘Heroes’”:
“Though nothing can drive them away / We can beat them / Just for one day / Though nothing can keep them away/ We can beat them / For ever and ever…”
Perhaps the difference between one day and forever is just as important as who “them” is repeated four times in six lines.
Thank you!
Dale
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Hey Leila
Great post. I worked for a community college for over 30 years. A real collegiate experience. The English faculty took turns being elected Department Chairs, we gladly worked on various committees. Students actually hung out with us in our offices.
Then it got corporate! No more committees. No more department chairmen. Everything was replaced by autocratic creatures in suits with notepads.
But Martin Mull’s joke made me forget all that. I’m heading to the brewery right now to tell it. — gerry
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Thank you Gerry!
That is a great pub joke!
I share your lament over the lost laid back days. There are just too many watchers in suits nowadays.
Have a great weekend!
Leila
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As far as I can tell things have degraded to the point where you now have to beg companies for the privilege of being soul-sucked
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Hello Sopantooth
Ha! You have a point! Yet the operative word remains!
Leila
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Hi Diane
Someone told me that tourists in France fail to understand that the little shops are actually the homes of the people and fail to behave as good guests. Miscommunication appears to be the, or near the root of such things.
You reminded me of my dislike for smoked salmon back in my misspent youth. But really it was due to the bones, which my brother told me were always fatal when swallowed.
Ye gods, I wonder how much dumb stuff do I still believe!
Thanks agsin!
Leila
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Good post and roundup. Lately (and shockingly) I’ve encountered some friendly and helpful folks when I phone a company with a question or request. That’s after I give up on idiot chatbots. Me: my package has been in-transit for a week. What’s wrong? Idiot chatbot: You’re package is in-transit. How else can I help you? I’d add jalapeños to the food list. Used to love them, became allergic to them. Now I still love them but can’t eat’em. RIP Martin Mull. What a great joke!
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Hi David
I agree. Once you machete your way through the non-humans (who prove that AIs are, from what I have expeienced,) below Jethro Bodine in mental acuity, the person is just fine. Unless you are stuck with United Healthcare. I am never for violence but if any insurance exec was to eat lead, well, history has weighed in.
Martin was a quiet genius in his own right. I always found him amusing.
Thank you!
Leila
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I don’t know if Mary Hartman is still available, but I’d love to see if it’s aged as well as MM did.
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Hi David
At my first apt. we had only one channel that came in worth a damn, and every night we watched Crazy Mary, followed by Fernwood Tonight and a spin off, Forever Fernwood. Although I haven’t seen them since I am happy for the memories. In just over a year and a half Louise L. did over 300 episodes!
The late 70’s early 80’s ran many of my favorites including SOAP, Barney Miller, Taxi and WKRP. Some real duds too (The Ropers sprints to mind), but it was a cool time!
Leila
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Alas, I’ve never heard of Martin Mull, another glaring missed opportunity: it’s a great joke, but the delivery was wonderful.
As a kid, I had a sweet tooth, but nowadays I prefer savoury. So there’s lots of stuff I’m no longer very keen on. Top of the list would be toffee, for the additional reason that it sticks to my false teeth (themselves a consequence of my previous sweet tooth).
Civility seems pretty widespread around here, with the exception of the dance floors (eg. ‘What the fuck do you think you’re doin’).
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Hiya Mick
Ah yes, sweets have played a heavy part in my dental history. I bet I paid for at least two cars over the years.
I think the main causes are the hurry, hurry, hurry attitude and our inability to get our “feet set” in busy situations. All the bumping and pushing puts us on edge.
Oh, while you are here, the answer to your LS question from hours ago is “October.” The specific day in “Rocktober” will arrive in an email I will send in about twelve hours.
Going to the zoo today!
Leila
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Hi Leila,
Excellent as usual.
These notes may not make sense as I typed them when I had focus and they seemed fine!!
Here goes –
I’ve worked with the public for years in some capacity or another. I’m courteous to them and don’t understand when employees are rude or off-hand. I have a coping mechanism that can split my interaction with them and my thoughts. As I agree and sympathise with them, In my head…Big bus…Splat…whit a mess…Them dead…I smile and back in reality the customer mistakes my smile for empathy and someone who gives a fuck!!!!
I also think as customers as strangers and no stranger should ever be able to know you well enough to push your buttons and piss you off. And if working, you shouldn’t care enough to be pissed off!!!
Talking about pushing your buttons, and moving on…Whilst editing a story, your story should never be able to make you lose control and include your own thoughts. Leave that to the characters. It then makes them look like a cunt and not you. A character being a cunt is totally acceptable!!!
Thanks so much for your kind words on my D.I.Y story – Much appreciated.
I loved mash potatoes covered in salad cream when I was a kid. the thought of that now gie’s me the boak. Same with tinned Cream Of Chicken Soup.
Young again, I hated nuts and gin, now I enjoy them. Maybe Walnuts are an exception although Walnut Ice Cream is lovely! (Macadamias are my favourite!!)
Excellent joke. I think if you can take terrible circumstances and make them worse, then you have a cracking joke!!
All the very best.
Hugh
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Hi Hugh
Like you I was young when I first worked with the public. Although I kid about it I was able to create a public face (character too strong a word) that got me by. I figured most people sqw what I was doing as another item on a checklist, as I did and do the same. I am beginning to believe that getting people mad as hell by forcing various mailbots on them is such an obviouly bad idea that I suspect there is an ultimate evil standing nearby.
My rating of canned creamed soups has changed too, but for the better. Not as soups but as sauces usually for Chicken!
Thank you!
Leila
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As titles go, those three words could do with going up approx everywhere – online & off, utterly free of coy as they are. At least those pan-Am smiles of yore bore the right shape of mouth; there seemed to be some connection between the words spoken & facial expression. But as you say, in another context: “If their smiles do not involve the eyes . . .” Love that “edit in the cool aftermath”. Me, I’ve never learned to like my greens, which says more about me than it does vegetables.
One fine roundup too.
Geraint
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Hi Geraint
Ah those Pan Am smiles! That is my Hell Job: being nice to bastards while mindlessly speedjng over the Grand Canyon. The crash would be the high point!
I think online world has a lot to answer for. It’s pretty easy to be nasty when there is little orvno price to pay.
The person who invents something that identifies Trolls, no matter how well hidden, will be both the greatest and most hated person ever. I wish it could hsppen, al though endlessly building jails speaks well of no one.
Thank you!
Leila
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I’ll never understand snippiness in response to helpful feedback or even rejection – I’ve had way more rejections than acceptances and plenty of feedback. The thing with writing is that I have this dream of one day being really bloody good at it, but know that I can’t do that on my own!
As for foods I didn’t like – celery for me, which might be a stretch to say I love it now, but I had a serious aversion to it to a vampire meets garlic level.
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Hello Paul
I’m with you on the celery. The Bunnies can have mine. For me the stuff only works when well hidden in a soup. Don’t really hate the taste because it, for me anyway, lacks one. Mild is one thing, but nonexistent is not desired from a food!
Thank you!
Leila
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It must sometimes be difficult as an editor because you have to reject, and a lot of writing is very close to the heart for the authors, and/or their egos. Often writers who aren’t very good are the most reactive. Most magazines have form rejections, it’s useful and motivation boosting to receive rejections with suggestions, these are very rare these days. It means the editor took the time.
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Hi Harrison
There’s much truth in what you say. I also believe that some of us “just have to” argue any point.
The big magazines rarely reply. I do not see why they assume the privilidge. The Great Wheel spins the same for The Atlantic as it does for LS. I check the name of every submitter. If they have been by before I will make some mention. Of course we see much fewer submissions but writing seven or eight emails every day (and I mean every) takes a bit of time. I think the big hitters could put their pages on the task.
Thank you!
Leila
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