I engage in a strange activity when no one is watching. When I see a small stone on the sidewalk I will choose an area then give the pebble an “accidental” kick in that direction, which is never farther than two feet away. I ask myself “Will everything be alright?” as I hit it with my foot. Nothing else happens after that. I cannot remember when it began, sometime in junior high school, I know that. What it means used to exist, but I can no longer get to it. This happens a lot. At least a half dozen times a day for over fifty years.
I believe it is a futile attempt to gain inside information from the Great Force Beyond it All, whom I’ll call God (just in the Supreme sense, not religious). Let me flip my trusty Susan B Antohony dollar to determine God’s gender for our purposes. Heads. That means “him.” Screw it. It’s my post, my God, and my coin–so “she/her” it shall be.
Yes, my pebble kicking and asking the same question has something to do with control. As long as I keep kicking pebbles everything will be alright, meaning that I will be around later to kick more pebbles and flip more coins.
Although it might seem strange, I see it as rational as persons who do the same things at the same times everyday, with there being differences between, say, Sunday and Monday tasks, yet no Sunday or Monday differing from the others of its ilk. Unless the person is autistic, I figure it is a concealing action. A controlling ploy. Perhaps practitioners of extreme routines are consciously attempting to be so mundane that they escape notice. Maybe they think that such behavior leads to God forgetting about them to the point of even forgetting to send something to kill them even after all the sands in their glasses have run out. Moreover, it instills the impossibility of death because one cannot possibly be dead in the morning and eat lunch precisely at 12:30 at the same time.
I envision God and Death correcting the schedule:
“What about this guy boss? He’s going on a hundred and fifty and people are starting to talk,” says the Scythe.
“Holy shit, forgot all about old whatshisface,” She says. “Hard to notice such a clockwork soul. Yeah…. well past his time…forty-five years…” God snaps Her fingers. “Hey! Let’s have a mass killing, like an earthquake. One big enough to pluck him and, say ten-thousand others. That will leave no witnesses to the mistake.”
“Brilliant as always, Ma’am.”
I also personalize inanimate objects. Not all of them, just a few. Especially stuff that has been along on the ride for many years. That is why there is a seventeen year old backpack in my closet that is no longer of use. It was my faithful servant for many years. I cannot bear to think of how it might feel if I were to toss it into the dumpster. I also have a perfectly preserved Brother Word Processor/Electric Typewriter circa 1985 in the same closet. I used it for so long that my first three LS stories were actually written on it. But it became impossible to replace the ball head and find cartridges for it about nine or ten years ago, so I retired it to a very nice box that is extremely in the way but will never go away until God and Death arrange a Tsunami to find me around my 125th birthday (I believe that my upcoming retirement routine of pouring drinks and lighting smokes and little else, will drive me below Her notice).
So, if anyone out there feels a bit down because you are convinced you are nuts to some degree, well, you probably are. Regardless of that snap judgment, you have plenty of interesting company. I’ve noticed that conversations with sane people dry up pretty quickly. In fact there really isn’t anything duller in the world than a sane person. They tend to remind God when their time is nigh, because they tried to bore themselves to death for ages and lack the nutty imagination one needs to creatively self-destruct.
I believe that a lot of sanity issues can be traced to writing one thing while thinking another. For example, right now, I will write some sort of lame segue to introduce the week that is while at the time thinking, that part is long enough, time to add lame segue.
The brain is indeed a slippery thing. That’s why the coroner uses forceps.
The Week That Is
I believe we had another good round of six this week, led off by Dale Williams Barrigar on Sunday. House Rent Boogie is about the great blues philosophers. Dale said it better than I can here, so check it out if you managed to miss it. (Also, Dale will be appearing every second Sunday with similar fine works–so far all the way through next January!)
We welcomed Kayla Cain on Monday with There Are Just Too Many Places I’ve Got To See,’ Jack Says. The story is perfectly measured and a dramatic physical action is clearly, coolly described. Neither overblown nor limned. Some of us are destined to blow it all up at once, one big rush instead of an experience of years. Trouble there, of course, once committed there is no going back. This is Kayla’s first published work and we foresee a great future for her.
Ameer Toor made his site debut Tuesday with Park Bench. The degree of difficulty Ameer perfromed is as hard as it gets. He made a man looking back over his life while sitting on a bench fascinating. A truly objective and well crafted bit of work with many memorable expressions.
Wednesday welcomed the happy return of Andy Larter with Spade. Funny, tense, dark and intriguing, gardening is seldom this provocative. There is an intertwined sense of ill ease and even humour throughout it and it is proof that using twins in a story can still work, even though it often doesn’t.
Stories set in diners inevitably bring Edward Hopper to mind (not to get high falutin, but it is a great picture). Something hard boiled even at non-city truck stops or the family type of diner in John Whitehouse’s To the Bone makes me “feel” that way. Like Andy’s work, there is a quiet menace going through it and it too has a satisfying conclusion.
The Haunting of William T Jacobs is longtime site friend David Henson’s thirty-seventh (with his thirty-eighth already accepted) story with LS. David is a master of blending hard reality with an element of the fantastic as was seen in this poignant piece.
Congratulations to our six performers this week. Their collected class makes it necessary for me to add a bit of something from the world of Over The Top to balance things out. So this week I have dedicated to William Shatner who (at least on Tuesday) is still boldly splitting the infinitive at 94 (some numbers should not be written out). A person should always be celebrated while still on the more popular side of the sod. There’s no one whose public image is quite like Bill Shatner’s. A combination of hero and joke. So I proudly present my Top 10 Bill Shatner Moments (please add your own). And I hope he doesn’t mind “Bill.”
Best o Billy
- Going to space at 90. Although I agree money is better spent elsewhere, you gotta hand it to Bill
- Not once did his toupee come off on TJ Hooker
- His Legendary Interpretation of Popular music.
- Somehow converting the general antipathy his fellow Star Trek actors routinely expressed for him into useful publicity (Bill does seem to have some sociopathic tendencies)
- Still healthy in his mid-nineties despite (evidently) following The Marlon Brando Diet
- Might still be placing coins in the machine at the Twilight Zone diner if not for his need to boldly go and guest star on every TV show possible
- For his pure Hormel hammy performance on an episode of The Outer Limits called Cold Hands Warm Heart, in which our hero is terrorized by something that looks like a pineapple with eyes.
- For his incredible luck. Only guys like Bill can go successfully from year to year unencumbered by his various cringy performances and the hatred of his co-stars and thrive. More sociopathic tendencies are probably at play here.
- One of the few persons I suspect of making some sort of deal with Hell’s Administrators.
Let’s have a song for Bill
Leila (Happy 977th to Omar Khayyam)
literally stories 
Hi Leila
That first paragraph about kicking the pebble was very special. I could immediately relate to it and, “Will everything be alright?” “And so it goes” for fifty years. (Kurt Vonnegut).
This is really unique. Your perspective on these psychological/superstitious activities that control people’s lives. Only a highly creative person could come up with such a thing!
The idea that people do things at a certain time, so that they might be around to do it again is a fascinating idea. They may not know what they are doing but they are blowing on the dice. Rolling into another day, “Don’t kill me God. Please.”
I agree with your point of view on sanity. It could be code for boring. I want to talk to the person that just got out of the state hospital, as long as it’s not Micheal Myers.
But one question will the pebble kicking continue now that the secret is out? It seems like it must. I might start doing it myself.
Applause!
Christopher
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Thank you Christopher
Some people already know. I told my HS best friend about it and she said “Why do I hang around weirdos?” then proceeded to tell me that she thrice checks locked doors.
I think too much of what is common is sloughed off as OCD or some other type of malady. Things only become a problem when they spin out of control, like peple who count every step and cannot go on with their day when a bad number comes up.
I like your “blowing on the dice” analogy. Right on target!
Leila
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You’re welcome Leila
Yes OCD, is the favorite way to describe any and every ritual. Almost cliche. Glad I didn’t go there, lol. Might be interesting to see how many people do.
True OCD is definitely a disorder that controls people’s lives. Counting steps… but I think checking the stove a hundred times will say your ass that one time. lol.
Thanks!
Christopher
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Thank you again Christopher
A little OCD can be good for you. Once in a while the iron is plugged in!
Leila
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Leila
Can’t believe how young Omar is and also, 977 is a magic number!
For a second I thought Leonard Nimoy was Leonard Cohen including his band, backing singers, AND audience. After watching the video again, I’m SURE it’s Leonard Cohen and his band, backing singers, and audience! Sorry Leonard/s! Just kiddin’!
I think you’re right about people who are nuts, or who this world labels as nuts, anyway. Especially for all the “creatives” among us, I say: if you’re not a little nuts, or even a lot nuts some of the time, you need to up the ante in any way you can, being too sane in an insane world is about as nuts as it gets, and a World of Conformity, Comfort, and Obedience (and subservience) needs a few nut jobs in it to make it more interesting. I’ve done lots of things other people thought were nuts that were actually some of the finest moments I’ll ever have on this Planet. “THEY” will try to make you feel guilty about all the above but holding steady in the face of the harsh criticism from the REAL whack jobs (who appear sane to themselves) is one of the duties of the creative individual in this mad, mad world.
Thank you Leila as always for profound insights stated with lightness, spirit, and grace!
Off to read your new installment on Saragun Springs, I’ve already looked over the beginning of it and have been holding the rest of it in anticipation for a little bit and can’t wait to dive in the rest of the way.
Dale
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Hi Dale
My reply to you is below mine to David on this post, for no reason I can guess. Wicked WP gremlins!
Leila
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Thanks, Leila!
See Saragun Springs for more on You Remembered Everything whenever you can. The title of that posting is: How a Good Prose Style is a Moral Act, with you and Flaubert as examples.
Thanks again!
Dale
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Excellent Saturday post as always. I find as I get older, I do fewer of those kicking-stones kind of things. Not sure if that means I’ve given up on controlling the uncontrollable or have simply run out of stones. “The brain is indeed a slippery thing. That’s why the coroner uses forceps.” That is one great line! Shatner just keeps plugging along. Glad he survived the strange little creature riding on the wing outside his window seat.
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Hello David
Indeed, getting older does reduce the pointless anxiety.
Yes the poor Bill on the plane! It amazes how many shows he guest starred in. He was on Naked City twice, once as a Chinese man! I also recall seeing him turn up in things like Judgement at Nuremburg. (sp)
Take care,
Leila
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Good morning Dale
Ha! My Saturday habit is going grocery shopping very early to beat the riffraff, which delays most of my replies save for the earliest.
I know you have met many “sane” people and have come away vexed.
I believe that was the same Star Trek in which Nichelle Nichols and Bill kissed and raised an idiotic hoohaw.
Thanks again!
Leila
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Hi Leila,
I think we all should have those illogical individual traits. If we don’t we are taking away a lot of our individualism.
In the same vein, I’m pretty superstitious. If I see a hearse I touch black. I found a get-out clause to me having to hold my collar until I saw a four legged animal after I saw an ambulance- Someone told me a wee rhyme. ‘Touch my collar touch my knee, thank you god it wasn’t me. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.’
The beliefs as kids was brilliantly portrayed in ‘It’. Each kid believed if they did something specific, they could defeat it.
This was summed up by the amazing observation – ‘For every adult who thinks up the legend of the vampire, they is a kid who will think on the stake that will defeat it’ (Or words to that effect) Sadly that line was missing in the films!
Being nuts (Ohhhh Noooo – The PeeSees will have a thrombo (Twice!). I think if you are it, you can own it!! Some other faction lived by that rule!!! Most of us can relate but not most of us will tell everybody the specifics. Maybe after thirty years or so??? A wee guy I met in the pub said to me, ‘I’m Hugh… (Not me, I wasn’t talking to myself on that occasion)…I’ve been diagnosed as a psychopath! I just looked at him, ‘We stay in Scotland, who hasnae?’
And what can I say about Mr Shatner?? Well his performance of ‘Rocket Man’ is one I seek out when I’m blue – Something about him over-smoking the cigarette appeals to me!!
On the episodes of Star Trek, I think the whole episode of ‘A Piece Of The Action’ his acting on having to act a gangster was priceless!!
Brilliant as always.
And thanks so much for standing in.
Hugh.
PPS – You may think I’m mad but Nimoy hasn’t the worse voice I’ve ever heard! It does look as if his left ear is falling off though, maybe due to gangrene!!
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Hello Hugh
Yes! Weez gets some of the action for da boss Bill was classic.
I know you probably handle psychos with the best.
And you are right. Own it. Whether it is Dumbo ears or an Imaginary Friend, don’t be shy.
Thanks again!
Leila
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Excellent post as always. I do lots of those touch wood and what not things. My mum was a great one for doing things like breaking matches if there had been two mishaps – because things break in threes! My gran used to hate you admiring anything that she had because then she believed it would be lost or spoiled and I have to say my experience makes me feel that she isn’t wrong about that. We have a problem with keeping stuff – it’s Ian who can’t throw things away in case he needs them or because ‘it’s a really good box’ or ‘you might need a bit of string’ but me – I keep stuff because it might be upset if I thrown it away so I fully understand about your wardrobe haven. I give many things names, vacuum cleaner, pressure washer etc and never fail to thank them when they’ve done a good job. Mad – totally and completely doo lally. I hadn’t realise how utterly corny Star Treck was – it was excellent to see it again – Rock on Bill! – dd
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Hi Diane
I am with Ian, “It’s been loyal.” One of my Steps use to toss salt over his shoulder at the table, much to Mom’s annoyance.
Getting harder to find wood to knock nowadays, but I still do it. I think these things serve a good purpose, unless you are into voodoo!
Thank you!
Leila
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OMG love the conversation between Death and God. Would make a great start of a play… or a movie.
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Hello Guylaine
It is a pleasure to hear from you. Thank you for such an excellent comment! (I usually lift my coat collar when walking past a church, just in case.)
Leila
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Leila,
I was happy to start off about kicking pebbles, which is good for the person and for the pebble, when the conversation somehow got to OCD. What?! I used to think OCD was a gastric disorder, until my wife wanted to know “How’s your mind hanging?” one day and she gave me the low-down. She knew I was a post- Catholic suffering from the remnants of fanciful ritualism, so I fessed to it. Turned out she was altogether worse than me in many ways.
Together, we discussed and owned up to every possible combination of italicized acronym for every syndrome, compulsion, and complex ever dreamed of, totally in love with each other exactly as we were, through the unending and recombining alphabet.
OFS (Orgasm Dependency Conductor). BAI (Bilateral Alcoholic Ingestion). BPB (Borderline Pancake Bulimia). LBLC (Love Beyond Life Concurrence). — Gerry
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Hi Gerry
Not since the Roosevelt Administration have we been to rich in acronyms! In fact my neighborhood still features sidewalks made by the work program.
Still, it is comforting to know that if there’s something horribly wrong with you a lable can be made which somehow expunges you of the blame!
Thanks for dropping by
Leila
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Great post, as always, Leila. For many years I’d not leave the house until I’d counted every socket & switch at least 3 times over – much to the irritation of my daughter, friends etc – but, lo, behind this quasi-OCD behaviour was a perfectly Rational Explanation: 3 fires in 3 kitchens leaving 3 kitchens with blackened walls & ceiling, & myself terribly sober. As the product of a family so superstitious no crow could land on a branch without its Signifying something, I fancy I’m freer of these things & touch wood as I say it. Your write-ups always a joy to read.
Geraint
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Hello and thank you Geraint
I identify with your counting regime. I was surprised to learn (years ago) that almost everyone has some sort of thing they do. And most everyone is afraid to admit it thinking s/he maybe the only nut. We may be nuts, but at least we keep good company!
Leila
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Great post and great week of stories. Very interesting to read your ‘habit’s if you like and I too have many, from how I brush my teeth to the old pair of socks I have to pack every time I fly regardless of the fact the huge holes make them unwearable. Is this a writer / creator’s need? I’m not sure, but think I too am probably partially nuts. As for Williams Shatner – I keep meaning to buy one of his albums, because they too are pretty nuts.
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Hi Paul
We all have our “things.” I figure if they help, go for it. Your old socks have guaranteed your safe travels–no dispute there!
I recall in the sixties just about everyone with a show (in America) released an album, especially men who could not sing a note. Lorne Green, Eddie Albert, Spock, Kirk…They are wonderful collectors items for persons attracted to “kitch”–however that is spelled.
Thanks again!
Leila
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