I am sitting in a windowless room in Africa’s Congo Basin wishing I had taken French instead of Latin in high school. My mom forced me to take Latin, saying it would help me become a doctor. What a load of crap! Or as they say in Latin “Quid onus crap!” Also, I am not a doctor but a middling middle-aged ecologist who is at this very moment sweating through my t-shirt, sharing a room not much bigger than gas station bathroom with one Congolese priest and one Spanish priest. They are not praying but discussing bribery. I know this because I did end up taking four semesters of Spanish in college, and heard the Spanish priest say “Quanto dinero?” The Congolese priest whispered back to him in French with something that sounded like “Quanto dinero?” But it is definitely French. I know this because his earnest whispers are as soft as crushed velvet, the syllables gently rolling over each other. No other language but French does this.
In fact, the Congolese priest’s whispers are so luscious it is making me hungry. That’s what the French language can do to you. Make you want a nice Bordeaux and some cheese while being held captive with an uncertain future. The last thing I had to eat, five hours ago, was an airplane snack that was just enough to make you realize you were hungry, but not enough to actually fill you up. Airplane snacks are such a tease.
I have been confined to this dingy, yellowing yellow room for well over two hours now. The priests were here when I arrived. The Congolese priest is sporting vintage priest motif: a Roman collar with black pants and a warm, wide smile. The Spanish priest, on the other hand, is in suave undercover mode. He looks exactly like the Most Interesting Man in the World guy in those Dos Equis commercials. Except he has a gold cross prominently hanging between the Windsor spread collar of his crisp, white dress shirt, and a prayer book peeking out of the pocket of his well-tailored brown sport coat. The Most Interesting Priest in the World is not even sweating, despite wearing twice the amount of clothes as me.
The Most Interesting Priest in the World and the Congolese priest seem to have come to a decision, and the Congolese priest unleashes a lullaby of French toward me. I raise my shoulders, eyebrows and hands all at once and give the international symbol for “I have no idea what you are saying”. He then pulls out two crisp $20 American bills from his wallet, waves them in the air and puts them inside a small, dark blue book. The Most Interesting Priest in the World then says to me “Cuánto estás pagando?” That I get. He wants to know: How much of a bribe I am going to pay to get out of the room? But now I am confused. They are proposing to pay $40 – so is that a one-time fee no matter how many people? Is it $20 per person? Is the Most Interesting Priest in the World also going to put $40 into his little book? Bribery can be a real conundrum – trying to find just the right amount without looking like you could have given significantly more, dooming future captives to a higher freedom rate. But you also do not want to insult your French-speaking captors and end up spending another hour (or day) in the dingy room.
I decide that it is better to slightly over-bribe than slightly under-bribe, so I also put two crisp Andrew Jacksons in my little blue book. This seems to be the right move because I get approving nods from the Men of God. The Congolese priest stands up and tries to smooth away the creases from his black pants and shirt. The Most Interesting Priest in the World stands up and does nothing because he looks absolutely flawless. He raps loudly on the door. By the hollowness of the echo, you can tell it is one of the cheap, hollow molded fiberwood doors that we can probably bust open with a solid kick. Not that we could have gotten anywhere even if we did go all Jason Bourne on it.
I queue up behind the priests, as the door opens and a tall man in a slightly disheveled uniform looks at the three of us with weary disinterest. Quickly the priests are released and directed down the corridor. The guard then turns his gaze to me and drops some French in my general direction. “Oui Señor!” and I give him my passport. He quickly thumbs through the pages, snapping each from right to left. He barely stops when he gets to the pages with the bribe and just hands my passport back to me. Can you fail at bribery? Did I just doom myself to several more hours alone in the dingy room? No. He escorts me to the passport control officer, who expertly palms the money and stamps my entrance into his country for the price of $40 and a few hours locked in a room with some priests.
I finally walk into the arrivals hall, where I bid “Adieu” and “Bien Viaje” to my fellow captees, and then look to see if my checked bag is still even there. Thankfully, it is easy to spot. It is being held by an eager gentleman in a slightly disheveled uniform. “Hello sir” he says to me. “I have protected your bag from being stolen. I waited for over two hours for you to get through customs! For my services, I will happily give you your bag back once you pay me a protection fee. I charge $50 an hour, so please give me $100 and I will gladly turn your bag over to you.”
Image by cytis from Pixabay – A US blue Passport tucked into the pocket of a travel bag.
literally stories 
Colby
Never leave home without bail money, bribe cash and perhaps a transponder inserted surgically.
Still, you must admire the gogetter business attitude. And the customer service is polite.
Amusing and probably very accurate.
Leila
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bit of truth in your comments…and in the story
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It is very tempting to judge all countries by the normalities that we are used to and actually they all turn on different cogs. If you are aware then you make allowances and I would suggest that if you are going at all ‘off grid’ then it is a requirement that you make yourself aware as much as possible. I enjoyed this read the scene setting was great and the characters interesting and well drawn. Thank you – Diane
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Thanks Diane for your kind words and reading my story.
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Very nicely done with a slightly ambiguous beginning and a sharp conclusion! (Reminds me of the time we crossed a border in South America and were pulled aside by scary looking border officials who demanded a ‘visa fee’. Fortunately my beloved had some $$ secreted in her bra & then it was all smiles and welcomes …)
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This story is based on a personal experience, and sadly as your comment points out – it is not a unique situation. Smiles and welcomes…
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I liked the way this gently unfurled. It could have gone a few ways and I had no idea at the start!
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Thanks for the comment Alex – and yes it could have gone in several directions in real life too…
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Really enjoyable read! Well written! Suspenseful.
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Thanks for reading and sharing the comment. I appreciate it
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Extortion remains rife in the Free (and not so free) World. it’s the same in the U.S. but, rather than two Jacksons or one Franklin, they demand your vote or denial thereof. Humorous tale, but for the fact that it is so true. I enjoyed this.
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Thanks for reading my story and glad you got ‘my’ humor
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I enjoyed this so much. The description of the priests was really funny, and the ending was perfect. I wish it was longer! It feels like the first chapter of a novel! Congratulations, an excellent read.
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Thank-you for the comment and reading my story. In my mind there is more to this story, so maybe I will continue it…
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Colby
It’s the price we pay for ‘freedom’ everywhere. Or whatever version of it we’ve got or want. Sometimes two people bribe each other — marriage!
We are in a bribe cycle right now in the US: ‘Vote for me and I’ll give you . . ..’ Tax breaks perhaps. Or oppress people you don’t like — immigrants for example.
Great character descriptions. Great job!
Gerry
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Thanks for reading Gerry and appreciate you liked the characters I tried to develop in this short format.
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Engaging and humorous, with vivid descriptions and a strong narrative voice. It seems absurd … until you realize it isn’t.
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oh, it isn’t! Thanks for reading and sharing your comment
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Colby
This compressed tale made great use of brevity! It does a lot in a few words (and it has soul and wit). I thought the characterization was excellent: the narrator through his language usage and point of view, and the other characters through their actions, and the descriptions. The atmosphere of this piece reminded me of one of Graham Greene’s international thriller stories (in a good way). Also, I found the intriguing title to be poetic and effective, and the twist at the end worked well.
Finally, THANKS for your work in wildlife conservation. Without other life forms on the planet, we won’t get far or last long. So there’s nothing more important these days!
Sincerely,
Dale
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Dale – thanks for reading the story and your kinds words, appreciate it. And yes, sustaining the biodiversity on this planet and their wild homes is also the key to sustaining our life too.
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Looks like the middle of a story which is OK.
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Funny you should say this – because in my mind there is more to this story – but was limited by format – so maybe it is the middle…
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A snappy vignette of a travel story with a great punchline as such. I really liked the style of your writing in this and the acute observations throughout. Reminded me of my days living in Russia in the late 90s when police corruption and on-the-street extortion was common – it became part of our Saturday night’s budgeting in fact.
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Thanks for reading my story and your kind comments. Your anecdote about Saturday nights in Russia made me laugh. Good times.
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Hi Colby,
This reminds me of a couple of Episodes of ‘Only Fools And Horses’ (One where they bribed the Spanish Policeman just before the Granddad was to be released anyway. And another where a Gangster walks into the pub and offers to buy everyone a drink – He gave the publican a fiver and asked for change!!
John Sullivan, the writer of those two pieces of brilliance controlled the pace, the reveal and the humour with ease. You did the same with this. Knowing what to say (Write!) and when to say it (Write it) is a skill that can’t be taught, it’s all natural talent!!
All the very best.
Hugh
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Hugh – thanks for the read, the kind words, the reference to a show I will now Google, and the shout-out in the week summary note. Enjoy the closing ceremony.
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